2020 dawns with the Springboks as World Champions, Rugby Championship Champions and Ranked Number One in the World! Why do I mention this you ask? Does it have any bearing on the likely fortunes of the teams? No. Not at all. But I’m gonna keep my bragging rights as long as I can, until, as Mick Jones growled, I go straight to hell, boy.
The Bulls:
After a surprisingly promising season last year when the Bulls played some decent rugby, they’ve been hammered with 18 players leaving. This includes their entire second-row stock of RG Snyman, Lood de Jager, Jason Jenkins and Hendré Stassen, Duane Vermeulen, another 4 backrowers, Handre Pollard, Jessie Kriel and the promising Duncan Matthews in the backs. Recruits? Juandre Kruger and Morne Steyn. Cough. They are, however, the only side in SA with a coach who has previous experience at this level.
Lots of grunt up front with Boks Trevor Nyakane and promising Lizo Gqoboka anchoring, but the rest of the pack has an almost journeyman quality to it. Behind them, two fringe Boks in Embrose Papier and Ivan van Zyl will be providing the service to one of past it Morne Steyn or hugely promising Manie Libbok (please not Marnitz Boshoff) with plenty of enterprise outside of that in 7z Boks Dylan Sage (centre, injured), Stedman Gans and Rosko Specman, as well as possible future Bok Burger Odendaal and the stalled Warrick Gelant.
Expect lots of huff and puff, the odd bit of absolute magic from Specman, and a string of defeats – starting with two away derbies in SA to the much-fancied Sharks and Stormers. They have two byes to follow (including the Blues), then two more home matches followed by a month in Australasia. It’s a bridge too far.
Clash Song for the season: ‘Lost in the Supermarket’ – they’ve been lousy at shopping and given away some bargains, struggling to deal with an increasingly commercialised world and rampant consumerism (thanks Wiki).
Position in SA Conference: Fighting for fourth with the Lions.
Overall: Trying to stay above the Sunwolves, Lions and assorted Aussie sides (and Blues).
The Lions:
Three times the bridesmaid, never the bride – and now in freefall as a combination of virtually the entire pack from the halcyon days of 2016 to 2018 having left or retired through injury leaving the Lions shattered. Particularly galling is the loss of Malcolm Marx, the only remaining world class forward, but Whiteley being perma-crocked and Kwagga Smith off to Japan has left both a skill and leadership void. Add in the departure of some fine backs in Faf de Klerk, Rohan Janse van Rensburg, Ruan Combrink, Lionel Mapoe, Madosh Tambwe, Howard Mnisi and Aphiwe Dyanti (still protesting his innocence over a drug bust) and the Lions are a shell of their former selves. A total loss of 17 players is scary.
In come old hands Jannie du Plessis and Willem Alberts to give a bit of nous and grunt to the pack, along with perma-crocked Jaco Kriel (out until April!), promising Bulls discards Roelof Smit and Duncan Matthews (as well as mercurial Jamba Ulengo) and Stormers reject Dan Kriel.
Not promising and it showed in their battering in Buenos Aires in Round 1. A Bok halfback pairing that isn’t much cop behind a pack coming second and a callow back division, the Lions do have some promising youngsters in the engine room – Carlu Sadie and Sti Sithole in particular, whilst if fit and firing, the like of Hacjivah Dayimani, Marnus Schoeman, Roelof Smit, and Alberts could cause defences some problems on the ground and in close quarters from the loose trio berths.
This is definitely a rebuilding season and the Reds will fancy a win this weekend at Ellis Park. The Stormers visit next, whereafter the Lions head down south for four weeks – the only saving grace being a relatively kind fixture list. A couple of heroic smash and grab wins won’t mask the Herculean task facing the heroes of southern hemisphere rugby as they struggle through the rubble of past glories.
Clash Song for the season: Ghetto Defendant – (misrepresenting the meaning, but that’s tough shit): The ghetto prince of gutter poets; Was bounced out of the room; By the bodyguards of greed; For disturbing the tomb.
Position in SA Conference: Fighting for fourth with the Bulls.
