the Not Johnny Clegg Story of Travel In Africa
We climbed quickly into the air and escaped the clutches of Kinshasa below us, with Brazza rapidly fading behind us too as we headed towards Douala and sanity. It’s a relatively short flight, across Congo-Brazza, Gabon, and I would imagine Equatorial Guinea, before getting to Cameroon. There was the odd bit of turbulence as we flew into the darkness of a tropical night, the sun setting very quickly in Africa, no dilly-dallying like in Europe. We were to transfer from the international side to the domestic side and get a flight to Yaoundé from there, with our host Eric, who would provide our visas on arrival. Douala soon appeared on the horizon, lights flickering in the distance, a reassuring sign that we were on track. Then they disappeared. Just for a couple of minutes, then reappeared. If we’re being blocked by mountains, I thought, we’re pretty fucking low to the ground. But the lights were well below us – it was just a normal night of patchy electricity, with generators kicking in whenever the power failed. Which was often.
We landed without problems and soon made our way into the arrivals hall. Rob and his Gabonese business partner rounded us up, including a young woman from South Africa’s tourism board, who spoke fluent French, having grown up in exile in Paris and attended a swanky school there, she told me. Several times. Where was Eric? We needed our visas and clearance to get to the domestic flight. Turns out his flight from Yaoundé had been cancelled due to bad weather. No visas, no entry. No power, no lights. And every time the lights came back on, the South Africans were clear to everyone – diving on their luggage to make sure nobody stole it in the dark. For shame! After a couple of hours of hanging around the humid arrivals desk, our Gabonese colleague arguing with the officials in a combination of French and English, with a few choice Zulu and Afrikaans swearwords thrown in, had managed to get us out of the airport and off to a hotel for the night, our connecting flight having long since departed. Only problem, we had to leave our passports behind.
We headed to the Akwa Palace Hotel, not too far away and close to the Wouri River, where logs were floated down from the interior, destined mainly for China. It was late by now and everything was closed. Our host managed to get a chef and waitress to serve us dinner. “Just remember – everything makes you sick, so stick to overcooked chicken!” Rob hissed in my ear. I looked at the menu, and asked the waitress what she’d recommend. “The ndolé! It’s delicious!” was the immediate, infectious response. I was sold. It’s basically a wild spinach that is cooked in a variety of different ways depending on location and culture. Mine came with chillies, shrimp and peanuts. It was superb. I got lost in the tastes as Rob was demanding sauce to make his overcooked chicken palatable. He lathered it on the leathery fowl and launched into it, before lunging for a beer and gulping it down as the piri-piri sauce caught his throat. Once he’d stopped choking, he shut up for a bit. What a win!
Before dawn the next morning we got into our air-conditioned 4×4 and started the five hour, 230km trip to Yaoundé, Cameroon’s capital city. We’d arrived about two weeks before the elections, held faithfully every seven years by incumbent Paul Biya in the solid knowledge that they’re rigged in his favour and France prefers him in power to the unknown*. What it did mean, though, was that as we traversed the countryside, we hit army roadblocks every 20 or 30 kilometres. The process was simple: the driver drove as fast as he could through the winding roads of the forest and open grasslands, overtaking massive logging trucks and petrol hauliers without much thought for what may be coming the other way, at equally breakneck speed; hooting at everything in sight, through small villages with timber houses, some painted brightly, others not, scattering chickens, children and goats as he went. As the rudimentary roadblocks loomed – a plank with nine-inch nails facing upwards and soldiers with AK-47s manning them in case you decide to skip them – he would swear, screech to a halt and put his subservient smiley face on. Because we didn’t have our passports back yet. No sweat, he calmly gave his identity card and a wad of cash at each stop and we were on our way again. In retrospect, we were beyond lucky that we weren’t locked up for days or weeks on end while the issue was sorted out, but yours truly was filled with the bonhomie of a man released from the shame of apartheid, and faith in the humanity of all people. Basically, a naïve idiot. But it was this trip, careening through the rainforests, our driver and minder** regaling stories of Roger Milla and other football heroes, the forests flying by with stunning majesty, smells, sounds and lighting, with Manu Dibango, Salif Keita and Youssou N’Dour for company, that cemented my love for the continent, my people and its music. I can still smell those rainforests whenever I hear that music. I can still recall the arguments about which of the Biyiks was the better footballer. Magical.
