the Not Johnny Clegg Story of Travel In Africa
We climbed quickly into the air and escaped the clutches of Kinshasa below us, with Brazza rapidly fading behind us too as we headed towards Douala and sanity. It’s a relatively short flight, across Congo-Brazza, Gabon, and I would imagine Equatorial Guinea, before getting to Cameroon. There was the odd bit of turbulence as we flew into the darkness of a tropical night, the sun setting very quickly in Africa, no dilly-dallying like in Europe. We were to transfer from the international side to the domestic side and get a flight to Yaoundé from there, with our host Eric, who would provide our visas on arrival. Douala soon appeared on the horizon, lights flickering in the distance, a reassuring sign that we were on track. Then they disappeared. Just for a couple of minutes, then reappeared. If we’re being blocked by mountains, I thought, we’re pretty fucking low to the ground. But the lights were well below us – it was just a normal night of patchy electricity, with generators kicking in whenever the power failed. Which was often.
We landed without problems and soon made our way into the arrivals hall. Rob and his Gabonese business partner rounded us up, including a young woman from South Africa’s tourism board, who spoke fluent French, having grown up in exile in Paris and attended a swanky school there, she told me. Several times. Where was Eric? We needed our visas and clearance to get to the domestic flight. Turns out his flight from Yaoundé had been cancelled due to bad weather. No visas, no entry. No power, no lights. And every time the lights came back on, the South Africans were clear to everyone – diving on their luggage to make sure nobody stole it in the dark. For shame! After a couple of hours of hanging around the humid arrivals desk, our Gabonese colleague arguing with the officials in a combination of French and English, with a few choice Zulu and Afrikaans swearwords thrown in, had managed to get us out of the airport and off to a hotel for the night, our connecting flight having long since departed. Only problem, we had to leave our passports behind.
We headed to the Akwa Palace Hotel, not too far away and close to the Wouri River, where logs were floated down from the interior, destined mainly for China. It was late by now and everything was closed. Our host managed to get a chef and waitress to serve us dinner. “Just remember – everything makes you sick, so stick to overcooked chicken!” Rob hissed in my ear. I looked at the menu, and asked the waitress what she’d recommend. “The ndolé! It’s delicious!” was the immediate, infectious response. I was sold. It’s basically a wild spinach that is cooked in a variety of different ways depending on location and culture. Mine came with chillies, shrimp and peanuts. It was superb. I got lost in the tastes as Rob was demanding sauce to make his overcooked chicken palatable. He lathered it on the leathery fowl and launched into it, before lunging for a beer and gulping it down as the piri-piri sauce caught his throat. Once he’d stopped choking, he shut up for a bit. What a win!
Before dawn the next morning we got into our air-conditioned 4×4 and started the five hour, 230km trip to Yaoundé, Cameroon’s capital city. We’d arrived about two weeks before the elections, held faithfully every seven years by incumbent Paul Biya in the solid knowledge that they’re rigged in his favour and France prefers him in power to the unknown*. What it did mean, though, was that as we traversed the countryside, we hit army roadblocks every 20 or 30 kilometres. The process was simple: the driver drove as fast as he could through the winding roads of the forest and open grasslands, overtaking massive logging trucks and petrol hauliers without much thought for what may be coming the other way, at equally breakneck speed; hooting at everything in sight, through small villages with timber houses, some painted brightly, others not, scattering chickens, children and goats as he went. As the rudimentary roadblocks loomed – a plank with nine-inch nails facing upwards and soldiers with AK-47s manning them in case you decide to skip them – he would swear, screech to a halt and put his subservient smiley face on. Because we didn’t have our passports back yet. No sweat, he calmly gave his identity card and a wad of cash at each stop and we were on our way again. In retrospect, we were beyond lucky that we weren’t locked up for days or weeks on end while the issue was sorted out, but yours truly was filled with the bonhomie of a man released from the shame of apartheid, and faith in the humanity of all people. Basically, a naïve idiot. But it was this trip, careening through the rainforests, our driver and minder** regaling stories of Roger Milla and other football heroes, the forests flying by with stunning majesty, smells, sounds and lighting, with Manu Dibango, Salif Keita and Youssou N’Dour for company, that cemented my love for the continent, my people and its music. I can still smell those rainforests whenever I hear that music. I can still recall the arguments about which of the Biyiks was the better footballer. Magical.
We arrived in Yaoundé just before 9 am, so just in time for the start of the main conference to cement ties between South Africa and Cameroon. We sat at the podium, with yours truly to do the introductory speech, much to my horror. We waited patiently for the local dignitaries to arrive. Then took a coffee break at 10am. By 11am, when the local governor and minister of trade had decided which of them would enter last to the greater fanfare, we got underway. Sort of. We had to wait for the TV crews to get back from their own break and then repeat the sweeping entrances and ovations. That done, brief introductory speeches out of the way, it was time for lunch.***
Host Eric was in fine fettle by now, with coverage on national television assured, and took us to an ‘eco-lodge’ for lunch. It was a beautiful wooden house perched on top of a hill looking across tropical forests as far as the eye could see. It was built from the trees that once inhabited the hill and the now lack of vegetation was creating serious erosion, which the owner, who wanted to build another twenty of them on the hills around there, seemed oblivious to. Lunch was great though – donkey, pork and goat meat skewers presented on a grooved wooden platter with different spices in each groove. You rolled your skewer in whichever one you wanted, and they then grilled it for you. Served with deep-fried plantains, now a firm favourite of mine and washed down with a small 33 Export. Back to the hotel just in time for the coffee break.
