the Not Johnny Clegg Story of Travel In Africa
We climbed quickly into the air and escaped the clutches of Kinshasa below us, with Brazza rapidly fading behind us too as we headed towards Douala and sanity. It’s a relatively short flight, across Congo-Brazza, Gabon, and I would imagine Equatorial Guinea, before getting to Cameroon. There was the odd bit of turbulence as we flew into the darkness of a tropical night, the sun setting very quickly in Africa, no dilly-dallying like in Europe. We were to transfer from the international side to the domestic side and get a flight to Yaoundé from there, with our host Eric, who would provide our visas on arrival. Douala soon appeared on the horizon, lights flickering in the distance, a reassuring sign that we were on track. Then they disappeared. Just for a couple of minutes, then reappeared. If we’re being blocked by mountains, I thought, we’re pretty fucking low to the ground. But the lights were well below us – it was just a normal night of patchy electricity, with generators kicking in whenever the power failed. Which was often.
We landed without problems and soon made our way into the arrivals hall. Rob and his Gabonese business partner rounded us up, including a young woman from South Africa’s tourism board, who spoke fluent French, having grown up in exile in Paris and attended a swanky school there, she told me. Several times. Where was Eric? We needed our visas and clearance to get to the domestic flight. Turns out his flight from Yaoundé had been cancelled due to bad weather. No visas, no entry. No power, no lights. And every time the lights came back on, the South Africans were clear to everyone – diving on their luggage to make sure nobody stole it in the dark. For shame! After a couple of hours of hanging around the humid arrivals desk, our Gabonese colleague arguing with the officials in a combination of French and English, with a few choice Zulu and Afrikaans swearwords thrown in, had managed to get us out of the airport and off to a hotel for the night, our connecting flight having long since departed. Only problem, we had to leave our passports behind.
We headed to the Akwa Palace Hotel, not too far away and close to the Wouri River, where logs were floated down from the interior, destined mainly for China. It was late by now and everything was closed. Our host managed to get a chef and waitress to serve us dinner. “Just remember – everything makes you sick, so stick to overcooked chicken!” Rob hissed in my ear. I looked at the menu, and asked the waitress what she’d recommend. “The ndolé! It’s delicious!” was the immediate, infectious response. I was sold. It’s basically a wild spinach that is cooked in a variety of different ways depending on location and culture. Mine came with chillies, shrimp and peanuts. It was superb. I got lost in the tastes as Rob was demanding sauce to make his overcooked chicken palatable. He lathered it on the leathery fowl and launched into it, before lunging for a beer and gulping it down as the piri-piri sauce caught his throat. Once he’d stopped choking, he shut up for a bit. What a win!
Before dawn the next morning we got into our air-conditioned 4×4 and started the five hour, 230km trip to Yaoundé, Cameroon’s capital city. We’d arrived about two weeks before the elections, held faithfully every seven years by incumbent Paul Biya in the solid knowledge that they’re rigged in his favour and France prefers him in power to the unknown*. What it did mean, though, was that as we traversed the countryside, we hit army roadblocks every 20 or 30 kilometres. The process was simple: the driver drove as fast as he could through the winding roads of the forest and open grasslands, overtaking massive logging trucks and petrol hauliers without much thought for what may be coming the other way, at equally breakneck speed; hooting at everything in sight, through small villages with timber houses, some painted brightly, others not, scattering chickens, children and goats as he went. As the rudimentary roadblocks loomed – a plank with nine-inch nails facing upwards and soldiers with AK-47s manning them in case you decide to skip them – he would swear, screech to a halt and put his subservient smiley face on. Because we didn’t have our passports back yet. No sweat, he calmly gave his identity card and a wad of cash at each stop and we were on our way again. In retrospect, we were beyond lucky that we weren’t locked up for days or weeks on end while the issue was sorted out, but yours truly was filled with the bonhomie of a man released from the shame of apartheid, and faith in the humanity of all people. Basically, a naïve idiot. But it was this trip, careening through the rainforests, our driver and minder** regaling stories of Roger Milla and other football heroes, the forests flying by with stunning majesty, smells, sounds and lighting, with Manu Dibango, Salif Keita and Youssou N’Dour for company, that cemented my love for the continent, my people and its music. I can still smell those rainforests whenever I hear that music. I can still recall the arguments about which of the Biyiks was the better footballer. Magical.