Overall: Trying to stay above the Sunwolves, Bulls and assorted Aussie sides (and Blues).
The Sharks:
Like the Bulls and Lions, they’ve lost a lot of players in the last few months – the Du Preez trio, Beast, Coenie Oosthuizen, Armand van der Merwe, Ruan Botha, Jacques Vermeulen and a few others. But they’ve got a couple of very good players in, too: Ox Nche and Henco Venter from the Cheetahs, and James Venter and Madosh Tambwe from the Lions. They (like all the SA sides bar the Bulls) have a newbie coach at this level, but have a good matchday 23 to call on, with a good front row and a back division that won’t stand back for many, with Curwin Bosch, Lukanyo Am, Makezoli Mapimpi, Sbu Nkosi, Madosh Tambwe, Andre Esterhuizen, Aphelele Fassi, Louis Schreuder and new sensational 9 Sanele Nohamba giving them options all over the park. But they may be a bit callow in the 2nd row and loose trio, given all the defections and over the course of the season and will be sorely tested up front, as well as when the benches are emptied.
Following a routine (and typically SA-boshtastic) win over the Bulls in Round 1, the Sharks head on tour early this – and they’re one SA side that seems to genuinely tour well (okish, more accurately). They open against the Highlanders, who will be a bit rusty after a bye in Round 1, and don’t have the worst itinerary, with matches against the Canes, Rebels and Reds to follow. Not too bad. The tour could decide their fate, so it’s imperative to get a couple of wins at least out of it. Do that, and they could really gel as a unit, but have the Crusaders as their last regular season match and it could be down to that to make it to play-offs.
The Sharks will score some scintillating tries this year and hopefully Bosch really shines at 10 now that The Family have all buggered off. But there’s a lingering feeling that up front they’ll be found wanting.
Clash Song for the season: Rock the Casbah – Coach Everitt is raw at this level, but he can sure call on some jet fighters in the back division to rock the casbah. Kings Park will rock to some stunning tries.
Position in SA Conference: Probably 3rd, but possibly 2nd in a dogfight with the Stormers and Jaguares.
Overall: Playoffs are not beyond them – expect an away QF for the ‘Banana Boys’.
The Stormers:
For the first time in this scribe’s (cough) history, he believes the Stormers are the real deal to go deep into the play-offs. They have a core of World Cup winning Boks to call on, including skipper Siya Kolisi, World Player of the year Pieter Steph du Toit, Steven Kitshoff, Bongi Mbonambi and Frans Malherbe in the front row, magical 9 Herschel Jantjies and 10 Damian Willemse. The Magnificent Seven form the core of a side that has Boks Wilco Louw and Scarra Ntubeni also bolstering the front row, with a glittering array of junior and age group Boks throughout the side, including the looming presence of Cobus Wiese (his breakout season?) and new sensation Jaco Coetzee (being billed as the next Schalk Burger). Plenty more promising stars up front too. Major losses include Eben Etzebeth and Damian De Allende.
The back division will rely on the services of Jantjies and Willemse to get them going and with the likes of Seabelo Senatla, Seargal Petersen, Leolin Zas, Dillyn Leyds and Jamie Roberts (um, yes, that one), they have plenty of gas and experience in the back division – even if it is a little callow once the bench is emptied (and injuries take their toll).
A thumping first round win, nilling the Canes at Newlands sets them up for the old North-South derby against the Bulls, followed by a trip to Jo’burg which shouldn’t hold too many fears for this side. The Jaguares and Blues at home is followed by a bye and the Sharks away – a very nice start to the season. The travel leg is a potential bastard with the Chiefs, Crusaders and Brumbies lying in wait on consecutive weekends towards the end of the regular season, but the Stormers should, by then, be relatively comfortable in the SA standings.
Clash Song for the season: The Magnificent Seven – when last did a SA coach have half a Bok World Cup winning side to call on? Knuckle merchants and your bankers too; Must get up and learn those rules; Hong Kong dollar, Indian cents; English pounds and Eskimo pence won’t stop this gnarly mob in the SA conference.
