Oooh, I’m so excited! Come on, Ulster! They are playing in orange, aren’t they? Or are they the ones in white and red? I can never remember. Oh, right, white.
Grand, they’re starting. Why do they kick the ball to the other team instead of hanging on to it? That’s silly. Now look, there’s going to be a scrum. I know what a scrum is. It’s a bit like a cuddle, but then they all stick their noses in each other’s arses and the wee fella chucks the ball in. Then the whistle blows and they do it all over again ten times.
Fantastic, Ulster have got the ball! Oh look, he’s kicked it off the field, the eejit. What do you mean, in the opposition’s 22? Why is everyone standing up for the Ulstermen? Oh, so that’s good then.
Some of those fellas trundling up don’t look very fit at all. They’re a bit fat, like. They should go on a diet: they’re supposed to be able to run around for ninety minutes. Oh, eighty minutes? Close enough. If they could run for ninety, they could run for eighty easily.
Why have the other side got the ball to throw in? We had it last. I think the referee has got this wrong. Look at that: the man threw it to his own team and now they’ve got the ball. Now they’re all over the floor and it’s hard to tell what’s going on.
Wa-hey, that Ulsterman’s got the ball! Whoops, he’s dropped it. Ach well, never mind, it is pissing it down and it’s probably a bit slippy. What do you mean, the others get a scrum? He didn’t mean to drop it. That’s just not fair.
Scrums are boring.
Hooray, a penalty!
Didn’t he kick it beautifully? I bet it’s because his mum raised him on soda farls. Oh, South African, is he? Well, never mind, I’m sure his mother loves him anyway.
HALF-TIME
Boys-oh-boy but that’s a fine figure of a man. Have you any idea if he’s single? I have three daughters. And no grandchildren. Except for two dogs. And they’re both spayed.
SISTER’S INTERJECTION
– Is that Andrew Trimble?
– Yep; how did you know?
– We used to catch the same bus to school.
– Was he nice?
– Yeah, decent bloke.
– He’s retired now; that’s why he’s doing commentary.
– Oh Christ, I feel old.
RETURN TO THE MOTHERSHIP
Have you got his phone number?
SECOND HALF
Oh, d’ye see that fella there? That’s Stuart McCloskey. He goes to my hairdresser. He has lovely hair, so he does. He doesn’t half darken the doorway when he walks into the shop though.
Would you look at that nonsense! All the other fellas are piling on top. That’s bullying. Why doesn’t the referee stop it?
Ach for fuck’s sake the referee is awarding a penalty to the other side! This is a travesty. What do you mean, failed to release the ball? It was his bloody ball and I don’t see why he should give it to them. That’s ridiculous.
Well, this is more like it. Brave boys running down the pitch and putting the ball down over the line.
What’s a TMO? Turd Match Official? Why shouldn’t you be able to throw the ball in any direction you like if you’ve got it?
See that. I was right. Ulster vindicated. I don’t know why there was any dispute.
Well, there you are now, Martin.* Match won despite the other’s side’s cheating and the referee being biased.
*I have no idea where this phrase comes from, but it might be this.
Note: as you may be able to tell, this was mostly originally written a couple of years ago. OvallyBalls prize* to the first person who spots the internal inconsistency.
*This may not be an actual prize.
On the telly this week
Friday 22nd November
| Ulster 28 – 13 Clermont | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
Saturday 23rd November
| Saracens 44 – 3 Ospreys | 13:00 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 32 – 35 Saints | 13:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| Toulouse 32 – 17 Connacht | 13:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Exeter 34 – 18 Glasgow | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| England 60 – 3 Italy (women) | 15:00 | YouTube (!) |
| Lyon 6 – 13 Leinster | 15:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Munster 21 – 21 Racing | 17:30 | BT Sport 3 |
| Quins 15 – 9 Bath | 17:30 | BT Sport 2 |
| Cardiff v Leicester | 20:00 | S4C / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 24th November
| Sale v La Rochelle | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Gloucester | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Don’t forget, Challenge cup matches are streamed on the EPCR website:
https://www.epcrugby.com/challenge-cup/latest-video/epcrtv/
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Well, I’m two Hobgoblins, half a bottle of my lovely white Rioja and a bag of pistachios down, where’s the fucking rugby?
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I’ve only seen a couple of episodes but highly recommend it, if you’re a fan of the one of two types of music.
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Tomp – you should’ve milkshaked her.
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This was the mid 90s, Craigs. Milkshakes hadn’t been invented.
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First blood to the Not As Bad As The Bad Guys Or The Really Bad Guys Guys.
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Bristol 24-0 up after about 6 minutes.
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Good half from Bristol, leading Brive 0-24 at the whistle.
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Clermont not turned up to play, Ulster all over them. 10-0.
