the Not Johnny Clegg Story of Travel In Africa
We climbed quickly into the air and escaped the clutches of Kinshasa below us, with Brazza rapidly fading behind us too as we headed towards Douala and sanity. It’s a relatively short flight, across Congo-Brazza, Gabon, and I would imagine Equatorial Guinea, before getting to Cameroon. There was the odd bit of turbulence as we flew into the darkness of a tropical night, the sun setting very quickly in Africa, no dilly-dallying like in Europe. We were to transfer from the international side to the domestic side and get a flight to Yaoundé from there, with our host Eric, who would provide our visas on arrival. Douala soon appeared on the horizon, lights flickering in the distance, a reassuring sign that we were on track. Then they disappeared. Just for a couple of minutes, then reappeared. If we’re being blocked by mountains, I thought, we’re pretty fucking low to the ground. But the lights were well below us – it was just a normal night of patchy electricity, with generators kicking in whenever the power failed. Which was often.
We landed without problems and soon made our way into the arrivals hall. Rob and his Gabonese business partner rounded us up, including a young woman from South Africa’s tourism board, who spoke fluent French, having grown up in exile in Paris and attended a swanky school there, she told me. Several times. Where was Eric? We needed our visas and clearance to get to the domestic flight. Turns out his flight from Yaoundé had been cancelled due to bad weather. No visas, no entry. No power, no lights. And every time the lights came back on, the South Africans were clear to everyone – diving on their luggage to make sure nobody stole it in the dark. For shame! After a couple of hours of hanging around the humid arrivals desk, our Gabonese colleague arguing with the officials in a combination of French and English, with a few choice Zulu and Afrikaans swearwords thrown in, had managed to get us out of the airport and off to a hotel for the night, our connecting flight having long since departed. Only problem, we had to leave our passports behind.
We headed to the Akwa Palace Hotel, not too far away and close to the Wouri River, where logs were floated down from the interior, destined mainly for China. It was late by now and everything was closed. Our host managed to get a chef and waitress to serve us dinner. “Just remember – everything makes you sick, so stick to overcooked chicken!” Rob hissed in my ear. I looked at the menu, and asked the waitress what she’d recommend. “The ndolé! It’s delicious!” was the immediate, infectious response. I was sold. It’s basically a wild spinach that is cooked in a variety of different ways depending on location and culture. Mine came with chillies, shrimp and peanuts. It was superb. I got lost in the tastes as Rob was demanding sauce to make his overcooked chicken palatable. He lathered it on the leathery fowl and launched into it, before lunging for a beer and gulping it down as the piri-piri sauce caught his throat. Once he’d stopped choking, he shut up for a bit. What a win!
Before dawn the next morning we got into our air-conditioned 4×4 and started the five hour, 230km trip to Yaoundé, Cameroon’s capital city. We’d arrived about two weeks before the elections, held faithfully every seven years by incumbent Paul Biya in the solid knowledge that they’re rigged in his favour and France prefers him in power to the unknown*. What it did mean, though, was that as we traversed the countryside, we hit army roadblocks every 20 or 30 kilometres. The process was simple: the driver drove as fast as he could through the winding roads of the forest and open grasslands, overtaking massive logging trucks and petrol hauliers without much thought for what may be coming the other way, at equally breakneck speed; hooting at everything in sight, through small villages with timber houses, some painted brightly, others not, scattering chickens, children and goats as he went. As the rudimentary roadblocks loomed – a plank with nine-inch nails facing upwards and soldiers with AK-47s manning them in case you decide to skip them – he would swear, screech to a halt and put his subservient smiley face on. Because we didn’t have our passports back yet. No sweat, he calmly gave his identity card and a wad of cash at each stop and we were on our way again. In retrospect, we were beyond lucky that we weren’t locked up for days or weeks on end while the issue was sorted out, but yours truly was filled with the bonhomie of a man released from the shame of apartheid, and faith in the humanity of all people. Basically, a naïve idiot. But it was this trip, careening through the rainforests, our driver and minder** regaling stories of Roger Milla and other football heroes, the forests flying by with stunning majesty, smells, sounds and lighting, with Manu Dibango, Salif Keita and Youssou N’Dour for company, that cemented my love for the continent, my people and its music. I can still smell those rainforests whenever I hear that music. I can still recall the arguments about which of the Biyiks was the better footballer. Magical.
