Having said goodbye to John, probably for the last time (unless I can catch up with him in Lubumbashi), I headed back into the hotel to prepare for the week ahead: a market study on the potential for a new cement plant in the country. A completely different proposition, and one that requires navigating through the minefields of Congolese bureaucracy, suspicion, open secrecy and no small amount of corruption. I was unusually serene though, with the client being local and having organised my visa on arrival for the visit. Dinner was good, if overpriced, as is usual in Kinshasa, and I was looking forward to a different side of Kin and then the drive to Matadi port, some 350km south-west of Kin on the border with Angola. I’ve done the trip a number of times and it’s always exciting to see the mighty Congo River up close and personal.
I met up with Mo, we shall call him, a Middle Eastern businessman who had lived in Congo for 30-odd years on the Monday morning, and we mapped out the week ahead. Fabulous coffee, with Mo smoking a packet of twenty before 11 am, and alternately swearing at everyone in the office and flirting outrageously with every woman who walked into the building. We headed out after lunch at a great Lebanese restaurant (Lebanese businesses are very prominent from Senegal to Angola on Africa’s west coast, much like the Indian diaspora dominates much of the eastern seaboard) and began our series of meetings with key contractors, large building materials resellers and logistics companies, gathering a goldmine of data you simply can’t get any other way. After a couple of days of this, we headed for Matadi.
The Matadi Highway is a misnomer: it’s a single lane each way, takes about two or three hours to get out of or into Kinshasa because of the congestion and is riddled with potholes, partially collapsed bridges and markets that encroach onto the road. It’s also the only road linking the port of Matadi with the 40 million people on the western side of DRC who depend entirely on the port for imports of almost everything. The road winds along partly parallel to the river, partly meandering between the hills. It’s very windy, with lots of blind rises and corners, and broken-down cars and jack-knifed trucks spilling bananas across the road a common feature.
This doesn’t deter Congolese drivers, especially Mo, who drive at the limits of whatever vehicle they’re in. Mo spent the journey smoking non-stop and alternatively swearing into one phone and cackling outrageously into another, with a fourth hand on the hooter as we drove through small villages and the markets spilling onto the ‘highway’. We stopped twice for funeral processions. Mo wound down his window and showered the mourners with cash, of which he had a never-ending supply in various currencies.
We arrived in Matadi around nine hours after we left Kin and headed for our hotel, which sprawled across one side of a hill, built in the style of an entire Tuscan village, except with dodgy wiring, dodgier water and a large cinema-style screen, to show the football, next to the pool and bar. We had a great dinner of Congo River prawns and fish, followed by the ubiquitous peri-peri chicken, chips and loads of beer. Mo was in his element, especially as more and more of the local hookers took up residence in the bar waiting for the assortment of local businessmen, visitors from Kin and Angola, and bored sailors to get drunk and loosen their purse strings. Time to exit.
The following morning, we headed to the port to look at the state of it. Pretty run down, with most of the cranes not much more than scrap, although it could pass as a post-modern art installation in parts of Europe. “No fuckin’ click-click here!” barked Mo as we arrived, as photographing any public building in the Congo can land you in prison. I’ve been there loads of times and am well aware of it. We handed in our passports (and US $200 to Mo’s contact) and headed for the meeting: a torturous affair, with slow, heaving cascades of hierarchy and protocol you could stick a turbine on and run a small city off. We got what we expected – precisely nothing – and headed off to the private port concession around the river bend after collecting our passports from the bored guards.
More passport control, despite it being a private concession. Great meeting with a young Belgian guy who also happened to have started a rugby club in the town. He was delighted to be able to talk rugby for a while, interspersed with sighs and eye-rolling about Congolese corruption.
As we left, we collected our passports, except this time the officer smiled and addressed me in English. My heart sank. It means only one thing: bribes, which I don’t pay. “M. Deebee (obviously reads OB), may I have a word? Come sit. Let’s talk about your passport.” I didn’t have a visa to be here apparently.
“Not true”, I replied with a flourish and showed him the stamped visa on arrival. “Yes, but visa on arrival is only valid for the province of arrival,” he smiled, warming to his task. “I must arrest you.” A furious exchange between the officer and Mo in Lingala, punctuated by swearing in French and English, along with mutual backslapping and laughter went on for thirty minutes or so before the officer beamed and turned to me. “Come, you need to come with me.”
He didn’t have a car, so we were obliged to give him a lift to the police headquarters where I was put into a cell. No lights, no windows, just a hole in the rickety door for light and air. No Wi-Fi or internet obviously, no phone signal. Nothing. Just heat and stale sweat for company, with the occasional sounds of Mo flirting, fighting, laughing and swearing at and with anyone in whichever room he was in.