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Clermont wake up! JUST a knock on in the chase, so no try.
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Harlequins really weren’t good last week. Ulster quite good.
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Edinburgh lead 13-6 at half time. You love to see it.
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We look so much better than them when we get a bit of ball, Chek, we just need to play the game in their half
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No arms either. How the hell did the TMO see him wrap his arms??
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Ticht, loved the 10m Kinghorn slide for the try
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Great hands from the centres, too
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Gorgodze just cleaned out Fonotia (legally) and I don’t know how Fonotia is still alive.
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Thoroughly enjoyable game in Ulster, 13-3 to the home side. Well deserved too.
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Very physical match down in Toulon. Hosts 10-7 up at half time. Ratuva (who had been excellent to that point) sent off just before half time for not wrapping his arms and trying to take off Gorgodze’s face when clearing out.
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Good win for Bristol, 0-36 at the end.
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Oooft. Radrada
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Thanks, everyone! I started writing this several years ago (as you can tell), and never submitted it because I thought it was very inferior to AoD’s ATLs.
Anyway, Ulster are DOMINATING Clermont, which I didn’t expect. Yippee!
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Coetzee is a fabulous player. So good to see him playing again.
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Now I’m getting nervous. Bloody Greig, making kicks.
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That should be the winner! Great from Cooney!
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COOOONNNNEEEYYYY!
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Well that was disappointing, a draw against the team lying second in the Top14.
We looked the better side, they played negative rugby and we paid the price by giving away that last penalty for them to square it.
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Penalty try Clermont! This gets squeaky now.
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Oh shit! Penalty try to Clermont!
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10 all with over an hour gone. Toulon have spurned some decent chances. Good Turk hustle to stay in it.
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10 to go, Turks now 16-10 up after a pen and drop from Dan ‘Dinky’ Jones.
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“Of course we saw the penalty try under the sticks but that shouldn’t negate away that Ulster have serialised with their penalties”
Ugo reinventing the language English.
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This is amazing.
Could it happen?
Ratuva was fabulous until the red card.
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Clermont were pretty mediocre. Ulster were very decent. BT Sports commentary team massively overstating the differences between the teams.
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Please keep up the mbm Yos, have left the safety of my PC for a voter registration gig in town.
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Ulster lucky to squeak that against a Clermont side in disarray. It won’t be good enough by far in the reverse fixture. Discipline poor, and many missed chances.
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Good work BRB
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@TomP – As they’ll up against the Scarlets let’s hope next week’s instalment of Ulster’s penalties will be a good one.
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Re Margaret Hodge, she’s been undermining Labour for at least three years. But we really need a Labour win.
I’ve not read the article the Deebee posted yet, but I will!
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Crazy last 10 minutes in Toulon. A series of scrums on the Scarlets line, where they just about managed to keep Toulon out, illegally. A very clever substitution by taking off a centre for an actual lock to come on instead of Steff Hughes at 8 and Shingler at lock. They manage to keep Toulon at bay but then stray offside and Toulon elect to scrum again. Again the Turks dig in and Messam gets smashed backwards only for Shingler’s tackle to slkip up around the neck.
This time they kick to the corner and maul over. 89 minutes gone and Belleau nails a wide conversion to win it 17-16.
Cracking loser’s cup match. Turks very unlucky and were the better team despite being down to 14 for the second half.
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Margaret Hodge is the pits.
Her local party triggered a selection contest but she won after some shenanigans where the police were called.
So she survives to continue being a massive pain in the arse.
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Tomp – just tip some chips all over her.
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Cheers Yos.
Epic stuff
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Friday night
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26 games in Europe this year. I’ve got 25 right on Superbru. You Scots have fucked up for yet again. I’m half minded not to tip for you a 2020 Grand Slam.
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“It could be argued Hogg, a very distant relative of the great George Best, is the highest-profile Scottish international to move south from Glasgow since Kenny Dalglish joined Liverpool from Celtic in 1977.”
Where to start? Well, in a very sense, aren’t we all distant relatives of the GREAT George Best?
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So many similarities. Dalglish had to fill the not insubstantial boots of Kevin Keegan. Hogg has to do likewise to adequately replace Phil Dollman.
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Dalglish moved to Liverpool and scored and scored and scored, he’s one of the best players in the best European teams ever
The criticism when he played for Scotland (and this was from my uncle who was a long time pro for Hibs) was that Scotland were no where near as good as Liverpool and that Dalglish was playing with players no where near his level – Souness and Hansen were, but that was about it
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Dalglish was a better player than Keegan, though, by a mile
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Jeez, Ticht, you get support for the SRU lawsuit thing, the Margaret Hodge witch thing, but for Christ sake don’t have a go at Keegan. Who in the England side was better than Souness or Hansen?
You are in danger of crossing a line, fella.
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