We arrived in Yaoundé just before 9 am, so just in time for the start of the main conference to cement ties between South Africa and Cameroon. We sat at the podium, with yours truly to do the introductory speech, much to my horror. We waited patiently for the local dignitaries to arrive. Then took a coffee break at 10am. By 11am, when the local governor and minister of trade had decided which of them would enter last to the greater fanfare, we got underway. Sort of. We had to wait for the TV crews to get back from their own break and then repeat the sweeping entrances and ovations. That done, brief introductory speeches out of the way, it was time for lunch.***
Host Eric was in fine fettle by now, with coverage on national television assured, and took us to an ‘eco-lodge’ for lunch. It was a beautiful wooden house perched on top of a hill looking across tropical forests as far as the eye could see. It was built from the trees that once inhabited the hill and the now lack of vegetation was creating serious erosion, which the owner, who wanted to build another twenty of them on the hills around there, seemed oblivious to. Lunch was great though – donkey, pork and goat meat skewers presented on a grooved wooden platter with different spices in each groove. You rolled your skewer in whichever one you wanted, and they then grilled it for you. Served with deep-fried plantains, now a firm favourite of mine and washed down with a small 33 Export. Back to the hotel just in time for the coffee break.
By this stage, trouble was brewing in paradise, with Rob and his sidekick demanding our passports back and accusing Eric of effectively holding us hostage. Eric was incensed, accusing them of wanting a free trip that they were simply using for their own business. I stayed out of it, figuring that he who holds the passport is king. And he also had my plane ticket. The afternoon flew past, with recriminations replaced by reconciliations and renewed animosity by turn, but I was meeting with great people, many of whom were interested in sending their kids to South African universities. I was happy to oblige, having recently been at one and helped them with entrance requirements on return.
Eric then introduced me to a good friend of his – the CEO of the local branch of one of the world’s largest tobacco companies. We were soon off to his aunt’s fantastic restaurant* for dinner, with a bunch of South African Air Force pilots for company as well. They were training the Cameroon Air Force, but seldom got into the skies because of the weather, so spent most of their time drinking in the hotel. And then being grounded because they weren’t in any condition to fly. Dinner was sublime, again, with a variety of seafood, meats, vegetables and casava concoctions that I can’t remember the names of. The rest of the week followed a fairly similar pattern of torturous Cameroonian hierarchy politics, wasted time, great meetings, better food and excellent company. Time to head back to Douala and the final leg of our journey – still (worryingly) no passports in sight.
*Sorry Flair, that was the distinct impression given to us at the time, and it persists today!
**We imagined he was just there to keep us safe from harm, but was in fact Secret Service assigned to us to make sure we weren’t spying on the elections, we found out much later.
***I think you’re getting to understand that I’m a victim of largesse in all of this and lunches were thrust one me at an early age.
As digested by Deebee7
Onna telly this week
Friday 30th April
| Leicester v Ulster | 20:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| France v England (women) | 20:00 | BBC iPlayer/Red Button |
Saturday 1st May
| Stormers v Sharks | 13:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Toulouse v Bordeaux | 15:00 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 3 |
| Bulls v Lions | 18:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Bath v Montpellier | 20:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 2nd May
| La Rochelle v Leinster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
I’ve been racking my brains for a normal sized Afrikaner farmer and I think Kwagga Smith is probably a good name to throw into the debate. Same height as me, a few kilos heavier but very muscular whereas I’m not. However, with that surname he probably has some British or Irish heritage.
Deon Stegmann is from farming territory in the Eastern Cape and is also under 6 foot.
