the Not Johnny Clegg Story of Travel In Africa
We climbed quickly into the air and escaped the clutches of Kinshasa below us, with Brazza rapidly fading behind us too as we headed towards Douala and sanity. It’s a relatively short flight, across Congo-Brazza, Gabon, and I would imagine Equatorial Guinea, before getting to Cameroon. There was the odd bit of turbulence as we flew into the darkness of a tropical night, the sun setting very quickly in Africa, no dilly-dallying like in Europe. We were to transfer from the international side to the domestic side and get a flight to Yaoundé from there, with our host Eric, who would provide our visas on arrival. Douala soon appeared on the horizon, lights flickering in the distance, a reassuring sign that we were on track. Then they disappeared. Just for a couple of minutes, then reappeared. If we’re being blocked by mountains, I thought, we’re pretty fucking low to the ground. But the lights were well below us – it was just a normal night of patchy electricity, with generators kicking in whenever the power failed. Which was often.
We landed without problems and soon made our way into the arrivals hall. Rob and his Gabonese business partner rounded us up, including a young woman from South Africa’s tourism board, who spoke fluent French, having grown up in exile in Paris and attended a swanky school there, she told me. Several times. Where was Eric? We needed our visas and clearance to get to the domestic flight. Turns out his flight from Yaoundé had been cancelled due to bad weather. No visas, no entry. No power, no lights. And every time the lights came back on, the South Africans were clear to everyone – diving on their luggage to make sure nobody stole it in the dark. For shame! After a couple of hours of hanging around the humid arrivals desk, our Gabonese colleague arguing with the officials in a combination of French and English, with a few choice Zulu and Afrikaans swearwords thrown in, had managed to get us out of the airport and off to a hotel for the night, our connecting flight having long since departed. Only problem, we had to leave our passports behind.
We headed to the Akwa Palace Hotel, not too far away and close to the Wouri River, where logs were floated down from the interior, destined mainly for China. It was late by now and everything was closed. Our host managed to get a chef and waitress to serve us dinner. “Just remember – everything makes you sick, so stick to overcooked chicken!” Rob hissed in my ear. I looked at the menu, and asked the waitress what she’d recommend. “The ndolé! It’s delicious!” was the immediate, infectious response. I was sold. It’s basically a wild spinach that is cooked in a variety of different ways depending on location and culture. Mine came with chillies, shrimp and peanuts. It was superb. I got lost in the tastes as Rob was demanding sauce to make his overcooked chicken palatable. He lathered it on the leathery fowl and launched into it, before lunging for a beer and gulping it down as the piri-piri sauce caught his throat. Once he’d stopped choking, he shut up for a bit. What a win!
Before dawn the next morning we got into our air-conditioned 4×4 and started the five hour, 230km trip to Yaoundé, Cameroon’s capital city. We’d arrived about two weeks before the elections, held faithfully every seven years by incumbent Paul Biya in the solid knowledge that they’re rigged in his favour and France prefers him in power to the unknown*. What it did mean, though, was that as we traversed the countryside, we hit army roadblocks every 20 or 30 kilometres. The process was simple: the driver drove as fast as he could through the winding roads of the forest and open grasslands, overtaking massive logging trucks and petrol hauliers without much thought for what may be coming the other way, at equally breakneck speed; hooting at everything in sight, through small villages with timber houses, some painted brightly, others not, scattering chickens, children and goats as he went. As the rudimentary roadblocks loomed – a plank with nine-inch nails facing upwards and soldiers with AK-47s manning them in case you decide to skip them – he would swear, screech to a halt and put his subservient smiley face on. Because we didn’t have our passports back yet. No sweat, he calmly gave his identity card and a wad of cash at each stop and we were on our way again. In retrospect, we were beyond lucky that we weren’t locked up for days or weeks on end while the issue was sorted out, but yours truly was filled with the bonhomie of a man released from the shame of apartheid, and faith in the humanity of all people. Basically, a naïve idiot. But it was this trip, careening through the rainforests, our driver and minder** regaling stories of Roger Milla and other football heroes, the forests flying by with stunning majesty, smells, sounds and lighting, with Manu Dibango, Salif Keita and Youssou N’Dour for company, that cemented my love for the continent, my people and its music. I can still smell those rainforests whenever I hear that music. I can still recall the arguments about which of the Biyiks was the better footballer. Magical.