We arrived in Yaoundé just before 9 am, so just in time for the start of the main conference to cement ties between South Africa and Cameroon. We sat at the podium, with yours truly to do the introductory speech, much to my horror. We waited patiently for the local dignitaries to arrive. Then took a coffee break at 10am. By 11am, when the local governor and minister of trade had decided which of them would enter last to the greater fanfare, we got underway. Sort of. We had to wait for the TV crews to get back from their own break and then repeat the sweeping entrances and ovations. That done, brief introductory speeches out of the way, it was time for lunch.***
Host Eric was in fine fettle by now, with coverage on national television assured, and took us to an ‘eco-lodge’ for lunch. It was a beautiful wooden house perched on top of a hill looking across tropical forests as far as the eye could see. It was built from the trees that once inhabited the hill and the now lack of vegetation was creating serious erosion, which the owner, who wanted to build another twenty of them on the hills around there, seemed oblivious to. Lunch was great though – donkey, pork and goat meat skewers presented on a grooved wooden platter with different spices in each groove. You rolled your skewer in whichever one you wanted, and they then grilled it for you. Served with deep-fried plantains, now a firm favourite of mine and washed down with a small 33 Export. Back to the hotel just in time for the coffee break.
By this stage, trouble was brewing in paradise, with Rob and his sidekick demanding our passports back and accusing Eric of effectively holding us hostage. Eric was incensed, accusing them of wanting a free trip that they were simply using for their own business. I stayed out of it, figuring that he who holds the passport is king. And he also had my plane ticket. The afternoon flew past, with recriminations replaced by reconciliations and renewed animosity by turn, but I was meeting with great people, many of whom were interested in sending their kids to South African universities. I was happy to oblige, having recently been at one and helped them with entrance requirements on return.
Eric then introduced me to a good friend of his – the CEO of the local branch of one of the world’s largest tobacco companies. We were soon off to his aunt’s fantastic restaurant* for dinner, with a bunch of South African Air Force pilots for company as well. They were training the Cameroon Air Force, but seldom got into the skies because of the weather, so spent most of their time drinking in the hotel. And then being grounded because they weren’t in any condition to fly. Dinner was sublime, again, with a variety of seafood, meats, vegetables and casava concoctions that I can’t remember the names of. The rest of the week followed a fairly similar pattern of torturous Cameroonian hierarchy politics, wasted time, great meetings, better food and excellent company. Time to head back to Douala and the final leg of our journey – still (worryingly) no passports in sight.
*Sorry Flair, that was the distinct impression given to us at the time, and it persists today!
**We imagined he was just there to keep us safe from harm, but was in fact Secret Service assigned to us to make sure we weren’t spying on the elections, we found out much later.
***I think you’re getting to understand that I’m a victim of largesse in all of this and lunches were thrust one me at an early age.
As digested by Deebee7
Onna telly this week
Friday 30th April
| Leicester v Ulster | 20:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| France v England (women) | 20:00 | BBC iPlayer/Red Button |
Saturday 1st May
| Stormers v Sharks | 13:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Toulouse v Bordeaux | 15:00 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 3 |
| Bulls v Lions | 18:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Bath v Montpellier | 20:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 2nd May
| La Rochelle v Leinster | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Poor Jonny May as well. Been a terrific scorer for England and not a Lion. The wings on the squad are very good, mind.
Navidi not there but tough competition for him. and Sinckler is not either, which I hadn’t noticed before.
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Sharma just smashed a four through point. UCC one down, but also one retired hurt (hit in the face), but still in it for now.
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Surprises – Conan and Aki in. No Sexton or Ryan – probably for the same reason – injury (mainly) – so less surprising. Porter – slightly surprising but playing both sides must have been a big plus.