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Joshi was a run out candidate from the word go.
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It got interesting when the previous over went for 24 with eight or nine wides and two sixes.
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To add to what TomP says above, theoretically all black South Africans were ‘citizens’ of one or other bantustan, meaning that roughly 80% of our population theoretically belonged on 13% of the land. It was land that was dotted around the country, largely not including any towns or cities of economic importance, and with little real infrastructure in place. They were recipes for economic disaster as much as for political control, and they worked a treat to convince many white South Africans that black Africans were incapable of good governance as the overcrowded, under-developed places fell apart.
Sadly, in the post-apartheid era many of these areas have been left in limbo with nothing done to improve them by the ruling ANC either. By way of example, there are an estimated 3,800 pit latrines still in operation in rural schools in SA, with the education department spokesman on radio this morning talking about replacing them by 2030 if the private sector doesn’t pay for it. That will be 36 of ANC rule to eradicate pit latrines from schools. And I don’t know how many more kids drowning in them as a result. It’s disgusting that every year kids get washed away by floods on collapsed roads and bridges getting to and from school, drown in pit latrines, get ‘educated’ under trees or in asbestos clad classrooms, but the Mayor of Joburg today had a whole section of the city closed down to make his annual address, flanked by bodyguards and influence peddlers, his entourage of BMWs with blue lights actually flashing past my office now – 7 fucking cars to carry one useless arsehole, but rural South Africa continues to bleed.
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Gone to a Golden Ball!
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Which turns out to be one ball bowled by the fielding side off which the batting team have to score two or more to win. UCC only manage a single and are cruelly denied their first ever win. Pretty gutted for them as there were some great shots to get them the tie in the first place even if it did also take some diabolical bowling and fielding from the other lot.
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@cmw
once you’ve finished with that match you can take your pick of the Upminster home matches so far this season:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCrUJrPHfpCEOvNVnTF9f_pQ/videos
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I wish there was footage of me opening the bowling on Sunday.
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CMW, there were some people who you might suppose didn’t take advantage but did. This guy – https://www.sahistory.org.za/people/dr-james-sebe-moroka , whose life story is worth a read – was one of the elite who built up considerable resources.
Here’s a line from Mager & Mulandzi’s contribution to the Cambridge History of SA:
“In many areas, expedient leaders deployed oral tradition to legitimate their political aspirations, reinforcing the apartheid government’s invented ethnicities, genealogies and chieftanships and ensuring a stake in the Bantustan system.”
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My club playing now in Prague. Need 56 to win and it’s very very windy.
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Nothing wrong with playing without bails, but when the stumps keep blowing over you’ve got a problem.
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Always thought TomP was a barbarian vandal.
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I’ll be supporting UCC from now on after they made the earlier game so entertaining.
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Game’s not going to last long with this chap in, looks a cut above.
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And now he’s played and missed four balls in a row!
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That’s Saba. He’s of Afghani family. Good player but wants to win games single-handed.
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And out.
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@cmw – I’m sure I can remember Merle running up the backs of players on the ground, repeatedly (although I was quite young at the time).
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@cmw
For a minute then I thought you meant Upminster.
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I worked with a Merle many years ago, Refit. Wouldn’t have minded a bit of attention from her. Lovely lady. You referring to the same Merle?
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@TomP – It was quite an odd innings as the attacking shots he’s got made him look miles ahead of anyone else in either game, but he played and missed at least seven or eight times and not playing big shots either. Then again it’s being played in very weird conditions. There was a comment on Youtube saying he’s the best player in the league, but there looks like there might be a bit of misinformation and some pretty dubious characters in those comments.
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Unlucky start for my lot in the third game. Think they’d have had a better chance against the Rooks than these Vandals.
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Saba seems to be one of the better bowlers too. UCC falling apart. The way Mr Sim has gone about taking his two catches suggests United are very unfortunate indeed.
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Might get myself some earmuffs for fielding in cold weather.
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He’s probably not the best player but top 3 or 4.
