Once upon a time, there were four children named Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy, and they were all sent away to a big country house in Cornwall at the time of the Great Coronavirus Armageddon. The house was owned by an ancient Scottish professor of rugby (as opposed to an ancient professor of Scottish rugby, who would be even more morose) who had had some adventures in his youth that no-one remembered now.
While he wasn’t that excited about bloody kids running around the place, he welcomed them warmly with some half-cooked pieces of cheese and toast, and told them to explore the house and gardens, and to please keep the noise down, and stay out of the way of the occasional tours that took place in the house.
One day it was pissing it down outside, and they decided to play hide-and-seek inside the house.
Lucy ran around the empty rooms, looking for somewhere to hide. She kept hearing voices in the corridor, and so she went on to another part of the house she hadn’t been in before. She pushed open a cobwebby, creaky old door and found herself in a disused, dusty gym with deflated balls, chipped mouthguards and still-smelly unmentionables scattered about.
“This’ll be a super place to hide,” thought Lucy. “Obviously no-one’s been here for years.” But then she heard voices just outside the door again!
“Ah fuck, I’m going to have to hide in one of these lockers.”
She opened the rustiest-looking locker of all, and pushed her way inside. There were old Lions shirts from tours in olden years, and she pushed through them, trying to get to the back of the locker. The locker seemed to be enormous, and it was getting colder and colder.
Much to her surprise, she suddenly found herself in a snowy woodland. It was dark, but she could see a light ahead, so she walked towards it. It turned out to be a lamp-post.
By the light of the lamp, Lucy could see a strange figure with the torso of a man, the legs of a black cat, and horns on his head. “Hullo!” he said. “Are you a Daughter of Maeve?”
“Well aye, my mum’s name’s Maeve, so it is: how did you know?”
“My name is Mr Iknus. You look cold. Please come to my cave for tea.”
Lucy gratefully accepted his invitation (upon my word, what do they teach them in the schools these days?), and listened to Mr Iknus’ tales of the Land of Narnia, for that was where he said she was, while he prepared the tea and scrumptious toast and tea-cakes. He told her that Narnia had been a lovely land, overflowing with milk and honey and excellent, free-flowing rugby matches, until a White Witch had seized control, made it always winter, released a virus in order to impose a lock-down, and cancelled all the rugby, yea even unto the Lions tour.
“Imagine that: always winter and never rugby.”
Lucy shuddered with horror. It seemed all too real to her.
Mr Iknus suddenly sobbed into his hands.
“Whatever is the matter, dear Mr Iknus?” cried Lucy.
“Ah, Lucy, I am afraid I am a bad person. I have promised the White Witch – for money! – to betray any Daughters of Maeve to her. But I cannot betray such a charming young rugby fan. Hush! I will lead you back to Lamp Post and the Corn Wall.”
Mr Iknus was as good as his word, and they slipped silently and furtively (“The Witch has spies everywhere, you know”) back through the woods to the lamp-post. Lucy could see the locker, and pushed her way back through the Lions shirts into the gym.
“Gosh,” she thought, “I’ve been gone for hours. The others will be worried!”
***
“I’m back!” cried Lucy, after she leapt back through the locker, and went racing back to find the others.
“What do you mean, you’re back?” said Peter. “You’ve only been hiding for ten minutes.”
“But I’ve been away for hours and hours, and I found Narnia, and heard all about their Narnian Lions, and Mr Iknus, and….”
“Now, now, Lucy,” said Susan, “You mustn’t make up stories because you got bored.”
Lucy stamped her foot. “But it’s all true, I tell you! I’ll show you!”
“Nah, that’s all right, ta,” sneered Edmund.
Lucy burst into tears. “Well, sod the lot of you rotters; I’m going back to see Mr Iknus, who’s nicer than any of you”, she sobbed, before flouncing off.
Edmund looked shifty and quietly followed her.
Lucy made her way back to the locker, pushed her way through the Lions shirts, and found the lamp-post. There was no Mr Iknus to be seen, but she made her way towards his cave.
***
Edmund had watched Lucy go into the locker and not emerge again. After waiting a few minutes, he decided to investigate.
Much to his surprise, he suddenly found his footfalls crunching on snow, and found himself in Narnia.
“Gosh! I say, Lucy was telling the truth after all! There’s the lamp-post.”
