IRELAND: No Backspace
A brief, incomprehensive preview of Ireland’s Six Nations 2020, written fast
Having muffed the entire last calendar year, Irish rugby returns to Europe feeling sorry for itself. The normal provincial success continues, but means nothing come the bitter dawn of the first weekend of February. It’s Six Nations time.
Daddy Faz is our new leader and he’s talked a lot of fan-service shite about how we’ll be a pure-running Irish team, ferocious and feral and flames for eyes. His actual vision for the side will get its first public airing this weekend. Many of the personnel are the same as the World Cup – too many, in a particular rather than strategic sense – but this still represents a period of major change.
Yet change is not to be feared. The history of Ireland at Rugby World Cups shows that a constant state of flux is, paradoxically, needed to maintain standards as well as develop them. 2019 was as clear an example as 2007 of the desiccated horror of trying to take a successful side that has just hit a peak and shield it from the passage of time. The only ways to stop a tiger changing daily are death and taxidermy.
And, so, we come to another paradox. Minimal changes of personnel at this time are not necessarily expressions of fear of that which is new. We could have bucked out everyone over the age of 30 – but we’re not picking the 2023 World Cup team in January 2020. We must be prepared to keep evolving in perpetuity. No need for do-something panic now.
This weekend’s team:
Spuds: Healy, Herring, Furlong, Henderson, Ryan, Stander, van der Flier, Doris
Gravy: Murray, Sexton, Stockdale, Aki, Ringrose, Conway, Larmour
Seconds: Kelleher, Kilcoyne, Porter, Toner, O’Mahony, Cooney, Ross Byrne, Henshaw
Johnny Sexton is the captain, and this is OK. He remains our best ten by a way and is one of a handful of nailed-on starters. If there is an issue with his captaincy, it’s not his age or his ability – it’s his captaincy. The key part of the job is dealing with the ref and, while he seems a charming and self-effacing man when in his civvies, game-day Johnny Sexton is an insufferable wanker. He makes enemies of the whistlers and, while recently he has tried smiling and coercion (and looked unnatural doing so), he’s only one perceived affront away from calling Romain Poîte a brainless snaildick. Contrast with your memories of perfect-son-in-law Sam Warburton and the issue is clear.
Conor Murray’s selection is a poor call. Conor of the past 12 months or so is not the champion player of the years prior. He’s not been bad, per se, and his imperiousness may still return. The issue is alternatives. John Cooney has been the most influential player in Europe this year.
Peter O’Mahony has been unshovellable shite for a year and the fact he made the Six Nations squad at all should have been questioned. Overall, his previous body of work makes that the right call – but picking him in a match-day 23 is frankly the wrong choice. The starting back row looks well-balanced, and chucking 21-year-old Doris straight in barely feels like a risk. However, Max Deegan or Jack O’Donoghue should be on the bench – with the choice of which made on a tactical and stylistic basis rather than trying to decide which of the two great athletes in great form best deserve the number 20 shirt.
Anyway, it’s just one weekend. The variable calls:
- which of four centres gets to play beside Ringrose?
- Larmour or Addison, or maybe both?
- the selected front rows look like our best six, but each of the calls could go either way – do we have a best front row, and do we even need a clear starting trio?
And so we will have room to breathe over the course of the tournament. A tournament we can win (we won’t, England will).
Now is the time for experimentation, to a point. But Andy Farrell does not get a free hit. Anything less than three wins is failure and, ultimately, we’re in it to win it.
Scotland by 50.
ENDS
Preview courtesy of EnzoM
WALES: The Dog That Didn’t Know Whether to be Under or Over
With apologies to Edmund Spenser:
One day they wrote his name upon the sheet,
But at night I came and washed it all away.
Again they wrote it in media and tweet
But in I crept, and made the twittering my prey.
Vain man! cried they, to wipe his name away
A frightening act, a cruel spine-tingler
To ensure Wayne Pivac forgets Aaron Shingler
Link to Squad for the 2020 Guinness Six Nations
Team to play Italy in Cardiff:
Leigh Halfpenny; Johnny McNicholl, George North, Hadleigh Parkes, Josh Adams; Dan Biggar, Tomos Williams; Wyn Jones, Ken Owens, Dillon Lewis, Jake Ball, Alun Wyn Jones (capt), Aaron Wainwright, Justin Tipuric, Taulupe Faletau.
Replacements: Ryan Elias, Rob Evans, Leon Brown, Cory Hill, Ross Moriarty, Rhys Webb, Jarrod Evans, Nick Tompkins.
Endings & Beginnings
As Wales sings Po Atarau / Now is the Hour to bid a fond farewell to Warren Gatland and Shaun Edwards, and a jauntier ‘I’ll Bet you a Kangaroo’ to help Howley hop off, the mood in the Heimat is unexpectedly optimistic.