We arrived in Yaoundé just before 9 am, so just in time for the start of the main conference to cement ties between South Africa and Cameroon. We sat at the podium, with yours truly to do the introductory speech, much to my horror. We waited patiently for the local dignitaries to arrive. Then took a coffee break at 10am. By 11am, when the local governor and minister of trade had decided which of them would enter last to the greater fanfare, we got underway. Sort of. We had to wait for the TV crews to get back from their own break and then repeat the sweeping entrances and ovations. That done, brief introductory speeches out of the way, it was time for lunch.***
Host Eric was in fine fettle by now, with coverage on national television assured, and took us to an ‘eco-lodge’ for lunch. It was a beautiful wooden house perched on top of a hill looking across tropical forests as far as the eye could see. It was built from the trees that once inhabited the hill and the now lack of vegetation was creating serious erosion, which the owner, who wanted to build another twenty of them on the hills around there, seemed oblivious to. Lunch was great though – donkey, pork and goat meat skewers presented on a grooved wooden platter with different spices in each groove. You rolled your skewer in whichever one you wanted, and they then grilled it for you. Served with deep-fried plantains, now a firm favourite of mine and washed down with a small 33 Export. Back to the hotel just in time for the coffee break.
By this stage, trouble was brewing in paradise, with Rob and his sidekick demanding our passports back and accusing Eric of effectively holding us hostage. Eric was incensed, accusing them of wanting a free trip that they were simply using for their own business. I stayed out of it, figuring that he who holds the passport is king. And he also had my plane ticket. The afternoon flew past, with recriminations replaced by reconciliations and renewed animosity by turn, but I was meeting with great people, many of whom were interested in sending their kids to South African universities. I was happy to oblige, having recently been at one and helped them with entrance requirements on return.
Eric then introduced me to a good friend of his – the CEO of the local branch of one of the world’s largest tobacco companies. We were soon off to his aunt’s fantastic restaurant* for dinner, with a bunch of South African Air Force pilots for company as well. They were training the Cameroon Air Force, but seldom got into the skies because of the weather, so spent most of their time drinking in the hotel. And then being grounded because they weren’t in any condition to fly. Dinner was sublime, again, with a variety of seafood, meats, vegetables and casava concoctions that I can’t remember the names of. The rest of the week followed a fairly similar pattern of torturous Cameroonian hierarchy politics, wasted time, great meetings, better food and excellent company. Time to head back to Douala and the final leg of our journey – still (worryingly) no passports in sight.
*Sorry Flair, that was the distinct impression given to us at the time, and it persists today!
**We imagined he was just there to keep us safe from harm, but was in fact Secret Service assigned to us to make sure we weren’t spying on the elections, we found out much later.
***I think you’re getting to understand that I’m a victim of largesse in all of this and lunches were thrust one me at an early age.
As digested by Deebee7
Onna telly this week
Friday 30th April
| Leicester v Ulster | 20:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| France v England (women) | 20:00 | BBC iPlayer/Red Button |
Saturday 1st May
| Stormers v Sharks | 13:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Toulouse v Bordeaux | 15:00 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 3 |
| Bulls v Lions | 18:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Bath v Montpellier | 20:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 2nd May
| La Rochelle v Leinster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
CMW,
A treat for you at 13 minutes 45 in this:
LikeLike
My inlaws school that! A couple of my brothers-in-law still live in Queenstown. Very proud rugby tradition. Also the first previously ‘white’ school to field a completely black first XV, from memory.
LikeLike
I don’t get to read the atls at the time of their publication, but I really enjoyed that, again, Deebee.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Mike Brown living up to his reputation, stamping on Thomas Taylor’s face. Shame, because he produced a wonderful offload for a try in the first half.
LikeLike
Mike Brown’s last home game for Quins, so does he go out on a high?
Nope.
Red card for standing on someone’s face.
LikeLike
Mr Angry just bought himself a bye for the rest of the season and perhaps a f**k upfor Quins by being red-carded for slightly more than standing on a prone opponent’s face.
LikeLike
doh!
LikeLike
The ol’ knee?
LikeLike
this game is bonkers
LikeLike
Two porous, attack-minded teams and Wasps just can’t help themselves – fancy losing that!
LikeLike
hello……………………….hello…………………………..hello…………………………….hello
LikeLike
Hello!
LikeLike
Goodbye
LikeLike
@cmw
Our local team’s first XI had a grudge match against the hated Ilford CC on Saturday. The club chairman is the second highest ever wicket taker with his left arm, er, not really spin but deft changes in pace. You may sense a certain level of happiness in this wicket
LikeLiked by 1 person
Despite Mike Brown’s actions, I’d love it if quins won this year.
