the Not Johnny Clegg Story of Travel In Africa
We climbed quickly into the air and escaped the clutches of Kinshasa below us, with Brazza rapidly fading behind us too as we headed towards Douala and sanity. It’s a relatively short flight, across Congo-Brazza, Gabon, and I would imagine Equatorial Guinea, before getting to Cameroon. There was the odd bit of turbulence as we flew into the darkness of a tropical night, the sun setting very quickly in Africa, no dilly-dallying like in Europe. We were to transfer from the international side to the domestic side and get a flight to Yaoundé from there, with our host Eric, who would provide our visas on arrival. Douala soon appeared on the horizon, lights flickering in the distance, a reassuring sign that we were on track. Then they disappeared. Just for a couple of minutes, then reappeared. If we’re being blocked by mountains, I thought, we’re pretty fucking low to the ground. But the lights were well below us – it was just a normal night of patchy electricity, with generators kicking in whenever the power failed. Which was often.
We landed without problems and soon made our way into the arrivals hall. Rob and his Gabonese business partner rounded us up, including a young woman from South Africa’s tourism board, who spoke fluent French, having grown up in exile in Paris and attended a swanky school there, she told me. Several times. Where was Eric? We needed our visas and clearance to get to the domestic flight. Turns out his flight from Yaoundé had been cancelled due to bad weather. No visas, no entry. No power, no lights. And every time the lights came back on, the South Africans were clear to everyone – diving on their luggage to make sure nobody stole it in the dark. For shame! After a couple of hours of hanging around the humid arrivals desk, our Gabonese colleague arguing with the officials in a combination of French and English, with a few choice Zulu and Afrikaans swearwords thrown in, had managed to get us out of the airport and off to a hotel for the night, our connecting flight having long since departed. Only problem, we had to leave our passports behind.
We headed to the Akwa Palace Hotel, not too far away and close to the Wouri River, where logs were floated down from the interior, destined mainly for China. It was late by now and everything was closed. Our host managed to get a chef and waitress to serve us dinner. “Just remember – everything makes you sick, so stick to overcooked chicken!” Rob hissed in my ear. I looked at the menu, and asked the waitress what she’d recommend. “The ndolé! It’s delicious!” was the immediate, infectious response. I was sold. It’s basically a wild spinach that is cooked in a variety of different ways depending on location and culture. Mine came with chillies, shrimp and peanuts. It was superb. I got lost in the tastes as Rob was demanding sauce to make his overcooked chicken palatable. He lathered it on the leathery fowl and launched into it, before lunging for a beer and gulping it down as the piri-piri sauce caught his throat. Once he’d stopped choking, he shut up for a bit. What a win!
Before dawn the next morning we got into our air-conditioned 4×4 and started the five hour, 230km trip to Yaoundé, Cameroon’s capital city. We’d arrived about two weeks before the elections, held faithfully every seven years by incumbent Paul Biya in the solid knowledge that they’re rigged in his favour and France prefers him in power to the unknown*. What it did mean, though, was that as we traversed the countryside, we hit army roadblocks every 20 or 30 kilometres. The process was simple: the driver drove as fast as he could through the winding roads of the forest and open grasslands, overtaking massive logging trucks and petrol hauliers without much thought for what may be coming the other way, at equally breakneck speed; hooting at everything in sight, through small villages with timber houses, some painted brightly, others not, scattering chickens, children and goats as he went. As the rudimentary roadblocks loomed – a plank with nine-inch nails facing upwards and soldiers with AK-47s manning them in case you decide to skip them – he would swear, screech to a halt and put his subservient smiley face on. Because we didn’t have our passports back yet. No sweat, he calmly gave his identity card and a wad of cash at each stop and we were on our way again. In retrospect, we were beyond lucky that we weren’t locked up for days or weeks on end while the issue was sorted out, but yours truly was filled with the bonhomie of a man released from the shame of apartheid, and faith in the humanity of all people. Basically, a naïve idiot. But it was this trip, careening through the rainforests, our driver and minder** regaling stories of Roger Milla and other football heroes, the forests flying by with stunning majesty, smells, sounds and lighting, with Manu Dibango, Salif Keita and Youssou N’Dour for company, that cemented my love for the continent, my people and its music. I can still smell those rainforests whenever I hear that music. I can still recall the arguments about which of the Biyiks was the better footballer. Magical.
