the Not Johnny Clegg Story of Travel In Africa
It’s August ‘97 in Joburg, and the phone rings in my office with a hysterical voice on the other end shouting, “So you’re the one going to Cameroon with me? What do you know about it? You know you can’t eat the fruit and vegetables, or drink tap water? In fact, you can’t eat anything but chicken there. And they’re corrupt, hey – worst bladdy Africans I’ve ever met!”
My boss popped her head round the corner and smiled. “You’ve met Rob*, I see.” After a few more shouty reasons why I should never ‘set foot in Africa’ despite living in it, I got off the call and was told I would be doing my first trip into another African country. Cameroon! I was stunned and delighted. Other than an Eric Clapton concert in Swaziland (now Eswatini by royal decree), I’d never set foot outside of South Africa. Eswatini is very similar to the eastern parts of South Africa, culturally, scenically and otherwise, so it wasn’t a new experience for me really. Pedants sharpen your pitchforks.
I prepared quickly over the next few days, including being introduced to our host on a ten-day trip to introduce South Africa to the Cameroonian business community. It was in the first flush of South Africa’s reintegration into Africa after apartheid – heady days, filled with promise and excitement. Eric, our Cameroonian host was positioning Cameroon as the gateway for Saffer business into the Central African region, and naturally himself as the gateway to trade. I worked for our trade promotion agency in those days, fresh out of unemployment following a long stint tutoring at uni here. They really shot for the stars.
We gathered at the airport the next Sunday morning to fly to Douala, the commercial capital and main port of Cameroon and then get a connecting flight to Yaoundé, the political capital, for the start of the first conference on the Monday morning. I was in the first row of non-smoking on Air Cameroon. The Cameroon boxing team took up a few rows in front of me and were happily puffing on cigars before we’d taken off, posing with their trophies from the African championships. I declined asking them to stop.
Speaking of stops, it wasn’t a direct flight – we were landing in Harare, Zimbabwe first and then Kinshasa, in what was still Mabuto’s Zaire for a few more weeks, before reaching Douala. Rob was mercifully seated a few rows away form me and the plane was full, so no listening to him on route. We took off with little fanfare and the hostess arrived with a lovely selection of ice-cold beer – I settled on a 33 Export and she gave me three with a smile. That should do me for the trip I happily thought, waving away plumes of cheap cigar smoke.
Just over an hour later we began our descent into Harare airport through a monumental thunderstorm. I’ve seldom experienced anything like that since, with the 737 being flung about like a ragdoll by an African elephant – I honestly have no idea how the plane didn’t disintegrate. Suddenly we lurched out of the storm and careened towards the landing strip with a thump and a skid and shuddered along narrowly missing a C-130 transport plane that was on the tarmac.
We taxied up close to the terminal building in the little airport with the Congolese and Cameroonians singing and praising the pilot, the Zimbabweans happy to be getting off and the Saffers wondering what the hell they were getting themselves into. I looked across to the waiting families, prevented from wandering over to us by a single policeman and a one-foot fence. Typical scene I would learn, of white farmers in their blue shorts and t-shirts and black businessmen dressed in suits. That was before the land invasions.
A couple of ours later we were back in the air, headed for Kinshasa, a city as fabled as it is cursed and with the double curse in those days of Mabuto’s evil reign. Not much to see out the window when you fly over the tropics other than cloud and the occasional glimpse of forest below, so I settled into another three beers and lunch thinking that this travel malarkey was alright. A bit of a scare, sure, but lots of beer, entertaining passengers and no Rob near me.
A little later, as I started to doze off, the captain announced that we were descending to Njili International Airport in Kinshasa. We should not worry about the sharp, corkscrew nature of it, it was simply a precautionary measure as the rebels were apparently closing on Kinshasa fast and were known to take the odd pop at planes (may be paraphrasing that a bit). Hmm. Shit just got a bit real. We banked sharply and the delightful Ghanaian woman next to me took my mind off things by remarking that she didn’t realise Kinshasa was a coastal city (it isn’t). Then I saw it – the massive expanse of the Congo River, some 16km across at its widest, where we were coming in from. Magnificent!
I was glued to watching the river and tropical trees lining the river and airport as we landed, bumpily again, but possibly just avoiding potholes on the runway. Nothing, at all, ever, was built or maintained by the Mabuto regime in his decades of power, other than his bizarre jungle villas and the roads leading to them. We taxied to the arrivals and it was only then that I realised that other than a military plane, ours was the only one on the tarmac. It was eerily quiet, to begin with. Sitting next to the military aircraft that was being unloaded, we noticed that all the whisky crates had the ‘This Side Up’ arrows pointing firmly down, and they weren’t being handled with a great deal of care. Maybe Mabuto lost power through a lack of whisky? A commotion followed with military police storming the plane and dragging a guy off shouting in French as he protested his innocence. Stupid bugger had taken pictures of the aircraft and whisky and was arrested for being a spy.