We arrived in Yaoundé just before 9 am, so just in time for the start of the main conference to cement ties between South Africa and Cameroon. We sat at the podium, with yours truly to do the introductory speech, much to my horror. We waited patiently for the local dignitaries to arrive. Then took a coffee break at 10am. By 11am, when the local governor and minister of trade had decided which of them would enter last to the greater fanfare, we got underway. Sort of. We had to wait for the TV crews to get back from their own break and then repeat the sweeping entrances and ovations. That done, brief introductory speeches out of the way, it was time for lunch.***
Host Eric was in fine fettle by now, with coverage on national television assured, and took us to an ‘eco-lodge’ for lunch. It was a beautiful wooden house perched on top of a hill looking across tropical forests as far as the eye could see. It was built from the trees that once inhabited the hill and the now lack of vegetation was creating serious erosion, which the owner, who wanted to build another twenty of them on the hills around there, seemed oblivious to. Lunch was great though – donkey, pork and goat meat skewers presented on a grooved wooden platter with different spices in each groove. You rolled your skewer in whichever one you wanted, and they then grilled it for you. Served with deep-fried plantains, now a firm favourite of mine and washed down with a small 33 Export. Back to the hotel just in time for the coffee break.
By this stage, trouble was brewing in paradise, with Rob and his sidekick demanding our passports back and accusing Eric of effectively holding us hostage. Eric was incensed, accusing them of wanting a free trip that they were simply using for their own business. I stayed out of it, figuring that he who holds the passport is king. And he also had my plane ticket. The afternoon flew past, with recriminations replaced by reconciliations and renewed animosity by turn, but I was meeting with great people, many of whom were interested in sending their kids to South African universities. I was happy to oblige, having recently been at one and helped them with entrance requirements on return.
Eric then introduced me to a good friend of his – the CEO of the local branch of one of the world’s largest tobacco companies. We were soon off to his aunt’s fantastic restaurant* for dinner, with a bunch of South African Air Force pilots for company as well. They were training the Cameroon Air Force, but seldom got into the skies because of the weather, so spent most of their time drinking in the hotel. And then being grounded because they weren’t in any condition to fly. Dinner was sublime, again, with a variety of seafood, meats, vegetables and casava concoctions that I can’t remember the names of. The rest of the week followed a fairly similar pattern of torturous Cameroonian hierarchy politics, wasted time, great meetings, better food and excellent company. Time to head back to Douala and the final leg of our journey – still (worryingly) no passports in sight.
*Sorry Flair, that was the distinct impression given to us at the time, and it persists today!
**We imagined he was just there to keep us safe from harm, but was in fact Secret Service assigned to us to make sure we weren’t spying on the elections, we found out much later.
***I think you’re getting to understand that I’m a victim of largesse in all of this and lunches were thrust one me at an early age.
As digested by Deebee7
Onna telly this week
Friday 30th April
| Leicester v Ulster | 20:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| France v England (women) | 20:00 | BBC iPlayer/Red Button |
Saturday 1st May
| Stormers v Sharks | 13:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Toulouse v Bordeaux | 15:00 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 3 |
| Bulls v Lions | 18:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Bath v Montpellier | 20:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 2nd May
| La Rochelle v Leinster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Tomp – I’m not shifting the goalposts. I never made 2017 the goalpost. My point was that Labour currently don’t connect and generally haven’t since Gordon Brown. And even then GB called someone a racist in full view of everyone so maybe I’m being too nice.
You have chosen one example where they did better but still lost. And then you point to Labour’s performance since 1997 being generally bad. Which I attribute, in part, to an inability to connect with voters.
So I think we more or less agree?
LikeLike
Got to be in power to do stuff.
Not that I’ve particularly got a dog in this fight. Just sayin’
LikeLike
Tories know how to get the message across. Especially at 1min 44 seconds into this video
LikeLike
Brown won 29% of the vote in 2010. Labour got over 40% in 2017. The key part is what did they do right in 2017 and it can’t just be “Theresa May” as she increased the Tory share of the vote as well.
