Oooh, I’m so excited! Come on, Ulster! They are playing in orange, aren’t they? Or are they the ones in white and red? I can never remember. Oh, right, white.
Grand, they’re starting. Why do they kick the ball to the other team instead of hanging on to it? That’s silly. Now look, there’s going to be a scrum. I know what a scrum is. It’s a bit like a cuddle, but then they all stick their noses in each other’s arses and the wee fella chucks the ball in. Then the whistle blows and they do it all over again ten times.
Fantastic, Ulster have got the ball! Oh look, he’s kicked it off the field, the eejit. What do you mean, in the opposition’s 22? Why is everyone standing up for the Ulstermen? Oh, so that’s good then.
Some of those fellas trundling up don’t look very fit at all. They’re a bit fat, like. They should go on a diet: they’re supposed to be able to run around for ninety minutes. Oh, eighty minutes? Close enough. If they could run for ninety, they could run for eighty easily.
Why have the other side got the ball to throw in? We had it last. I think the referee has got this wrong. Look at that: the man threw it to his own team and now they’ve got the ball. Now they’re all over the floor and it’s hard to tell what’s going on.
Wa-hey, that Ulsterman’s got the ball! Whoops, he’s dropped it. Ach well, never mind, it is pissing it down and it’s probably a bit slippy. What do you mean, the others get a scrum? He didn’t mean to drop it. That’s just not fair.
Scrums are boring.
Hooray, a penalty!
Didn’t he kick it beautifully? I bet it’s because his mum raised him on soda farls. Oh, South African, is he? Well, never mind, I’m sure his mother loves him anyway.
HALF-TIME
Boys-oh-boy but that’s a fine figure of a man. Have you any idea if he’s single? I have three daughters. And no grandchildren. Except for two dogs. And they’re both spayed.
SISTER’S INTERJECTION
– Is that Andrew Trimble?
– Yep; how did you know?
– We used to catch the same bus to school.
– Was he nice?
– Yeah, decent bloke.
– He’s retired now; that’s why he’s doing commentary.
– Oh Christ, I feel old.
RETURN TO THE MOTHERSHIP
Have you got his phone number?
SECOND HALF
Oh, d’ye see that fella there? That’s Stuart McCloskey. He goes to my hairdresser. He has lovely hair, so he does. He doesn’t half darken the doorway when he walks into the shop though.
Would you look at that nonsense! All the other fellas are piling on top. That’s bullying. Why doesn’t the referee stop it?
Ach for fuck’s sake the referee is awarding a penalty to the other side! This is a travesty. What do you mean, failed to release the ball? It was his bloody ball and I don’t see why he should give it to them. That’s ridiculous.
Well, this is more like it. Brave boys running down the pitch and putting the ball down over the line.
What’s a TMO? Turd Match Official? Why shouldn’t you be able to throw the ball in any direction you like if you’ve got it?
See that. I was right. Ulster vindicated. I don’t know why there was any dispute.
Well, there you are now, Martin.* Match won despite the other’s side’s cheating and the referee being biased.
*I have no idea where this phrase comes from, but it might be this.
Note: as you may be able to tell, this was mostly originally written a couple of years ago. OvallyBalls prize* to the first person who spots the internal inconsistency.
*This may not be an actual prize.
On the telly this week
Friday 22nd November
| Ulster 28 – 13 Clermont | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
Saturday 23rd November
| Saracens 44 – 3 Ospreys | 13:00 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 32 – 35 Saints | 13:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| Toulouse 32 – 17 Connacht | 13:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Exeter 34 – 18 Glasgow | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| England 60 – 3 Italy (women) | 15:00 | YouTube (!) |
| Lyon 6 – 13 Leinster | 15:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Munster 21 – 21 Racing | 17:30 | BT Sport 3 |
| Quins 15 – 9 Bath | 17:30 | BT Sport 2 |
| Cardiff v Leicester | 20:00 | S4C / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 24th November
| Sale v La Rochelle | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Gloucester | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
More Dab footage
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OT – so envious of those chops.
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He can keep the mullet though.
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Unfortunately my hair is like the ch-chshhh bloke in the video.
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Point 1: I can’t afford a holiday in the Maldives wanted or unwanted. I was in the Azores during the month tour operators don’t bother with.