Bit surprised by Daly (like Porter – utility helps) and Vunipola (M). Maybe Gareth Davies and Ali Price – but 9 is thin, so anyone other than Murray was a marginal choice.
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@tomp
No Genge either
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…playing both sides….
I’d forgotten this was the reason Matt Stevens got to tour….
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Stevens is a very good guy to have on tour. Key member of the choir plus has contacts.
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UCC were struggling, no boundaries for a couple of overs, then a misfield gives them a 4. They’re still in it.
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Two overs for four is match winning stuff from T Lal for Brno.
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Top work by Sharma. Could have let it go for a wide but slashes, thick edges and the balls slides past the fielder for 4.
Then a much better shot for 4 more.
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Sharma dropped!
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Hospital at the ground for the lad who got a smack in the face.
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Sad that I’m not going and sad for Jack Nowell -on reputation. An on top form Daly is good – but he isn’t. Looks like Gats has fallen for the Daly “big boot” and of course, his quality cover for 15.
I think that the backs will miss Henry’s slick skils.
Amazed for Johnny Hill, Happy for LC-D and Hogg and thrilled for Sam Simmonds.
Well done everyone else and tough/commiserations for those that missed out.
I’d have taken Navidi – is there history or injury?
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Two sixes in the first 3 balls of over 9. Getting to it.
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Can’t say I’m surprised by lack of Sinckler – I don’t think he is nuggety enough (and there is history between him and Gats).
I think Vunipola M. is a bit fortunate.
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Good effort from UCC, wasn’t to be.
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So close. Good last over by Rahut Ali wins it for Brno.
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CMW, Malta have been forced to pull out of that quadrangular tournament later in the month so down to Austria, Lux and CR.
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Back row appears to be up for grabs.
6 between Beirne, Itoje, Lawes, Simmonds, Curry (perhaps Tipiruc as well)
7 between Curry, Tipuric, Watson (potentially Simmonds but I doubt it)
8 Netween Conan, Faletau and Simmonds.
Faletau appears to be in the strongest position.
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I guess the weaknesses in the Lions squad are the ones we knew there would be, chiefly scrum half and centre.
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Disappointed though not surprised there are a couple of ringers in there when there were other good (in VdM’s case) and OK (Aki) options. Aki has been playing in Ireland a long time though I suppose even if he is more likely to get sent off than anything else.
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New game. Brno v Baabaas. Steyn glances the ball to fine leg, fine leg underarms it to the keeper who throws down the stumps at the bowlers end and a run out. 1-1 off 1.
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Scrum half options are solid enough without being Dupont level I’ve not got too many worries there.
Centres are lacking a bit of attacking guile and sparkle but definitely a solid defensive line up [1]
[1] no comment on Farrel’s heid shots & the possibility of Daly at centre
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and………………in other news:
-Paul McCartney to feature on postage stamps
https://www.theguardian.com/music/2021/may/06/paul-mccartney-appear-postage-stamps-royal-mail
– and UK (aka England) has sent it’s gunboat(s):
https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2021/may/05/uk-hits-back-at-french-threat-to-cut-jerseys-electricity-supply
Personally, I’d have sent Macca to sing to them……………
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Personally I fucking hate Macca.
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VDM was the top 6N scorer, had the best tackles broken / breaks stats and offers something a bit different to the others so can understand his inclusion. I’d be surprised if he made the test team over the other options, but they are all really good players.
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Tis a shame Sam Underhill was injured but pleased to see Watson there. Losing Sink is a big call but not entirely surprising given the alternatives.
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Wonder what Squidge is going to say about Gats leaving out the best FH inna wurld.
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Squidge is absorbed in more pressing matters
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No May a travesty, as is Daly in ( hopefully he won’t get a look in ). Also Big MacDuhan in is plain wrong. Confirmation that Gatland is a prick. Navidi unlucky. Mako lucky.
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Is Genge unlucky?
And is Sinckler unlucky?
Depends whether or not the props selected ahead of them are better I suppose.