Also, my mistake earlier Ed Milliband also increased the share of the vote in 2015 to 30.4% but lost 26 seats (and, more importantly, Scotland).
LikeLike
@Chimpie – Of course. But now that in part through using the Blair route to power (along with changes in the wider world of course) Labour no longer has its historical base to try win from (or at least no longer has it to the extent it did) a new route needs to be identified.
LikeLike
Tomp – so I was being too nice.
LikeLike
Looking at the list candidates for the Scottish Elections is fascinating. Some of the examples:
The Abolish the Scottish Parliament Party: End devolution & turn the parliament building into a museum for the british armed forces
Freedom Alliance: covid conspiracists
Scottish Family Party: christian fundies – stop sex ed & abortion, whilst also stopping state interference in family life
Scottish Libertarian party: Tax=theft, stop lockdowns
SDP: original SDP apparently
UKIP: platform similar to the AtSPP – they might steal votes off each other.
LikeLike
@Craigs – Well ‘Tiger Patel’ won, but the reality of his message is that his ward is underfunded. That’ll be because his council is underfunded and that’s because of arseholes like him.
LikeLiked by 1 person
@Chimpie – I can see what the rest are doing there, but what’s the point of the SDP?
LikeLike
@CMW
SDP: ‘social market’ economy & English parliament with equivalent powers to Holyrood apparently
others I missed out:
Galloway & his ‘All for Unity’ brigade (anti-SNP basically)
Animal welfare party: self evident
Communist party of britain: ditto
Reform UK (formerly brexit party): No more lockdowns!
LikeLike
‘the last 11 general elections read: lose, lose, lose, lose, Blair, Blair, Blair, lose, lose, lose, lose.’
So regression to the mean. I think we can all agree now that FD is Mandelson.
LikeLiked by 2 people
“English parliament with equivalent powers to Holyrood”
The Scottish Parliament is definitely the place to bring this about.
LikeLike
‘Johnson says Tories doing well because they’ve focused on ‘people’s priorities”
War with France and enriching his mates. Everyone’s priorities.
LikeLiked by 4 people
Cmw – years reality of his message was a cocktail and balls drawn on a children’s playground.
LikeLike
Fucking autocorrect.
LikeLike
The reality of his message was a cock and balls drawn on a children’s playground.
LikeLike
You can say that again
LikeLike
CMW, 10 minutes to UCC v Prague CC Rooks. This could be the win.
LikeLike
@craigs
He won precisely zero general elections.
LikeLike
Ot – see subsequent qualifications.
LikeLike
@TomP – I’ll have to stay off here and watch it later!
LikeLike
Real Rugby tonight:
Glasgow vs Edinburgh
Munster vs Ulster
Sale vs Leicester
LikeLike
‘Glasgow vs Edinburgh’
3 lionz in action
LikeLike
Lions-studded Exeter team to play Worcester, Saturday:
15 Stuart Hogg, 14 Jack Nowell, 13 Henry Slade, 12 Ollie Devoto, 11 Tom O’Flaherty
10 Joe Simmonds (capt), 9 Jack Maunder
1 Alec Hepburn, 2 Luke Cowan-Dickie, 3 Tomas Francis
4 Jonny Gray, 5 Sam Skinner
6 Dave Ewers, 7 Jacques Vermeulen, 8 Sam Simmonds
16 Jack Yeandle, 17 Ben Moon, 18 Harry Williams, 19 Sean Lonsdale, 20 Richard Capstick, 21 Stu Townsend, 22 Harvey Skinner, 23 Ian Whitten
Full strength for beginning of the run-in.
Hope selected Lions don’t get hurt now. 2 or 3 others who must be disappointed need to get their heads down and be their very best – unfortunately there will be Lions squad injuries before the Tour starts.
Jonny Hill minor injury.
LikeLike
Varsity Shield on at the moment (2nd division Uni rugby), for those looking for Real Rugby.
LikeLike
Animal welfare party
Specifically llamas.
LikeLike
i can neither confirm nor deny any links to said party.
