The intense interest aroused in the public by what was known at the time as “The OvallyBalls Case” has now somewhat subsided. Nevertheless, in view of the world-wide notoriety which attended it, I have been asked, both by my friend Poirot and the blogmembers themselves, to write an account of the whole story. This, we trust, will effectually silence the sensational rumours which still persist.
It all began when a chap named BorderBoy idly commented, “Wonder who’ll end up killing me first?” BB, as he was affectionately called, seemed only to be referring to a domestic situation engendered by the current lockdown, but his comment brought on a sinister load of abuse, invective and general rotterness.
Poirot, knowing my aptitude for these kinds of cases, has asked me to transcribe my characterisation of the main suspects at this point in the proceedings.
Suspects
OurTerry
Far from having any sympathy for BB’s imminent demise, OT raged that “This lockdown and home schooling has already cost me 250 quid for a better router.”
He later tries to cover his tracks by suggesting that a fancy new router can distract one from the woes of lockdown.
Chimpie
Chimpie seemed to sympathise at first, when he commented that “Lockdown and home schooling is costing me my sanity”, but quickly made it All About Himself when he went on to say “And a melbury. Can I moan about electricians not turning up when they’re supposed to?”
Must investigate this Melbury fellow. Sounds unreliable.
Craigsman
This utter bounder’s callous response to BB’s plaintive question was “Hard to say. There’s so many to choose from.”
I shall keep an eye on him.
Deebee7
His comment that “It’s at times like this that I’m glad my sprog was born 26 years ago…” may seem innocuous, and even supportive of BB, but does it hide darker thoughts?
* * *
Just as I had finished writing out these incisive insights, BB surprised us all by posting again: “Daughter 2 (at the posh end of the table) is 27 and working from home (and still staying here, despite her best efforts to leave).”
What could this signify? I mean, we all thought he was dead. Perhaps, I thought to myself, it is a coded message from his killer, who has hijacked his login. In which case, what could ‘the posh end of a table’ mean? Could it be that BB, posing as a humble librarian, was actually a person so wealthy that his table stretched to different post-codes.
And I fear for his captive daughter, who probably has auburn hair and is rather beautiful.
* * *
A new suspect has emerged.
A dubious character named ClydeMillarWynant has responded to OT’s comment about the £250 router with “My lot will just have to get behind with their wodwork.”
What could this mean? What are these wods they’re working on, and why should they get behind with it?
He also goes on to show an unnatural interest in the case:
“BB listed the candidates. They were Mrs BB, Daughter 2 and, somewhat bizarrely, Chimpie.
“It’s not many when you think about it.”
He then makes suspicious distractions around fractions and cricket. Well, that’s just not cricket. I have my eye on you, you rotter.
* * *
A very disturbing conversation then took place.
The murderer, posing as BB again, wrote, “Think we can safely rule Chimpie out as one of my killers. Next door neighbour’s cat keeps giving me evil looks though, so may count him in.”
This heightened my suspicions of Chimpie (who, by the way, is a llama). It’s preposterous that it could be a cat.
The scoundrel then had the effrontery to reply under his own moniker, “It’s all right BB why would I want to kill you? It’s not like I could eat you or anything…. Legally.”
But then Craigsman remarked that he now has “a rather gruesome image of BB toasted on one side, covered with a massive pile of cheese, being slid under a grill.” And I suspect he has his neighbours tied up with wire.
Chimpie responded, “I’d probably go for charbroiled cutlets. Or maybe even a pot roast.”
To which MisterIks, a known Prog-hater, suspiciously replied, “Well I’m in the clear. No motive whatsoever to snuff out the Blog Progmeister.”
* * *
Poirot read through my notes with great interest, and complimented me on my eye for detail. “But, mon ami,” he said, “You have forgotten one leetle detail.”
“I say, Poirot, whatever do you mean?”
“You forget that BB works with students and does not detest immigrants.”
“What does that have to do with it?”
“The murderer himself confessed without meaning to do so, when he wrote about ‘woke poncey student types’.
“That’s right. It was … ExPro!”
Onna telly this week
Friday 22nd January
| Scarlets 10 – 13 Cardiff | 20:00 |
Saturday 23rd January
| 13:00 | Bulls v Lions | Sky Sports Arena |
| 13:00 | Zebre v Edinburgh | Premier Sports 2 |
| 14:30 | Western Province v Sharks | Sky Sports Arena |
| 19:35 | Munster v Leinster | Premier Sports 2 |
Sunday 24th January
| Connacht v Ospreys | 15:00 | TG4 / FreeSports |
Ovally Balls 
@deebee
Desmond Tutu was very much a celebrity in the UK ~30ish years ago. He even had his own Spitting Image puppet.
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He was a regular on Dawson-era Blankety Blank as well.
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No that was Kenny Everett.
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Oh dear, OT. Everett famously hated Dawson and the feeling was mutual. It was down to a fight over who was the more realistic in drag. They had a bust up at the 1982 Baftas. And that’s why Everett never appeared on a Dawson-fronted BB.
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I was getting mixed up with Lorraine Chase.
Easily done.
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Meanwhile, Dawson showed his support for the Anti-Apartheid struggle in South Africa, which Everett hated cos he was a massive Tory “Let’s Bomb Russia”. by inviting Allan Boesak, Albertina Sisulu and Helen Suzman on the show.
