the Not Johnny Clegg Story of Travel In Africa
It’s August ‘97 in Joburg, and the phone rings in my office with a hysterical voice on the other end shouting, “So you’re the one going to Cameroon with me? What do you know about it? You know you can’t eat the fruit and vegetables, or drink tap water? In fact, you can’t eat anything but chicken there. And they’re corrupt, hey – worst bladdy Africans I’ve ever met!”
My boss popped her head round the corner and smiled. “You’ve met Rob*, I see.” After a few more shouty reasons why I should never ‘set foot in Africa’ despite living in it, I got off the call and was told I would be doing my first trip into another African country. Cameroon! I was stunned and delighted. Other than an Eric Clapton concert in Swaziland (now Eswatini by royal decree), I’d never set foot outside of South Africa. Eswatini is very similar to the eastern parts of South Africa, culturally, scenically and otherwise, so it wasn’t a new experience for me really. Pedants sharpen your pitchforks.
I prepared quickly over the next few days, including being introduced to our host on a ten-day trip to introduce South Africa to the Cameroonian business community. It was in the first flush of South Africa’s reintegration into Africa after apartheid – heady days, filled with promise and excitement. Eric, our Cameroonian host was positioning Cameroon as the gateway for Saffer business into the Central African region, and naturally himself as the gateway to trade. I worked for our trade promotion agency in those days, fresh out of unemployment following a long stint tutoring at uni here. They really shot for the stars.
We gathered at the airport the next Sunday morning to fly to Douala, the commercial capital and main port of Cameroon and then get a connecting flight to Yaoundé, the political capital, for the start of the first conference on the Monday morning. I was in the first row of non-smoking on Air Cameroon. The Cameroon boxing team took up a few rows in front of me and were happily puffing on cigars before we’d taken off, posing with their trophies from the African championships. I declined asking them to stop.
Speaking of stops, it wasn’t a direct flight – we were landing in Harare, Zimbabwe first and then Kinshasa, in what was still Mabuto’s Zaire for a few more weeks, before reaching Douala. Rob was mercifully seated a few rows away form me and the plane was full, so no listening to him on route. We took off with little fanfare and the hostess arrived with a lovely selection of ice-cold beer – I settled on a 33 Export and she gave me three with a smile. That should do me for the trip I happily thought, waving away plumes of cheap cigar smoke.
Just over an hour later we began our descent into Harare airport through a monumental thunderstorm. I’ve seldom experienced anything like that since, with the 737 being flung about like a ragdoll by an African elephant – I honestly have no idea how the plane didn’t disintegrate. Suddenly we lurched out of the storm and careened towards the landing strip with a thump and a skid and shuddered along narrowly missing a C-130 transport plane that was on the tarmac.
We taxied up close to the terminal building in the little airport with the Congolese and Cameroonians singing and praising the pilot, the Zimbabweans happy to be getting off and the Saffers wondering what the hell they were getting themselves into. I looked across to the waiting families, prevented from wandering over to us by a single policeman and a one-foot fence. Typical scene I would learn, of white farmers in their blue shorts and t-shirts and black businessmen dressed in suits. That was before the land invasions.
A couple of ours later we were back in the air, headed for Kinshasa, a city as fabled as it is cursed and with the double curse in those days of Mabuto’s evil reign. Not much to see out the window when you fly over the tropics other than cloud and the occasional glimpse of forest below, so I settled into another three beers and lunch thinking that this travel malarkey was alright. A bit of a scare, sure, but lots of beer, entertaining passengers and no Rob near me.
A little later, as I started to doze off, the captain announced that we were descending to Njili International Airport in Kinshasa. We should not worry about the sharp, corkscrew nature of it, it was simply a precautionary measure as the rebels were apparently closing on Kinshasa fast and were known to take the odd pop at planes (may be paraphrasing that a bit). Hmm. Shit just got a bit real. We banked sharply and the delightful Ghanaian woman next to me took my mind off things by remarking that she didn’t realise Kinshasa was a coastal city (it isn’t). Then I saw it – the massive expanse of the Congo River, some 16km across at its widest, where we were coming in from. Magnificent!
I was glued to watching the river and tropical trees lining the river and airport as we landed, bumpily again, but possibly just avoiding potholes on the runway. Nothing, at all, ever, was built or maintained by the Mabuto regime in his decades of power, other than his bizarre jungle villas and the roads leading to them. We taxied to the arrivals and it was only then that I realised that other than a military plane, ours was the only one on the tarmac. It was eerily quiet, to begin with. Sitting next to the military aircraft that was being unloaded, we noticed that all the whisky crates had the ‘This Side Up’ arrows pointing firmly down, and they weren’t being handled with a great deal of care. Maybe Mabuto lost power through a lack of whisky? A commotion followed with military police storming the plane and dragging a guy off shouting in French as he protested his innocence. Stupid bugger had taken pictures of the aircraft and whisky and was arrested for being a spy.
