The Lions, the Witch and the Locker: Chapter Four

Links to chapters One, Two and Three

Fathers Jiffy and Nige had not only brought rugby balls to celebrate the fading of the Witch’s power. They had other gifts for the children: for Peter, a gumshield embossed with the Narnian Lions’ logo and a sword; for Susan, a bow and quiverful of arrows, and a referee’s whistle that could summon help when desperately needed; and for Lucy, a little oval bottle containing half-time-oranges juice infused with Magic Spray to heal the wounded, and a dagger.

“But despite the warlike nature of your gifts, you girls should not be in the battle,” said Father Jiffy. “Competitions are ugly when women fight.”

“Don’t be so fucking sexist,” said Father Nige.

* * *

Meanwhile, Edmund was having a bad time of it. Instead of being treated like a Maro of the Match and having minions feeding him Turkish Delight while he reclined on a worshipful pundit’s sofa, he was cold and tired and lucky to get some very stale bread and yucky water – mostly just to keep him alive.

Then the Queen ordered him into her sledge to accompany her on her long drive to the Stone Stadium. She didn’t provide him with any furs this time, and he was properly freezing. The journey was very long and very bumpy, and he started to wish that he was back with his friends. The Queen didn’t seem like such a jolly nice person after all.

The bumpiness got worse and worse as it became apparent that the snow was melting. A sledge is not much good without snow. Eventually, the Queen ordered her dwarf to bind Edmund’s hands, and they started to walk.

* * *

The Beavers and Peter, Susan and Lucy continued their journey towards the Stone Stadium, delighting in the signs of spring all around.

At last they reached their destination, which was at the top of a big, raven-infested hill. There was a large stone slab of exactly the measurements of a rugby pitch, and with the proper markings. It looked very old, and had carved writing on it, but in an unrecognisable language.

And there was a pavilion pitched next to it with Narnian Lions flags fluttering in the breeze.

Next to the pavilion stood Paulan with a host of magical creatures around him: sublime tichtheids and looseheids who never caused a scrum reset; hookers who could throw straight; locks who looked like centaurs; a proper 7; and backs who weren’t worried about their hairdos.

Now Paulan looked both cuddly and terrifying at the same time, so there was some debate amongst the beavers and children about who should pluck up the courage to speak to him first. At last, Peter decided it was up to him, and approached Paulan, drawing his sword in salute (we hope literally).

“Paulan – we have come.”

In a deep and solemn voice with a slight Munster accent: “Welcome, son of George and daughters of Maeve. Is there not another son of George?”

“Erm, yes, well, that’s a bit difficult: he threw a strop and went to see the White Witch. I’m afraid I might have wound him up a bit.”

Lucy the absurdly compassionate couldn’t contain herself, and asked, “Is there nothing we can do to save him?” “Hmm. Yes, there is,” replied Paulan in sonorous tones, “but it may be a bit tricky.”

O frabjous rugby onna telly!

Friday 14th August

Highlanders 38 – 21 Hurricanes	08:05	Sky Sports Action
Reds 19 – 3 Rebels	10:15	Sky Sports Action
Worcester 15 – 44 Gloucester	12:30	BT Sport Extra
Exeter 26 – 13 Leicester	14:00	Channel 5 / BT Sport 1
Bath 34 – 17 London Irish	15:00	BT Sport Extra
Bristol 16 – 12 Saracens	16:30	BT Sport 1

Sunday 16th August