the Not Johnny Clegg Story of Travel In Africa
We climbed quickly into the air and escaped the clutches of Kinshasa below us, with Brazza rapidly fading behind us too as we headed towards Douala and sanity. It’s a relatively short flight, across Congo-Brazza, Gabon, and I would imagine Equatorial Guinea, before getting to Cameroon. There was the odd bit of turbulence as we flew into the darkness of a tropical night, the sun setting very quickly in Africa, no dilly-dallying like in Europe. We were to transfer from the international side to the domestic side and get a flight to Yaoundé from there, with our host Eric, who would provide our visas on arrival. Douala soon appeared on the horizon, lights flickering in the distance, a reassuring sign that we were on track. Then they disappeared. Just for a couple of minutes, then reappeared. If we’re being blocked by mountains, I thought, we’re pretty fucking low to the ground. But the lights were well below us – it was just a normal night of patchy electricity, with generators kicking in whenever the power failed. Which was often.
We landed without problems and soon made our way into the arrivals hall. Rob and his Gabonese business partner rounded us up, including a young woman from South Africa’s tourism board, who spoke fluent French, having grown up in exile in Paris and attended a swanky school there, she told me. Several times. Where was Eric? We needed our visas and clearance to get to the domestic flight. Turns out his flight from Yaoundé had been cancelled due to bad weather. No visas, no entry. No power, no lights. And every time the lights came back on, the South Africans were clear to everyone – diving on their luggage to make sure nobody stole it in the dark. For shame! After a couple of hours of hanging around the humid arrivals desk, our Gabonese colleague arguing with the officials in a combination of French and English, with a few choice Zulu and Afrikaans swearwords thrown in, had managed to get us out of the airport and off to a hotel for the night, our connecting flight having long since departed. Only problem, we had to leave our passports behind.
We headed to the Akwa Palace Hotel, not too far away and close to the Wouri River, where logs were floated down from the interior, destined mainly for China. It was late by now and everything was closed. Our host managed to get a chef and waitress to serve us dinner. “Just remember – everything makes you sick, so stick to overcooked chicken!” Rob hissed in my ear. I looked at the menu, and asked the waitress what she’d recommend. “The ndolé! It’s delicious!” was the immediate, infectious response. I was sold. It’s basically a wild spinach that is cooked in a variety of different ways depending on location and culture. Mine came with chillies, shrimp and peanuts. It was superb. I got lost in the tastes as Rob was demanding sauce to make his overcooked chicken palatable. He lathered it on the leathery fowl and launched into it, before lunging for a beer and gulping it down as the piri-piri sauce caught his throat. Once he’d stopped choking, he shut up for a bit. What a win!
Before dawn the next morning we got into our air-conditioned 4×4 and started the five hour, 230km trip to Yaoundé, Cameroon’s capital city. We’d arrived about two weeks before the elections, held faithfully every seven years by incumbent Paul Biya in the solid knowledge that they’re rigged in his favour and France prefers him in power to the unknown*. What it did mean, though, was that as we traversed the countryside, we hit army roadblocks every 20 or 30 kilometres. The process was simple: the driver drove as fast as he could through the winding roads of the forest and open grasslands, overtaking massive logging trucks and petrol hauliers without much thought for what may be coming the other way, at equally breakneck speed; hooting at everything in sight, through small villages with timber houses, some painted brightly, others not, scattering chickens, children and goats as he went. As the rudimentary roadblocks loomed – a plank with nine-inch nails facing upwards and soldiers with AK-47s manning them in case you decide to skip them – he would swear, screech to a halt and put his subservient smiley face on. Because we didn’t have our passports back yet. No sweat, he calmly gave his identity card and a wad of cash at each stop and we were on our way again. In retrospect, we were beyond lucky that we weren’t locked up for days or weeks on end while the issue was sorted out, but yours truly was filled with the bonhomie of a man released from the shame of apartheid, and faith in the humanity of all people. Basically, a naïve idiot. But it was this trip, careening through the rainforests, our driver and minder** regaling stories of Roger Milla and other football heroes, the forests flying by with stunning majesty, smells, sounds and lighting, with Manu Dibango, Salif Keita and Youssou N’Dour for company, that cemented my love for the continent, my people and its music. I can still smell those rainforests whenever I hear that music. I can still recall the arguments about which of the Biyiks was the better footballer. Magical.
