Oooh, I’m so excited! Come on, Ulster! They are playing in orange, aren’t they? Or are they the ones in white and red? I can never remember. Oh, right, white.
Grand, they’re starting. Why do they kick the ball to the other team instead of hanging on to it? That’s silly. Now look, there’s going to be a scrum. I know what a scrum is. It’s a bit like a cuddle, but then they all stick their noses in each other’s arses and the wee fella chucks the ball in. Then the whistle blows and they do it all over again ten times.
Fantastic, Ulster have got the ball! Oh look, he’s kicked it off the field, the eejit. What do you mean, in the opposition’s 22? Why is everyone standing up for the Ulstermen? Oh, so that’s good then.
Some of those fellas trundling up don’t look very fit at all. They’re a bit fat, like. They should go on a diet: they’re supposed to be able to run around for ninety minutes. Oh, eighty minutes? Close enough. If they could run for ninety, they could run for eighty easily.
Why have the other side got the ball to throw in? We had it last. I think the referee has got this wrong. Look at that: the man threw it to his own team and now they’ve got the ball. Now they’re all over the floor and it’s hard to tell what’s going on.
Wa-hey, that Ulsterman’s got the ball! Whoops, he’s dropped it. Ach well, never mind, it is pissing it down and it’s probably a bit slippy. What do you mean, the others get a scrum? He didn’t mean to drop it. That’s just not fair.
Scrums are boring.
Hooray, a penalty!
Didn’t he kick it beautifully? I bet it’s because his mum raised him on soda farls. Oh, South African, is he? Well, never mind, I’m sure his mother loves him anyway.
HALF-TIME
Boys-oh-boy but that’s a fine figure of a man. Have you any idea if he’s single? I have three daughters. And no grandchildren. Except for two dogs. And they’re both spayed.
SISTER’S INTERJECTION
– Is that Andrew Trimble?
– Yep; how did you know?
– We used to catch the same bus to school.
– Was he nice?
– Yeah, decent bloke.
– He’s retired now; that’s why he’s doing commentary.
– Oh Christ, I feel old.
RETURN TO THE MOTHERSHIP
Have you got his phone number?
SECOND HALF
Oh, d’ye see that fella there? That’s Stuart McCloskey. He goes to my hairdresser. He has lovely hair, so he does. He doesn’t half darken the doorway when he walks into the shop though.
Would you look at that nonsense! All the other fellas are piling on top. That’s bullying. Why doesn’t the referee stop it?
Ach for fuck’s sake the referee is awarding a penalty to the other side! This is a travesty. What do you mean, failed to release the ball? It was his bloody ball and I don’t see why he should give it to them. That’s ridiculous.
Well, this is more like it. Brave boys running down the pitch and putting the ball down over the line.
What’s a TMO? Turd Match Official? Why shouldn’t you be able to throw the ball in any direction you like if you’ve got it?
See that. I was right. Ulster vindicated. I don’t know why there was any dispute.
Well, there you are now, Martin.* Match won despite the other’s side’s cheating and the referee being biased.
*I have no idea where this phrase comes from, but it might be this.
Note: as you may be able to tell, this was mostly originally written a couple of years ago. OvallyBalls prize* to the first person who spots the internal inconsistency.
*This may not be an actual prize.
On the telly this week
Friday 22nd November
| Ulster 28 – 13 Clermont | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
Saturday 23rd November
| Saracens 44 – 3 Ospreys | 13:00 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 32 – 35 Saints | 13:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| Toulouse 32 – 17 Connacht | 13:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Exeter 34 – 18 Glasgow | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| England 60 – 3 Italy (women) | 15:00 | YouTube (!) |
| Lyon 6 – 13 Leinster | 15:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Munster 21 – 21 Racing | 17:30 | BT Sport 3 |
| Quins 15 – 9 Bath | 17:30 | BT Sport 2 |
| Cardiff v Leicester | 20:00 | S4C / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 24th November
| Sale v La Rochelle | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Gloucester | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Mug of tea and a couple of Jaffa Cakes, mmmm
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coffee and ginger nuts here!
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Glasgow as being extremely naïve here
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Glasgow need the next score.