We sat in the oppressive heat in silence for hour after hour. No inflight entertainment systems, no aircon. Nothing. Just the gentle click and fizz of beer cans opening. Then the distant sound of gunfire, followed by a more immediate sound of artillery. The smiling air hostess appeared again to assure us that we were safe. “The captain has established it is the war in other Congo you can hear and they very, very seldom fire shells across the river,” she beamed. Cue more beer. ‘Other Congo’ or Congo-Brazzaville is on the other side of the river, with Kinshasa and Brazzaville just 3km apart at their closest.
A sheepish Saffer (who else) got back on the plane after negotiating his release for being a spy and we were off again to much relief as we corkscrewed our way back into the air. We’d survived nearly hitting another plane in Harare and being caught in or near enough to a war in the Congo, maybe both of them. Surely we were home and dry! Surely? Well that’s a story for another time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a beer to crack.
*We’ll call him Rob for his own sanity and sanctity.
As relived by Deebee7
Onna telly this week
Friday 23rd April
| Stormers v Sharks | 18:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Bristol v Exeter | 19:45 | BT Sport1 |
| Ulster v Connacht | 20:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Edinburgh v Zebre | 20:15 | Premier Sports 1 |
Saturday 24th April
| Italy v Ireland (women) | 12:00 | BBC iPlayer/Red Button |
| London Irish v Harlequins | 12:30 | Channel 5 / BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso v Glasgow | 13:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| England v France (women) | 14:00 | BBC2 |
| Leicester v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Gloucester v Newcastle | 15:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Worcester v Sale | 15:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Bulls v Lions | 15:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Scotland v Wales (women) | 17:00 | BBC Scotland / Red Button / iPlayer |
| Ospreys v Cardiff | 17:15 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Leinster v Munster | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 25th April
| Dragons v Scarlets | 13:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Wasps v Bath | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
I prefer Curry at 6 though.
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Kebab at 630
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I was assured on another forum that Curry is an excellent lineout option. I definitely like having a third lineout jumper, Jamie Ritchie is another who provides that, though I don’t think he will be in the test side unfortunately
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Next year’s 6N fixtures
https://www.sixnationsrugby.com/2021/04/28/2022-guinness-six-nations-fixtures-announced/
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Curry’s good on his team’s ball but Beirne’s a menace on opposition ball. Given that SA’ll be stretched at lock and PS du Toit might not make it, it might be worth a punt. Mbonambi and Marx have both had games where they’ve lost it at line-out time, put the pressure on them. Ritchie could probably do it as well.
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hmm – wooden spoon face-off in Round 1
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(Also, I really really like Beirne. Think he’s a wonderful player)
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Work has been crazy busy this last while so I haven’t had the chance to read the article in the Graun that suggests Maro as Lions captain but don’t feel that should stop me offering an opinion, is he really suited for captaincy? His temperament and the number of penalties he was giving away during the 6nations suggest he’s more likely to get on the wrong side of the ref than anything else
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@Craigs – Lee from the Blood & Mud podcast has just done the digger/wacker/hard-core thing. The wistful joy in his voice, as he recounted driving a mini-digger was quite the thing.
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‘hmm – wooden spoon face-off in Round 1’
dissing Ireland and Wales, outrageous.
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Envious, craigs.
If I had both more time and more money I’d be mini-digging , hard-coring and whacking (steady, karl) all over my garden.
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turfing, too.
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TomP, with our two locks PSDT and Vermeulen I’d say we’re OK at lineout time. Faf as a 5th option. He’s unstoppable.
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Du Toit apparently back in full training and will be available for the Lions tour.
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“Shopper ranks every bay of car park at Bromley Sainsbury’s”
https://www.newsshopper.co.uk/news/19264339.shopper-ranks-every-bay-car-park-bromley-sainsburys/
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Arlene oot!
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“just done the digger/wacker/hard-core thing”
English pervert.
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“turfing, too”
Scottish pervert.
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“Arlene”
Thieving Norngibbon.
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I’d like to see you call her that to her very British face.
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“I’d like to see you call her that to her very British face.”
Northern Irish pervert.
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*CMW’s Lesson for the Week*
Never assume people will give you what you want.
This was a lesson learned in the circumstances of holding a pot under a small child, the doctor in the Paediatric Emergency Department having requested a urine sample and the child having declared the non-specific need to go to the toilet.
It is nevertheless a lesson that could be seen as more widely appliccable.
*Here Endeth CMW’s Lesson for the Week*
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CMW on fire! Pervert.
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“CMW on fire!”
I thought I was under fire as there was a noise like a gunshot. Was a relief to discover I was just holding a bowl of shit in my shit-covered hand.
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Seems like Handre Pollard is likely to be fit for the Lions tour as well, which is superb news for us, what with people punting Damian Willemse for the 10 berth. Helluva talented player, but prone to brain farts, especially under pressure. Not as much pressure as CMW’s mob though.