LikeLiked by 1 person
SNP 5, LDs 1 so far.
LikeLike
“the last 11 general elections read: lose, lose, lose, lose, Blair, Blair, Blair, lose, lose, lose, lose.”
The Labour leaders in the last 11 General Elections:
Attacked by The Sun, Attacked by The Sun, Attacked by The Sun, Attacked by The Sun, Godfather to Rupert Murdoch’s Kids, Godfather to Rupert Murdoch’s Kids, Godfather to Rupert Murdoch’s Kids, Attacked by The Sun, Attacked by The Sun, Attacked by The Sun, Attacked by The Sun,
Coincidence
LikeLiked by 2 people
Interestingly the SNP gets a regular kicking by virtually all the main news outlets especially Murdoch media yet isn’t doing too badly.
LikeLike
Different country innit.
LikeLike
Gloucester Rugby for game against Saints on Saturday.
15. Kyle Moyle
14. Louis Rees-Zammit *
13. Giorgi Kveseladze
12. Mark Atkinson
11. Santiago Carreras
10. Billy Twelvetrees
9. Charlie Chapman *
1. Val Rapava-Ruskin
2. Jack Singleton
3. Fraser Balmain
4. Ed Slater
5. Matias Alemanno
6. Jordy Reid
7. Lewis Ludlow (c) *
8. Ruan Ackermann
16. Santiago Socino
17. Jamal Ford-Robinson
18. Bryan O’Connor
19. Ben Morgan
20. Jack Clement *
21. Willi Heinz
22. George Barton *
23. Tom Seabrook *
LikeLike
Pfft. Only one lion
LikeLike
Two. Billy Twelvetrees and LRZ.
LikeLike
@Chimpie – I guess that’s down to having the one main point of difference plus the make-up of who supports them. As far as I can see they’ve got a mixture of the diehards that they’ve had since way back and a load of former Labour supporters. The former group will stick with them whatever and the main opposition for the latter aren’t supported by the media either. I don’t imagine many former Labour voters would necessarily switch back regardless as they’ve converted to the cause (can’t say I blame them really), but some might have done. I guess it’s also complicated by the choice confronted if you’re an out and out Unionist but a Labour supporter. It’s pretty obvious that any chance of Labour getting into power is likely to have to involve some sort of deal with the SNP so where does that leave you?
Of course we never got to find out whether a return to something more like ‘old Labour’ values would help as Scottish Labour seemed to stick to Blairite third-way shite and individual careerism through most of it. I doubt if it would have made too much difference though.
LikeLike
Twelvetrees is a lion?
LikeLike
13-2. One gain from Lab.
LikeLike
Didn’t get on the pitch, but toured, replacement I think ? 2013 ?
LikeLike
tirty-six to you, mush
LikeLike
SBT, Played twice. He gets mention at 1 minute 56 here:
LikeLike
Tomp – some great commentary there.
LikeLike
If the unionists want to secure Scotland they need to re-energise Labour as a major political force there, the Tories are only ever going to alienate Scottish voters, the last time there was a Tory majority was in the 1950s, and there won’t be too many voters left alive from that time.
Forever is a long time of course, but I can’t see this current lot of Brexit Ultras and Lord Snoot Tories doing much in Scotland.
Same with Wales, from what I gather, support for being in charge of their own destiny is bigger now than at any time in the past, according to something I saw the other day.
It’s only a matter of time before Ireland becomes the one country, the demographics are moving that way.
LikeLike
Charlie Chapman has a great name, even better than if it were Chaplin.
Benetton may have rescued my Bru pick there
LikeLike
Quite a bit of DNA in Glasgow tonight by the sounds of things
LikeLike
Zebra ruining tichts bru
LikeLike
Puts glasgows recent humping at the hands of benetton into perspective . They can’t be that bad again Shirley?
LikeLike
Ha. Spoke too soon
LikeLike
What’s the score Chimpie?
I’ve switched over to The Big One
LikeLike
“They can’t be that bad again Shirley?”
One can only hope so, just once more
These are usually very close games, though.
LikeLike
25 to 20 in the end
LikeLike