Wayne Pivac seems to have seamlessly sewn himself into Warren’s catsuit, sorry tracksuit, and the players have gone through the four stages of post-RWC grief faster than a Greased-Zammit down a slippurly slurp℠.
Rather than the sour reek of sweaty anxiety, there’s the fresh morning air of new dawns and bright horizons. Players appear well-rested and happy to be in the new coaching set-up, and the injuries are not casting long shadows over the squad, even though some top players and Handsome Legends are missing.
But…
It’s in times like these that Wales can turn in some honking performances, especially in their opening 6N encounters at home, when all the optimism and expectation dissolves into blunt, turgid attack and weak, chaotic defence. Home cheers fade into murmurings about the bloody roof being open. Or closed.
But fair’s fair, a good old underdogging seems inappropriate, so like a Frankfurter in a bap I will settle for some in-between dogging followed by complete fantasy with my forecasts.
Saturday’s Match vs Italy
Wales have opted for a solid start, fielding an experienced line-up and just one new cap. We’ve flirted with North at 13 before and not much happened, good or bad. These days George is a more seasoned and moderate player, no longer the impetuous young buck throwing homophobes over his shoulder for fun. George has never been great positionally, but I hope his experience and maturity nails the position down for the duration of the Championship.
McNicholl is the only first-capper and Halfpenny’s selection at 15 is a wise move, so we should see some exciting counterattacking running from our Welsh Johnny. Let’s hope it doesn’t lead to a lot of turnovers because his teammates can’t keep up.
Wales are likely to creak in the scrum, but lineouts should be efficient enough with Tipuric and Wainwright doing a lot of the leaping at the tail. As great as it is to see Faletau back, I’m not getting carried away as it is still a long way back to his 2015 Lions Tour form and fitness.
Ball will no doubt go about his ball-carrying like a pig snouts truffle, but he makes some hard yards and plenty of tackles. AWJ will hopefully be his niggly, majestic self and lead from the front.
Prediction: a stuttering 23-11 Wales victory.
Round 2. Away to Ireland
Our first away match is against Ireland, and the Irish look like tournament favourites with both a strong team littered with in-form players, and the desire to lay to rest their World Cup ghosts and memories.
Unfortunately, Scotland seem determined to undermine their own chances in the opener against Ireland, so Wales will be up against a green wave of Grand Slam expectation.
Prediction: a brave effort but a narrow 29-23 Welsh defeat.
Fantasy Rugby 1. Home to France
I think France are really fed-up of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory against Wales, and this will be a big match for them. Time to unburden some true Welsh pessimism and imagine the worst.
After a bruising encounter in Dublin, Faletau leaves for an early Bath with another broken arm-bone. North and Halfpenny haven’t recovered from their HIAs and Greased-Zammit starts on the wing with Welsh Johnny switching to full back. Pivac has his full ‘Welsh Way’ moment and picks Willowy Shingler at 6, drafts Owen Williams into inside centre to replace a stolid Mr. Glue, with Bury my Heart at Watkin’s Knee selected at OC.
Big Dan Biggar spends the entire match kicking grubbers into the French in-goal area for Zammit to chase like a spaniel. France score five breakaway tries and Owen Williams reveals his wonky temperament by being red carded for scramming Fickou in the face during a touchline tussle.
Prediction: Wales lose 13-49 and Barry John calls for Pivac to be replaced by Rob Howley
Fantasy Rugby 2. The Miracle in Twickenham
After the madness in Cardiff, normal service is resumed and Wales return to full strength, except for Faletau. Halfpenny and North are recalled, and Liam starts on the wing. Wainwright replaces Shingles, and a fired-up Moriarty comes in at 8.
England are marching towards a Slam after victories over France, Scotland, and the BIG ONE against Ireland. Eddie is basking in a contract extension until 2027, making him the best paid coach in RU history.
After 60 minutes England are winning comfortably without stretching away. Pivac plays his joker and turns to his Dragons on the bench. Dee for Owens, Brown for Lewis, Hill for Ball, and squad replacement Tyler Morgan for wee Georgie North.
My-oh-my, what a comeback. A brace from Brown and a classic outside break from Morgan brings the score back to within one point. Greased-Zammit enters the fray while England are camped on the Welsh 5-metre line with 5 minutes to go.
A re-set scrum and Dee strikes against the head! Tomos feeds Biggar who feigns a touch-kick but slips a pass to Morgan. A step sends Billy V into Row C, creating space to free Zammit! Zammit scorches the length of the field to score like a Welsh Andy Hancock – in half the time.
