It has come to my attention that sports that are not Rugby Union not only exist, but have enthusiastic fans. Here is a brief round-up.
Cricket
As I remember it from Primary School, cricket is a sport played with a tennis ball and tennis racquet (see also: Rounders). It didn’t have a very clear objective other than whacking your opponents in the heid with the ball, if you were batting … or indeed if you were fielding.
Fast-forward about twenty years, and find yourself working in Detroit (the horror), when there is a departmental sports day. Your department is IT-related, so it has a fair number of Brits and a lot of Indians. You have to choose between cricket, rounders baseball, and some other shite I don’t remember, probably American Football or possibly Association Football.
You decide the cricket has the most congenial participants.
What you are not prepared for is the level of trash-talking.
You are throwing the ball worse than my very honoured old, old grandmother.
Happily this was not directed at me.
Sheepdog Trials
I am quite enthusiastic about this sport, at least as a televisual spectator. It has cute, furry animals – as well as dogs and sheep – strategy, tactics and drama, and a Four Nations type of rivalry.
In this year’s One Man and His Dog (although many participants are female, and for the adults there were two dogs), tragedy struck when the most horrendously uncooperative sheep ever bred were assigned to the Irish adult contestant, after the junior Irish contestant had had his dog spooked by a fly-over plane. Even the English commentators were awestruck by the recalcitrance of the sheep. Yer poor man had to call his dogs off before their hearts were broken forever.
Everybody smelt a fix-up.
Ice Hockey
Easily the most watchable sport of the popular North American ones – although there may be some interesting Mexican sports what I wot not of – ice hockey is fast-paced and vicious. Players are not afraid to use their deadly-sharp blades against opponents if they can get away with it.
Yet it’s all kindergarten stuff when compared to girls’ hockey in primary school, where there were no proper refs or television replays of fouls. You will notice that a hockey stick is perfectly curved to hook around the ankle, and hard enough to do serious damage if whacked on bone, by ‘mistakenly’ missing the ball.
I played centre forward, and there are no more exciting yet chilling words than ground sticks, ground sticks, ground sticks, ball. Like rugby, you never knew if you would finish the match with the same number of bones or teeth.
Tennis
Tennis is another one of those sports played with a tennis racquet and tennis ball. It can be a good background to a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Recently we had the spectacle of the relatively unknown Brit Emma Raducanu unexpectedly working her way up from the qualifying rounds, without losing a set, to beat a Canadian meringue for the US Open title. She then sacked her coach, and lost the next match in straight sets.
Maybe she will learn from Cardiff, and hire Dai Young.
Dressage
Dressage is a highly under-appreciated sport* in which the goal is to keep your horse’s head tucked into his or her chest and have him/her prance around in various ways. It is much more difficult than it looks, and especially difficult when your horse is a ‘rescued’ Thoroughbred who is more interested in being scared of everything and consequently galloping blindly over everything that exists in the whole wide world while looking more like a panicking giraffe than a tucked-head dressage clone.
It’s therefore very rewarding when you manage to win a minor ribbon.
*All right, it’s boring as hell to watch, except possibly at the very top levels.
Snooker
This is another sport at which I have some competitive experience. Or, as the mister puts it, You played pool, not fucking snooker. Stop telling them to pot all the balls.
I’m sure we can all agree that he is wrong and that Alex ‘Hurricane’ Higgins – who indeed tried to pot all the balls – was the greatest snooker player to ever live.
Equestrian Cross-Country (see also: Steeplechasing)
Avoid. These people are more insane and fearless than the Terminator.
Onna telly this week
Friday 29th October
| Gloucester v Exeter | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 30th October
| Castres v Brive | 14:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Scotland v Tonga | 14:30 | Prime |
| Northampton v Leicester | 15:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| Montpellier v Lyon | 16:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Wales v New Zealand | 17:15 | Prime |
| Bordeaux v Clermont | 20:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
Sunday 31st October
| England v New Zealand (women) | 14:30 | BBC2 / iPlayer | ||
| Harlequins v Saracens | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 | ||
| Racing 92 v Toulouse | 19:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Lionel Blair RIP
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Who can forget when Michael Aspel gave Lionel Blair two minutes to pull off 12 Angry Men?
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I saw LB once at Caledonian Road station. Nothing more to my anecdote than that.
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‘Who can forget when Michael Aspel gave Lionel Blair two minutes to pull off 12 Angry Men?’
This doesn’t sound like family entertainment.
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Radio 4 at 6:30 on Mondays, repeated on Sunday at 12:04.
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@TomP – Is it known what Lionel Blair thought of all that?
