As usual, the Celts took the up-front hit: Ireland v Wales was cancelled postponed, followed by Treviso v Ulster and Zebre v Ospreys. Then came the news that Mako Vunipola was self-isolating from the England camp, although apparently it’s okay to infect the Saracens camp. (They’re relegated anyway: who cares?) Today’s shocking news is that Italy v England is also sacrificed to Covid-19.
But fear not, rugby fans! There is one person on our side, one person who knows that it’s all a big hoax. A person whose intimate involvement with Scottish golf courses has led to a love of rugby, inspired by Gavin Hastings.
“I think the 3.4% [death rate] is really a false number.
“Now, this is just my hunch, based on a lot of conversations with a lot of people that do this, because a lot of people will have this, and it’s very mild – they’ll get better very rapidly, they don’t even see a doctor, they don’t even call a doctor.
“You never hear about those people, so you can’t put them down in the category of the overall population, in terms of this corona flu, and/or virus. So you just can’t do that. So there is no reason for Six Nations matches to be deep-sixed. DBWR are just a bunch of wimps.”
This is of course very comforting, as everyone knows that Donald Trump’s hunches are enormously more accurate than the wild speculations of the World Health Organisation. While it’s true that a vast number of Americans won’t even call a doctor because they can’t afford to, deathly ill or not, the POTUS’s clarion call to laugh and snap our fingers at what the so-called experts are openly referring to as a pandemic will save our Six Nations and Pro-Woo.
The President is being undermined by snivelling lefties who are rejoicing at the thought of millions of people dying, economic Armageddon being unleashed, and – more importantly – rugby matches being cancelled, just to criticise The Donald. As the Guardian (itself a very dubious source) reports:
Peter Hegseth, a co-host of Fox & Friends Weekends, admonished Democrats’ criticism, saying: “They’re rooting for the coronavirus to spread. They’re rooting for it to grow. They’re rooting for the problem to get worse.”
“They’re probably jumping for joy,” Fox & Friends co-host Ainsley Earhardt said about the Democrats’ reaction to Six Nations matches being cancelled.
OvallyBalls can also reveal that Donald Trump is behind Vunipola’s decision to train with the Saracens:
“If we have thousands or hundreds of thousands of people that get better, just by, you know, sitting around and even going to work, some of them go to work, but they get better, and then when you do have a death, like you’ve had in the state of Washington, like you had one in California, I believe you had one in New York.”
While it turns out that no-one has yet died from coronavirus in New York (it’s only Trump’s home state, so why should he know?), the President’s message is clear: Get to work, you slackers, and you will be healed. Front up to the scrummage. Un-cancel the rugby matches. Work makes you free of coronavirus. Unless you’re dead.
Televisual rugby feasts not cancelled as yet:
Friday 6th March
| Sunwolves 14 – 47 Brumbies | 03:45 | Sky Sports Mix |
| Crusaders 24 – 20 Reds | 06:05 | Sky Sports Action |
| Waratahs 14 – 51 Chiefs | 08:15 | Sky Sports Action |
| Dragons 25 – 37 Treviso (really?) | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
| England 22 – 23 Wales U20s | 19:45 | BT Sport Action |
| Worcester 10 – 16 Saints | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 7th March
| Hurricanes 15 – 24 Blues | 06:0t | Sky Sports Action |
| Rebels 37 – 17 Lions | 08:15 | Sky Sports Action |
| England 66 – 7 Wales (women) | 12:05 | S4C / Sky Sports Action |
| Sharks v Los Jaguares | 13:05 | Sky Sports Arena |
| Bulls v Highlanders | 15:15 | Sky Sports Arena |
| England v Wales | 16:45 | ITV / S4C |
| Scotland v France (women) | 19:45 | BBC Alba / website/ button |
Sunday 8th March
| Bristol v Harlequins | 13:00 | BT Sport 1 |
| Scotland v France | 15:00 | BBC One / website / button |
Ovally Balls 
No bagel for the offender obviously.
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How long have Scotland had a dicey lineout for? Seems like something that should be sorted
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Very poor by Ntamack. Thinking a move or two ahead when he should have been thinking about catching the ball.
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Oops boy looks knacked. No malice intended.
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Jalibert going for a Bieber look.
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Hope Hastings’ kicking is better than last time.
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At least we won’t be nilled
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Big test of France as worthy grand-slammers now.
Mood and energy of the game is flowing against them. Have they got the character to absorb it and sort it?
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Great scrum.
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3-0 probably right.
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Scotland got away with one there. Looked a knock on and offside when they had to chase back.
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3-0’s exactly right, Deebee.
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Should be 50 – 0 to Scotland if you ask me
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Schtuffed.
Is there a match on?
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Scotland cant lose to hair like that at 10.
Such a downgrade after the injury
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(Hamish Watson’s hair, Dov)
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Ntamak not coming back.
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Tomp. Fair point, well made.
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French defensive line looking very obviously offside, both close to the ruck and out wide.
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Fancy some bagels
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Nice kick.
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France rattled. Scotland by a country mile. 3 to 5.
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Scotland’s alignment and passing isn’t great. A shame as there’s space out there.
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CMW.
They do
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Kick taken yards in front of halfway line
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Has he got a brother Jimmy Mak?
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A couple of metres ahead at the restart from France.
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Scotland defense very good
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Hastings stroking them over nicely like a latter-day Micky Gynn.
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Make sure they’ve been boiled.
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Bloody love rugby.
So much better when it’s not your team and stressful though
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Willemse showing his Saffer roots there.
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I know thaum.
Though I ain’t dragging these 3 kids anywhere to get them, especially since I’ve just got baby to sleep.
Had some dutch chips in town earlier and some weird sausage with curry ketchup so I’m just being greedy.
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Seems that French chicken hats have moved on.
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Awful pass from Dupont.
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Dupont’s chucking some shite out. Like a latter-day Ben Youngs.
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Dova – maybe you can get some delivered.
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Mains de sabot
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Gott im himmel! Currywurst!
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France really look rattled now.
I also hope that Ntamack makes a quick and full recovery, but perhaps not by next week.
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Straight lineout now, please Scotland.
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True Dova. Much nicer watching with the emotional feet up.
C’mon Jellybear with the funny hair!
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France 2011-2019 have turned up.
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6-0 about right. That France seem to have pitched up 1st half.
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Hoggy pinged something at that kick?
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Ah piss
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Oh, good try.
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Very good by Marchand.
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First good bit of France play and they score a try. Bugger.
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Do Thauma and Dova want the bagels or the kids boiled? Not immediately clear. Currywurst is delicious. Preferably without kids in it.
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