Oooh, I’m so excited! Come on, Ulster! They are playing in orange, aren’t they? Or are they the ones in white and red? I can never remember. Oh, right, white.
Grand, they’re starting. Why do they kick the ball to the other team instead of hanging on to it? That’s silly. Now look, there’s going to be a scrum. I know what a scrum is. It’s a bit like a cuddle, but then they all stick their noses in each other’s arses and the wee fella chucks the ball in. Then the whistle blows and they do it all over again ten times.
Fantastic, Ulster have got the ball! Oh look, he’s kicked it off the field, the eejit. What do you mean, in the opposition’s 22? Why is everyone standing up for the Ulstermen? Oh, so that’s good then.
Some of those fellas trundling up don’t look very fit at all. They’re a bit fat, like. They should go on a diet: they’re supposed to be able to run around for ninety minutes. Oh, eighty minutes? Close enough. If they could run for ninety, they could run for eighty easily.
Why have the other side got the ball to throw in? We had it last. I think the referee has got this wrong. Look at that: the man threw it to his own team and now they’ve got the ball. Now they’re all over the floor and it’s hard to tell what’s going on.
Wa-hey, that Ulsterman’s got the ball! Whoops, he’s dropped it. Ach well, never mind, it is pissing it down and it’s probably a bit slippy. What do you mean, the others get a scrum? He didn’t mean to drop it. That’s just not fair.
Scrums are boring.
Hooray, a penalty!
Didn’t he kick it beautifully? I bet it’s because his mum raised him on soda farls. Oh, South African, is he? Well, never mind, I’m sure his mother loves him anyway.
HALF-TIME
Boys-oh-boy but that’s a fine figure of a man. Have you any idea if he’s single? I have three daughters. And no grandchildren. Except for two dogs. And they’re both spayed.
SISTER’S INTERJECTION
– Is that Andrew Trimble?
– Yep; how did you know?
– We used to catch the same bus to school.
– Was he nice?
– Yeah, decent bloke.
– He’s retired now; that’s why he’s doing commentary.
– Oh Christ, I feel old.
RETURN TO THE MOTHERSHIP
Have you got his phone number?
SECOND HALF
Oh, d’ye see that fella there? That’s Stuart McCloskey. He goes to my hairdresser. He has lovely hair, so he does. He doesn’t half darken the doorway when he walks into the shop though.
Would you look at that nonsense! All the other fellas are piling on top. That’s bullying. Why doesn’t the referee stop it?
Ach for fuck’s sake the referee is awarding a penalty to the other side! This is a travesty. What do you mean, failed to release the ball? It was his bloody ball and I don’t see why he should give it to them. That’s ridiculous.
Well, this is more like it. Brave boys running down the pitch and putting the ball down over the line.
What’s a TMO? Turd Match Official? Why shouldn’t you be able to throw the ball in any direction you like if you’ve got it?
See that. I was right. Ulster vindicated. I don’t know why there was any dispute.
Well, there you are now, Martin.* Match won despite the other’s side’s cheating and the referee being biased.
*I have no idea where this phrase comes from, but it might be this.
Note: as you may be able to tell, this was mostly originally written a couple of years ago. OvallyBalls prize* to the first person who spots the internal inconsistency.
*This may not be an actual prize.
On the telly this week
Friday 22nd November
| Ulster 28 – 13 Clermont | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
Saturday 23rd November
| Saracens 44 – 3 Ospreys | 13:00 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 32 – 35 Saints | 13:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| Toulouse 32 – 17 Connacht | 13:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Exeter 34 – 18 Glasgow | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| England 60 – 3 Italy (women) | 15:00 | YouTube (!) |
| Lyon 6 – 13 Leinster | 15:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Munster 21 – 21 Racing | 17:30 | BT Sport 3 |
| Quins 15 – 9 Bath | 17:30 | BT Sport 2 |
| Cardiff v Leicester | 20:00 | S4C / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 24th November
| Sale v La Rochelle | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Gloucester | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Montpellier too powerful for Glos. Could get ugly in the 2nd half.
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About 70kg difference in the Monsterpelier pack over the Glaws one.
Great game plan from Glaws is to run from own 22 and knock-on repeatedly. As a result lucky to only be 14 points down even including being stiffed by the video ref for their first try.
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Good game in Montpellier. Clash of styles.
