the Not Johnny Clegg Story of Travel In Africa
We climbed quickly into the air and escaped the clutches of Kinshasa below us, with Brazza rapidly fading behind us too as we headed towards Douala and sanity. It’s a relatively short flight, across Congo-Brazza, Gabon, and I would imagine Equatorial Guinea, before getting to Cameroon. There was the odd bit of turbulence as we flew into the darkness of a tropical night, the sun setting very quickly in Africa, no dilly-dallying like in Europe. We were to transfer from the international side to the domestic side and get a flight to Yaoundé from there, with our host Eric, who would provide our visas on arrival. Douala soon appeared on the horizon, lights flickering in the distance, a reassuring sign that we were on track. Then they disappeared. Just for a couple of minutes, then reappeared. If we’re being blocked by mountains, I thought, we’re pretty fucking low to the ground. But the lights were well below us – it was just a normal night of patchy electricity, with generators kicking in whenever the power failed. Which was often.
We landed without problems and soon made our way into the arrivals hall. Rob and his Gabonese business partner rounded us up, including a young woman from South Africa’s tourism board, who spoke fluent French, having grown up in exile in Paris and attended a swanky school there, she told me. Several times. Where was Eric? We needed our visas and clearance to get to the domestic flight. Turns out his flight from Yaoundé had been cancelled due to bad weather. No visas, no entry. No power, no lights. And every time the lights came back on, the South Africans were clear to everyone – diving on their luggage to make sure nobody stole it in the dark. For shame! After a couple of hours of hanging around the humid arrivals desk, our Gabonese colleague arguing with the officials in a combination of French and English, with a few choice Zulu and Afrikaans swearwords thrown in, had managed to get us out of the airport and off to a hotel for the night, our connecting flight having long since departed. Only problem, we had to leave our passports behind.
We headed to the Akwa Palace Hotel, not too far away and close to the Wouri River, where logs were floated down from the interior, destined mainly for China. It was late by now and everything was closed. Our host managed to get a chef and waitress to serve us dinner. “Just remember – everything makes you sick, so stick to overcooked chicken!” Rob hissed in my ear. I looked at the menu, and asked the waitress what she’d recommend. “The ndolé! It’s delicious!” was the immediate, infectious response. I was sold. It’s basically a wild spinach that is cooked in a variety of different ways depending on location and culture. Mine came with chillies, shrimp and peanuts. It was superb. I got lost in the tastes as Rob was demanding sauce to make his overcooked chicken palatable. He lathered it on the leathery fowl and launched into it, before lunging for a beer and gulping it down as the piri-piri sauce caught his throat. Once he’d stopped choking, he shut up for a bit. What a win!
Before dawn the next morning we got into our air-conditioned 4×4 and started the five hour, 230km trip to Yaoundé, Cameroon’s capital city. We’d arrived about two weeks before the elections, held faithfully every seven years by incumbent Paul Biya in the solid knowledge that they’re rigged in his favour and France prefers him in power to the unknown*. What it did mean, though, was that as we traversed the countryside, we hit army roadblocks every 20 or 30 kilometres. The process was simple: the driver drove as fast as he could through the winding roads of the forest and open grasslands, overtaking massive logging trucks and petrol hauliers without much thought for what may be coming the other way, at equally breakneck speed; hooting at everything in sight, through small villages with timber houses, some painted brightly, others not, scattering chickens, children and goats as he went. As the rudimentary roadblocks loomed – a plank with nine-inch nails facing upwards and soldiers with AK-47s manning them in case you decide to skip them – he would swear, screech to a halt and put his subservient smiley face on. Because we didn’t have our passports back yet. No sweat, he calmly gave his identity card and a wad of cash at each stop and we were on our way again. In retrospect, we were beyond lucky that we weren’t locked up for days or weeks on end while the issue was sorted out, but yours truly was filled with the bonhomie of a man released from the shame of apartheid, and faith in the humanity of all people. Basically, a naïve idiot. But it was this trip, careening through the rainforests, our driver and minder** regaling stories of Roger Milla and other football heroes, the forests flying by with stunning majesty, smells, sounds and lighting, with Manu Dibango, Salif Keita and Youssou N’Dour for company, that cemented my love for the continent, my people and its music. I can still smell those rainforests whenever I hear that music. I can still recall the arguments about which of the Biyiks was the better footballer. Magical.
We arrived in Yaoundé just before 9 am, so just in time for the start of the main conference to cement ties between South Africa and Cameroon. We sat at the podium, with yours truly to do the introductory speech, much to my horror. We waited patiently for the local dignitaries to arrive. Then took a coffee break at 10am. By 11am, when the local governor and minister of trade had decided which of them would enter last to the greater fanfare, we got underway. Sort of. We had to wait for the TV crews to get back from their own break and then repeat the sweeping entrances and ovations. That done, brief introductory speeches out of the way, it was time for lunch.***
Host Eric was in fine fettle by now, with coverage on national television assured, and took us to an ‘eco-lodge’ for lunch. It was a beautiful wooden house perched on top of a hill looking across tropical forests as far as the eye could see. It was built from the trees that once inhabited the hill and the now lack of vegetation was creating serious erosion, which the owner, who wanted to build another twenty of them on the hills around there, seemed oblivious to. Lunch was great though – donkey, pork and goat meat skewers presented on a grooved wooden platter with different spices in each groove. You rolled your skewer in whichever one you wanted, and they then grilled it for you. Served with deep-fried plantains, now a firm favourite of mine and washed down with a small 33 Export. Back to the hotel just in time for the coffee break.