Time dragged on and I began to worry that I was in real trouble, not just US$100-and-fuck-off trouble. Eventually, six hours later, Mo arrived, ice cold beer in hand, huge smile, even bigger apology and flung open the door. “Come! We go! I’ve sorted it. You fuckin’ expensive, you!” Cue more laughter. The officer was delighted with his work, worth US $800 to him and nothing to the state, and we were on our way to the border town of Lufu, a gateway for informal trade with Angola over the rickety Lufu bridge on the Lufu river. But that’s a story for another day.
As told by the convict formerly known as Deebee7.
Proper rugby returneth
Friday 21st August
| Western Force v Reds | 10:05 | Sky Sports Action |
| Sale v Exeter | 18:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso v Zebre | 19:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Wasps v Worcester | 19:45 | BT Sport Extra |
| Gloucester v Bristol | 19:45 | BT Sport Extra |
Saturday 22nd August
| Brumbies v Waratahs | 10:15 | Sky Sports Action |
| Saracens v Quins | 12:30 | BT Sport Extra |
| Scarlets v Cardiff | 15:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Leicester v Bath | 16:30 | BT Sport 3 |
| Edinburgh v Glasgow | 17:15 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Leinster v Munster | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 23rd August
| Ospreys v Dragons | 14:15 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Connacht v Ulster | 16:30 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Tuesday 25th August
| Wasps v Sale | 17:30 | BT Sport 2 |
| Bristol v Exeter | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
Wednesday 26th August
| Leicester v London Irish | 18:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Saracens v Gloucester | 18:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Worcester v Quins | 18:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Northampton v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Hurrah!
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Loving the travelogue Deebee. The joys of corruption eh? spent a night in a middle eastern jail once upon a time in my young and irresponsible [1] days. No fun, and always a worry about actually getting out again. Money, as ever was the answer.
[1] as a pose to my older and irresponsible ones
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Still never been to the African continent. Want to go.
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I’ve been to La Palma – does that count?
Personally, I think Deebee should chuck his day job and pursue writing.
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Mind you, he’d need to write a bestseller before getting the same level of lunches. In the meantime, Chimpie could make him toasties.
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There’s a point. Was mention of dinner, but a suspicious lack of lunch details. Seems like a cover up to me.
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Am hooked already. This can only be enthralling.
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But before I read the rest:
https://www.cnbc.com/2020/08/20/former-trump-advisor-steve-bannon-arrested-on-charges-of-defrauding-donors-in-fundraising-scheme.html
Rermember: Innocent until proven guilty.
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I’ve worked on the mountains of La Palma.
Haven’t read the ATL yet, but I’m glad it is up there together with the fixtures. Thanks to both of you.
Doing catch-up on the previous blog I thought for a second that TomP referenced a-ha in relation to James Blunt. I’m happy I was mistaken.
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Iks – my sister worked on a mountain of La Palma, which is why I went there.
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Thanks to Thauma for polishing the proverbial turd at such short notice. No mean feat!
Chimpie – Lebanese lunch, so lots of Lebanese humus, tahini, pickles, schwarma and stuff. Love that food. No money changed hands which may raise some suspicion?
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I thought for a second that TomP referenced a-ha in relation to James Blunt.
Maybe a collaboration at the next Test at the Millennium Stadium? A-ha doing Land of Our Father’s, with Blunt chiming in with ‘You’re Beautiful! You’re Beautiful!’ on every inhale?
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Deebee – my ears!
Love Lebanese food. It’s hard to make it expensive, though. Were you paying out of your own pocket?
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For $100 “What’s a question that will be answered with “No”?”
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@iksy
But I’ve never been to me.
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As part of their scam to defraud racists of their cash, Bannon’s lads defamed a butterfly sanctuary. The butterflies are quite happy about yesterdays turn of events.
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Good to see the swamp’s been drained
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I think DeeBee should turn his hand to spy thrillers. Most enjoyable read.
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Thanks so much to DeeBee (and Thaum)!
Meanwhile, YOUR Exeter team to face Sale:
15 Stuart Hogg, 14 Alex Cuthbert, 13 Henry Slade, 12 Ian Whitten, 11 Olly Woodburn
10 Joe Simmonds (capt), 9 Jack Maunder
1 Ben Moon, 2 Luke Cowan-Dickie, 3 Harry Williams
4 Jonny Gray, 5 Jonny Hill
6 Dave Ewers, 7 Jacques Vermeulen, 8 Sam Simmonds
16 Jack Yeandle,, 17 Billy Keast, 18 Tomas Francis, 19 Sam Skinner, 20 Jannes Kirsten,21 Sam Hidalgo-Clyne
22 Gareth Steenson, 23 Tom Hendrickson
Should be quite a match-up.