We sat in the oppressive heat in silence for hour after hour. No inflight entertainment systems, no aircon. Nothing. Just the gentle click and fizz of beer cans opening. Then the distant sound of gunfire, followed by a more immediate sound of artillery. The smiling air hostess appeared again to assure us that we were safe. “The captain has established it is the war in other Congo you can hear and they very, very seldom fire shells across the river,” she beamed. Cue more beer. ‘Other Congo’ or Congo-Brazzaville is on the other side of the river, with Kinshasa and Brazzaville just 3km apart at their closest.
A sheepish Saffer (who else) got back on the plane after negotiating his release for being a spy and we were off again to much relief as we corkscrewed our way back into the air. We’d survived nearly hitting another plane in Harare and being caught in or near enough to a war in the Congo, maybe both of them. Surely we were home and dry! Surely? Well that’s a story for another time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a beer to crack.
*We’ll call him Rob for his own sanity and sanctity.
As relived by Deebee7
Onna telly this week
Friday 23rd April
| Stormers v Sharks | 18:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Bristol v Exeter | 19:45 | BT Sport1 |
| Ulster v Connacht | 20:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Edinburgh v Zebre | 20:15 | Premier Sports 1 |
Saturday 24th April
| Italy v Ireland (women) | 12:00 | BBC iPlayer/Red Button |
| London Irish v Harlequins | 12:30 | Channel 5 / BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso v Glasgow | 13:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| England v France (women) | 14:00 | BBC2 |
| Leicester v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Gloucester v Newcastle | 15:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Worcester v Sale | 15:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Bulls v Lions | 15:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Scotland v Wales (women) | 17:00 | BBC Scotland / Red Button / iPlayer |
| Ospreys v Cardiff | 17:15 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Leinster v Munster | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 25th April
| Dragons v Scarlets | 13:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Wasps v Bath | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Lovely stuff Deebs (and slightly scary….).
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Thanks very much Deebs and Thaum!
now…………….Bristol vs Exeter………………..hmmm!
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Marina Hyde on cracking form: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/apr/23/boris-johnsons-text-addiction-dominic-cummings
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Lovely try Bristol!
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Exeter ‘Exeter’ their way over for a try.
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And that was also Exeter ‘Exeter’ing their way across the try line! Lovely try!
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Connacht with first score.
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Words Deebs! Maybe you should write a book: ‘A Saffa’s Guide to Africa without paying for Lunch’.
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Great first half (for me, anyway) – terrific commitment from both teams – Exeter looking to wear Bristol down and eventually harvest penalties (I hope).
Not much in it at the moment – Bristol backs very dangerous in broken play.
Lovely to see Nowell nowelling about again……………..
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That’s been a cracking half of rugby – enjoyed that.
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Stockdale finally goes over the line for Ulster.
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Really fast & furious game. Probably because there are a lot of youngsters on the pitch.
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Phew! Ulster score again from a line-out maul.
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Bristol’s lineout is crap.
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12-7 at HT.
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Bristol not quite clicking tonight (after the first 15 minutes).
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Jonny Hill kicks the ball from his own 22 into the Bristol 22! Now he comes off!
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Carty binned for a deliberate knock-on just before Ulster score again.
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And Blade scores a fab try for Connacht.
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Great win for Exeter. Second half they really strangled the game.
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BB -Bristol are very aggressive and took some stopping – Vermeulen had a great game and Exeter’s backs defended very well
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Uh-oh. Connacht score again, putting them ahead.
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Lyttle furra line set up by Lowry – yes! Back in front, and that’s the BP try.
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No! Connacht score a try after the clock’s gone red.
They played really well and are deserved winners.
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Oh dear. Ulster’s next two games are away to Munster & Leinster.
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*That Ulster try was Shanahan, not Lyttle. They’re practically twins.
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Kitson only seems to see matches now through the prism of ‘Englishman Does Well In A Game, Therefore Is Shoe-In For Lions’. Simmons S. may be well be a bolter, and LC-D may be in, but Slade (sorry Slade), Hill and Nowell? Nowell’s just back from injury (and obviously none of the other 3 countries have any decent wingers). Jonny Hill? Is brilliant for Exeter but was found out a bit at international level (but t’other Jonny was immense as usual). If you are going to mention Hill, then mention Skinner too (don’t think either will go).
https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2021/apr/23/sam-skinner-try-sparks-exeter-victory-against-bristol-in-battle-of-top-two
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Danny Care furra 🦁!!!
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BB – on Gat’s previous ‘form’ I would say that Nowell, Slade, Simmonds S and LC-D are in the running for the Lions.
Hogg already selected and Jonny Gray maybe (I think he has not been at his absolute best this year but still very good obvs.).
