Oooh, I’m so excited! Come on, Ulster! They are playing in orange, aren’t they? Or are they the ones in white and red? I can never remember. Oh, right, white.
Grand, they’re starting. Why do they kick the ball to the other team instead of hanging on to it? That’s silly. Now look, there’s going to be a scrum. I know what a scrum is. It’s a bit like a cuddle, but then they all stick their noses in each other’s arses and the wee fella chucks the ball in. Then the whistle blows and they do it all over again ten times.
Fantastic, Ulster have got the ball! Oh look, he’s kicked it off the field, the eejit. What do you mean, in the opposition’s 22? Why is everyone standing up for the Ulstermen? Oh, so that’s good then.
Some of those fellas trundling up don’t look very fit at all. They’re a bit fat, like. They should go on a diet: they’re supposed to be able to run around for ninety minutes. Oh, eighty minutes? Close enough. If they could run for ninety, they could run for eighty easily.
Why have the other side got the ball to throw in? We had it last. I think the referee has got this wrong. Look at that: the man threw it to his own team and now they’ve got the ball. Now they’re all over the floor and it’s hard to tell what’s going on.
Wa-hey, that Ulsterman’s got the ball! Whoops, he’s dropped it. Ach well, never mind, it is pissing it down and it’s probably a bit slippy. What do you mean, the others get a scrum? He didn’t mean to drop it. That’s just not fair.
Scrums are boring.
Hooray, a penalty!
Didn’t he kick it beautifully? I bet it’s because his mum raised him on soda farls. Oh, South African, is he? Well, never mind, I’m sure his mother loves him anyway.
HALF-TIME
Boys-oh-boy but that’s a fine figure of a man. Have you any idea if he’s single? I have three daughters. And no grandchildren. Except for two dogs. And they’re both spayed.
SISTER’S INTERJECTION
– Is that Andrew Trimble?
– Yep; how did you know?
– We used to catch the same bus to school.
– Was he nice?
– Yeah, decent bloke.
– He’s retired now; that’s why he’s doing commentary.
– Oh Christ, I feel old.
RETURN TO THE MOTHERSHIP
Have you got his phone number?
SECOND HALF
Oh, d’ye see that fella there? That’s Stuart McCloskey. He goes to my hairdresser. He has lovely hair, so he does. He doesn’t half darken the doorway when he walks into the shop though.
Would you look at that nonsense! All the other fellas are piling on top. That’s bullying. Why doesn’t the referee stop it?
Ach for fuck’s sake the referee is awarding a penalty to the other side! This is a travesty. What do you mean, failed to release the ball? It was his bloody ball and I don’t see why he should give it to them. That’s ridiculous.
Well, this is more like it. Brave boys running down the pitch and putting the ball down over the line.
What’s a TMO? Turd Match Official? Why shouldn’t you be able to throw the ball in any direction you like if you’ve got it?
See that. I was right. Ulster vindicated. I don’t know why there was any dispute.
Well, there you are now, Martin.* Match won despite the other’s side’s cheating and the referee being biased.
*I have no idea where this phrase comes from, but it might be this.
Note: as you may be able to tell, this was mostly originally written a couple of years ago. OvallyBalls prize* to the first person who spots the internal inconsistency.
*This may not be an actual prize.
On the telly this week
Friday 22nd November
| Ulster 28 – 13 Clermont | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
Saturday 23rd November
| Saracens 44 – 3 Ospreys | 13:00 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 32 – 35 Saints | 13:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| Toulouse 32 – 17 Connacht | 13:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Exeter 34 – 18 Glasgow | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| England 60 – 3 Italy (women) | 15:00 | YouTube (!) |
| Lyon 6 – 13 Leinster | 15:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Munster 21 – 21 Racing | 17:30 | BT Sport 3 |
| Quins 15 – 9 Bath | 17:30 | BT Sport 2 |
| Cardiff v Leicester | 20:00 | S4C / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 24th November
| Sale v La Rochelle | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Gloucester | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Great advert for the game.
A draw is a fair result, and so were the players. Great spirit.
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1 to go
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Thought Finn should have been MOTM there.
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Watching the Copa Libertadores final on Beeb 2. The atmosphere sounds incredible. Might help that its an Argentinian team (River Plate) against a Brazilian team (Flamengo) in neutral Lima.
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Copa Libertadores has got to be better than the double faded glory of Cardiff/Leicester.
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MOTM for me would’ve been Camille Chat. But unfortunately hookers don’t last more than 60 minutes nowadays (don’t you dare to Karl me on this! ) .
Never mind. Both teams were men of the match.
And the public.
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Yos – not sure about that. Not been the greatest game so far.
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The half time chat from Jonathan Wilson alone has been worth tuning in for. Great to see a knowledgeable pundit.
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Beefy in attendance at the Arms Park. Grandson Jim will be on in the next 20 minutes or so.
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Jim is already on. Just fucked up at the base of the scrum.