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Only 8 days or so until lionz squad announcment. Ooh the tension.
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Scotland playing an ‘A’ game against someone unspecified then going to Goergia & Romania this summer.
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Mike Blair to be interim heid coach
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I’d like to see some solid wins with blooding of new and fringe players, however, taking on board CMW’s life lesson who knows what we’ll get.
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Chimpie, one interesting little side story is Schoey and when he qualifies. I see from itsrugby that he played his last game for the Blue Bulls on the 30th of June, I don’t know when he got to Edinburgh but;
“The three matches will see Scotland A play opponents, who have yet to be confirmed, in late June before the full national team heads to Europe to face Romania on 10 July and Georgia on 17 July in Test matches. ”
So, if the timing is right, he would be available for one or both of those.
He’s behind Sutherland and possibly behind Kebble now, as his form has dropped off a little these last few months.
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“taking on board CMW’s life lesson who knows what we’ll get.”
We Scotland supporters have been used to pots of poo for years now.
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True enough.
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Chimpie/Refit- We have been doing turfing. We’ll, Mrs Craigs moved a path and moved some turf.
The digger is to dig in a trampoline and for a pool. Before you get all lah dee fucking dah, it’s one of those above ground american pools that you can dig in. About the same price as the holiday we aren’t taking this year.
I just spoke to my builder and he’s going to let me borrow his cement mixer too.
My weekend is shaping up to be like an age appropriate version of this:
https://www.johnlewis.com/playmobil-city-action-70443-small-excavator/p5097515
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Henry Immelman (me neither) signs for Edinburgh from Montpellier.
From what I can gather he has made 50 appearances for them over 5 years. He has played centre, wing and fullback. He didn’t seem to make any impact in his native South Africa, but he is a graduate of Grey College, which I’ve read TomP speak about.
in short, squad player by the looks of things.
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Imagine he’s cheap.
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Only have vague recollections of Immelman playing Varsity Cup matches. May be confusing him with either another Immelman oR another Henry for that matter.
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Is anyone else having an issue with their text going outside the box? Weird.
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@Craigs
Just in case you are not aware…….. (apologies if I’m teaching my granny etc)
If you dig in a pool make sure you always keep it at least half full (possibly more).
Why? If you have it empty for too long* the ground (especially if it clay or the local water table is high) will effectively reject it.
If at all possible, make sure it is anchored firmly at the bottom and that the walls are reinforced so they don’t collapse**
* depends on local conditions
** see *
……..only me……..
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Deebs
not me – using windows10 and Google
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Slade – thanks, no worries. It’s only going to be about a meter deep which is above the water table. Also, the pool self contained (you can theoretically plonk it anywhere) within metal walls (like a huge bowl), so even if the water table rose is wouldn’t get in the pool if you see what I mean.
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Deebs
Jacques Vermeulen has gone really well at Exeter – a key player now. Really impressive motor and directness.
Jannes Kirsten has dropped back a bit……..was brilliant to start with……I’m sure he’ll come back ‘though. Again, a great motor and directness. Gets whistled a bit for high tackles or at rucks since this year’s regulations came in.
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@Craigs
ok – good luck – when’s the skinny-dip party?
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Metre deep. Just ’cause you bought a ‘Murican pool don’t mean y’all need to write like ’em.
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Slade – Vermeulen is a hard grafter from the Paarl region. Good farming stock, always give you their all. Kirsten was born in Joburg, but lost direction and ended up in Pretoria where he learned the art of the cheap shot at the Bulls. All makes perfect sense.
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Slade – every day.
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ticht, he was a really good schoolboy player but like EW Viljoen, who was a year ahead of him at Grey, never quite done the business as a pro. I saw him play live once for Grey v Affies in Pretoria. Was excited about watching him but unfortunately he broke his jaw after about 20 minutes.
He got sent off in a Euro game earlier this season – maybe v Wasps.
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The Grey boy Scotland should be keeping their eyes on is Alec McIntyre, a centre for their seconds. He looks very capable and still has another year left in school.
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Tom, it was indeed the Champs Cup game against Wasps where Immelman was sent off.
I saw him described as “a cracking signing for them (Edinburgh)” by a guy on the Glasgow forum who watches the T14 a lot.
I hope that is the case, our previous signing from Montpellier went well enough.
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He’s more like Kinghorn than van der Merwe.
A Grey first-teamer or even a Cherries player (their 2nds) will be good and really well coached. It’s difficult to say which will make it because the sides are so organised and know each other so well that the rugby they play is excellent.
Young McIntyre is also a scrum half, by the by.
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Saffer part of the Rainbow Cup gets underway this weekend. Think the Sharks will have too much for ponderous Province (Stormers) and the Bulls will overwhelm the now firmly regressed to the mean Lions. For a few glorious years, we were kings of the jungle. Now we’re just about acceptable for canned hunting.
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