Edmund didn’t see anybody, and started trudging through the snow, feeling a bit sulky that he hadn’t had a warm welcome like Lucy. Suddenly he heard a majestic swooshing sound and, thinking it was a clever long off-load, turned around to catch the ball. The noise turned out to be a magnificent springbok-drawn sleigh bearing an icy-looking woman and some minions.
“Halt!” cried the woman. “What have we here? A Son of George?”
Amazed by the woman’s intuition, yet intimidated, Edmund stammered that he was indeed a son of George. The woman looked at him fiercely, then suddenly changed her manner.
“Poor lad, you look frozen. I am the Queen of Narnia. Please step into my carriage, and I will give you sustenance. Do you like Turkish Delight?”
As it happened, being a thoroughly repulsive character, Edmund did like Turkish Delight. He stepped into the sleigh, and was given a warm fur – yes, real fur – to wrap around himself, and as much Turkish Delight as he could swallow, as well as a lovely drink. The Ice-woman now seemed much more like a beautiful Queen-woman, the most delightful person he’d ever met, and he eagerly attempted to answer all her many questions.
After having covered the basics of Edmund being pro-Brexit and a Saracens fan, she asked him about his associations in the land of Corn Wall. She was particularly interested in the fact that there were four children bonded together, and that they were all rugby fans. She exhorted him to bring them all to visit her, and promised more Turkish Delight if he should oblige – because unfortunately she had run out of the stuff at the mo.
Greedy for more, and feeling all-powerful, Edmund stepped out of the sleigh and made his way to the lamp-post, where he encountered a radiant Lucy.
“Oh, Edmund, so you’ve found Narnia too! I’m so glad someone will believe me now.
“I’ve seen Mr Iknus, and he’s told me that the White Witch, who claims to be Queen, but really isn’t, hasn’t found him out so far. She really is a dreadful woman who hates rugby.”
Edmund said nothing, but followed Lucy back through the locker.
Ovally Balls 
Astounding words.
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Lovely stuff Thaum – though that Mr Iknus sounds shifty…
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Good to see the DCI hasn’t lost the knack..
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Went furra food shop this morning. Lots of doing the ‘social distancing dance’ down the aisles.
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Was the queen so bad really? Who doesn’t love a bit of winter, turning the odd person / talking animal to stone is a small price to pay shirley.
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She was just turning over the shocking social apartheid and oppression of the poor non-talking animals.
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Only a man with the class of the DCI could get away with rhyming ‘necessities’ with ‘exercise’.
Bravo.
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This is taking me back…..
Watched most of the things mentioned at one time or another.
https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2020/mar/27/what-im-really-watching-monkees-thunderbirds-and-kids-tv-of-the-70s
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@BB
Yeah, I recall most of these too – best of all was the Flashing blade ….. you’ve got to fight for you want…..
(see – that’ll be in your head all day now…)
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Was in my head already Trisk! Along with the Double Deckers theme, the White Horses theme, Robinson Crusoe, Banana Splits and so on.
Loved the Flashing Blade but never seemed to get to the end of it.
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Mind you, I’m on Number 37 of my Albums I Should Have Listened To But Never Got Round To It series.
Today it’s Sandisita! by The Clash.
Wish I hadn’t bothered….
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Maybe if I’d listened to Sandinista! instead.
Nope, still rubbish. A TRIPLE album, mind. Almost Prog-like.
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At least this WFH thing is giving a bit of time for trying some new music while I work. In between wrangling kidz etc. anyhoo.
Could do with some recommendations though.
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BoJo gets coronavirus.
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@bb
I came across this album recently. Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons did one album on the Motown label and it’s brilliant: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chameleon_(The_Four_Seasons_album)
Apparently it tanked commercially so is a bit of a hidden gem
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Thanks OT, I’ve added that to my Spotify list.
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Wasn’t that because the last episode was lost – so you never find out if the Chevalier de Recci (Robert Etcheverry) gets off with Isobel (Genevieve Castile)
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Might also have been because we had to go back to school before the end of it (it was shown to fit with the English school holidays – we went back in mid-August).
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@bb
Another Frankie Valli one I learned about recently, but have never listened to, is The Genuine Imitation Life Gazette. Apparently it is quite proggy and psychadelic, which was a bit of a surprise for a Four Seasons album but might be up your street!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Genuine_Imitation_Life_Gazette
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‘Coronavirus: Alcohol is ‘unhelpful coping strategy’ for lockdown, WHO says’
Just blow my strategy to hell why not. Stupid WHO.
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Rugby…
Has anyone read Meagher’s article on players rebelling against 25% pay cuts?