LikeLike
OT – can we have some Real Cricket please?
LikeLiked by 4 people
That elephant has only got one shot.
LikeLike
I think the bowler should be bowling a leg stump line and have a ring of fielders from 3rd slip to extra cover.
LikeLike
Cmw – prolly wouldn’t be good at getting quick singles either.
LikeLike
If an elephant decides it’s going to take a single, then it will take a single.
LikeLiked by 5 people
Boks hosting Georgia for two Tests before the Lions! At least they’ll get some competitive rugby under the belt before being fed to the Lions.
LikeLike
What you don’t want is the elephant batting with a partner who only hits to leg (or indeed a left-trunked elephant who plays the same style). You can’t go moving everyone every time they change strike in Real Cricket.
LikeLike
@TomP – Watching Vinoradhy vs Kings. Vinoradhy look good in the field, slightly higher level bowling than most of what I’ve seen and a proper wicket keeper. Kings have one batsman who looks like he must surely win a lot of these games on his own though he’s gone relatively cheaply today.
LikeLike
CMW,
Saw some of it. Sudesh is the big lad from Kings. He has a co-share in the fastest ever century in an international T20 record – though that’s very dodgy as the opposition were a load of Turkish lads working in kebab shops in Romania. Bit disappointed with the batting of Hilal, their opener. He’s good to watch when in form. But he’s not in form.
The wicketkeeper is one of the key movers in Czech cricket, puts in a lot of work. I don’t know the lad who got Sudesh out but he looked handy. Vinohrady are missing a Saffer called Gilham, who’s pretty good.
4 top teams seem to be Brno, Vinohrady, Kings and Barbarians. Bohemians might get an upset in. Vinohrady the one who don’t rely on one big player so much.
LikeLike
Elephant has been brought watching West Indian batsmen from the eighties, methinks. They made that lofted carve over the covers popular before all this IPL malarkey.
LikeLike
@TomP – From what I’ve seen I would probably say Barbarians look the weakest of those four. Out of the big boys I think I’ll support Vinohrady for the reason you’ve given (it looks that way to me too on the one game I’ve seen). Sadly UCC are not going to be competitive much of the time against those teams. The Mobilisers look like they might be my fun team for this group so will be cheering for them for the time being.
LikeLike
Early days for me watching this group, but I’ve got the impression that Steyn might be the most reliable of the big players so if I had to have a bet I’d go with his lot.
LikeLike
He looks the most competent. With Saba or Sudesh, you might get a big big score against you very quickly.
LikeLike
Hi everyone. I’ve been a busy boy, so only just had a chance to read back on the Liunz selection. Appalled to see Daly in. Can’t argue with AWJ as the captain really, he’s such a warrior. Not surprised to see Sink miss out – he was out of sorts for England all of the past season. I do think Lawes is one of the most underrated players on the notablog though. He’s been pure class for England for years. I have even almost forgiven him for getting stripped of possession by Scott Williams in 2012. Almost.
LikeLiked by 6 people
LikeLiked by 3 people
A well balanced analysis from Ben Smith. He not only has chips on both shoulders, but manages to juggle one on his nose and one up his arse at the same time.
LikeLike
“Appalled to see Daly in.”
I concur, my dear Dab. I concur. I am also disgusted that Mac Duhan, who can’t even be arsed to stay in Scotland after qualifying for them, and immediately fucks off to Worcester for bigger bucks, has been picked over Jonny May, who has been one of the form wings for the last 3 years. I have no problem with him playing for Scotland, cos thems the rules, but to take a Lions place off someone who would love to play for them, and was born here, is plain wrong. Its the Lions, for fucks sakes. You know he will piss off to France if he gets dropped from the Scotland squad. No problem with Bundee Aki at all, he has had the decency to hang about in Ireland for 7+ years and looks thoroughly invested in Irish rugby. Got my fingers crossed that Colby gets to play opposite MacDuhan, and scores half a dozen.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Come back Cuthbert, all is forgiven! Or to put it another way, Gats likes to saddle a big galloper. I’m in the ‘who knows?’ camp regarding van der Merwe. At the moment I think he might be overrated, but let’s see.
May seems a bit highly strung. Like a fast but skittery horse lacking any of say Andy Powell’s self-awareness as a would-be tourist. Is he a Dog-botherer by chance?
