The intense interest aroused in the public by what was known at the time as “The OvallyBalls Case” has now somewhat subsided. Nevertheless, in view of the world-wide notoriety which attended it, I have been asked, both by my friend Poirot and the blogmembers themselves, to write an account of the whole story. This, we trust, will effectually silence the sensational rumours which still persist.
It all began when a chap named BorderBoy idly commented, “Wonder who’ll end up killing me first?” BB, as he was affectionately called, seemed only to be referring to a domestic situation engendered by the current lockdown, but his comment brought on a sinister load of abuse, invective and general rotterness.
Poirot, knowing my aptitude for these kinds of cases, has asked me to transcribe my characterisation of the main suspects at this point in the proceedings.
Suspects
OurTerry
Far from having any sympathy for BB’s imminent demise, OT raged that “This lockdown and home schooling has already cost me 250 quid for a better router.”
He later tries to cover his tracks by suggesting that a fancy new router can distract one from the woes of lockdown.
Chimpie
Chimpie seemed to sympathise at first, when he commented that “Lockdown and home schooling is costing me my sanity”, but quickly made it All About Himself when he went on to say “And a melbury. Can I moan about electricians not turning up when they’re supposed to?”
Must investigate this Melbury fellow. Sounds unreliable.
Craigsman
This utter bounder’s callous response to BB’s plaintive question was “Hard to say. There’s so many to choose from.”
I shall keep an eye on him.
Deebee7
His comment that “It’s at times like this that I’m glad my sprog was born 26 years ago…” may seem innocuous, and even supportive of BB, but does it hide darker thoughts?
* * *
Just as I had finished writing out these incisive insights, BB surprised us all by posting again: “Daughter 2 (at the posh end of the table) is 27 and working from home (and still staying here, despite her best efforts to leave).”
What could this signify? I mean, we all thought he was dead. Perhaps, I thought to myself, it is a coded message from his killer, who has hijacked his login. In which case, what could ‘the posh end of a table’ mean? Could it be that BB, posing as a humble librarian, was actually a person so wealthy that his table stretched to different post-codes.
And I fear for his captive daughter, who probably has auburn hair and is rather beautiful.
* * *
A new suspect has emerged.
A dubious character named ClydeMillarWynant has responded to OT’s comment about the £250 router with “My lot will just have to get behind with their wodwork.”
What could this mean? What are these wods they’re working on, and why should they get behind with it?
He also goes on to show an unnatural interest in the case:
“BB listed the candidates. They were Mrs BB, Daughter 2 and, somewhat bizarrely, Chimpie.
“It’s not many when you think about it.”
He then makes suspicious distractions around fractions and cricket. Well, that’s just not cricket. I have my eye on you, you rotter.
* * *
A very disturbing conversation then took place.
The murderer, posing as BB again, wrote, “Think we can safely rule Chimpie out as one of my killers. Next door neighbour’s cat keeps giving me evil looks though, so may count him in.”
This heightened my suspicions of Chimpie (who, by the way, is a llama). It’s preposterous that it could be a cat.
The scoundrel then had the effrontery to reply under his own moniker, “It’s all right BB why would I want to kill you? It’s not like I could eat you or anything…. Legally.”
But then Craigsman remarked that he now has “a rather gruesome image of BB toasted on one side, covered with a massive pile of cheese, being slid under a grill.” And I suspect he has his neighbours tied up with wire.
Chimpie responded, “I’d probably go for charbroiled cutlets. Or maybe even a pot roast.”
To which MisterIks, a known Prog-hater, suspiciously replied, “Well I’m in the clear. No motive whatsoever to snuff out the Blog Progmeister.”
* * *
Poirot read through my notes with great interest, and complimented me on my eye for detail. “But, mon ami,” he said, “You have forgotten one leetle detail.”
“I say, Poirot, whatever do you mean?”
“You forget that BB works with students and does not detest immigrants.”
“What does that have to do with it?”
“The murderer himself confessed without meaning to do so, when he wrote about ‘woke poncey student types’.
“That’s right. It was … ExPro!”
Onna telly this week
Friday 22nd January
| Scarlets 10 – 13 Cardiff | 20:00 |
Saturday 23rd January
| 13:00 | Bulls v Lions | Sky Sports Arena |
| 13:00 | Zebre v Edinburgh | Premier Sports 2 |
| 14:30 | Western Province v Sharks | Sky Sports Arena |
| 19:35 | Munster v Leinster | Premier Sports 2 |
Sunday 24th January
| Connacht v Ospreys | 15:00 | TG4 / FreeSports |
Ovally Balls 
I mean, why would you need two grannies?
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I tend to prefer my genetic history with as little inbreeding as possible
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Unbelievable incompetence
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I noticed John Crace was particularly scathing last night. Although being a political sketch writer these days must be a bit soul destroying – you can’t be satirical of this lot.
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BB – satire would be them being competent.
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Indeed – an avenue for Crace to explore.
Although they’re very competent at shovelling taxpayers’ money into their cronies’ pockets.