The first version featured a photo of Jack Nowell: Exeter have agreed already not to reduce wages for the time-being……………………………..great research (not) but it is changed now.
Just another example of poor/rushed article writing by the Graun’s team.
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Nice article about Ben Moon signing contract extension for Exeter and interview words with Baxter:
https://www.exeterchiefs.co.uk/news/moon-will-continue-to-shine-baxter
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The more I hear from Baxter, the more I’m impressed. Just wish he’d stop pinching Glasgow players though….
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I think he is a club rather than national manager/coach…………………
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Scotland:
“Nicola Sturgeon has announced the highest number of daily deaths from coronavirus in Scotland since the pandemic began – 8 people died in the past 24 hours, taking the total deaths to 33. There are now 1059 testing positive for the virus, although the first minister reminded reporters that this is likely to be a significant underestimate.”
“Scotland’s chief medical officer Catherine Calderwood said that she now estimates 65,000 people in Scotland now have the virus today, an increase of 15,000 from yesterday. She said that rates would not be decreasing “for some weeks to come”.”
WOW.
From the Graun’s coronavirus blog – Libby Brooks.
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Apparently Cummings was seen nipping oot the back door when BoJo announced he had Covid-19.
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BB – yep
And Hancock also has it.
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Herd immunity, thaum.
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Reckon most places have massively underestimated the no. of cases. Absence of testing innit.
Was speaking to a colleague yesterday who has likely had it although not tested. Sounds pretty horrific.
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65000 is more than 1% of the population up here. Big numbers we’re talking.
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@Chimpie – I’ve got a strategic problem too in that Mrs CMW seems intent on doing the shopping rather than letting me do it which is inevitably going to lead to incorrect or insufficient alcohol purchasing. She’ll also get wrong with the girls as she never gets any puddings.
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Chimpie,
Do you like Latin music? Bomba Estereo are a terrific band from Colombia. I’ve also got a soft spot for the Mexican Institute of Sound.
Scotland’s own Sound of Yell’s new disc is a winner.
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Got told off this morning for getting the wrong stuff at the shop. Didn’t even buy any booze either.
Furthermore she’s having a G&T break this arvo with some friends but apparently I’m not allowed any as I’m working still.
It’s an outrage, frankly.
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Some more good news: https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2020/mar/27/coronavirus-uk-lockdown-big-drop-air-pollution
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@TomP
I’ll listen to just about anything. will give them a shot. Cheers
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I’m also faced with a ‘shops that sell the tobacco I smoke don’t sell any food we really need’ shaped issue. Need to force the kids to eat a loaf and a half of crap sliced bread and accidentally spill the eight pints of milk that were delivered this morning down the drain to get the chance to go.
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What I do have is a pair of letters, one from my employer and one from Network Rail that supposedly entitle me to be oot and aboot and which I am to present to the police if stopped. Marvellous.
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glad glass gag had hahaha gal hal gaf hah haha gaga glad hala hal hasha shash gl.
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Some bad news, thaum.
Dominic Raab is effectively Prime Minister.
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I’d also go large on Robyn Hitchcock’s back catalogue if you don’t know it.
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Me and the Eldest are learning to touch type. I’m winning.
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The eldest said she was “eommomh”. She sees just one key away from glory.
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In a fair and just world that might move her ahead. The required nonsense only involves keys on the same row though and there are no marks for showing off.
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“Furthermore she’s having a G&T break this arvo with some friends but apparently I’m not allowed any as I’m working still. It’s an outrage, frankly.”
If someone doesn’t work the still then there won’t be enough gin for everyone else. #Keyworker.
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TomP – that is a terrifying thought.
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Absolutely brilliant ATL, Chair! Thanks a million for brightening up my first day of lockdown! As it’s being called here.
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Chimpie – I’m going to go out later to get some more beer. And start a regular order (probably daily) for beer from a website.
However, if alcohol isn’t allowed by WHO I hear other drugs are available.
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‘A Los Angeles boy who is believed to be the first teenager in the United States to die from complications due to Covid-19 was denied treatment at an urgent care clinic because he didn’t have health insurance.’
Ugh.
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@craigs
Got sufficient beer for a week or two. Plus gin & wine.
Even had cheese on toast for breakfast.
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I have wine and some whiskey coming tonight. Also half drunk bottles of tequila, moonshine and other liquids I bought on holiday.
Doesn’t quite feel enough though. Could be my brain’s emotional response to risk but I’m going with it.
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