Prediction: England 21-25 Wales
Fantasy Rugby 3. Highland Flings in Cardiff
After their surprise win against France, new Scottish Player-Coach Finn Russell selects the same team while captaining the side for the second time. Wales are also unchanged.
Both sides are committed to playing high-risk running rugby under a closed roof. Madness ensues, and the game ends 49-all, while breaking all records for the highest number of knock-ons ever recorded in an international rugby match. Finn invites both sides for a celebratory night out in Newport, where more pints are spilled than consumed. News comes in from Scotland that Toony and Hoggy have eloped. Jim Telfer’s neck explodes.
Preview courtesy of MisterIks
On the telly this week (SIX NATIONS!!!)
Friday 31st January
| Blues v Chiefs | 06:05 | Sky Sports Arena |
| Brumbies v Reds | 08:15 | Sky Sports Arena |
| Sharks v Bulls | 17:10 | Sky Sports Arena |
| Ireland U20 v Scotland U20 | 19:15 | YouTube / RTÉ TWO |
| Wales U20 v Italy U20 | 19:35 | S4C |
Saturday 1st February
| Sunwolves v Melbourne Rebels | 03:45 | Sky Sports Arena |
| Crusaders v Waratahs | 06:05 | Sky Sports Mix |
| Stormers v Hurricanes | 13:05 | Sky Sports Arena |
| Wales v Italy | 14:15 | BBC One / S4C |
| Cheetahs v Southern Kings | 15:00 | Freesports |
| Ireland v Scotland | 16:45 | ITV |
| France U20 v England U20 | 20:00 | Sky Sports Arena |
| Los Jaguares v Lions | 23:00 | Sky Sports Mix |
Sunday 2nd February
| France v England (women) | 12:30 | Sky Sports Mix |
| Exeter v Harlequins | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Wales v Italy (women) | 13:00 | BBC Two Wales |
| Ireland v Scotland (women) | 13:00 | BBC Alba / red button |
| France v England | 15:00 | BBC One |
Ovally Balls 
Think it’ll be shoogly peg time for Jones if England have a bad 6N?
i.e. losing 4
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4 is catastrophic as opposed to bad, but none the less perfectly possible. We haven’t beaten scotland for 3 years and the Wales and Ireland games are always 50-50 even when we’re playing well.
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I hadn’t realised we’d changed attack coach and I think we’ve changed the forwards coach too. Means it’s more the systems taking time to bed in as opposed to just an off day so even if we pull off a couple of wins we’ll not be convincing for a while.
Shame, this is one of the good years when we get our main rivals at home.
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Eddie could try Curry at scrum half?
Eddie should give Curry another go, otherwise it will look like blaming the player for a poor original selection / preparation. Curry will have learned from the experience and can work on the scrum technicalities in training this week. If Moriarty can find that tiny bit of Fred Astaire in himself, I’m sure Curry can as well.
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‘sup Slider! Nice to hear from you.
Although, priorities shmriorities, it’s all about the ruggerz innit and how fecked England are.
FECKED I tell thee.
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*Finnexit update*
‘GREGOR TOWNSEND and Finn Russell are now in dialogue’
*Finnexit update*
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Lots of frog loving going on, but ask yourself, what have frogs ever done for us?
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Ach, Curry is a class player, I’m sure he’ll cope on Saturday as no doubt our pack will be in reverse.
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*payment in whiskey update*
Still no whiskey.
*payment in whiskey update ends*
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Ben Youngs has had is crap game, he’ll no doubt be outstanding.
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‘what have frogs ever done for us?’
Key part of the aquatic ecosystem, is your frog. And you can eat their legs if so inclined.
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Face-off between Toonie and Eddie! Winner takes the Calcutta Cup, loser the Shoogly Peg Trophy!
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Apart from the ecosystem, the roads, the sanitation, what have frogs really done for us?
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Face-off between Toonie and Eddie!
Directed by John Woo!!!
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Also you never know if a frog is really a person who’s been bewitched by some evil mage.
Dova may have lawnmowered an actual person.
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That’s true. It’s why I always kiss them first, then lawnmower them.
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@Iks: That was beautiful.
But honestly, we haven’t had a head coach who knew how to pick the best side since SCW, and that side basically picked itself.
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Doesn’t it have to be true love’s kiss or something similar to have an effect?
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Craigs, randomly snogging any old frog isn’t going to work, you’ve got to really mean it.
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I heard there was a frog once that could sing beautifully. Each night she sat on her lilypad and sang arias into the night sky.
Her dream was to make the stars listen to her by singing the highest note ever. Eventually she reached C8, but nothing happened. So she had the idea that she must get as close to the stars as possible for them to hear her.
So when she reached her highest octave she hopped up with all her might. Sadly the strain in her throat combined with the pressure of gravity, and her head tore off and flew into the night sky.