By this stage, trouble was brewing in paradise, with Rob and his sidekick demanding our passports back and accusing Eric of effectively holding us hostage. Eric was incensed, accusing them of wanting a free trip that they were simply using for their own business. I stayed out of it, figuring that he who holds the passport is king. And he also had my plane ticket. The afternoon flew past, with recriminations replaced by reconciliations and renewed animosity by turn, but I was meeting with great people, many of whom were interested in sending their kids to South African universities. I was happy to oblige, having recently been at one and helped them with entrance requirements on return.
Eric then introduced me to a good friend of his – the CEO of the local branch of one of the world’s largest tobacco companies. We were soon off to his aunt’s fantastic restaurant* for dinner, with a bunch of South African Air Force pilots for company as well. They were training the Cameroon Air Force, but seldom got into the skies because of the weather, so spent most of their time drinking in the hotel. And then being grounded because they weren’t in any condition to fly. Dinner was sublime, again, with a variety of seafood, meats, vegetables and casava concoctions that I can’t remember the names of. The rest of the week followed a fairly similar pattern of torturous Cameroonian hierarchy politics, wasted time, great meetings, better food and excellent company. Time to head back to Douala and the final leg of our journey – still (worryingly) no passports in sight.
*Sorry Flair, that was the distinct impression given to us at the time, and it persists today!
**We imagined he was just there to keep us safe from harm, but was in fact Secret Service assigned to us to make sure we weren’t spying on the elections, we found out much later.
***I think you’re getting to understand that I’m a victim of largesse in all of this and lunches were thrust one me at an early age.
As digested by Deebee7
Onna telly this week
Friday 30th April
| Leicester v Ulster | 20:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| France v England (women) | 20:00 | BBC iPlayer/Red Button |
Saturday 1st May
| Stormers v Sharks | 13:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Toulouse v Bordeaux | 15:00 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 3 |
| Bulls v Lions | 18:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Bath v Montpellier | 20:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 2nd May
| La Rochelle v Leinster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Reds scrum on top in the 1st half, dominant in the close collisions but trailing 6-13 at HT.
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The Reds have a midfield scrum after a knock on. Brumbies are okay, but give away the penalty for entering the ruck from the side. Reds set up the lineout 7m out. They send it down the line and look to have scored in the corner. No! In touch!
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Harry Wilson, the Reds 8, takes a fearsome shoulder to the head – no foul play – and just about manages to walk off.
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Reds with an offside penalty now, don’t think the Brumbies have touched the ball in the 2nd half yet. O’Connor, with the only normal haircut, goes for posts. Off the upright! But the Brumbies spill it and the Reds have a scrum 8m out and in midfield. And the scrum penalty. 10 minutes of unrelenting pressure in this half, but nowt to show for it. JOC lines up another. And over! 9-13.
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Brumbies finally getting a bit of ball and making attritional yards. But get turned over. And then penalised at the scrum. Again. Reds knock on gives the Brumbies a bit of reprieve.
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They win the kicking contest and have a lineout in the Reds half. A cheap shot after the whistle sees the stupid grinning handbags 👜 kick off. Just a penalty. Reds have been utterly dominant in the 3rd quarter but only 3 points to show for it. Can the Brumbies hang on?
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They run it out of the 22 to no real effect, but the TMO is looking at two potential acts of foul play. Brumbies discipline fraying. Yellow for Rob Valetini 💛 (heart not my idea, thanks Samsung!) for a high shot. Penalty doesn’t find touch and neither does the clearance. Reds come again and get another kickable penalty.
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JOC makes no mistake. 12-13 with with 15 to go!
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@TomP – They batted pretty well, but were a bit light on bowling (Baghel seemed to be missing and has been effective even if he might not be that good). Couple of refusals from fielders in the first two overs might have cost them as they could have got Steyn though Hoffman was very good against some of the weaker bowling in any case.
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Brumbies now deep inside Reds 22, but it’s the Reds lineout feed. They overthrow and it’s scrum Brumbies! Still 4 minutes in the bin though. They’ll be lucky to get the ball back I reckon! Collapse. Brumbies won’t mind that at all. And again. Thought the ref may have let them play that. Almost 2 minutes now eaten up. Penalty Brumbies! In front!
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12-16 into the last 10! Heartthrob Rob is back on.
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Reds botch another lineout. No matter, Brumbies pass forward.
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Penalty after penalty! Defence upon defence, but finally, heartbreakingly if you’re Brumbies fan, the Reds crash over in the 84th minute!