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I would have Genge over Mako, for sure. Mako and Daly may well raise their game for the Lions, they can both be class. If theydo , they should be fired into the sun for not being motivated for England, and never picked again.
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SBT, agreed about Mako and Genge. Neither Vunipola has done much in the last while. I’m delighted that Johnny May missed out, probably the best outside back England have had recently, Duhan making it does leave a bit of a bad taste in my mouth but Dammit, Zammit, I love you!
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“However, we are very happy with the squad we have assembled and look forward to meeting up in Jersey in just over a month’s time to start our preparation to take on the world champions.”
Assuming the French fleet lets them into Jersey.
Henry Slade may also have been a bit unlucky, perhaps another victim of England’s crap 6N form. Another victim of the Sarries salary cap debacle.
For me, the only reason you have Lawes in the squad is to counter PS du Toit – surely Johnny Gray is a better 2nd row option? Would Itoje also not be a better option for that?
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‘For me, the only reason you have Lawes in the squad is to counter PS du Toit – surely Johnny Gray is a better 2nd row option? Would Itoje also not be a better option for that?’
Beirne fulfils the big fizzical athletic 6 with breakdown skillz role. Adding to which he’s on top form currently.
Itoje & Lawes have also been known to dabble at 6 but if you ask me their better in the 2nd row. Lawes & Hill can probably consider themselves a bit lucky to be there, for me Gray is better than Hill & Lawes has been very good in the past but is coming back from injury. Also Ryan is a good player but think he’s had concussion issues recently which may partically account for his absence.
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Also not getting the hyperventilating about Sinckler not making it.
Furlong is the obvious front runner, Porter is also good, and Fagerson (bar his dumb red) had a better 6N if you ask me.
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Regardless of who should or shouldn’t go, there is the core of an excellent team there, with a glaring weakness at SH and centres.
Biggar and Farrell are basically the same player, so I’d have taken only one of them and brought Ford.
I’d have also chosen Ritchie.
I hope France do not cut off the electricity in Jersey. That’d impair all those glorious training sessions. Mind, they’ve got history: after all, they did it already during the womens game last week.
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I would have picked Matthew Screech before Hill.
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Seriously.
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He was subbed off vs Wales (early) and Scotland (late) in 6N and missed France and England – played all vs Italy…. not really saying “pick me”, I’m afraid.
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Is Richie Gray really that far down the second row pecking order?
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Richie is, Jonny should be on the plane.
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i don’t think the choice is hill or gray – they have different roles at exeter anyway – gray biased towards close in tackle work and narrow channel competition; hill is more full-field and a very good runner. obviously both very strong at line-out. gray’s bright star has seemed a little dull this year, whereas hill’s has grown bright.
nb i exclude england performances this year as most players didn’t seem to know what was expected of them.
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“Centres are lacking a bit of attacking guile and sparkle but definitely a solid defensive line up ”
Farrell at 12 doesn’t inspire me greatly though it inspires me more than Farrell at 10. Aki is obviously a bit straight up and down though I suppose he has played in an exciting attacking side with Connacht and they will need a carrier. Both of those sometimes struggle a bit with the current high tackle interpretations, Aki especially. Daly looked horribly out of sorts in the 6N. I must have seen quite a few Scotland games in which Harris has played and I’m well aware that they have improved a great deal defensively with him in the side, but I can’t remember for the life of me what he looks like which suggests he might not have done a great deal of snazzy stuff with the ball. They certainly don’t need Henshaw to get injured.
Guessing it might well be Farrell and Henshaw.
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Pretty sure if any prop get injured Kyle is onna plane innit.
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Wagwan, Craigs, fam, Ellis innit if loosie an ting.
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Sbt – methinks Kyle is a tight head tho. Agree though. Maybe if lawes gets injured also.
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Chimpie
Lawes a good player but again a bit of a reputation pick.
Reputation prick, shurely?
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Reputation prick
My goodness.
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Quite like Courtney, whats he done to upset Thaum ? Always seemed quite personable.
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