It has come to my attention that sports that are not Rugby Union not only exist, but have enthusiastic fans. Here is a brief round-up.
Cricket
As I remember it from Primary School, cricket is a sport played with a tennis ball and tennis racquet (see also: Rounders). It didn’t have a very clear objective other than whacking your opponents in the heid with the ball, if you were batting … or indeed if you were fielding.
Fast-forward about twenty years, and find yourself working in Detroit (the horror), when there is a departmental sports day. Your department is IT-related, so it has a fair number of Brits and a lot of Indians. You have to choose between cricket, rounders baseball, and some other shite I don’t remember, probably American Football or possibly Association Football.
You decide the cricket has the most congenial participants.
What you are not prepared for is the level of trash-talking.
You are throwing the ball worse than my very honoured old, old grandmother.
Happily this was not directed at me.
Sheepdog Trials
I am quite enthusiastic about this sport, at least as a televisual spectator. It has cute, furry animals – as well as dogs and sheep – strategy, tactics and drama, and a Four Nations type of rivalry.
In this year’s One Man and His Dog (although many participants are female, and for the adults there were two dogs), tragedy struck when the most horrendously uncooperative sheep ever bred were assigned to the Irish adult contestant, after the junior Irish contestant had had his dog spooked by a fly-over plane. Even the English commentators were awestruck by the recalcitrance of the sheep. Yer poor man had to call his dogs off before their hearts were broken forever.
Everybody smelt a fix-up.
Ice Hockey
Easily the most watchable sport of the popular North American ones – although there may be some interesting Mexican sports what I wot not of – ice hockey is fast-paced and vicious. Players are not afraid to use their deadly-sharp blades against opponents if they can get away with it.
Yet it’s all kindergarten stuff when compared to girls’ hockey in primary school, where there were no proper refs or television replays of fouls. You will notice that a hockey stick is perfectly curved to hook around the ankle, and hard enough to do serious damage if whacked on bone, by ‘mistakenly’ missing the ball.
I played centre forward, and there are no more exciting yet chilling words than ground sticks, ground sticks, ground sticks, ball. Like rugby, you never knew if you would finish the match with the same number of bones or teeth.
Tennis
Tennis is another one of those sports played with a tennis racquet and tennis ball. It can be a good background to a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Recently we had the spectacle of the relatively unknown Brit Emma Raducanu unexpectedly working her way up from the qualifying rounds, without losing a set, to beat a Canadian meringue for the US Open title. She then sacked her coach, and lost the next match in straight sets.
Maybe she will learn from Cardiff, and hire Dai Young.
Dressage
Dressage is a highly under-appreciated sport* in which the goal is to keep your horse’s head tucked into his or her chest and have him/her prance around in various ways. It is much more difficult than it looks, and especially difficult when your horse is a ‘rescued’ Thoroughbred who is more interested in being scared of everything and consequently galloping blindly over everything that exists in the whole wide world while looking more like a panicking giraffe than a tucked-head dressage clone.
It’s therefore very rewarding when you manage to win a minor ribbon.
*All right, it’s boring as hell to watch, except possibly at the very top levels.
Snooker
This is another sport at which I have some competitive experience. Or, as the mister puts it, You played pool, not fucking snooker. Stop telling them to pot all the balls.
I’m sure we can all agree that he is wrong and that Alex ‘Hurricane’ Higgins – who indeed tried to pot all the balls – was the greatest snooker player to ever live.
Equestrian Cross-Country (see also: Steeplechasing)
Avoid. These people are more insane and fearless than the Terminator.
Onna telly this week
Friday 29th October
| Gloucester v Exeter | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 30th October
| Castres v Brive | 14:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Scotland v Tonga | 14:30 | Prime |
| Northampton v Leicester | 15:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| Montpellier v Lyon | 16:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Wales v New Zealand | 17:15 | Prime |
| Bordeaux v Clermont | 20:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
Sunday 31st October
| England v New Zealand (women) | 14:30 | BBC2 / iPlayer | ||
| Harlequins v Saracens | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 | ||
| Racing 92 v Toulouse | 19:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Schoey over.
Shame tonga couldn’t field their full team
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Don’t be daft Thaum. We’ll sigh with relief on 79 minutes and 59 seconds and we’re still in front by more than 3 points.
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BB – well, it’s nearly a point a minute now.
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Double for Steyn now! Maybe Big Duhan might not get back into this team….
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Fifita biffs darcy. Again
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Bet Hoggy’s glad he’s not facing Fafita.
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Hat-trick!
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We have pleasing backline depth now BB, but tightead and second row are a concern
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Lungs like crisp packets?!
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Hat trick for Steyn now.
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Kinghorne’s a bit shit as a kicker. Good thing you probably won’t need the conversions.
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Kinghorn needs to work on his kicking. That could be the difference if he plays at 10 against stronger teams.
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Sad milestone today. Went to the optician as I clearly need a new prescription, and I will shortly have new glasses, glasses without the rugby ball imprint they gained at the last AoD/OB meet-up.
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Yeah blairking’s place kicking not really pro standard at the mo let alone international.
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That’s where Thompson has a clear advantage
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As a 10
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Turner gets one now.
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Dobie on now – even younger than McLean.
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Tongan try! The fightback begins!
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Ooh that’s an elbow on the face. Yellow for Tonga.
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Tonga been much better, scotland much worse this second half
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Haining over after an out the back flip from Ritchie!
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Finally. Been a scrappy half.
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Is that wuss leading sale I spy?
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Kebble over now! First half it was all the fancy backs scoring tries, this half it’s been the forwards.
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Steyn in for his fourth! Can breath easy now….
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Hurrah.
Pleasing scoreline. Need to be a lot better next week
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Leicester brutal in big win against Saints – who made far too many errors.
Ford completely bossed it.
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The mister says he doesn’t want to watch the Wales match.
I told him to belt up: there is no shame in losing to the All-Blacks.
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Cotter and Warburton on commentary! The sun shines upon us.
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Which reminds me: I met a woman with a young yellow Lab named Mabel recently. I asked her if she was named after THAT Mabel. She looked blank and said something about some film.
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AWJ looking distinctly unimpressed by all the fireworks.
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Mullet-tastic AB line up
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BB – indeed! Impassive – Spock-like, even – in the face of the haka.
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Ohhh, I saw that intercept coming!
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Oops.
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Oh dear
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My feed must be slow somehow – read that well before I saw it.
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Good turnover by basham
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Cracking match so far.
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Ooh, lucky beaudy
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Who’s the other commentator with Cotter and Warbs?
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We have a Moriarty and a Blackadder in this match. Expect the underhanded.
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BB – not sure; that info went in one ear and straight out the other.
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thaum,
Your boy Roberts the Hooker is Welsh now I note.
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AWJ off injured – what a shame.
TomP – eh? Has he played for Ulster?
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Ardie Savea looks such a pain to try and tackle.
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Grandparent gets him in for us.
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Tipping it down now. Enthusiasm apparently undampened.
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Apparently the other commentator is Shankland.
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