By this stage, trouble was brewing in paradise, with Rob and his sidekick demanding our passports back and accusing Eric of effectively holding us hostage. Eric was incensed, accusing them of wanting a free trip that they were simply using for their own business. I stayed out of it, figuring that he who holds the passport is king. And he also had my plane ticket. The afternoon flew past, with recriminations replaced by reconciliations and renewed animosity by turn, but I was meeting with great people, many of whom were interested in sending their kids to South African universities. I was happy to oblige, having recently been at one and helped them with entrance requirements on return.
Eric then introduced me to a good friend of his – the CEO of the local branch of one of the world’s largest tobacco companies. We were soon off to his aunt’s fantastic restaurant* for dinner, with a bunch of South African Air Force pilots for company as well. They were training the Cameroon Air Force, but seldom got into the skies because of the weather, so spent most of their time drinking in the hotel. And then being grounded because they weren’t in any condition to fly. Dinner was sublime, again, with a variety of seafood, meats, vegetables and casava concoctions that I can’t remember the names of. The rest of the week followed a fairly similar pattern of torturous Cameroonian hierarchy politics, wasted time, great meetings, better food and excellent company. Time to head back to Douala and the final leg of our journey – still (worryingly) no passports in sight.
*Sorry Flair, that was the distinct impression given to us at the time, and it persists today!
**We imagined he was just there to keep us safe from harm, but was in fact Secret Service assigned to us to make sure we weren’t spying on the elections, we found out much later.
***I think you’re getting to understand that I’m a victim of largesse in all of this and lunches were thrust one me at an early age.
As digested by Deebee7
Onna telly this week
Friday 30th April
| Leicester v Ulster | 20:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| France v England (women) | 20:00 | BBC iPlayer/Red Button |
Saturday 1st May
| Stormers v Sharks | 13:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Toulouse v Bordeaux | 15:00 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 3 |
| Bulls v Lions | 18:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Bath v Montpellier | 20:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 2nd May
| La Rochelle v Leinster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
‘Mon ra Weedgies!
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Ulster cruising to a comfortable 0-3 lead early on. Bit of handbags.
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Spoke too soon. Munster score.
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Apologies for the late entry, been listening to The Highwaymen and sipping on Laphroaig. A beautiful, deadly combination. 0-0 suggests I haven’t missed too much in Glasgow.
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Feisty
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Winning!
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Silly frazer
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Frazer Broon special
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Bastard Murray scores again.
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Ulster have made a couple of last-gasp saves, but looks like they will get annihilated.
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Hanrahan misses a sitter penalty!
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It is windy, mind.
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See Bennett’s got a red! Correct decision?
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Sale imploding here. One yellow already this half, another one AND a penalty try for Leicester.
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It was close BB, the initial hit was on the ball, so Price whipped back, but Bennett’s shoulder slipped up and got Price’ s chin, so it was red right enough
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Addison gets a red card. What’s next after annihilation?
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Labour In Hartlepool?
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And Munster score….
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BB – heh. I think the council elections are possibly worse.
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19-3 at HT, with Addison still to serve most of his 20 mins.
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And we’re lucky it’s not worse.
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Red for Kebble now, elbowed Pyrgos inna puss
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Embra down to 13?!?!?
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Ach. Forgetting which South African forward plays for which team here.
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Ulster score!
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Somehow Glasgow lead at half time.
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Shite, just realised that there’s an Emmylou Harris doc on BBC4 just now. Will need to catch up with it on Iplayer.
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Cooney was replaced by Shanahan at HT, not sure why. Ulster doing well to hold on here. Actually have possession at the mo.
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Scannell intercepts, and that’s the BPT.
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And another. Fuckers.
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Ulster basically looking like cute wee baby bunnies in the headlights for most of the match.
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Price is playing very well in
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In?
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Typical, Glasgow decide to turn up tonight
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Great save tagive
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Well done the weedge
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Yay! A win! A bloody win!
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PUNJABI FOOOOOD!!!!
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As fans of UCC like to chant when their team wins.
For the first time.
Ever.
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Cmw – it’s very good food.
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@Craigs – You thought they were Nazis earlier so I don’t respect your opinion.
The game had some wonderful moments. My man Sharma dropped an easy catch, letting it hit him in the beard instead. Joshi’s run out was a wonderful example of someone giving up less than halfway through the run and the last over where the bowler managed to find himself in the position of having conceded twelve runs from no legitimate deliveries was glorious.
I would replace the current government (UK/Scottish/Welsh, take your pick) with the UCC team at a stroke.
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“Cooney was replaced by Shanahan at HT, not sure why. ”
Sorry to break this to you Thaum, but it was because he wanted to watch the Emmylou Harris documentary.
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Cmw – nazis with excellent culinary skills.
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Lions analysis from Squidge. Main things to note:
– number 8s chosen for their wide running skills
– back 5 forwards chosen for lineout prowess
– centres chosen for their bosh to make up for the wide number 8s
– backs chosen for breakdown skills
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@cmw
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Do you think Squidge could get a job writing about rugby on the Graun? He seems to be able to spot things and analyse things far better than Kitson and the rest.
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@bb
You’re right that he’s a better analyst than those you mention. But his earning potential is probably much higher working through social media than for a platform like the Guardian. Plus he’s his own boss so can do things in how own weird style, which is part of his schtick.
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UCC on again. Double Sharma at the mo.
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Crusaders beat the Chiefs in their final this morning, predictably, running out 24-13 winners. Brumbies are 3-7 up in Queensland and making most of the running in the 15 minutes I’ve seen. Lucky to 15 on the field mind you, after a neck roll tackle that could easily have been yellow.
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If the Brumbies 14 paid as much attention to his kicking skills as to his facial hair and man bun he’d be superb.
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