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Beadle, take the packs weights with a pinch of salt. These are usually official early season figures with little reality.
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Clancy just said: “like France in the WC” and produced a RC for Duplessis very simlar to Vahaa’s.
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Montpellier lose a lock for an elbow to the face. Can Glos makevit count in the last 20? They’ve been much better in the 2nd half.
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Deebee, the lock is actually a flanker. A Saffer called Jacques Duplessis. Word is that he wants to play for France. He’d be in good company with Vahaa.
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Tense finish in Montpellier. 30/27 with 4 minutes to go.
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Final score 30/27.
Gloucester pleasant to watch if a bit predictable.
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Flair, Du Plessis was nudging Bok selection atvone stage – played SA Schools and SA Under-20. Big unit. Learned his thuggery at TomP’s Bulls.
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@flair predictable is a fair comment I think. We don’t have enough variety at the moment in the ball-in-hand strategy. Noted that when Atkinson chipped, we got an immediate positive result in the Simpson try. I guess Ackerman is wanting Glaws to develop the variety as they play but we could be waiting a long time especially against teams who can really punish you in your own territory.
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BTW for the Scots posters Alex Craig got Maro OTM in a losing performance.
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Deebee, FWIW I thought Duplessis certainly deserved a RC but his elbow to the face of the Gloucester player did not sem as deliberate as Vahaa’s in the RWC, as he was “swimming” in the maul. In other words, more reckless than malicious. To be clear, a fully deserved RC nevertheless.
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Deebbe, Big Jacques was a favourite of mine when he played at Loftus and I was disappointed to see him go so young. His disciplinary record was, of course, exemplary at the Bulls. One can only surmise that he picked up this reckless violence from the notoriously ill-disciplined French and/or the underhand ex-Sharks players at Montpellier.
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I’m sure it was another Saffa that he elbowed. There was obviously some discussion going on before the elbow, and probably Big Jacques took offence at the other guy slagging off DeeBee.
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Sorry about spelling your name wrong there, Deebee, my old china. To see what’s happened to what was a fine upstanding young man who played hard but fair in the famed light blue breaks both my heart and my typing finger.
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Real (indoor) cricket update.
Upminster U10s overcame a tough challenge from Harold Wood and beat them by 20 runs. My lad was promoted into the u10s despite only being 8 because he combines furious pace with nagging accuracy. His 2 overs only yielded 2 runs but no wickets, largely because the ultra bouncy semi-hard ball kept bouncing over the stumps when they played and missed.
This follows on from his debut vs St John’s Billericay the other week when he similarly terrified them with his pace but managed to grab a wicket when the ball hit a line on the basketball court they play on and kept low, bowling the batsman. They won that one by 40 runs.
Smug update ends.
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Tomp, may I apologise in the name of a whole nation for having had such a bad influence on an otherwise perfect young man?
Must be something in the food, because honestly, we are not that kind of player…. oops- people.
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Since he plays for Montpellier it’s more likely to be the Sharks/Grwy College influence.
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Valentin Gnahoua, from Le Mans, France plays in tonight’s Grey Cup – he may be the first Frenchman to play in a Grey Cup.
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Apologies if anyone watched the match on my recommendation.
It was total domination by the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, both offensively and defensively.
33-12 is the final score.
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Big Jacques took offence at the other guy slagging off DeeBee.
Quite right too. I’ve told this story here before, I think, of one of my first live rugby matches at Ellis Park, watching Transvaal (now Golden Lions) play Eastern Province (Southern Kings). They were pretty brutal encounters even by standards in those days, with the mining boys from the Highveld up against the farmers and motor industry bys of the Eastern Cape.
My dad and I were sitting right next to the pitch on the halfway line and a lineout formed. The EP lock, George Rautenbach, allegedly said something about the Transvaal Springbok lock Kevin de Klerk’s mother. Not a word in response, but when big George went up for the ball he got hit so hard he didn’t make it off the ground. de Klerk walked away flexing his hand with an air of cherubic innocence as they tried to revive Rautenbach.
A lesson learned: never slag off an Afrikaners mother within fist-swinging distance.