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Just watched the kiwi super rugby highlights. Fair to say that D-Mac had one if those Dalys.
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Vandals have got 90 against UCC. 50 to Saba and 25 to Sim, the other scores being 0,1,0,1,0 and 0*. Some poor bowling and captaincy from UCC I thought. Saba needs to be kept off strike, both to stop him scoring and to frustrate him into getting himself out. Unfortunately they left the field too deep for Sim and also fed his main shot outside off stump so it was easy for him to keep getting Saba back on strike. Couple of massive hits on to the golf course from Saba though they were off very bad balls.
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Saints being absolutely battered at home by Glos. Didn’t help that Dancin’ Dan had to go off for concussion. First half was awful apart from an LRZ try. Second half not much better, but another two Glos tries.
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Saints 7 Glos 31 the final score. Not just down to the fact that Biggar went off for Saints, they were battered.
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Brizzle bash beleaguered Bath.
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Thaum – it’s part of the nature of politics that the leader has to be seen to be doing something after a defeat. On the elections I read this article today which I agree with (I was pleasantly surprised).
https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2021/may/08/labours-victories-show-importance-of-localism-and-positive-vision
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Craigs – yep, I pretty much agree with that article. Ditch the focus groups and have a positive message.
I’m not sure that continuing the purge of the left is doing anything to help that.
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Oh yes, and some actual policies help.
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Thaum – is that how this is being seen? Maybe they had a dust up behind the scenes?
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Oh Kyle….
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https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2021/may/08/angela-rayner-sacked-as-labour-chair-after-hartlepool-byelection-loss
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Craigs – Ugo had a good cry after watching that as well.
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Some Labour sources suggested the move was part of a wider reshuffle, which could see other senior figures including the shadow chancellor, Anneliese Dodds, removed from their posts.
Labour’s Norwich South MP Clive Lewis said: “The fear is, the leader’s office is now in headless chicken mode and looking into the void. We needed calm and considered and we got this. It really does look like they will thrash about like Alan Partridge pitching anything for a second season.”
Oh dear.
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Thaum – much respect for Kyle to come out and play like that. He can be a dick but this was a great response.
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I only had half an eye on the match, but the interview seemed very genuine.
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“it’s part of the nature of politics that the leader has to be seen to be doing something after a defeat.”
It would have been more use if he could have been seen to be doing anything beforehand.
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CMW – bullseye!
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Cmw – haha very true. Too busy getting throw out of pubs.
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Thrown!!! Stupid phone
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It seems to me as though there has been some effect of having been in power during the pandemic. Tories have done well in England, SNP in Scotland and Labour in Wales. Perhaps there are significant numbers of people sympathetic to the predicament governments have found themselves in with it, can’t say I’m one of them mind, at least not with regard to how it would affect my vote, but it does look a bit that way.
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The drop out on the goal line after being held up over the line has just been shown to be a nonsense. Connacht were over the Leinster line, the drop out forced the next phase of play to happen on the 10m line and from that Leinster got on top and scored, rather than having to defend a 5m scrum.
Crap law variation, it is another attempt to get rid of tha scrum
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Scrums oot!
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CMW – yep. Seems to me, though that Sturgeon and Drakeford do deserve some sympathy for their handling of the pandemic, but Johnson?!! The mind boggles.
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@Ticht – I don’t like it either, have they said what they hope to achieve with it?
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@Thaum – I know, but enough people seem to be OK with it.
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“have they said what they hope to achieve with it?”
The commentator said the object was to get rid of scrum resets, speed up the game and get the team attacking again.
That misses the fact that the attacking potential from a 5m scrum is far greater than trying to run it in from half way against an advancing defensive line.
Ok the ball is actually live more quickly, but it it a better attacking platform?
I’d say no.
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I’ve read the odd comment saying it’s to do with making pick and goes and/or mauls from lineouts close to the line less attractive (as that’s the sort of thing you’re most likely to get held up doing) and therefore get teams to move the ball a bit further from the ruck, but I don’t know if it will have that effect and I haven’t seen anything official about what the idea is.
It works in RL because you still get 6 tackles from good field position, but of course Union doesn’t work like that.
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A lot of people have been on furlough I.e. government support, plus vaccination programme. That may well have an effect. And enable an ignoring of all the other stuff.
Balance has barely changed in Scotland since the last election. SNP one more seat than last time, one short of an outright majority. Lots of tactical voting evident.
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Also not a Dan ofvghe captain’s challenge having now seen it in action
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Or fan even
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@Chimpie – How did it work in the game you saw?
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Took 10 minutes to go back about 30 phases and get a marginal decision wrong , to no difference in match outcome
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That’s just my view obviously and should be taken with a pinch (well 4 cans of) innis &gunn
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I can confirm that the Mitchell’s vs the machines is very good
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Yup, watched it the other night. Thought it was excellent, and a lot of nice wee touches in the animation.
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A couple of cheesy moments but overall the kidz loved it
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