Nowell being held back by hamstrings. Squad getting some rotation to get all up to match speed
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Embra
https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
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Poop
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That went well
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Sutherland, McInally, Nel
Davidson, Gilchrist
Crosbie, Watson, Mata
Groom, VDW
DVDM
Dean, Bennett
Sau
HornKing
Willemse, Schoeman, Berghan, Hodgson, Haining, Shiel, Chamberlain, Taylor
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Hmm. No darce, Ritchie or Bradbury (still a really good back row combo though). Assume Pyrgos must be injured.
Debut for Davidson. Thought Taylor had overtaken Dean but still a decent Pro option. Expect some moving around next weekend.
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Weedgies
1. Oli Kebble (47)
2. Fraser Brown (C) (98)
3. Zander Fagerson (91)
4. Richie Gray (47)
5. Scott Cummings (68)
6. Rob Harley (230)
7. Matt Fagerson (61)
8. Ryan Wilson (168)
9. Ali Price (86)
10. Adam Hastings (42)
11. Ratu Tagive (11)
12. Pete Horne (169)
13. Nick Grigg (69)
14. Tommy Seymour (142)
15. Huw Jones (35)
Replacements
16. George Turner (47)
17. Dylan Evans (0)
18. D’arcy Rae (70)
19. Kiran McDonald (24)
20. Tom Gordon (17)
21. George Horne (55)
22. Niko Matawalu (127)
23. Glenn Bryce (28)
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Looks weak. Embra by 80
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It’s sooo good to be talking about an upcoming game, I’m on a drive-by and will return later – I always enjoy Deebs’ travelogues and I’m looking forward to reading this one.
We have more injuries than I’d like, Chimpie, I knew Toolis had had an op on his shoulder, but there is a long list of others, hopefully it’s just precautionary that they have been left out. Big chance for Crosbie to state his case, likewise for Davison to show Glasgow what they are missing. Charlie Shiel v George Horne at the close should be fun!
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Tight 5 fairly even. We’ve got better looseheids, hookers even, Fagerson the best TH on show. Be interesting to see what form larger gray is on, no really idea of Davidson.
Fancy our back row more, but definite edge for Glasgow at half back. We have a very green back up 10. Centres fairly even but would would definitely rate our back 3 more, even with no darse. I await the Jones at 15 experiment eagerly.
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Munster have done one of the films of the lineup on Twitter, so
Munster: Shane Daly; Andrew Conway, Chris Farrell, Damian de Allende, Keith Earls; JJ Hanrahan, Conor Murray; James Cronin, Niall Scannell, Stephen Archer; RG Snyman, Billy Holland; Peter O’Mahony (C), Tommy O’Donnell, CJ Stander.
Replacements: Rhys Marshall, Dave Kilcoyne, John Ryan, Jean Kleyn, Chris Cloete, Craig Casey, Rory Scannell, Matt Gallagher.
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Forgot De Allende & Snyman had upped the saffa quotient at Munster
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Leinster looking weak as usual
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Carbery injured again?
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Yes. Or rather still injured.
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Sam Simmonds in for a fine try in under 2 minutes. Cracking inside ball to Woodburn in the build-up.
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Sale win a pen for sealing off. Kick to the corner. A decent drive and then de Klerk launches runners Tuilagi, then a big Saffer and then Tom Curry and Sale score close to the posts. Well worked. 7-7.
Hogg drops an easy one under modest pressure. Sales go to the corner again.
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Robert du Preez gets through some miserable Exeter defence to put Sale ahead. Very poor from Exeter.
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He beat 3 easily then carried one over and Hogg could do nothing to slow him down.
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Blimey, just tuned in and there have been three tries in ten mins
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Faf is playing for Sale? When did that happen?
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Hogg takes a high kick from de Klerk, beats the first defender and then belts a glorious kick downfield deep into Sale’s 22.
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Couple of years at least, Thaum
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de Klerk now does the same, to just outside the Exeter 22. Both kicks really difficult and superbly done.
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Really?! Obviously I am clueless.
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Marlon Yarde takes the blessed AC very high. Exeter go to the corner. Sale have defended pretty well since the try.
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And Slade misses touch. Kicking the ball dead.
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Tuilagi making life horrible for the Exeter midfield. They know he’s coming, they’re only just slowing him down.
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Curry really is a breakdown bandit
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Top player. Sale’s pack has done very well in defence, but the camera is constrantly drawn to him. Am watching with Czech commentary, which is effusive. Imagine the buckets BT Sport are pouring on TC.
14-7 to Faf’s Sale at the half. OK game so far. Sale miles better than last week,
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