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Thaum, I saw the last gasp try Connacht scored, that must have been a scunner, it certainly upset the Superbru apple cart.
Embra had a good win against a strong Zebre selection, they play good rugby but just can’t get a result. It was pleasing to see all the young guys play well, Muncaster looks to the manor born, Sykes looked a bit lost in the first half but was very strong in the second. To be honest, this was a team that had very few games between them and so it was to be expected.
18 year old hooker Patrick Harrison looked very good, and he was managed well – coming on to an already dominant scrum he was partnered by Schoey and WP Nel, the result was that dominant scum now blootered the Italians. He was asked to throw to the front for his first couple of darts – again good management of the teenager and he looked like a good prospect in the loose, knocking a couple of defenders on their arses.
Charlie Shiel was top drawer, everything he did was spot on, he has brought control into his game and to contradict myself, there was only only FFS Charlie moment last night when he kicked it dead, the idea was the right one, but his aim was off.
Chamberalin didn’t have his best game, but he will take a lot from playing the full 80.
I’ve saved the best till last, Matt Currie – watch out for that name in future, outside centre, he just knows where to be and what to do, he makes rugby look pretty easy.
Eroni Sau made a couple of runs that had me thinking, “Duhan who?” Mesu Kunavula had me thinking “Bill who?” (until Bill came on right enough), but Kunavula is going to be a huge player for us.
The game against Glasgow will see a very different team, some front rank players will be back from rest and injury, but after a really poor season it was heartening to see these young guys play so well, hence my gushing – positives have been very rare this term.
oh and a post script, Luke Crosbie in this form is an awesome thing, he captained the side well
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Sorry, for the casual Embra reader – Sykes is a lock, he turned 20 a few months ago, Ben Muncaster (no8) is 19 (another North Berwick laddie, BB).
Matt Currie just turned 20, fly half Chamberlain was 21 last month.
Flanker Connor Boyle came on for a cameo and made a crucial, Mish-like turnover, he was 21 in February.
Sub scrum half Roan Frostwick is 20 and sub back three player Jack Blain also turned 21 in February – he’s looked very good at fullback this season
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………that age-group sounds exciting
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I was starting to swear at the TV in the first half ticht, but that was a really good second half. Crosbie put in a hell of a shift and a lot of the young guys showed up well.
Thought Chamberlain was ok, his place kicking was spot on, some good stuff and a few errors. Shiel mainly v good.
Only real complaint is should have got the BP and had a more comfortable scoreline but hey its a win
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Thanks Deebee, I enjoy a lot your travelogues ( is that a word?).
I’ve only been to North Africa, Sénégal and Bissau. Had a couple of experiences similar to the one you describe. Was stopped once at the customs with a bullet casing (I used it as a mock whistle for my crew) that I stupidly forgot in my trousers. Cell, search, threats etc.. Plane delayed by 2 hours, until I was brave enough to insert 20 $ in the passport they kept asking me for the umpteenth time. Wish I’d travelled more when it was much less risky. Ach…
Only three T14 games this week-end. Others’ve been cancelled due to more covid cases. Toulouse vs R92 should be a cracker.
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Yup, another top notch travelogue deebs
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Bennetton going well. Glasgow looking like a bunch of amateurs who turned up to the wrong game. So slow and passive
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Glasgow are so bad today
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Ha. I say that and they score.
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Benneton doing a challenge
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Looks like nowt to me
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Ref disagrees. Odd call if you ask me.
About 20 phases earlier, supposed high tackle. Can see myself getting very annoyed by this challenge rule
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And benetton score. Just not Glasgows day
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LI just managed to lose at the death to 14-man Quins.
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This is a proper humping. BB gonna be like mad
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If Glasgow play like this next week we’ll spank them
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Chimpie – I’d forgotten the game was on. Looked up the Warriors live game blog. Saw the score was 24-0 to Beneton. Watched Quins and Irish having a fight instead.
This season is basically a write-off – lots of young guys coming through, especially in the backs, and some of those could be pretty good in a year or so. A lot of the older guys we have are past their best. Edinburgh are probably starting their rebuild from a better base than we are.
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BB, there was a good core of experienced players, an all international front row, gray , Harvey, brown and Wilson in the loose 5. Johnson and grigg. They all looked really off the pace and there are some players with lions pretensions there.
Not to detract from benetton who were good.
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Don’t think there will be any Lions players from Glasgow. The closest would be Zander (red card may have cost him) and Huw Jones (loads of others in his positions who are more favoured).
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Is this a full strength match up between the Blue and Red meanies? Murray over for a 5 pointer?? Yes! Munster bossing it with a kid called Murray at 9 large and in charge. Might be a bolter for the Lions tour to Australia in 2025. 3-20 with 17 to go.
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Munster have been superb defending the line. Turning over mauls and tackling the man back. Great stuff!
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