But the stars moved to make a space for her tiny head, and they still gather in constellations to listen to her sing at night.
Her body fell into CMW’s garden.
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I’m full of true love.
There’s a canal near us that has loads of Hungarian Frogs in it. As you walk along it you can hear a slow ‘haaaa haaaa haaaa haaa’ which is quite unnerving.
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Everyone nipped off to rediscover Macca’s discography?
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Been furra swim.
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Tuilagi oot.
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JJ is a perfectly decent replacement
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England by 48
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‘From 86 carries England’s forwards made 79 metres – less than a metre per carry’
that’s a good 2 or 3 Robshaws per carry if I remember my conversion correctly
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According to various reports I’ve read, Eddie’s arrogance has lost the changing room, Faz is a psychlogically broken man, with no Billy or Manu England have no bosh factor…… a far cry from coming within one game of winning the WC.
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Ireland, Ireland, together standing tall:
Ireland – 15 Jordan Larmour, 14 Andrew Conway, 13 Robbie Henshaw, 12 Bundee Aki, 11 Jacob Stockdale, 10 Jonathan Sexton (c), 9 Conor Murray, 8 CJ Stander, 7 Josh van der Flier, 6 Peter O’Mahony, 5 James Ryan, 4 Iain Henderson, 3 Tadhg Furlong, 2 Rob Herring, 1 Cian Healy.
Subs: 16 Ronan Kelleher, 17 Dave Kilcoyne, 18 Andrew Porter, 19 Devin Toner, 20 Max Deegan, 21 John Cooney, 22 Ross Byrne, 23 Keith Earls.
POM and Henshaw in for Doris and Ringrose.
Deegs on the bench along with the King of the Wings (Munster Branch).
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Shoulda started Cooney
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Wales by 8
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could easily be the other way around.
Difficult to get a reading on Wales as Italy looked bad. Was it ‘cos Wales were really good or were Italy just really that bad.
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World Champs South Africa beat Italy 49-3, but Italy had a man sent off with the score at 17-3. South Africa beat Japan by 20 points. In turn, Japan had defeated Ireland. Basic rules of playground prognostications point to only one winner.
Plus, we’ve got the great Nick Tompkins.
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Since he wasn’t named in the leaks am not sure he can be accused of that.
I think he spent a lot of time on the training field practising how to catch a rugby ball rather than running a small business, unlike a certain other Saracens who played centre at the weekend.
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Good news for Eddie Jones – England getting a kicking in the ODI in Cape Town.
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No smoke without fire etc etc.
If Wales win the 6 Nations the title will be forever tainted etc etc.
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Tompkins clearly took the moral high ground. Once the truth came out he pledged to Wales, and now yearns for the Welsh Regional call.
As he whispered to his roommate Josh after lights out on the eve of the Italy match, ‘I feel clean! My whole body is a’quiver with cleanness!’ Josh could only murmur ‘I know how you feel’.
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Spotted this earlier. Wish Cat was here – he would have been all over this….
https://www.theguardian.com/film/2020/feb/04/danny-trejo-christopher-lee-most-killed-actor
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When he was in playful mood, the Cat used to call me Tompkins. It was his little joke, but it’s as if he knew.
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Liambility knacked till round 4.
No other injuries to report so I expect the same starting team and bench. I would be inclined though to play Watkin or Tompkin(s) at OC and put Georgie back on the wing, Welsh Johnny Mac on the pine.
If Pivac follows my advice then a win is possible, if not he has only his self to blame.
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Will be going well down in Llanelli next season, by all accounts.
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*Kimchee News*
Used to go to a small Thai / Asian restaurant years ago run by a guy called Phan and his wife Wa. It closed but they took over a small shop next to a hotel, and sold Asian food supplies and tacky knick-knacks.
Last week there was a handwritten sign in the window saying ‘Home-made Kimchee is once more in stock’. So I popped in and spoke to Wa, who said the Kimchee was made by here brother-in-law. Bought an 04-litre pot for 5 Euros, which made me wince.
Christ it’s tasty and addictive.
*Kimchee News*
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*Locksmith news*
They earn more per minute than Cristiano Ronaldo.
*Locksmith news*
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In 1962 John Kennedy says that
7 years later America gets to the moon.
Now the fuckers can’t even count.
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They’re going to take us back to the moon again, though. And that’s what counts.
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Mock the Space Force at your peril.
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@Iks – “No other injuries to report so I expect the same starting team and bench.”
Would think that Gareth Davies and Dee might well make the bench as they’re now apparently fit. Agree that playing a centre at centre is probably the way forward.
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“Her body fell into CMW’s garden.”
Well I can verify this bit and the rest sounds more like the truth than anything else.
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