Position in SA Conference: Duking it out with the Jaguares for 1st.
Overall: Top the SA conference and it’s all the way to the Final, finish 2nd and probably an away semi loss.
The Jaguares:
To be honest, your humble narrator knows less about this mob than any of the other sides, if that’s possible given the evidence above. Suffice it to say, they’re pretty close to a full-strength Pumas side, bar a couple of blokes sunning themselves in balmy Leicester (or wherever).
Dished out a 2nd half hiding to the Lions in Round 1, but that means little given the quality of the opposition. A kind start though, with the dismantled Canes up next followed by the Reds (both at home), before they start the first journey: Stormers, Bulls and Sharks away. April will test their mettle, with away matches to the Brumbies, (Blues) and Crusaders, which will show if they’re as good as last years’ beaten finalists.
Clash Song for the season: Sandanista! – so an album, not a song. Obviously picked it ‘cause they’re Latin American and it’s close to Nicaragua right? Bugger off! It, like the 36 tracks on Sandanista!, is a homage to the massive travel schedule that the blokes from Buenos Aires face every year.
Position in SA Conference: Duking it out with the Stormers for 1st. Overall: Finalists again? Possibly – but more likely a last four loss. Just because.
Predictions courtesy of Deebee7
Further Reading
Deebee7 on why France v England was a good match
Utnapistm’s predictions for the weekend
On the telly this week
Friday 7th February
| Highlanders 20 – 42 Sharks | 06:05 | Sky Sports Action |
| Brumbies 39 – 26 Rebels | 08:15 | Sky Sports Action |
| Ireland U20 36 – 22 Wales U20 | 19:15 | BBC Two Wales / BBC Sport website / Red button / RTÉ Two |
| Scotland U20 17 – 21 England U20 | 19:15 | SRU website |
| Sale 28 – 7 Saracens | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
| France U20 31 – 19 Italy U20 | 20:00 | YouTube |
Saturday 8th February
| Chiefs 25 – 15 Crusaders | 06:05 | Sky Sports Action |
| Waratahs 12 – 32 Blues | 08:15 | Sky Sports Action |
| Lions 27 – 20 Reds | 13:05 | Sky Sports Action |
| Ireland 24 – 14 Wales | 14:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Stormers 13 – 0 Blues | 15:15 | Sky Sports Action |
| Scotland 6 – 13 England | 16:45 | BBC One / BBC sport website |
| France 45 – 10 Italy (women) | 20:00 | BBC Red Button / YouTube |
| Los Jaguares 23 – 26 Hurricanes | 23:00 | Sky Sports Action |
Sunday 9th February
| Scotland 0 – 53 England (women) | 12:10 | Sky Sports Action / BBC Alba |
| Ireland 31 – 12 Wales (women) | 13:00 | BBC Sport website / S4C / RTÉ Two |
| France 35 – 22 Italy | 15:00 | BBC One / BBC Sport website |
Ovally Balls 
This Crowley cherub is something.
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Scottish power drives them over from a line out.
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Tomp that’s an obscene amount of corporate influence.
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Scotland lineout in the other corner to the one they were attacking previously. They drive over to demonstrate that they rent gym equipment.
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10-7 now to the “plucky”* Scots.
* Word of the Scottish commentator.
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CMW – you can always lock the kids in the shed and enjoy the rugby without interruption.
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I’ll be out to watch the match, but will have to stay sensible for later on. If I lock them in the shed and go out I will end up getting arrested.
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TomP – ‘plucky’ – oh dear.
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CMW – only if someone finds out.
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Injury stoppage now, but have noticed that it’s tricky posting during these games as generally they get on with the set pieces a lot quicker.
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I don’t recall us having a dominant scrum over England at this level before
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Wales get a try.
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Not the best kick there from the Scotland 9.
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31-7 at HT.
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” only if someone finds out”
I’ll end up admitting to it on here.
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Names to try to remember:
2 – Tom Stewart
10 – Jack Crowley
11 – Andrew Smith
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Availability of fried foods giving ballast?