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I went into Majestic wines today asking for Four Roses bourbon.
They did not have any for sale. But because I am clearly deserving of this they gave me their half drunk tasting bottle from round the back.
It was a long walk back to the car down the High Street with a box of wine, a half whiskey and a 3 year old in tow but it was worth the looks.
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Magnificent beard and ‘tache combo, by one of the assistant refs, at the Leinster game.
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Good night Vienna
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Refit, that’s probably the only magnificent thing in Lyon.
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Ah,,,,just got back to the computer after having stitches re-dressed by the area infirmiere (nurse) and see that Exeter have done their second half thing. Good lads
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Also got a .date for my knee replacement – 27th January 2020……….gulp!
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Both games went downhill in the second half. Exeter got a complete grip on territory and it all went from there. Lyon-Leinster started out as entertainingly fesity and it stayed feisty but was a shit fight overall.
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Slade, my father-in-law got his knee done maybe three years ago and it was transformative for him. Good luck but it might be/should be/hopefully will be the best thing to happen to you in ages.
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I thought Slade was motm, but Nowell played well.
Glasgow need more poundage up front
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Bon chance with it Slade, my neighbour had both his done last year, he goes sea kayaking all over the place, up around the Hebrides etc and it hasn’t slowed him down a bit
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Jeez Slade, you are keeping the local health service busy down there. Best of lock with the knee.
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Enzo/Ticht – thanks guys – I’m looking forward to the post op improvement and getting back in the mountains!
Thanks for making me MoM too!
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Glasgow are a team in decline. They’ve never replaced the top players of the past – Nakarawa, Maitland, Finn, now Hogg. They hardly recruited anyone in preseason. Relying on guys like Fusaro in the backrow is not good enough for Big Cup rugby. Too lightweight, not enough depth in the squad. They’ll do ok in the Pro14 because it’s a weak league, but they’ll not win anything on this trajectory.
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SBT – and it’s quick – and it’s free!
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Scores updated, in the ATL.
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Lyon score their first ever point in the Hcup: a LBP!
Sexton in the post match ITW trying to paint them as the best team in France. Good player but lousy pundit.
Leinter good value for their win. Calm and composed, some would say cynical at the right moments. Very solid densively.
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Slade, I have seen people with a brand new knee walking the day of their op. With crutches, sure, but still. You’ll be better after.
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Flair – in the hospital they insist that you do! Plus of course I get loads of free Physio for weeks afterwards!
#gettingitalldonebeforeBrexitfucksthingsup
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Oh dog we’ve got the commentator who sounds like he sat down wrong and caught one of his nuts
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Very good game in Limerick. Powerful and precise.
3/0 for Munster.
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Right in the kisser
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Obscene from Finnocent.
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What a try by Finn.
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Nutmegged ‘im
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Such a shame if this gets knocked off for some crap at the breakdown. That’s what Glasgow are missing (among other things).
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What a difference a week makes. Clermont reveal they are a true French team so wildly inconsistent and now Harlequins appearing efficient
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Nice of you to have it on my birthday.
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Another delightful one. Racing in the mood. Munster are playing pretty well in a lot of ways but need to sharpen up.
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Another lovely try from Racing!
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Clermont was mostly let down by the SH/FH who started the game. Laidlaw, and McIntyre
As soon as Parra and Lopez came on, the game changed. A bit too late.
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Racing can be lethal, that is lovely from TT
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yosoy
i shall think only of you ……………………………
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This is a good game
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I quite agree thar the pulling of wee greig marked a great improvement for Clermont but they had a general malaise that they never fully lost all game
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Zebo won’t be happy, but good from Earls
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Good try by Earls just before HT.
Score: 11/14.
Excellent game.
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David Wallace was a great player
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Lovely from Finn again. He’s quite good, isn’t he?
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BB, I wish Embra had a Finn.
This ref has been good
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I think today showed the gulf there still is between Hastings and Finn.
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That deserved a try
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You just know Munster are going to win this despite not really being in it
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You’ve got to like a young laddie watching a rugby match with a ploughing hat on
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great kick, what drama
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Good game, it would have been a travesty if Munster had pinched that in the end
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Great match.
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