We arrived in Yaoundé just before 9 am, so just in time for the start of the main conference to cement ties between South Africa and Cameroon. We sat at the podium, with yours truly to do the introductory speech, much to my horror. We waited patiently for the local dignitaries to arrive. Then took a coffee break at 10am. By 11am, when the local governor and minister of trade had decided which of them would enter last to the greater fanfare, we got underway. Sort of. We had to wait for the TV crews to get back from their own break and then repeat the sweeping entrances and ovations. That done, brief introductory speeches out of the way, it was time for lunch.***
Host Eric was in fine fettle by now, with coverage on national television assured, and took us to an ‘eco-lodge’ for lunch. It was a beautiful wooden house perched on top of a hill looking across tropical forests as far as the eye could see. It was built from the trees that once inhabited the hill and the now lack of vegetation was creating serious erosion, which the owner, who wanted to build another twenty of them on the hills around there, seemed oblivious to. Lunch was great though – donkey, pork and goat meat skewers presented on a grooved wooden platter with different spices in each groove. You rolled your skewer in whichever one you wanted, and they then grilled it for you. Served with deep-fried plantains, now a firm favourite of mine and washed down with a small 33 Export. Back to the hotel just in time for the coffee break.
By this stage, trouble was brewing in paradise, with Rob and his sidekick demanding our passports back and accusing Eric of effectively holding us hostage. Eric was incensed, accusing them of wanting a free trip that they were simply using for their own business. I stayed out of it, figuring that he who holds the passport is king. And he also had my plane ticket. The afternoon flew past, with recriminations replaced by reconciliations and renewed animosity by turn, but I was meeting with great people, many of whom were interested in sending their kids to South African universities. I was happy to oblige, having recently been at one and helped them with entrance requirements on return.
Eric then introduced me to a good friend of his – the CEO of the local branch of one of the world’s largest tobacco companies. We were soon off to his aunt’s fantastic restaurant* for dinner, with a bunch of South African Air Force pilots for company as well. They were training the Cameroon Air Force, but seldom got into the skies because of the weather, so spent most of their time drinking in the hotel. And then being grounded because they weren’t in any condition to fly. Dinner was sublime, again, with a variety of seafood, meats, vegetables and casava concoctions that I can’t remember the names of. The rest of the week followed a fairly similar pattern of torturous Cameroonian hierarchy politics, wasted time, great meetings, better food and excellent company. Time to head back to Douala and the final leg of our journey – still (worryingly) no passports in sight.
*Sorry Flair, that was the distinct impression given to us at the time, and it persists today!
**We imagined he was just there to keep us safe from harm, but was in fact Secret Service assigned to us to make sure we weren’t spying on the elections, we found out much later.
***I think you’re getting to understand that I’m a victim of largesse in all of this and lunches were thrust one me at an early age.
As digested by Deebee7
Onna telly this week
Friday 30th April
| Leicester v Ulster | 20:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| France v England (women) | 20:00 | BBC iPlayer/Red Button |
Saturday 1st May
| Stormers v Sharks | 13:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Toulouse v Bordeaux | 15:00 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 3 |
| Bulls v Lions | 18:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Bath v Montpellier | 20:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 2nd May
| La Rochelle v Leinster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
I knew there were two Guyana/Guianas, just couldn’t remember which was which.
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There were three as Surinam is former Dutch Guiana.
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Suriname.
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That’s almost as bad as all the Guineas in Africa.
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Thinking there were only two is more than understandable. I often get caught out because the influence of the atlas I pored over as a kid and when it was printed is still very strong. Part of me still believes in Upper Volta etc.
As I said last week we shouldn’t be too hard on people who sometimes think the capital of Nigeria is Lagos.
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@Deebee – There’s Sexton as well who has had the best career of the lot of them, but is past his best. In part I’d say that because he seems to quite often struggle to make it through games. When he does he’s still usually good though. Farrell has had a bit of a non-season, don’t know when he last played 10 other than presumably for Sarries in the Championship, but I think prior to this season would definitely get picked (I think he still will). Biggar is possibly the best of the lot if the pack are struggling, Ford would for me be the worst in that situation though not far off the best if they’re on top. I don’t think Russell is that unreliable and can do stuff that the others can’t or don’t so I’d go with him.
