Oooh, I’m so excited! Come on, Ulster! They are playing in orange, aren’t they? Or are they the ones in white and red? I can never remember. Oh, right, white.
Grand, they’re starting. Why do they kick the ball to the other team instead of hanging on to it? That’s silly. Now look, there’s going to be a scrum. I know what a scrum is. It’s a bit like a cuddle, but then they all stick their noses in each other’s arses and the wee fella chucks the ball in. Then the whistle blows and they do it all over again ten times.
Fantastic, Ulster have got the ball! Oh look, he’s kicked it off the field, the eejit. What do you mean, in the opposition’s 22? Why is everyone standing up for the Ulstermen? Oh, so that’s good then.
Some of those fellas trundling up don’t look very fit at all. They’re a bit fat, like. They should go on a diet: they’re supposed to be able to run around for ninety minutes. Oh, eighty minutes? Close enough. If they could run for ninety, they could run for eighty easily.
Why have the other side got the ball to throw in? We had it last. I think the referee has got this wrong. Look at that: the man threw it to his own team and now they’ve got the ball. Now they’re all over the floor and it’s hard to tell what’s going on.
Wa-hey, that Ulsterman’s got the ball! Whoops, he’s dropped it. Ach well, never mind, it is pissing it down and it’s probably a bit slippy. What do you mean, the others get a scrum? He didn’t mean to drop it. That’s just not fair.
Scrums are boring.
Hooray, a penalty!
Didn’t he kick it beautifully? I bet it’s because his mum raised him on soda farls. Oh, South African, is he? Well, never mind, I’m sure his mother loves him anyway.
HALF-TIME
Boys-oh-boy but that’s a fine figure of a man. Have you any idea if he’s single? I have three daughters. And no grandchildren. Except for two dogs. And they’re both spayed.
SISTER’S INTERJECTION
– Is that Andrew Trimble?
– Yep; how did you know?
– We used to catch the same bus to school.
– Was he nice?
– Yeah, decent bloke.
– He’s retired now; that’s why he’s doing commentary.
– Oh Christ, I feel old.
RETURN TO THE MOTHERSHIP
Have you got his phone number?
SECOND HALF
Oh, d’ye see that fella there? That’s Stuart McCloskey. He goes to my hairdresser. He has lovely hair, so he does. He doesn’t half darken the doorway when he walks into the shop though.
Would you look at that nonsense! All the other fellas are piling on top. That’s bullying. Why doesn’t the referee stop it?
Ach for fuck’s sake the referee is awarding a penalty to the other side! This is a travesty. What do you mean, failed to release the ball? It was his bloody ball and I don’t see why he should give it to them. That’s ridiculous.
Well, this is more like it. Brave boys running down the pitch and putting the ball down over the line.
What’s a TMO? Turd Match Official? Why shouldn’t you be able to throw the ball in any direction you like if you’ve got it?
See that. I was right. Ulster vindicated. I don’t know why there was any dispute.
Well, there you are now, Martin.* Match won despite the other’s side’s cheating and the referee being biased.
*I have no idea where this phrase comes from, but it might be this.
Note: as you may be able to tell, this was mostly originally written a couple of years ago. OvallyBalls prize* to the first person who spots the internal inconsistency.
*This may not be an actual prize.
On the telly this week
Friday 22nd November
| Ulster 28 – 13 Clermont | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
Saturday 23rd November
| Saracens 44 – 3 Ospreys | 13:00 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 32 – 35 Saints | 13:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| Toulouse 32 – 17 Connacht | 13:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Exeter 34 – 18 Glasgow | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| England 60 – 3 Italy (women) | 15:00 | YouTube (!) |
| Lyon 6 – 13 Leinster | 15:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Munster 21 – 21 Racing | 17:30 | BT Sport 3 |
| Quins 15 – 9 Bath | 17:30 | BT Sport 2 |
| Cardiff v Leicester | 20:00 | S4C / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 24th November
| Sale v La Rochelle | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Gloucester | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Peter Reid and Terry Fenwick
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Quite disappointed they got a bp last night. Of course, very happy we dominated them.
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I’m still drying out. And I don’t mean booze.
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Sorry Ticht, but your Uncle’s wrong. Take a look at the 1982 squad (probably the best we’ve had) and there were plenty of really bloody good players in that team, plus a manager by the name of Stein. Strangely, only two Celtic players (but one of those was Danny McGrain) and no Rangers players, which said a lot of where they were at that time. Just a shame that we got one of the best Brazilian teams ever angry by scoring first…..
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1982_FIFA_World_Cup_squads#Scotland
Also contains Sag’s Favourite Scottish Goalie.
“Stands Still”
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Phone misfiring and I’ve accidentally liked one of my own posts. Could get used to this self congratulation.
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Oh dog I think I’ve signed up for email notifications for every comment. Phone having a solo run here.
