Back to bad old days for the Springboks, being excluded from a tournament when we all know they’d have cakewalked it without raising a sweat. A bit like the World Cup and Lions tour. So easy was it that our Director of Rugby took to making videos to help the refs and carrying water onto the pitch for the boys to have a wee sip whilst the opposition lay scattered to the four corners. Anyway, not much we can do about this latest iniquity, so let’s have a look at the dross on display and see if we can squeeze a modicum of excitement out of the Six Nations: Greatest Show on Earth™.
France to Prance! Two silver medals (and nobody ripping them off their necks, I note) in the last two editions suggests that the combination of Galthié, Edwards and the growing presence of Dupont and Ntamack behind a typically rugged French pack should see them press for the whole thing this time around. France showed in taking a virtually third-string side to Australia in 2021 and then stuffing the All Blacks up their holes that they’re both good enough and have the depth to cope with the inevitable injuries and – dog forbid – Covid disruptions plaguing modern sport. France ease into the tournament with Italy at home, dusting off the cobwebs before playing possibly the defining match of the tournament a week later, at home to Ireland. Win those two and the French are fair set for another second-place finish behind the Boks.
Ireland are Firing! Probably the most consistent side of the last couple of years and with quality in most key positions, the Irish are many pundits’ favourites for the whole thing. Like France, they stuffed the Kiwis in the Autumn Internationals, to throw down a gauntlet to the rugby world this year. Ireland have quality across the park, with the one question being the increasingly age-old questions of whether the half back pair of Connor Murray and Johnny Sexton are up for another season. There’s plenty of depth behind those two, and with some scintillating outside backs emerging from the bogs, allied to one of the toughest, best loose trios out there, Ireland really could rip up a few trees this time out. Home to Wales first up, and a likely win (it’s been almost a decade since one of these sides won away), it’s then off to Paris for a potential Championship decider – should be a cracker. With a convenient breather after those two against Italy, it’s then away to an England who could be in disarray or eyeing a Grand Slam, before a potential last week banana skin against the ever-improving, continually disappointing Scots. Ireland to contest fiercely for that coveted second place behind the Boks.
Brave Scots or Bon Mots? Difficult to tell, really. With Finn Russell as skipper of the good ship Scotland you’re as likely to roar through the Strait of Messina giving two fingers to each of Scylla and Charybdis as you are wrecking yourself on the Thames tide. Scotland’s pack is now steady enough in the set piece (mostly) and has some fine, tearaway loose forwards in the best traditions of Scottish sides of yesteryear, to complement their back division. Get some decent front foot ball and this side can do serious damage. Eight B&I Lions last year, and only Ireland more consistent in the 6N in terms of wins in the last few years should see this Scots side bristling with confidence – and yet, is the self-belief there? They’ll not be lacking in motivation for the visit of England in round one, and a visit to Cardiff to face a potentially battered and bruised Wales could set them up for a glorious tilt at the whole shebang. They host favourites France after the break with the loser of that match surely consigned to the also-rans bin and can empty the tank on that one, with a break before travelling to Italy to come and then the other favourites, Ireland on the last weekend. If Scotland can navigate a way past the Scylla of France and Charybdis of Ireland, glory awaits! But it’s a long tournament and disruptions won’t be papered over easily with a callow pool to pick from. Out of the medals, with France and Ireland scrapping for the minor placings behind the mighty Boks.
Mojo or Bojo? Let’s face it, with Eddie ‘Rasputin was an amateur’ Jones calling the shots, you’re never really sure whether the chariot will swing, low, sweetly or at all. Plans have been disrupted by the loss of captain and talisman Owen Farrell, his replacement Courtney Lawes along with both first-choice wings and Manu ‘part-timer’ Tuilagi for the initial stages at least, means a disrupted backline held together by, er, Ben Youngs. On paper that looks horrible. Actually it looks horrible all round, but England beat both Australia and the Boks (how, nobody knows) in November so will have some cause for optimism. Young Marcus at 10 and Freddie Steward at 15 give England some fabulous attacking options though, behind a pack that whilst disrupted, seldom takes a backward step – and surely won’t do against Scotland first up. That said, it’s been lean pickings against the Scots in recent times, who have some class of their own. Away to Scotland is perilous against this backdrop of disruption, especially with a full Murrayfield and England will do well to host Italy with their personnel and faculties intact. Hosting Wales and Ireland before travelling to France is a bridge too far for this side. Perhaps Bojo the Slippery will come to the rescue by declaring war on France for not declaring war on Russia for not invading Ukraine? Either way, tussling with Scotland and Wales for the rights to look down on Italy.