Think I’d go Russell, Sexton, Biggar. Hard to second guess Gats, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he does take Russell despite what people say, but which two of the others he’d take then I’ve no idea.
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“Who’s the standout 2 and back up?”
Ken Owens probably had the best 6N. George would presumably have been first choice before that, but was very much part of the Saracens malaise and Cowan-Dickie looked better. Not sure how settled Ireland are on Rory Best’s successor and think the two main Scotland hookers from the last few years both ended up injured?
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Farrell played at outside half against Scotland. It didn’t go too well from memory.
I’d go with Russell + Biggar probably. Russell was probably the most consistent of all the outside halves in the 6 Nations. Possibly my only doubt about Russell is his goal kicking but he’s fairly good at that.
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Herring played some good games for Ireland and probably knows enough Afrikaans to have a guess at the line-out calls, but now they whisper them to the hooker that might not be much of an advantage.
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I forgot they played that centre against Scotland who he didn’t pass to and then dropped him.
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We were down to 3rd and 4th choice hookers.
Turner was good apart from his line-out meltdown vs Ireland. Cherry is a very reliable hooker.
I think brown is past his best sadly, plus he’s a penalty magnet and injury prone. Mcinally is great but he’s been out injured too long
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So Owens, LCD and George it is then. Scots not making a contribution and can’t be doing with Saffers who play for Ireland, terrible combination.
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Don’t the scarlets have a plethora of world class hookers waiting to storm SA?
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@Chimpie – I’m all for them starting Ken, won’t that do?
Ryan Elias took a bit of a downturn in the Autumn Whatsit Thingy when it comes to world domination.
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Oldham Athletic >> Man City
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Wotcha!
Chimpie:
‘Hear me out: why Johnny Mnemonic isn’t a bad movie’
Yikes. Really scraping the barrel here. It’s not a bad movie. It’s an atrocious movie. And I say that as a fan of bad movies.
The short story it is based on is fantastic. Not enough material to spin out into a film hence the shiteness.
Cat hates the author so probably loves the film and not the book.
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Cat had some odd ideas about books, the contrary scamp. Gibson could be brilliant & worth noting he pretty much started the whole cyberpunk genre. So much out there is derivative of his work.
Not read the short story of Johnny Mnemonic. The fillum, however… Boak.
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Talking of odd opinions I think chek’s most ridiculous was dissing Demolition Man.
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Reminds me of an old french saying about beverages in Britain: when in doubt, if it’s cold, its soup. If it’s warm, its beer.
Sorry Flair but I can’t let this go. Cellar cooled ipa or bitter or mild or stout >>>>>>>>> cold faux pilsner.
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Anyhoo, everyone got their stocks of outrage topped up for tomorrow?
I’m ready to rage at gats leaving out any number of random yoofs and long in the tooth current and former internationals
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‘if it’s cold, its soup. If it’s warm, its beer.’
Someone’s going to tell me Asterix in Britain isn’t a historically accurate document, what?
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Chimpie – find yourself a copy of ‘Burning Chrome’ (my copy died in the fire). I thoroughly recommend it as a collection of short stories.
Cat didn’t like Gibson’s writing style which can be a bit marmite I guess so I didn’t hold it against him. Like William Burroughs, some people think he’s genius, some can’t get 2 pages into it.
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I think I’ve read burning chrome. can’t remember anything about though. was probably the 90s.
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Proper Plzen: 5 to 8 degrees. That’s all.
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I haven’t really been paying attention to rugby recently. 2 bits of logistics conspired against me last week. As you know (cos you memorise all my posts) we are doing some landscape gardening and I ordered 3 ton bags of hard core and ballast to be delivered hopefully round the back next to our garden. If they couldn’t deliver then then at least I could wheelbarrow everything through the house to the back relatively easily.
Then we had our kitchen delivered (yay) into our front room (boo). And then the big lorry came as they didn’t have a driver for the small lorry. So the bags were delivered on my front porch and required moving around the terrace to the back.