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“Sets computer up to make a comment every 30 seconds…”
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Sounds like we’re going to learn (or be reminded of) an awful lot about 1980s Scottish footballers.
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Good squad that.
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Choosing the Ospreys game as the one to be on Channel 4 is a bit much.
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I’ve always wanted to know whether Sarries are as good as the Southern Kings and short of having them join the Pro 14 I guess this is as good a way of finding out as any other.
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Morning Larry
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That is quite something.
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I hope Iksy doesn’t watch that to the end. The way they are holding those doves is quite worrying.
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SBT, soz – it wasn’t really meant as having a go at Keegan, more late night (hic) bigging up of King Kenny
BB, the Liverpool side from the same time https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1982–83_Liverpool_F.C._season#Squad
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Mind you, that Scotland team did manage to finish the group ahead of New Zealand, but behind the Soviet Union on GD – we drew 2-2 with them, our one win coming against the Kiwis.
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I’ve had this club v country discussion before, I said in 1998 that Man Utd would beat England, two of my companions agreed but one vehemently disagreed.
It’s a difficult one because of the players who were in both teams, but my contention was that in players like Schmeichel and Giggs etc , they had players who were better than their contemporaries in the England squad
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Roy Keane, too, obviously
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I think John Toshack era Wales would have lost to Newport Cewnty.
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Yos, there was a history of the SFA documentary where one of the talking heads said that the trouble with the Scottish football team was that we had delusions of adequacy
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Thaum, good words, by the way.
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Also, can I watch BT Extra online? WTF is this pish? Why am I so bad at technology?
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What actually happened to Scottish soccer?
I dont really follow association football closely, but growing up Scotland, whilst not a superpower like Brasil or Italy, were always a very good international team.
Club wise, Celtic, Rangers and Aberdeen all made major impact on the Euro comps.
In the English 1st div, seemed every team boasted a few Scots. The stars like Dalgleish, Souness etc.. But also a lot of lesser “backbone” style players. Lots of Scottish managers too.
Then, in what seemed to me to be just a few years, Scottish football became, well, not much at all.
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If you are contracted to BT Sport you can download their app and watch online, Larry, I have BTSport through Virgin so I can’t watch “Extra”
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Actually, having had a look I think I’ll change over to BT when my contract is up in January, I can get fibre broadband and sport for more than a third off what I pay now
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@Yosoy
How would Bobby Gould era Wales get on vs Flexis Cefn Druids?
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Cai is no Ieuan with the ball, sadly.
You’d think he’d have the DNA.
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@utna
I’ve wiped Gould’s clowning from my memory. I can remember volunteering to hand out ‘Gould out!’ flyers to very confused lunchtime drinkers in a Liverpool pub.
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Havent watched much Euro rugby in recent years. Now watching DCB vs Going Well down in Swansea
Seems like old days.
I never realised that Cai Evans was Ieuan’s son. Be pretty cool if he got to play for Wales vs France featuring N’Tamack
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Jamie Heaslip seems like a good commentator. Who’d have thought?
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Hook looks like me in my 40s playing touch. No change of gears left.
I feel ya, bro.
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I always liked Hooky but yeah, he’s lost a couple of yards.
I didn’t know Daly had signed for Sarries
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Amazing product placement
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Yellow for Biggar, for a tip-tackle. I can’t believe* he’s arguing the toss.
*I can, it’s Biggar and he can be rather petulant.
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Ospreys are pretty poor nowadays, aren’t they
Saracens not having to do a great deal to win, even with a depleted lineup
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In fairness to the Ospreys, they are missing their first choice 15,14, 12, 11, 10, 7, 6, 5, 3 and 1. Some of these replacements are semi pro level.
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@Utna – The O’s currently have more players injured or unavailable than can play, which certainly isn’t helping them.
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G’wan Connacht!
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Saracens 37-3 up after 60 mins. Commentator: “Still plenty of time for Saracens to exert their dominance”. What the bloody hell have they been doing so far?
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Like watching someone kick a kitten.
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Early scores on the doors
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Big start from Kenny Dalglish’s former team.
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I double screened two good games earlier. Same again now. Exe-Gla a particularly good one so far.
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Hi there
anyone got a link to Exeter vs Glasgow?
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Lyon on their way yet again to score no point from their HCup game. Leinster lead 10/0, simply pouncing on Lyon errors.
Earlier Toulouse were lucky not only to get a BP vs Connaght but just to win. Connaght very good for 60 minutes. A better bench would probably have allowed them to win.
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Slade, I subscribe to Bein on a monthly basis, just for the European games. Costs about 10€. You can unsuscribe at any time. They show almost every game.
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ok Flair I might have to try that
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@Slade
I’m using cricfree.org/rugby
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Thaum, excellent ATL, Everyone must have had the same type of experience, but you make it sound very funny. Too bad you did not dare to post it earlier!
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