Having said goodbye to John, probably for the last time (unless I can catch up with him in Lubumbashi), I headed back into the hotel to prepare for the week ahead: a market study on the potential for a new cement plant in the country. A completely different proposition, and one that requires navigating through the minefields of Congolese bureaucracy, suspicion, open secrecy and no small amount of corruption. I was unusually serene though, with the client being local and having organised my visa on arrival for the visit. Dinner was good, if overpriced, as is usual in Kinshasa, and I was looking forward to a different side of Kin and then the drive to Matadi port, some 350km south-west of Kin on the border with Angola. I’ve done the trip a number of times and it’s always exciting to see the mighty Congo River up close and personal.
I met up with Mo, we shall call him, a Middle Eastern businessman who had lived in Congo for 30-odd years on the Monday morning, and we mapped out the week ahead. Fabulous coffee, with Mo smoking a packet of twenty before 11 am, and alternately swearing at everyone in the office and flirting outrageously with every woman who walked into the building. We headed out after lunch at a great Lebanese restaurant (Lebanese businesses are very prominent from Senegal to Angola on Africa’s west coast, much like the Indian diaspora dominates much of the eastern seaboard) and began our series of meetings with key contractors, large building materials resellers and logistics companies, gathering a goldmine of data you simply can’t get any other way. After a couple of days of this, we headed for Matadi.
The Matadi Highway is a misnomer: it’s a single lane each way, takes about two or three hours to get out of or into Kinshasa because of the congestion and is riddled with potholes, partially collapsed bridges and markets that encroach onto the road. It’s also the only road linking the port of Matadi with the 40 million people on the western side of DRC who depend entirely on the port for imports of almost everything. The road winds along partly parallel to the river, partly meandering between the hills. It’s very windy, with lots of blind rises and corners, and broken-down cars and jack-knifed trucks spilling bananas across the road a common feature.
This doesn’t deter Congolese drivers, especially Mo, who drive at the limits of whatever vehicle they’re in. Mo spent the journey smoking non-stop and alternatively swearing into one phone and cackling outrageously into another, with a fourth hand on the hooter as we drove through small villages and the markets spilling onto the ‘highway’. We stopped twice for funeral processions. Mo wound down his window and showered the mourners with cash, of which he had a never-ending supply in various currencies.
We arrived in Matadi around nine hours after we left Kin and headed for our hotel, which sprawled across one side of a hill, built in the style of an entire Tuscan village, except with dodgy wiring, dodgier water and a large cinema-style screen, to show the football, next to the pool and bar. We had a great dinner of Congo River prawns and fish, followed by the ubiquitous peri-peri chicken, chips and loads of beer. Mo was in his element, especially as more and more of the local hookers took up residence in the bar waiting for the assortment of local businessmen, visitors from Kin and Angola, and bored sailors to get drunk and loosen their purse strings. Time to exit.
The following morning, we headed to the port to look at the state of it. Pretty run down, with most of the cranes not much more than scrap, although it could pass as a post-modern art installation in parts of Europe. “No fuckin’ click-click here!” barked Mo as we arrived, as photographing any public building in the Congo can land you in prison. I’ve been there loads of times and am well aware of it. We handed in our passports (and US $200 to Mo’s contact) and headed for the meeting: a torturous affair, with slow, heaving cascades of hierarchy and protocol you could stick a turbine on and run a small city off. We got what we expected – precisely nothing – and headed off to the private port concession around the river bend after collecting our passports from the bored guards.
More passport control, despite it being a private concession. Great meeting with a young Belgian guy who also happened to have started a rugby club in the town. He was delighted to be able to talk rugby for a while, interspersed with sighs and eye-rolling about Congolese corruption.
As we left, we collected our passports, except this time the officer smiled and addressed me in English. My heart sank. It means only one thing: bribes, which I don’t pay. “M. Deebee (obviously reads OB), may I have a word? Come sit. Let’s talk about your passport.” I didn’t have a visa to be here apparently.
“Not true”, I replied with a flourish and showed him the stamped visa on arrival. “Yes, but visa on arrival is only valid for the province of arrival,” he smiled, warming to his task. “I must arrest you.” A furious exchange between the officer and Mo in Lingala, punctuated by swearing in French and English, along with mutual backslapping and laughter went on for thirty minutes or so before the officer beamed and turned to me. “Come, you need to come with me.”
He didn’t have a car, so we were obliged to give him a lift to the police headquarters where I was put into a cell. No lights, no windows, just a hole in the rickety door for light and air. No Wi-Fi or internet obviously, no phone signal. Nothing. Just heat and stale sweat for company, with the occasional sounds of Mo flirting, fighting, laughing and swearing at and with anyone in whichever room he was in.