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Kenny Dalglish rugby link of the day #2: ex Cardiff legend Nicky Robinson is on the Welsh language tv team. He’s married to one of Kenny’s daughters.
We used to call Nicky ‘King’ in a nod to Dalglish and former Cardiff outside half Barry John (also called King).
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Striker barely has a kick all game – scores two goals to complete comeback for his team. Now everybody’s getting sent off!
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Honestly Cardiff, what was that at the end?
Saw most of the second half. Cardiff less than good at 9 and 10, but really should have won despite that. Notably hopeless refereeing didn’t help.
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(Somewhat) Public Service Announcement: The Hamilton Tiger-Cats and the Winnipeg Blue Bombers will contest for the BIG prize in the 107th Grey Cup 18h00 EST tomorrow.
You know you want to watch it.
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Sadly one of the Britain’s
greatest living maker of history documentaries has gone full conspiracy theorist. Doubt he understands the time pressure involved nor how the editing process works. https://mobile.twitter.com/simon_schama/status/1198376241201590272
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He’s in cahoots with X factor winner and cabaret legend Steve Brookstein
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When the BBC edited footage from the Battle of Orgeave to make it look like the miners attacked the police rather than the other way round, I’m sure it was an honest mistake. Those miners who were battered to a pulp and then thrown into court on trumped up charges have NO PLACE suggesting otherwise.
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Morning!
Not sure that match yesterday was worth the trip.
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So said all the Glasgow fans who travelled to Exeter.
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OT, I’m sure I’ve told this story before but a striking miner I knew threw a stone at some windows in an empty building at a pit just out side Edinburgh, he didn’t know he was being filmed by the BBC at the time but sure enough he appeared on the news that night, only the stone missed the windows in Edinburgh and apparently it hit a copper in Yorkshire.
You saw him throw it, then you saw a policeman holding his face
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If it’s not already dead (and I’m hearing conflicting things), then it should be after last night.
Remember when Project Reset solved everything in Welsh rugby?
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La Rochelle are a shadow of the team they used to be since O’Gara took over from Collazo and Garbajosa. They used to be a mini Clermont, they now play like Castres.
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Perfect example of hubris. La Rochelle turn down a penalty in front of the posts only for Sale to score a 100m try!
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Oh dear Faf. Made a complete cock-up of that fantastic try by over-running MacGinty.
And now they’re TMO-ing it, after the conversion has been taken?!?
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Woof! Try disallowed for a forward pass.
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I think the conversion law has been changed, there was certainly some conversation about it, but even if not I fully support the ref ignoring it.
And, yes, that was 100% Faf’s fault. A nitpicking ref could have pinged him for offside.
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Too bad for the forward pass, it was poetic justice for La Rochelle’s stupid choice.
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@Enzo – I don’t think that change has been made yet. The check came in after the quick conversion. Poor by the reffing team, but the correct outcome.
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“look at that lovely mahogany coffee table”
Brought back memories of Frank Bruno.
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Oh, looks like a red for LAR.
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Been an eventful few minutes for Andrew Brace.
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Red card incoming.
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Red for the LAR hooker, for putting his fingers all over Curry’s eyes.
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What the fuck is the point of snarling and jersey grabbing and pushing if as soon as the ref arrives everyone is grinning and shaking hands? Pathetic. Someone maybe in trouble for contact with the eye area here.
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Correct decision. Wild from Bougarit. Vahaamahina is a great comparison. His teammates will be raging.
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Bourgarit- who has a couple of selections to his name as a sub IIRC- just blew his career. How stupid can you be?
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I was looking at the conversion law, could not find the details. Agree with Enzo, a quick conversion should not prevent a review of the action, that’d be against the spirit of the game.
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And another yellow for LAR – Priso this time, for dropping a Sale maul, as it gets to the try line.
Also a pen try for Sale, 17-10.
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La Rochelle back to 14!
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La Rochelle down to 13!
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And as soon as the YC comes back on the pitch, LR get another -deserved- one. Pathetic discipline.
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Things not going swimmingly for La Rochelle. Penalty try and another card, I’m assuming for collapsing the maul. Sound off because Mrs Deebee is watching a Dolly Parton series.
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Whilst I’m sure Thaum will approve it seems a bit unfair to make Mrs Deebee watch it with the sound off.
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Can’t say Sale are taking much advantage of LR being two men down.
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The players who have stayed on the pitch are doing a terrific job. This is an unusual and particular match and LAR have a chance so tiny it’s impossible to see despite the fight and spirit being shown. But there are a lot of guys doing a serious shift.
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Brock James with drop-goal attempts off both feet. First one charged down, the second, off his wrong foot and from further out, bounces off the post.
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LAR deserve at least a point from this for putting in such a shift. On the other hand you could argue that having three players carded means they’re not deserving of pity or admiration.
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La Rochelle going to be lucky to finish with 13 here.
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Johnny Beattie commentating on the Motpellier/Gloucester game. Son, not the dad (he’s John).
Oh dog, they’re going to be Clancy’d.
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Montepellier also rocking the Luton Town look.
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