/snark
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CMW – aye, but we’d all think you were joking. Plus we don’t know your real name, or where you live. You’re safe enough, as long as you’ve intimidated your kids properly. I’d never have dared report my parents to social services.
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But if any of you are Network Rail maintenance engineers who haven’t had your crossings upgraded in the last twenty years or so then you know where I work.
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That Tomkins has got little baby eyes.
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CMW – pah, it would take Poirot to work that out. My experience of the polis is that they aren’t that interested.
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Plus it’s character-building for the kids.
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Tom Stewart and Andrew Smith would be pretty good entrants in a least memorable names you could be asked to remember competition.
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It’s all part of Ireland’s secret plan to dominate the world by stealth. Leo Varadkar out, Mary McDonald in (she’s dropping the Lou as too noticeable).
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More the stuff of your police procedural than your classic English detective story. If we’re sticking with French speakers then Maigret would get me before Poirot.
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True, true, but how procedural do the police get these days, outside of fiction?
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Penalty try to Wales, and a flurry of handbags.
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Apparently Jack Crowley is a Cork lad, so presumably we can expect him to be Munster’s next fly-half, before he replaces Sexton as Ireland’s.
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Cark
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Penalty try for the Feisty Thistles.
Yellow card for England.
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Scottish forwards trying to drive a lineout into the bar, but the ref takes them under the posts for the penalty try instead.
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Apparently Jack Crowley is a Cork lad, so presumably we can expect him to be Munster’s next back-up fly-half to whoever Leinster are forced to offload.
Sexton’s never retiring.
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Tom Stewart, the hooker, is an Ulsterman, and Andrew Smith is a Leinsterman, although his family are from the Wesht.
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@Larry – will you not go back to the ark?
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Nice to see us mauling and scrumming England
Still too wasteful, very much in the balance this
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TomP – Sexton’s crocked. Can’t see him lasting much longer (ie more than a couple of years at most).
This is due to the evilness of other countries’ players targeting half-backs.
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Ireland leave a huuuuge gap, and Wales are in for their third.
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Jocksprogs with more pressure but nae points
Classic Scotland
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Ulster scrum-half* is MotM. He’s just gone off injured.
*Lewis Finlay, apparently.
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Cutting edge from England.
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And England go up the other end and score
*sigh*
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England replacement prop so obviously in at the side before Conor Doherty puts England ahead.
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Chimpie – I’ve only watched the last 20 minutes, so it might not be what’s ahppened in the rest of the game, but for all bar the last 30 seconds of that time, England have been poor. Kicks straight out, overthrown lineouts, taking down mauls. They haven’t exactly pummelled us.
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FT: 36-22.
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Thaum, Crowley’s from Bandon and played at the Grammar (private) school. Many of my West Cork relatives went there and 30 (fuck me) years ago it was a rubbish rugby school. Nothing going on. 2 sort of cousins of mine – Mother’s 2nd cousin but same age as me – are big fans and played but BGS was nowhere in Munster Schools Cup and doubt they played CBC or PBC 1sts ever without getting 70 or 80 put on them.
Then a few years ago their results picked up. Then they brought a French bloke called Regis Sonnes in. He wasn’t just a French bloke who liked rugby. He’d played for Toulouse in French championship winning teams. He’s played for Brive in the 1998 Heineken Cup Final. He’d coached in Spain and Spain – the national team. When he was approached he was forwards coach at Bourdeaux. After 3 years in Bandon, including overseeing Crowley’s development, he got picked up to be defence coach by Toulouse.
As you can imagine, he’s a pretty interesting character.
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It’s been tight, BB. England a bit more cutting edge
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And getting away with massive cheating obvs
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Wales much better in the second half, and a lot of that had to do with having the wind with them. The first two Irish tries came from silly Welsh kicks against the wind.
Still, reasons to hope from an Irish point of view, and a few good young Welsh players too.
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TomP – thanks for that, but is a grammar school private in the RoI? They’re state schools in the UK, including NI.
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England’s defence (apart from against the maul) was too much for Scotland though they dominated a lot of the game.
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