We arrived in Yaoundé just before 9 am, so just in time for the start of the main conference to cement ties between South Africa and Cameroon. We sat at the podium, with yours truly to do the introductory speech, much to my horror. We waited patiently for the local dignitaries to arrive. Then took a coffee break at 10am. By 11am, when the local governor and minister of trade had decided which of them would enter last to the greater fanfare, we got underway. Sort of. We had to wait for the TV crews to get back from their own break and then repeat the sweeping entrances and ovations. That done, brief introductory speeches out of the way, it was time for lunch.***
Host Eric was in fine fettle by now, with coverage on national television assured, and took us to an ‘eco-lodge’ for lunch. It was a beautiful wooden house perched on top of a hill looking across tropical forests as far as the eye could see. It was built from the trees that once inhabited the hill and the now lack of vegetation was creating serious erosion, which the owner, who wanted to build another twenty of them on the hills around there, seemed oblivious to. Lunch was great though – donkey, pork and goat meat skewers presented on a grooved wooden platter with different spices in each groove. You rolled your skewer in whichever one you wanted, and they then grilled it for you. Served with deep-fried plantains, now a firm favourite of mine and washed down with a small 33 Export. Back to the hotel just in time for the coffee break.
By this stage, trouble was brewing in paradise, with Rob and his sidekick demanding our passports back and accusing Eric of effectively holding us hostage. Eric was incensed, accusing them of wanting a free trip that they were simply using for their own business. I stayed out of it, figuring that he who holds the passport is king. And he also had my plane ticket. The afternoon flew past, with recriminations replaced by reconciliations and renewed animosity by turn, but I was meeting with great people, many of whom were interested in sending their kids to South African universities. I was happy to oblige, having recently been at one and helped them with entrance requirements on return.
Eric then introduced me to a good friend of his – the CEO of the local branch of one of the world’s largest tobacco companies. We were soon off to his aunt’s fantastic restaurant* for dinner, with a bunch of South African Air Force pilots for company as well. They were training the Cameroon Air Force, but seldom got into the skies because of the weather, so spent most of their time drinking in the hotel. And then being grounded because they weren’t in any condition to fly. Dinner was sublime, again, with a variety of seafood, meats, vegetables and casava concoctions that I can’t remember the names of. The rest of the week followed a fairly similar pattern of torturous Cameroonian hierarchy politics, wasted time, great meetings, better food and excellent company. Time to head back to Douala and the final leg of our journey – still (worryingly) no passports in sight.
*Sorry Flair, that was the distinct impression given to us at the time, and it persists today!
**We imagined he was just there to keep us safe from harm, but was in fact Secret Service assigned to us to make sure we weren’t spying on the elections, we found out much later.
***I think you’re getting to understand that I’m a victim of largesse in all of this and lunches were thrust one me at an early age.
As digested by Deebee7
Onna telly this week
Friday 30th April
| Leicester v Ulster | 20:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| France v England (women) | 20:00 | BBC iPlayer/Red Button |
Saturday 1st May
| Stormers v Sharks | 13:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Toulouse v Bordeaux | 15:00 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 3 |
| Bulls v Lions | 18:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Bath v Montpellier | 20:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 2nd May
| La Rochelle v Leinster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Yellow for schoeman for being a twit. Shithair incidental
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Turner over. Boo.
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Embra in again. Back on equal terms. Decent enough game
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Silly embra scrum penalty. Glasgow over again.
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Scarlets lose to Cardiff. I expected that as they have been managing my expectations downwards all season. But then they came back to lead by 2 with 5 minutes to go, before giving up 3 points in the last minute.
It’s the hope etc.
Cardiff won it in the first half, looks like both Jarrod Evans and Tomos are back to form and fitness which is good for Wales.
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Since my last update Glasgow have scored and embra have sucked
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Embra line break!
Kinghorn through, Shiel on the shoulder ro finish
7 point game
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Ffs Kinghorn
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Glasgow close it out. Again.
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‘Done the Weedgies!
Can we play Embra every week?
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“Cream are always safe to listen to.”
Not sure ‘safe’ is the first word I’d be looking for to describe getting into the sort of state now that I would have been in the last time I enjoyed listening to a Cream album.
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Ticht – i stumbled on this and wondered what you think
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And others innit
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Good Morning – Wake Up!
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…………….or The Yardbirds for you younger folk:
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That Yardbirds good morning ditty ain’t ‘woke’.
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Missed that Mississippi Fred was creeping around even earlier.
