Links to chapters One, Two and Three
Fathers Jiffy and Nige had not only brought rugby balls to celebrate the fading of the Witch’s power. They had other gifts for the children: for Peter, a gumshield embossed with the Narnian Lions’ logo and a sword; for Susan, a bow and quiverful of arrows, and a referee’s whistle that could summon help when desperately needed; and for Lucy, a little oval bottle containing half-time-oranges juice infused with Magic Spray to heal the wounded, and a dagger.
“But despite the warlike nature of your gifts, you girls should not be in the battle,” said Father Jiffy. “Competitions are ugly when women fight.”
“Don’t be so fucking sexist,” said Father Nige.
* * *
Meanwhile, Edmund was having a bad time of it. Instead of being treated like a Maro of the Match and having minions feeding him Turkish Delight while he reclined on a worshipful pundit’s sofa, he was cold and tired and lucky to get some very stale bread and yucky water – mostly just to keep him alive.
Then the Queen ordered him into her sledge to accompany her on her long drive to the Stone Stadium. She didn’t provide him with any furs this time, and he was properly freezing. The journey was very long and very bumpy, and he started to wish that he was back with his friends. The Queen didn’t seem like such a jolly nice person after all.
The bumpiness got worse and worse as it became apparent that the snow was melting. A sledge is not much good without snow. Eventually, the Queen ordered her dwarf to bind Edmund’s hands, and they started to walk.
* * *
The Beavers and Peter, Susan and Lucy continued their journey towards the Stone Stadium, delighting in the signs of spring all around.
At last they reached their destination, which was at the top of a big, raven-infested hill. There was a large stone slab of exactly the measurements of a rugby pitch, and with the proper markings. It looked very old, and had carved writing on it, but in an unrecognisable language.
And there was a pavilion pitched next to it with Narnian Lions flags fluttering in the breeze.
Next to the pavilion stood Paulan with a host of magical creatures around him: sublime tichtheids and looseheids who never caused a scrum reset; hookers who could throw straight; locks who looked like centaurs; a proper 7; and backs who weren’t worried about their hairdos.
Now Paulan looked both cuddly and terrifying at the same time, so there was some debate amongst the beavers and children about who should pluck up the courage to speak to him first. At last, Peter decided it was up to him, and approached Paulan, drawing his sword in salute (we hope literally).
“Paulan – we have come.”
In a deep and solemn voice with a slight Munster accent: “Welcome, son of George and daughters of Maeve. Is there not another son of George?”
“Erm, yes, well, that’s a bit difficult: he threw a strop and went to see the White Witch. I’m afraid I might have wound him up a bit.”
Lucy the absurdly compassionate couldn’t contain herself, and asked, “Is there nothing we can do to save him?” “Hmm. Yes, there is,” replied Paulan in sonorous tones, “but it may be a bit tricky.”
O frabjous rugby onna telly!
Friday 14th August
| Western Force 8 – 28 Waratahs | 10:05 | Sky Sports Action |
| Harlequins 16 – 10 Sale | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
Saturday 15th August
| Highlanders 38 – 21 Hurricanes | 08:05 | Sky Sports Action |
| Reds 19 – 3 Rebels | 10:15 | Sky Sports Action |
| Worcester 15 – 44 Gloucester | 12:30 | BT Sport Extra |
| Exeter 26 – 13 Leicester | 14:00 | Channel 5 / BT Sport 1 |
| Bath 34 – 17 London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Bristol 16 – 12 Saracens | 16:30 | BT Sport 1 |
Sunday 16th August
| Blues v Crusaders | 04:35 | Cancelled |
| Northampton 21 – 34 Wasps | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Fabulous stuff Thauma – love the characters! Just one small note – I scanned the ‘fixtures’ but don’t see any actual rugby teams? Although Sale will apparently have 8 Saffers in the 23. Bloody hell. Not sure Peak Saffacens ever had that.
First!
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Not much chance of blues-Crusaders going ahead now that we have community transmission again.
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So I guess the Crusaders forfeit all their points for failing to turn up. Seems fair.
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Deebs – forgive me – I haven’t finished my coffee yet – but what do you mean, you don’t see any teams?
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Deebee, 8 plus McGuigan, who’s more or less, in the run-on side. None on the bench.