Point 2: That miners strike footage captures exactly the same game as Brexit, except both sides have found a third party to throw stones and truncheons at in ignorance and rage.
Point 3: the Flying Pickets can fuck off:
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This was nice, by Biggar.
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Iks – older than me, that there.
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This Lee Anderson’s been unlucky recently. First that clip of him suggesting forced labour camps and now this:
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Good work, Dab. I hope you’re fight’ll be successful.
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your/you’re. Your fight’ll be successful.
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All this suggestion that the BBC regularly editing things to make the government of the day look better is fake news. All an innocent mistake. BBC employee Huw Edwards has spoken!
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BeadleKlaxon to be the new theme music for News at Ten.
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Left wing journalist Paul Mason jumps to the defence of right wing (ish) journalist Peter Oborne
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Beeb have now ‘admitted that they got it wrong’.
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2 old times beaten up. They were canvassing for Labour. That is not good.
https://www.bbc.com/news/election-2019-50552115
https://www.dudleynews.co.uk/news/regional/18059618.elderly-labour-party-volunteer-injured-deeply-shocking-attack-canvassing/
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Refit, would it be mean-spirited of me to suggest that that Biggar pass should be bread and butter to a professional international fly half?
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Gareth Edwards could throw a five hundred metre pass like that and land it on the sharp end of a pin, thus bursting the ball.
okay, but he did used to throw that reverse pass long and accurately.
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TomP – what the fuck is wrong with these people? There are many people I disagree with politically, but assaulting them would never cross my mind, much less if they were elderly.
I might have recently told a young Tory canvasser that he should be ashamed of himself, but I even managed not to swear, let alone assault him.
Mind you, at the Cardiff match, there was a particularly obnoxious Tigers supporter behind me that I was very tempted to punch. The mister advised me not to do it. Probably he was thinking more of my delicate knuckles.
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Thaum, I still think it’s weird when I see a young Tory, mainly because we never really had any in my town. There was one guy in my year at school but he wore a bow tie and played the organ in the parish church, nice enough guy in other ways, mind.
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“Gareth Edwards could throw a five hundred metre pass like that and land it on the sharp end of a pin, thus bursting the ball.
okay, but he did used to throw that reverse pass long and accurately.”
Barry John and Phil Bennett made him look good.
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Then there’s this: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/nov/25/eighty-two-year-old-woman-beats-up-burglar-broke-into-home
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Ticht – yes, it’s weird. When you see them coming down the street, you know they’re either Tories or Mormons.
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There was one young Tory of my acquaintance. Carried a briefcase and accused my parents of not working hard enough to afford private healthcare. He lived above a chippy (nowt wrong with that, of course) but kept that quiet. I looked him up – this is him now:
https://www.herbertsmithfreehills.com/our-people/mark-ife
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OT – that’s a Tory CV if I’ve ever seen one.
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Ha Tam!
I never saw Barry John, Bennett was just about when I was starting to watch rugby.
I’ll probably think of other in due course but some of the Welsh guys I really admired back in my childhood days were guys like Merve the Swerve, the Pontypool Front Row, Steve Fenwick, with his formidable blond moustache, JPR of course, JJ Williams, Quinnell Snr
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Bournemouth’s a fairly big town but in the late 1980s (population of 150,000 at the time) me and the other 4 members of the Labour Party Young Socialists had our work cut out to turn the tide against the Tories.
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Gerald, mun.
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Grav. Grav.
I’m far too young to have seen John play but have seen the clips. Amazing runner and a great kicker. Phil Bennett was my hero when I was 5 or 6. Word is Dai Watkins was better than both.
The most hallowed of names to drop is Dai “The Shadow” Morris. Never saw him.
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“Bournemouth’s a fairly big town but in the late 1980s (population of 150,000 at the time) me and the other 4 members of the Labour Party Young Socialists had our work cut out to turn the tide against the Tories.”
Aly Bain, Scottish fiddler of high renown told a story, in fact no, it was Billy Connolly who told the story that Aly had told him when they did folk gigs together.
Aly is from Shetland, he was in the Shetland Communist Party. There were four of them and they met in the spare room at the police station because one of the members’ brother was a polis.