Wales, beached or bubbling? Reigning Champions after a remarkable 2021 campaign, helped along nicely by the inability of opponents to keep all fifteen on the field for much of it, should see the Welsh with a decent shout this year. But the loss of AWJ, George North, Leigh Halfpenny, Ken Owens, Josh Navidi, Justin Tipuric and Taulupe Faletau is huge in terms of experience and ability. Dan Biggar gets his chance to wave his arms at the ref as actual skipper this year and has some great runners outside of him in LRZ, Josh Adams and Liam Williams and Lions nine Gareth Davies to steady things behind the scrum. The forwards will be well served by Lions loosehead Wyn Jones and tighthead Tomas Francis, but may be light between them, whilst the second row looks ‘orrible without AWJ – but Beard and Co will just about cope. Backs to the wall, the trip to Dublin could be a feisty affair, probably a loss, with Scotland then arriving in Cardiff to further torment Wales. A trip to London before hosting France may well see Wales looking at the Italy clash as their only win.
Italy: Ethiopia thrashed them twice: It may have been 90-odd years ago, but it seems about that long since the debate around their participation in the 6 Nations started. Lots of hype around how their junior sides are doing, how Benetton deservedly won whatever trophy it was during lockdown, how they’re producing a few decent players and are on an upward trajectory, but let’s face it, there’s more likelihood of the wolf actually suckling Romulus and Remus than this lot winning a match this season. And unlike the Colosseum, there’s little glorious or inspiring about the wreck that is Italian rugby. It’s a good thing you stir boiling water with a wooden spoon, because at least this squad will have plenty to choose from to make a plate of pasta. They’ll be competitive for bits and bobs in some matches, but really, Georgia would be a better bet, as we all know.
Springboks to Cruise it! Obviously leaving the best for last, so you can all savour that stunning last morsel, sated at the end by the power, subtlety, grace and deftness of the cornucopia of delights put on offer by the Boks, and washed down with crystal pure water served by the humble Waterboy himself. Can’t go into too much detail though because curiously the squad and fixtures don’t seem to be up anywhere. Doesn’t matter: five away matches, five wins, five bonus points and rightfully scratching New Zealand and Australia off Bill in 87 and 91 as an added bonus. Easy peasy. Siya Kolisi named player of the tournament, player of the year, new United Nations Secretary General and Commander of Space for Humanity.
You’ll be astounded to learn that this was the work of Deebee7.
Further Reading
Don’t miss BK’s fabulous graph of xenophobes v poachers.
Anyone who fancies a good old discussion about who should wear the 12 shirt for England can go here.
Onna telly this week
Friday 4th February
| Gloucester v London Irish | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
| France U20 v Italy U20 | 20:00 | BBC iPlayer |
| Ireland U20 v Wales U20 | 20:00 | BBC iPlayer / S4C / RTÉ2 |
| Scotland U20 v England U20 | 20:00 | BBC iPlayer |
| Ulster v Connacht | 20:15 | BBC2 NI / TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Saturday 5th February
| Bulls v Lions | 13:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Ireland v Wales | 14:15 | S4C / ITV / RTÉ2 |
| Stormers v Sharks | 15:05 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Scotland v England | 16:45 | BBC1 |
| Toulon v Castres | 20:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
Sunday 6th February
| Harlequins v Sale | 13:00 | BT Sport 1 | ||
| France v Italy | 15:00 | ITV / RTÉ2 | ||
| Biarritz v La Rochelle | 17:30 | Premier Sports 1 | ||
| Clermont v Bordeaux | 20:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Lions nine Gareth Davies to steady things behind the scrum
Whimpers
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Good work from Deebee as ever. 6th out of seven is even worse than where all the Guardian pundits have got us.