No Rohan Janse v Rensburg but Sam Hill’s pretty solid cover.
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Good stuff, thaum.
I think Deebee’s rightly, if snarkily, alluding to the fact that the Pro14’s not starting for another week,
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Word on the South Manchester streets is the Sale Saffer lads are going to have a big barbecue if they win against Quins. Coenie Oosthuisen’s been down Iceland in Chorlton-cum-Hardy and cleaned out the value burgers in preparation.
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‘So I guess the Crusaders forfeit all their points for failing to turn up. Seems fair.’
Haven’t they won the thing already?
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‘8 plus McGuigan, who’s more or less’
Namibian originally isn’t he? Scotsman now obviously.
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Grew up in Cape Town, Chimpie. So, yeah, like most people down there basically Scottish
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Ah, thanks TomP! Yes, no proper teams yet. ;-)
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Excellent words as usual Thaum.
backs who weren’t worried about their hairdos
The only confirmation needed that this is a fantasy tale.
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Bk – don’t worry, you have Northampton vs Wasps to look forward to. Almost a like for like replacement.
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I think Deebee’s rightly, if snarkily, alluding to the fact that the Pro14’s not starting for another week,
Not what I was ACTUALLY referring to, but at least ProWoo! had some SA sides for a brief, but beautiful, time.
Pity about the Crusaders-Blues being canned, but on the bright side it robs Coddfish of an opportunity to close the gap at the very, very top of ‘Bru.
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I can’t see the name McGuigan and not think of this
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The great Michael Redmond in there.
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Stewart Lee fans will understand this
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Tahs managing to lose to the Force so far. But have a penalty in front of the posts. It’s over and they’re 6-5 up after 20 minutes.
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Force have a very decent crown in attendance too!
No, it’s the benches apparently. Same sized crowd as pre-Covid.
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Crowd, you clot.
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Beautiful threaded pass by the Tahs 12 – straight between 13 and 11 to get it into touch.
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Sigh. The booze ban here has made me realise what it’s like being an Aussie Super rugby supporter. Heineken Zero is in a beer bottle, it’s got a beer label, but try as you might, it’s just not actual beer.
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Force with a penalty to go 8-6 up. Perth goes indifferent.
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Wait. I only just noticed that the Farce have been allowed to rejoin humanity. What have they been doing in the mean time?
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Being Australian?
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Narrows it down.
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Somewhere along the line I missed a penalty, but the Tahs also scored and converted a try and are 16-9 up in Perth just before the break.
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23-8 to the Tahs. They didn’t wait for me before starting the 2nd half. Probably – correctly – assumed I’d switched to the cricket.
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Global Rapid Rugby.
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Try time Tahs! Neat dink over the top into space, offload and a score in the corner. Was the receiver in front of the kicker? Very tight. Yes. Penalty Force on halfway.
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No touch and the ball is smashed back past where the penalty was taken from! All a bit scrappy and I’ve lost the will to type any more.
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Harry Johnson-Holmes flops over the line and it’s 28-8 to the Tahs. TIme up, pressing for the bonus point? All over.
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Tomp – to be fair to him A levels were sooooo much harder in his day anyway.
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Well there we go, If you haven’t made it to the lords in spite of crap school results it’s your own fault for being lazy.
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It’s such a cluster fuck. Why couldn’t they just delay the exams to when the restrictions eased? Shirley that would be possible.
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Apparently it’s Gavin Williamson’s fault.
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@craigs
I was also entirely possible to find some way of getting them to sit their exams. Some imperfect way of doing that has to be better than some bloody algorithm.
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On a lighter note my folks are currently in France driving back from Spain. When they get back they will be in ultra-lockdown Oldham.
If you knew my Dad you’d understand why I find this quite funny.
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Bristol. Woof!
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Looks weak
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OT – maybe this is the beginning of humanity’s surrender to the algorithms. Like I Robot but more boring.
Algorithms told to have a bbq tonight.
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Dripping in Sauce?
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As far as I can see, it’d be almost impossible for someone to get an A* if no one in the school had achieved that in the previous 4 years. Nonsense system.
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Chimpie – pervert
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I’m not the one covering Brizzle players in sauce
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That is a most perplexing description
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Saucy….
https://www.outdoorlife.com/blogs/cast-iron-chef/super-simple-recipe-pulled-bbq-bear/
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