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I’ve never seen Lionel Blair, but my aunt’s brother bears a very strong resemblance to him. Only seen him once mind when he arrived at my cousin’s wake to be greeted by a thick-set bald man also in his seventies with a very strong Norfolk accent who bellowed “You don’t go to your own mother’s funeral, what d’you want to come to this one for?!” and was about to take a swing at him until another cousin stepped in and broke it up.
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I worked on a quiz show called Cross Wits long ago (punter and celeb vs punter and celeb) – Lionel Blair was the celeb a couple of times. I found him lovely bloke – great with the crew and seemed to genuinely enjoy the whole thing. IIRC at end of the series whole crew went to a chinese in Stowell St (Newcastle’s “Chinatown”) – LB came too and spend the evening moving from table to table to mix with everyone
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He didn’t like them very much.
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“LB came too”
That’s nice to hear, I was getting fed up of hearing about him pulling other people off.
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Someone’s nicked ticht’s name for this gritty Scottish film is coming soon to Netflix:
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Thauma, you have mail.
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Tomp – Robin Hood got his castle back.
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Yosoy would love this:
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In the not-Lionel-Blair story not having seen not-Lionel previously and having no idea who he was added something to it from my point of view. The bald guy I had met before and believe he is some sort of relative of my aunt’s and therefore a relative of mine. My cousin did tell me later on who he was, but then we finished the gin and moved on to the brandy. All I can now remember about him is that he was one of a group of adults that sometimes included my uncle who would go to the football at Carrow Road with my cousin when he was a kid. Apparently my father would also go to the match and stand near them even though he wasn’t strictly with them and didn’t want to be. If they got properly pissed which they usually did my dad would step in at some point and tell them that he was taking my cousin home as there was no way he was letting them take him anywhere especially as they were normally driving. My cousin said they didn’t think much of this, but he always ended up going home with my father because he was always in the right.
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Alun Wyn’s percentage of all Wales wins is lower than his percentage of all Wales matches. Useless git.
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It’s almost impossible to believe Yos didn’t create that pie chart.
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Useless git.
Wales by 27 tomorrow.
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Posted without comment:
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@tomp
Oh that is terrific. It is awful in so many ways I don’t even know where to start. Even the attempt at an upper class Scottish accent isn’t the worst bit of it.
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Owen Farrell has tested positive for Covid. One back room staffer as well, but otherwise everyone else is negative. Marcus Smith struggling too. I may have to revise my prediction of a narrow Tongan win.
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As expected, though Ewan Ashman on the pine is a surprise for such a big game
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Some serious talent in that side Ticht. Not convinced about the tight five and the Aussies have found some steel there this year, but behind that, lots to like. I suppose it’ll be a case of whether Russell and Co get enough quality ball to make inroads and do some damage.
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Ashman & Bayliss arguably the only surprises there.
Getting nervous about this. Gonna be a tough game.
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‘Duke of Dunbar’
Wesley’s gone down in the world since the Princess Bride
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That was a painful watch.
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It would have been funny if they’d used the real Dunbar castle – it’s a ruin with a very good chance of falling into the sea if you set foot on it now
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FRANCE XV for Argentina
15. Jaminet ; 14. Penaud, 13. Fickou, 12. Ntamack, 11. Villière ; 10. Jalibert, 9. Dupont (cap.) ; 7. Woki, 8. Jelonch, 6. Cros ; 5. Willemse, 4. Flament ; 3. Haouas, 2. Marchand, 1. Baille.
Bench : 16. Mauvaka, 17. Gros, 18. Bamba, 19. Taofifenua, 20. Alldritt, 21. Macalou, 22. Lucu, 23. Danty.
Some surprises: no Dulin, Alldrit on the bench, Flament gets his first cap, Haouas and Villière straight back in after injuries.
Worth noting: Jamibert and Ntamack both start. Could be fun.
Also Macalou on the bench covers both flanker … and wing.
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‘Your’ Exeter side to face Newcastle:
Simmonds J., Nowell, Hendrickson, Devoto, Hodge
Skinner, Maunder
Hepburn, Yeandle, Williams
Lonsdale, Witty
Kirsten, Armand, Capstick
Burrows, Moon, Iosefa-Scott, Tshiunza, Simmonds S., H-Clyne, Whitten, O’Brien
Hill and Slade with England; Skinner and Hogg with Scotland; Cordero with Argentina.
Injury list includes: LC-D, Street, Gray, Ewers, Vermeulen and sundry others
Burrows is 19yo, 6ft 1in and 17 stone and Wales u20 (as is Tshiunza)
O’Brien ex Connacht.
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Flair, who is the fullback Jaminet ?
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Anyone want to know if there’s any rugby on this weekend?
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