Daly has no form but is fitter than Maitland and HalfP, who might have been the other players to do that allround job in happier times, and Daly throws in a bit of centre coverage too. He did well in 2017 so I can see why Gats went for having his big boot on board.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pretty much agree with SBT about the ‘ringers’, perhaps don’t feel quite as strongly about it, but still. Don’t know about folks underrating Lawes, hoping someone won’t get picked because they’re a prick isn’t the same as not thinking they’re good enough. Same with not wanting VdM picked but for a different reason. For the most part Lawes is just an excuse now and again to bring up the Scott Williams try so it’s nice to see Dab’s on the same page with that.
Disappointed in Iks that he had nothing horsey to say about Daly.
LikeLike
Hands like hooves?
LikeLike
show-pony?
LikeLike
He’s got a massive donkey kick of a boot innit.
LikeLike
OT –
The people at the top of the party actually has to stop believing that people who live in these towns a) are morally inferior, racist, homophobic etc and b) owe them their votes.
I have an old school friend who I don’t see much anymore but I keep tabs on him on Facebook. I had to mute him because after Trump he became very political and my feed became a stream of utterly ridiculous memes and political slogans but I still occasionally look him up.
Last night I read his reaction to the election and he literally said ‘the average man on the street hates minorities’ and would rather vote against their own interests than for these minorities. Very similar to what you say above. I wonder how much this kind of online arseholery puts people off voting for Labour. I don’t think he represents every Labour voter but he has a lot of friends who agree with him. If this kind of attitude percolates offline it can’t be good.
LikeLike
Sbt – he’s there as a centre which he prefers. Maybe Eddie will learn something.
LikeLike
True answers are a) Eliot Daly is considered a delicacy in France and b) most of his performances for England suggest he should be sent to the glue factory.
LikeLike
‘sabit harsh SBT
LikeLike
I know you’re upset about sideways missing out.
LikeLike
Worth noting that DVDM’s pro career was pretty much over when Embra took a chance on him. Not wanted by the pro set up in SA and was being let go by Montpellier after barely featuring due to injury.
Confess I’m disappointed that he’s off to wuss & it’s not like he’s not wanted at embra, but a players earning time can be short I suppose and can end at any point. It’s not like he hasn’t got a record of injury either.
Given his efforts in the 6N it’s difficult to ignore him as an option. TBH sideways (who I rate as a player) didn’t have a good 6N, there are others I’d take over him on current form (Maitland, Earls)
LikeLike
He wasn’t kicked out of the Bulls. It was his decision to go to Montpellier. Perhaps he didn’t make the progress he expected to make and it must’ve been galling to see his schoolmate Warrick Gelant, who’d also played SA schools for 2 years and SA Under 20, making strides so quickly. I know he had some injury problems but he was in the Blue Bulls side at 21.
Plus, he was still young and there were guys ahead of him. The thing about him then that I saw and heard was terrific on attack but dodgy on defence. Then Montpellier come in and offer him a much better package, loads of Saffers there.
LikeLike
The English desert of Dungeness draws a million people a year, pilgrims to its weirdness. Why go to the Sahara when you can visit Kent?
Wise words.
LikeLiked by 1 person
@cmw
This is great. Nice proliferation of daisies in the outfield as well.
LikeLike
@OT – It’s not obvious to me how anyone would end up doing that. Not entirely sure of the process mind as it’s years since I’ve even helped anyone mark up a pitch, but some element of it would seem to have gone a tad wrong.
LikeLike
May never have to be involved in such things again as our beautiful ground is disappearing under a rising tide of shit due to sewage/drainage issues on the site which the ‘site management’ company whose responsibility it is are not interested in dealing with it. The hospital it’s at has pretty much been mothballed so getting anything done is very difficult. We’re hiring a place in the meantime and it looks like that will end up being that after 21 years for me and getting on for thirty for the club.
LikeLike
Well, Chimpie, its not just about Sideways. altho he has performed as well as can be expected with the total lack of ball Eddie has been serving him, I would rather Earls was on the plane as well. Its the Lions, and as such, it is the pinnacle of the career for most BRITISH and IRISH players, who grew up dreaming about pulling on that shirt with the best of the best from the Home Unions, and playing Australia, New Zealand or the Boks on their own turf. If a player with a short money earning span wants to move internationally, and commit to a country to play at the top level, thats OK with me. I just think that the ethos of the Lions is somewhat tainted by this. It shifts the focus to winning and earning money. I very much doubt that Duhan grew up getting goosebumps hearing about the exploits of Barry John, Fergus Slattery, McBride, 99 calls etc.
LikeLiked by 4 people
This happened 30 years ago today. I was just below and a bit to the right of the camera so had a very similar view.
LikeLiked by 2 people