Time dragged on and I began to worry that I was in real trouble, not just US$100-and-fuck-off trouble. Eventually, six hours later, Mo arrived, ice cold beer in hand, huge smile, even bigger apology and flung open the door. “Come! We go! I’ve sorted it. You fuckin’ expensive, you!” Cue more laughter. The officer was delighted with his work, worth US $800 to him and nothing to the state, and we were on our way to the border town of Lufu, a gateway for informal trade with Angola over the rickety Lufu bridge on the Lufu river. But that’s a story for another day.
As told by the convict formerly known as Deebee7.
Proper rugby returneth
Friday 21st August
| Western Force v Reds | 10:05 | Sky Sports Action |
| Sale v Exeter | 18:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso v Zebre | 19:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Wasps v Worcester | 19:45 | BT Sport Extra |
| Gloucester v Bristol | 19:45 | BT Sport Extra |
Saturday 22nd August
| Brumbies v Waratahs | 10:15 | Sky Sports Action |
| Saracens v Quins | 12:30 | BT Sport Extra |
| Scarlets v Cardiff | 15:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Leicester v Bath | 16:30 | BT Sport 3 |
| Edinburgh v Glasgow | 17:15 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Leinster v Munster | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 23rd August
| Ospreys v Dragons | 14:15 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Connacht v Ulster | 16:30 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Tuesday 25th August
| Wasps v Sale | 17:30 | BT Sport 2 |
| Bristol v Exeter | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
Wednesday 26th August
| Leicester v London Irish | 18:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Saracens v Gloucester | 18:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Worcester v Quins | 18:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Northampton v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Jacques Vermeulen crashes over from close in after another 5-metre line out. Been a couple of kicks over this half as well. 17-15 to Sale.
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17 all now. Exeter doing what Exeter do from close range.
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Joe Simmonds with a grand conversion. 17-17 after 50 minutes.
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That was a really well-crafted score
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Exeter cut Sale apart. Woodburn put into an acre of space and he feeds the Hogg.
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Aye. No’ bad.
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Simmonds misses the fairly straightforward conversion. 17-22.
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Oh for a bt sports subscription. Going to have to settle for benetton vs zebra
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Curry a bit hot there
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Old-fashioned tap penalty and all of Exeter push LCD over the iine. Looks as if they’ll be going home with the points.
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LCD doing to Sale what he did to Tiggers last week. Quick tap penalty and he’s over!
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Dammit, went for a beer and missed that try
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Big Tom Francis on. Good to see the very big man back.
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Hammersley’s a pretty underwhelming player.
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Sammy H-C!
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Took a dinner break, and the score has changed dramatically!
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Johnny Gray offside like an old-school All Black. Beautiful nostalgic work by the Scottish lad.
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You have to wonder what the point of a touch judge is if it’s not to notice a squint throw to the lineout
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Tam, I thought the ball had popped out, so was in open play
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Bit of old skool thuggery from Gray now
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Good finish by Solomona.
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Ticht, it was a ruck, though, no? He was ambling back like a Whetton or a Haden.
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If he was a Whetton or a Haden he’d never have been pinged
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I wish Tony Rowe would fuck off, but his team are excellent
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The idea is not to pick the ball up. That was Gray’s mistake. I watched the 2015 quarter-final v France the other day. There was a lot of that lazy running near the ruck. Refined so that it was very very difficult to justify a penalty.
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The man’s brilliant:
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Thoroughly enjoying your travels, Deebee. 800 bucks, thats a good bonus.
You mean big Semi, TomP ? Quite a handful.
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Looking forward to Bristol vs Exeter: Bristol may have it.
They could meet again in the play-off final. I doubt either team would win both games.
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Any recommended streaming service for Scarlets Blues out there please?
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London Irish against Saints pretty poor so far. And that’s just the commentary choice! Lol and Ugo on BT Sport, or Mark Robson on Channel 5.
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Iks, the usual, vip seems to work.
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https://www.vipleague.lc/rugby-sports-stream
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Try Scarlets in 4 minutes. Could be a long afternoon for the Blues.
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Irish vs Saints still shit. So bad I’ve turned it off. Will now obviously become a try-fest…
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Ha’penny’s missed two kicks, but the second one bounced off the posts, was gathered, and resulted in a 5m line-out.
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Blues turn over the ball, but!
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Blues cock up a kick (gets charged down) and that allows Stef Evans to score.
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Blues score! Nice try.
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Ha’penny cuts through what looked like the entire Cardiff side like a knife through butter, and gets into the 22.
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Gets a penalty as his reward.
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RealEddie: It’s good to hear a little lecture from Nigel Owens again, after lockdown.
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15-7 at HT.
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Scarlets sneaked another try in when I wasn’t looking.
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And there’s the BP try.
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And another one!
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Matthew Morgan gets one for the Blues, but the Scarlets are pretty much out of sight on the scoreboard (32-12).
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Morgan goes over again, but I think he dropped it. Checking.
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Oh, forward pass before that!
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I tell you what, there’s many a parent during lockdown who’d’ve loved to have Nigel Owens in their house.
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Cardiff earn a yellow in their own 22.
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