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I’ve just had a look for Wales Online “greatest Welsh XV”, several writers made their choices,
This one comes closest to my picks
JPR Williams; Gerald Davies, John Dawes (capt), Scott Gibbs, Shane Williams; Phil Bennett, Gareth Edwards, Gethin Jenkins, Bobby Windsor, Graham Price, Alun Wyn Jones, Robert Norster, Colin Charvis, Gwyn Jones, Mervyn Davies.
I don’t remember Gwyn Jones, so that gives me an excuse to sub in Scott Quinnell, just because I like him and he was a feckin monster. I’d have to sub out Charvis for Warbs, though, Quinnell on the blindside, Warbs at 7
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Bob Norster with his big squint nose, ruling the lineout
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I feel bad for Gav, he should have been in an all time world XV.
Such a talent, *sigh*
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@OT –
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Ticht, Gwyn Jones was a (trainee) doctor. Had his back fucked up when he was competing at a breakdown in a club game. Very good player and was captain of Wales when his career ended.
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On our drives to and from South Wales, we drive past something called the Gethin Woodland Park, or similar.
I picture a load of Welsh props put out to graze on woodland steak and eggs and ales.
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Blues Birthdays, Slight Return.
25th of November 1976, The Band held their farewell concert, “The Last Waltz”, the film has become known as one of the best films of the genre, after Spinal Tap, of course
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“The introduction is crammed with tortured Johnsonian similes; a reference to the constituent nations of the UK as the ‘awesome foursome’ could convert an ardent unionist to the cause of Scottish independence. “
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“When you see them coming down the street, you know they’re either Tories or Mormons.”
Haha, it’s weird reading that as many people where I grew up were tories but they looked fairly normal.
In fact, where I live now is very tory but a different kind of tory.
Maybe someone looks at me and says:
“When you see them coming down the street, you know they’re either left wing middle class wankers or hippies.”
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Bob Norster was a legend’s legend. I have vague and biased memories of him being a targeted man when playing for Wales and the Lions to the point that injuries curtailed his career. that all might just be inside my own head though.
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I never saw Grav play but I did meet him a couple of times and he was the most likeable, infectiously energetic person ever. If I could have played with any player it’d be him.
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@ticht
Regarding birthdays and musicians. In October we missed the birthday of Marti from the Dixie Chicks. Somewhat inexplicably it was her 50th, which took me by surprise.
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when you see them walking down the street………………………………………………..walk on by, walk on by, foolish pride
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OT – all my heroes seem to be in their 70s……………………………
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I’d say I was as big a fan of Charvo as anyone, but it’s not true. There’s Phil from Swansea who used to bet me a pound every game that Charvo would score and there’s whoever put him in that team.
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Not really prepared to move to anywhere that’s full of Tories. Visiting Hereford a few times a year is bad enough as it is.
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Spade, I’d always thought Iksy was younger than that.
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Autofuckingcorrect again. Slade with an “l”
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“JPR Williams; Gerald Davies, John Dawes (capt), Scott Gibbs, Shane Williams; Phil Bennett, Gareth Edwards, Gethin Jenkins, Bobby Windsor, Graham Price, Alun Wyn Jones, Robert Norster, Colin Charvis, Gwyn Jones, Mervyn Davies.”
Can remember everyone but Gwyn Jones… can’t place him at all – even after Google/Wikipedia (think it’s the dark days of Irish rugby – blanked out everything in the 90s other than Simon Geoghegan)
Of players I saw play – even if only a bit on tv – biggest arguments in that team – Shane vs JJ or John Bevan; Charvis ahead of Warburton or any Quinnell. (and goes without saying John vs Bennett is probably insoluble)
(only ever saw David Watkins playing RL for Salford)
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Wisemantel to the Wallabies.
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“Regarding birthdays and musicians. In October we missed the birthday of Marti from the Dixie Chicks. Somewhat inexplicably it was her 50th, which took me by surprise.”
Wow, me too. That’s come around quickly.
btw, if anyone is interested you can watch the whole of Shut Up and Sing on youtube – again it’s a rockumentary, but this one has a difference. It was meant to be a tour diary, just following the band as they played to huge audiences across the world, but then Natalie Maines said at a gig in London that they were ashamed Dubya Bush was from their home state of Texas they opposed the invasion of Iraq.
All hell broke loose, with them getting banned from country radio stations and fans burning their CDs. Maines even received a plausible death threat.
The film follows them through several years and it ends up back at the same venue in London.
It’s a good watch, whether you like the band or not.
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