2 hours and 27k steps (per my fitbit) later i was faaaarked. But we got there and now have a lovely path in the garden.
The kitchen is being fitted right now so I may be able to cook something indoors by the end of the week!!!
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Tomp – absolutely.
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Of course I forgot about Sexton, but would he and Murray be up to a condensed Test series, with two played at altitude? Or am I overegging the age factor? I’d also be worried if I were Gats that Sexton would last a series against a physical side like the Boks after his history of head injuries.
I see Tuilagi is being touted as being in prime condition for the Lions tour, so presumably playing at 12, which makes the 10 question all the more pertinent if you can’t shoehorn Farrell in there for his kicking and defence. Again, fitness over a series (and temperament) may count against Manu?
it’s a short tour, which should count in favour of those who are injury prone or ageing, but it’s quite intense: the three top Super Rugby franchises (probably minus their Bok squad players, but still) and two invitational sides, probably largely fringe Bok players, before the 3 Tests.
5 matches in 14 days, then a week’s break before the 1st test means little room for experiment or injury replacements. On the other hand, they’ll be battle hardened against a Bok side that hasn’t played since the World Cup, bar the warm ups before the 1st test.
Lions to sweep it 3-0.
Hooker doesn’t sound great, but the three leading players are all decent enough, so no cause for panic if they all make the plane.
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Apologies for the rambling incoherence above, I wrote that between meetings and phone calls over the course of the morning. Forgot to mention that the Lions haven’t lost a series since the 2007 one over here, so must be the bookies favourites. Surely?
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Apologies for the rambling incoherence above
I haven’t had a chance to read the atl deebs but it’s good on all accounts.
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@Deebee – Murray has just turned 32 so isn’t anything like as ancient as Sexton. He has been a bit crap the last couple of years though with some signs of getting back on it recently.
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2009 Deebee, in 2007 your lot were busy beating a load of crap teams to win a World Cup.
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I’ll be happy if the games are as good as the 2009 ones. One of the nice things about the Lions is it doesn’t really hurt if they lose, but it’s lovely if they win (or draw if it annoys NZ).
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Cmw – I don’t think the Kiwis would mind a draw this year.
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I really want this too happen
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@Craigs
Hope you’ve not used any of that nasty JLP stuff or propped it with stuff from IKEA…………………………
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Slade – are you talking about my kitchen?
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Must be and no.
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Always makes me laugh that the John Lewis shop at Canary Wharf (that sells furniture and stuff) is called “Waitrose”. Obviously to make it sound posher.
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phew!
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our new kitchen is underway and, just to redress the balance, all the furniture carcasses are from ikea………..
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OT, If they wanted to go posh they’d’ve called it Peter Jones.
Did you see the new Alan Partridge? Early mention of Oldham. Very funny all round.
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Introducing LifeHax by Craig’s
OT – if you find yourself at Canary Wharf in need of a coffee the stand in Waitrose does them for the price of a banana provided you have your MyWaitrose card.
LifeHax ends
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Should start doing TikToks
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Slade – that’s very good to hear. Glad your job is significantly quicker than mine.
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@tomp
I did see the latest Partridge and the mention of Oldham. Coogan may be from Middleton but he does like to stick in an Oldham reference now and then. In his earliest radio Partridge shows he mentioned Tandle Hill which means nowt to most people but gives me another thing to bore people with.
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Should’ve also confirmed ownership of a banana with the coffee.
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@craigs
So do you buy a banana and get a free coffee? Or do you buy a coffee for the price of a banana and get a free banana? Or do you buy a banana and a coffee for the price of two bananas?
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He even mentioned Professor Sir Brain Cox.
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2009 Deebee, in 2007 your lot were busy beating a load of crap teams to win a World Cup.
Yes, 2009 obviously. Was just checking if anybody reads posts here. 2007 was glorious! We beat everything put in front of us. Not our problem the Kiwis and Aussies choked in losing to sides that couldn’t even get to the Final. France then choking in the SF on their own patch against a side the Boks nilled a couple of weeks before that. I suppose only Argentina came out of that World Cup with heads held high. Maybe Fiji too actually -, almost shocking the Boks in the QF.
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England beat Australia and reached the final.
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