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Big Leone off to Belfast, then.
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I know. Typical Irish – coming over here and stealing our Fijians.
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Mind you, I’m not sure how much Ulster fans will actually see of him. He’s hardly played this second time with us – combination of lockdowns, internationals and covid have cut down his appearances.
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Thieving norn gibbons strike again
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Where’s Chekh, when you need him?
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I imagine Chek’d blame Jeremy Corbyn for it.
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Isn’t Corbyn to blame for everything that Chris Ashton isnt to blame for?
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In the fevered imagination of idiots, yes.
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Poor ol Chek.
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Refit – tis a thing of beauty that story.
One thing that concerns me about the Gamestop story is the guys being thrown off Dischord for ‘hate speech’. It seems oh so convenient for that to happen just as some hedge funds are shitting large amounts of cash.
Do you know if there is any validity to the ban? I.e. Did they become nazis overnight?
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Isn’t it just to get some cover now the authorities are interested? Some of the people posting the horrible stuff probably didn’t have to become Nazis overnight.
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Low vaccine yield in the Belgian Novasep factory,
Question – Is it Ashton or Corbyn to blame?
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Is this Chek?
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Not sure OT, but apparently I’m an idiot, so not worth consulting.
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Think he’s more qualified to talk about short socks.
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@deebee
I don’t think you’re an idiot. You’d make a fortune on GumRoad selling pdf copies of your “Guide to fiddling expenses” pamphlet.
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Tomp – the timing is weird though. If this issue isn’t recent then why ban now.
My concern is more around the fact that the rules and power seem to be controlled by a few people in Silicon Valley. There needs to be way more transparency (in my opinion anyway). If you think that they will use their powers just for the greater good then you may be surprised down the line.
I don’t think that there should be no bans BTW and private companies can do what they want etc etc. But they are there to make a profit and the motive isn’t aligned with the little guy.
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Banning stuff. it’s a tricky one. how best to balance freedom of expression with stopping outright lies and lack of responsibility? No time of this marketplace of ideas bollix, all marketplaces need rules.
Best way forward on this is a ban on anything I don’t like or disagree with. Will start with banning anyone beating Edinburgh and Scotland for the next few years. Think that will improve life in general.
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Chimpie, old fruit
Bans are most acceptable when the majority can see a benefit
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And when the majority don’t get banned.
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There doesn’t seem to be a majority benefit to this ban. It seems to me to be very cynical
Also, on a more general point, if the banned individual isn’t affecting the majority, then the majority can go do one.
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A pfft to any objections
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Gonna ban pffts
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Pffft.
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“Some llamas and alpacas are just crabbier than others and spit with little provocation.”…………..google
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I hadn’t considered the rare three f’d pffft.
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Craigs – if the subreddit is anything to go by, hate speech wouldn’t surprise me. It’s basically 4chan for stock trading.
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Refit – probably very similar to an actual trading floor then.
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Still suspicious. Got my foil hat on just in case.
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Well Done Wasps
https://www.wasps.co.uk/news/wasps-make-first-ever-virtual-signing/
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That’s great.
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If this guy’s educated hunch is correct then the implications are a) massive and b) good news
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OT – nice. Lots of stuff I didn’t fully understand but if you skip to the end then… Nice!!!
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That story that Ticht put up is far more interesting than some guy with a hedge losing money.*
*I may have misunderstood one of the stories from earlier.
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some guy with a hedge losing money
Didn’t know that anyone with a hedge was involved.
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“I don’t think that the right thing to do is to talk endlessly about another referendum when I think what the people of the country and the people of Scotland want in particular is to fight this pandemic,” the prime minister said on a visit to Scotland.
Borisplaining innit.
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Imagine banging on about a referendum for years and years. Ridiculous.
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This is what the Blond Blimp apparently said while he was up here…
“If [the vaccine is] approved by the MHRA then we will have 60m doses of it by the end of this year for the whole of the British people. And so it’s a success for Scotland. Uh, it’s a success for, uh, Britain and, uh, it’s a success for Britain because it is a success for Scotland. It’s a success for Scotland because it’s a success for Britain.
“So, uh, I’m, uh, you know, it was very, very encouraging to see it. That’s, that’s … I may have done some other things as well while I have been here although I can’t immediately recollect what they are. It’s been an action-packed day and always a joy to see you.”
Useless tube.
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You’d make a fortune on GumRoad selling pdf copies of your “Guide to fiddling expenses” pamphlet.
I’d never defile my tome by releasing it in pamphlet form. For shame, man!
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From the Graun:
Novavax Covid vaccine shown to be nearly 90% effective in UK trial
Government has ordered 60m doses of jab, which appears to work well against Kent variant
I thought the Kentish mob were deviants, not variants? Or are they variants of Sussex deviants?
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‘How wombats produce their cube-shape poo has long been a biological puzzle but now an international study has provided the answer to this unusual natural phenomenon.’
well thank goodness for that. I’ve literally not been able to sleep
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And? What was the answer?
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