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Craigs, I quite like that. I don’t know much about him other than he was a postie who put that up on social media last year and it burst through the roof, with hunners of people joining in, I saw Channel 4 news’ John Snow singing it.
Good luck to him, I have a thing for songs about the sea or working on the sea, my attraction to whaling songs doesn’t stand up to modern day scrutiny, but my great great grandfather and his brothers worked on whaling boats.
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ok – who didn’t spot the (very) young Eric Clapton?
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Me. But then I didn’t watch the video.
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Ticht – me too. I didn’t know if it was too corny but I liked it. I also like that he looks like he could be in Misfits.
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Nothing wrong with a bit of Moby Dickery.
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Kyle Eastmond retires. He’d gone to play for Leeds Rhinos but hardly played. Shame, I always thought he was one of those players who was potentially brilliant but never quite got there. I still reckon Bath should have turned him into a scrum half when he switched codes. Or an Austin Healy-type creative winger.
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‘your’ Exeter side to face London Irish, Tuesday evening:
15 Stuart Hogg, 14 Alex Cuthbert, 13 Henry Slade, 12 Ollie Devoto, 11 Tom O’Flaherty
10 Joe Simmonds (capt), 9 Jack Maunder
1 Ben Moon, 2 Luke Cowan-Dickie, 3 Harry Williams
4 Jannes Kirsten, 5 Sean Lonsdale
6 Dave Ewers, 7 Jacques Vermeulen, 8 Sam Simmonds
16 Jack Yeandle, 17 Alec Hepburn, 18 Tomas Francis, 19 Tom Price, 20 Richard Capstick, 21 Stu Townsend, 22 Harvey Skinner,23 Ian Whitten
Cuthbert in for Nowell (MCL)
No: Skinner, Gray, Hill
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Cmw – this is what happens to your peaceful village if you Moby Dick.
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@Craigs – Is there a whale in it?
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Cmw – at around 10 mins in.
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2 at 15 mins in.
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This is the expansion pack for bloodborne which I have but haven’t finished because it disturbs my calm.
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I don’t see no whales.
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Gloucester Rugby
15. Kyle Moyle
14. Louis Rees-Zammit *
13. Giorgi Kveseladze
12. Mark Atkinson
11. Santiago Carreras
10. Billy Twelvetrees
9. Willi Heinz
1. Val Rapava-Ruskin
2. Jack Singleton
3. Fraser Balmain
4. Ed Slater
5. Matias Alemanno
6. Jordy Reid
7. Lewis Ludlow (c) *
8. Ruan Ackermann
16. Henry Walker *
17. Jamal Ford-Robinson
18. Jack Stanley
19. Ben Morgan
20. Jack Clement *
21. Stephen Varney *
22. Lloyd Evans *
23. Ollie Thorley *
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Craigs is having a whale of a time
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Or maybe not
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Cmw – in bloodborne the men who used to hunt whales became whales.
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Chimpie – I dread to think what you would become if you tasted the paleblood.
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Chimpllamaman
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I really have no idea what any of that means but it doesn’t sound pleasant
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So if you hunt something you become it? Been hunting some biscuits all day but we’re oot. Setting aside the obvious short term tragedy maybe I should be grateful.
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Chimpie – the brief version
https://docs.google.com/document/u/0/d/1JL5acskAT_2t062HILImBkV8eXAwaqOj611mSjK-vZ8/mobilebasic
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Don’t wanna be dunked inna hot choccy and eaten by some sedentary oaf.
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Chimpie – I’m sure there is a gem for that.
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Or maybe you need to consume a toddlers hand. Either way you can find it in the chalice dungeons.
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The chalice from the palace? Hopefully it contains the brew that is true…..
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…the gunk that is drunk
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Exeter have signed tight-head Josh Iosepha-Scott from Waikato to replace Tomas Francis.
Baxter says they’ve got him earlier than expected which is good as he has one or two things to work on:
https://www.bbc.com/sport/rugby-union/57147654
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6ft 4ins and 135kgs.EQP qualified as well. A big opportunity for the lad:
https://www.exeterchiefs.co.uk/news/iosefa-scott-signs-for-the-chiefs
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Looks like it’s going to be a red for Glaws 5, tip-tackle on Luatua.
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end of any contest at Glos vs Bristol: Glos #4 red carded for a perfect tip-tackle
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14-man glos being heroic but it can’t last…………..
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now 13-man as sinkler dominates scrum
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