There’s anything guy called Honey Gori who has played proper pro cricket.
We had a player who played for Glamorgan 2nds who was really good.
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A. Sharma is my new favourite cricketer.
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The new bowler bowls two long hops that our opener missed out on, he then played the same shot to a ball that wasn’t there for it and is haplessly lbw. Never mind.
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At least Sharma’s still there. Joshi seems to have gone at least two places down the order compared to the earlier game. Hard to tell whether that’s on performance or because he’s still knackered.
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And my man’s gone. Thought it was going to Sim and might be safe, but the keeper came round to make sure.
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Sim takes his third catch and this time doesn’t look like dropping it. UCC 67/9, better than the Rooks managed!
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We’ve got Saba for 8! Could have had a couple more as well, game on.
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God, that Aussie that isn’t my boy Dany’s got an irritating voice.
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Very similar game to my one on Sunday (we didn’t get enough runs, bowlers went much better than expected, got the main man out cheaply, dropped catches and a steady away run chase got there in the end with just over an over left). My bowling in my pretend seam bowler guise was very similar to Baghel’s with a stuttering short run up, a little jump to try and convince people it was something I normally do and it not coming out very fast with some of it being OK and some of it shit.
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UCC were pretty heroic in both games I thought as we’re obviously proper underdogs.
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tomas francis for the lions – you heard it here first
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@Slade – Don’t really see that it would be a great shock if he went, perhaps a bit of one if he makes the test team I guess.
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he’s been really good this year and is as fit as i have ever seen him…………
my first name on the sheet – in terms of ability in position would be Jo Marler – but I doubt he would like to tour.
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Do you mean in any position? I find that a bit surprising as he never really nailed a starting spot and didn’t play in the 6N. I hope he isn’t going as he’s a complete and utter pillock apart from anything else though the loosehead spot is pretty open I guess.
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(starting spot for England)
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Who plays loosehead for Exeter?
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Ben Moon and Alec Hepburn are the two seniors.
ps Marler’s twattery was not considered
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Marler’s not going to want to spend 7 weeks away from his family I’d’ve thought. His family might have other thoughts on the matter, mind.
Francis is a good call, Sladey. Never gets smashed at the scrum by the Saffers, works really hard around the park now, doesn’t grope opposition players.
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Does he really stand out ahead of Sutherland/Healy/Vunipola/Jones? I don’t see it, certainly no more so than for example Itoje/Furlong/Faletau for example look pretty obvious for their positions. And Beirne for a position (at the very least in the 23) given his 6N.
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Sutherland doubtful due to shoulder injury. Even if it does clear up in time, he won’t have played very much rugby
before the tour starts. Shame, ‘cos he was a good candidate to go
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Belgian farmer accidentally moves French border
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-56978344
Should it come to war, I’m on the side of the Belgians.
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It reminds me that I was looking at border lengths last week and France’s longest border is with Brazil.
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French Guyana isn’t it? Or is it just Guyana now? Think the spelling might be wrong.
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French Guiana (I think). Guyana was a British colony before it became independent, expect it was French, Spanish or Dutch before that. Guyana makes up part of west Indies cricket.
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I’d be happy if Marler didn’t tour. He’s given us grief in the past. I rate him as a scrummager, but his twattery may count against him. From a Lions perspective, I’m sensing unease at 9, possibly 10 as well as 8 – back 3 unsettled and maybe not cohesive depending on Billy vs Faletau for the 8 jersey?
Who’s the standout 2 and back up? Genuine question as I don’t know. Plenty of options at 6 and 7 despite comment above and lock I think. Lots of options in the outside backs.
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The unease at 10 is largely whether Gats goes with the flair of Russell (unlikely), the cutting edge of Ford (is he available? Not heard much about him on the chatter) or the dependability of Farrell at the expense of the outside backs. I’m not convinced by the Ford-Farrell axis at 10-12 despite success over the years. Also, will the Sarries contingent have enough top rugby under their belts by the time they tour?
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