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I’ve never been a Dawson-fronted BB. Even when I was alive.
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Desmond Tutu was very much a celebrity in the UK ~30ish years ago. He even had his own Spitting Image puppet.
I’d forgotten about that!
What’s it like on the other side, BB? Much the same as here or do Scotland win stuff?
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Much the same Deebs, only with fewer South Africans.
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Poor sod! What did you do to go to hell?
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It was a good try. Very disappointing loss – but going 55-60 mins w/o a score is asking for a sucker punch like that. Larmour was good ball in hand – but was a bit of a liability under the high ball – so the box-kick tactic was justified (to an extent). If he comes back into the Ireland team, he can expect to be targeted – I’d expect Keenan at fb, Earls and Stockdale/Larmour on the wing.
Twitter/social media were giving Hanrahan a hard -time – second miss was pretty bad. First one – which hit the post – was less culpable but he’d already comfortably scored a similar one earlier. Giving away a bunch of pens off the back of Hanrahan’s miss to give Leinster a score in overtime wasn’t good play either – instead of 13-3 it was 10-6.
In Hanrahan’s defence he’s gone from a 75% to an 85% kicker over the past couple of years and his kicking vs Clermont was flawless – but he had a similar meltdown vs Leinster in the PRO-14 semi in a game that ended 13-3 – missing easy 3s changes the complexion of the game.
If Carbery returns and with Healy/Crowley behind – I’d think Hanrahan is running out of road.
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Words Thaum. Enjoyed that.
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The English and Scottish have topped an international league table of how often people get so drunk that they lose their balance and slur their speech.
Chalk one up for the English and the Scottish. Although this comes despite Chimpie’s beer radar being broken so an even bigger achievement.
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Craigs I wonder how many countries are covered in these ‘international’ studies. From experience, many African countries would be well up the list too!
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English and Scots can’t handle their drink is the main takeaway from that bit of research.
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Deebee, South Africa is the only African nation in the survey. 20% of people reporting that they lost balance or shlurred their shpeech as against 33.7 % of Sais and 33.8% of Scots.
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Thaum’ll be delighted with the Ireland squad
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No cooney no stockdale
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Stockdale’s injured, Chimpie. Better than having him at full back.
Cooney’s omission is curious.
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The Connacht outside half Carty is better than Byrne and Burns.
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WTAF?
And freakin Jamie G-P is in the squad – I never want to see him in an Ireland shirt again.
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36 Irish vs 28 English – that’s not fair
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Its a survey. You could also infer that English and Scottish people are just more honest about their drinking.
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Cooney must have been rude about baby Faz in front of Dad.
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Or Sexton hates Cooney.
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Smart and creative ATL-ing Thauma. Almost the perfect red herring hiding in a smokescreen on Alibi Island.
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What’s the issue with this Cooney fella, is he any good?
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Depends who you ask, and whether they’re an Ulster fan or not
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He is good, Iks. He’s sparky, a good passer usually, a fine kicker out of hand and at goal, runs decent support lines. The trouble I have with him is he can be a bit bullied at times.
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Don’t see Casey having much chance to play in 6N – he’s just there to “soak” up the atmosphere – but presume he’s seen as the long-term (or even medium-term) successor to Murray, with Gibson-Park as the immediate deputy – I guess that blocks Cooney.
Conway is a bit of a mystery – hasn’t played much nor that well recently.
Main issue is we’ve a lot of good to very good players but a bit short on real outstanding ones – and a lot where the difference between the various options isn’t huge …. you could pick 2 XVs out that squad and and there wouldn’t be much in it
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TomP, I think the thing about that survey is that it doesn’t seem to include room for not being able to remember if your speech was slurred and you couldn’t walk straight. Terribly formulated.
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Deebs – I’m pretty sure that being pissed when you answer the survey is a requirement. Otherwise what’s the point?
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“Don’t see Casey having much chance to play in 6N” – actually having said that probably vs Italy
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Bl**dy Hell1
Launchbury (broken leg) and Marler (family reasons) out of England squad
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Ewels and West called up as replacements.
Ashton to Worcester…………….
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Scotland by 67.
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Trying to sort out a place to live in Dublin. A reference from your employer is a ridiculous thing. Even worse is having to get a reference from a former landlord. Luckily we rented a place in SA but otherwise neither of us has rented a place in at least 15 years.
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Expect England to have developed a lot of asthma and to sign some world-class French youngsters in the next few weeks.
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@tomp
Have they not asked for a reference from your parish priest?
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hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Apparently The Idiot Johnson is coming to Scotland to ‘save the union’.
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
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quarantine him in a hotel in Gretna
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Worked for the Duke of Cumberland in 1746, BB.
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And I’d heard it said that dead men don’t wear plaid.
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The Idiot Johnson doesn’t have an army behind him.
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In a whit? what? whither? wtf? moment, we were watching the film ‘High Life’ tonight.
Suddenly, out there on a spaceship in the French arthouse movie universe, a tv screen shows a Murrayfield full of flag-waving Scots dirging away on ‘Flower of Scotland’, as a backdrop to a scene where a girl born in space experiments with praying for the first time. Marvellous.
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Isn’t Jones more of a ‘run out of ideas’ man if he is trawling all and sundry for ideas?
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Johnson is universally loved up here after all.
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I’m sure it’ll go fine
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Magnificent piece of work.
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The message on the very first magnet?
“Boris is inside”
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