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Lesson 2: Johannesburgers/ Westranders/ Eastranders are extremely violent
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Only when mum’s honour is on the line. John Robbie’s memories of it are here (amongst other memories)
https://www.iol.co.za/capeargus/sport/how-i-fought-in-the-war-of-the-words-331017
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Decided I’ll be supporting the Melbourne Rebels as my Aussie team in SupeRugby this season (when they’re not playing SA sides, even the Bulls) for no other reason than they have a Harry Potter in the squad. English born and qualified. Plays on the wing apparently. They also have 7 SA born players, 3 Kiwis, 3 Fijians and a Namibian in the squad. Bringing through the local talent, eh?
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Isn’t it because the Italian player said something about his mother that Zidane head butted him?
Not sure, but I think Duplessis can’t play for France unless he plays several games with France VII first as he’s tied one way or another with SA.
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He played SA Under 20 in 2013 and they made the Under 20s the team that captures the player around then. When he left he said he wanted to play for the Biks one day but these things change.
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https://www.thestar.co.uk/news/well-make-ireland-leave-eu-well-doncaster-mp-hopeful-comes-brexit-solution-1312441
Finally, someone has nailed Brexit.
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Simples
Just get those pesky Irish to do what they’re told.
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Lots of red cardage from the french teams at the weekend.
Now Dylz has retired someone needs to step up and do the job For the English.
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Flair, that is the story I read about the Zidane headbutt incident.
Chimpie, it wasn’t so long ago that John Humphrys on the Today programme suggested to the Irish EU minister that the pesky Irish should just leave the EU and “throw in its lot” with the UK.
That a recent poll had shown 98% backing of staying in the EU in Ireland was neither here nor there.
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rumours flying of Huw Jones back to Stormers
Glasgow fans turning on the coaching staff.
Losing the 1872 cup again is just going to rub salt into the open wound.
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@ticht
I vaguely remember that. It’s probably a core view among ERG types.
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Chimpie yeah the offside line are reporting a big fall-out between Jones and Dave Rennie, maybe Danny Wilson will have a quiet word in Jones’ ear and persuade him to stay for the rest of the season.
The other side of the coin is the Nakarawa is being pursued by Sale as short-term injury cover, maybe Glasgow could persuade him to come back to Glasgow where he was very happy – apparently he goes to visit Ryan Wilson and his family a lot.
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‘According to Netwerk24, Jones would now like to leave the Warriors after falling out with coach Dave Rennie and move to the English Premiership. While he arranges a move a way, he would like to return to the Stormers and play Super Rugby next year.’
Was going to say he should have gone to the tiggers while he had a chance, but looks like a dodged a bit of a bullet there.
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The Jones to Cape Town rumours are flying here as well, but I wonder if they could afford him? ‘Specially when he’s now officially crap.
For our Scottish brethren who lament not having a crack at the Comedy Boks, ex-Southern Kings coach Deon Davids is being spoken of as a possible replacement for Rassie. 3 wins in 42 matches in his first two seasons in charge will have you all licking your lips.* We’re doomed.
* He did manage 6 wins in his final season, but hardly earth-shattering stuff.**
** Did coach the side with the smallest budget and worst blazers in SA (possibly world) rugby.
*** Still shouldn’t get the gig – Jacques Nienaber, the defence coach who has worked with Rasssie for years, should get it ahead of anyone else.
**** That’s it.
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Dodged a bullet and ran slap into the machine gun if he’s going back to the Comedy Stormers.
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Iks is claiming to be on an unwanted holiday in the Maldives at the same time that Dresden’s Green Vault is broken into and Euro 1bn of art stolen? Pffft! Let’s be having some of that, son!
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2019/nov/25/thieves-steal-priceless-treasures-dresden-green-vault-museum
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Jamie Robert’s fancies a bit of Stormers action as well.
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I want to go to the Stormers!
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I think you’re too good for that Craigs. Southern Kings is maybe more your level. Anyway, Andrew Mehrtens is having our sides kicked out and replaced by Japanese sides soon, so there won’t be a Stormers side anymore.
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There’s always a place for them in the Pro something.
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Pro infinity!
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I’m out on strike. Standing around is tiring.
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Footage of Dab today
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‘Trump is ‘the chosen one, sent by God to do great things,’ says energy secretary Rick Perry .’
got a sick sense of humour this dog character.
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OT – if only they’d held their formation, maybe had a row of pikes.
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This cup of soup is very disappointing. Thin. watery. Lacking in flavour.
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Is ‘cup of soup’ a euphemism for the Tory Manifesto’s reality?
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Can confirm that the footage is genuine as everyone in South Wales still has the same haircut.
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