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Does Hoggy know that Finn’s ‘skippering’ the side? Or does that mean something different in South Africa.
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BB, skipper as in steering the ship. Like the first mate would do, but didn’t want to get you Scots too excited about a blonde bombshell as first ‘mate’ with two mythical demons given your relationship with sheep intestines as food. It could have been badly misconstrued. #Justice4Boks
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Not sure whether to congratulate or curse Thauma for the pic at the top of the page.
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*whistles innocently*
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Running the cutter, as the Kiwis say.
Good news, thaum. Your pash is back playing tonight for Ulster. Very decent starting line-up for the Northerners.
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That’s cause they’re ignored for the Ireland team.
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“Not sure whether to congratulate or curse Thauma for the pic at the top of the page.”
You can go round clockwise or anti-clockwise and it’s still just South Africans playing for Scotland.
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TomP – if you mean McCloskey, yes, his first match back. And what Deebs said (Baloucoune, Lowry & Doak).
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Lowry’s just been clattered on the noggin by an evil Connacht player (who’s also down). Hope both are okay. Especially the innocent Lowry. (May be a card coming up….)
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It’s a yellow because Lowry is short or something. (They said he lowered; seems bollocks.)
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Think both players are playing on, however.
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https://lrb.co.uk/blog/2022/february/stone-urial
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England U19 FB just scored a length of the field solo try. Henry Arundell. Stunning pace and good running lines. Wow!
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TomP – nice article. I have my own system, which is fairly successful; not failed yet.
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Lowry’s just done something amazing! Unfortunately McIlroy couldn’t quite finish.
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Scots juniors batter* their way over for try number two ad I pour a healthy Ardbeg 10. They also have 10.
* couldn’t resist.
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Yeah, yeah, Karl.
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BUT – the TRY ends up being scored!
Farrell must be kicking himself.
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Ref desperately looking for a reason to nor award it. You can take our tries! But you’ll never take our Ardbeg!
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Glaws and LIR are both bad.
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Farrell must be kicking himself.
Owen? Don’t stop him.
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Got the try that time! From Ollie Leatherbarrow – obviously one of the (Mc)Shire Leatherbarrows.
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Wee haggis 8 takes it off the back of the 5m scrum and goes over! Good lines! Good body position! 12-5 to Scotland with six minutes to the break.
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Maul TRY for Ulster!
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Ireland Under 20s spanking Wales Under 20.
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Wee haggis 8 easier to type. Refs looking at something that looks like actual rugby. Pathetic. Fuck me. Sanity prevails
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Oh hell, McNulty try for Connacht.
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Boo. England ‘England’ their way over the line. 12-12.
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England have got some sublime youngsters coming through in the backs. And then they bash their way over with the forwards. 12-10 as the conversion goes wide.
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Scots bring on a replacement prop. Poor sod, looks so fresh faced and hopeful until an almost-Bok squashes his dreams in a couple of years.
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McCloskey has done something rather lovely. Ball ends up in touch.
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Scotsprogs just holding in there.
Pack doing well but England making easy yards in the backs. Defence looking distinctly porous. Can see them running away with it
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I thought the conversion went through. Ah well, be grateful and all that.
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BALOUCOUUUUUUUUNE!
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That was lovely. He’s so quick.
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Fabulous finish there Thauma! 21-5 at oranges.
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Chimpie, Scottish pack is doing okay, but the defence in the backs has been porous.
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Really like Trimble as a commentator. Co-commentator suggested to him that he’d have loved to make that try, and he said he’d never have made it. Humble bloke.
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Somehow we score another!
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Scottish pick and go looked forlorn, but it seems to have worked by the skin of my chin! 17-10! Silly penalty from the restart- offsides – and England are on the 5m line. They cook it up and Scotland have a clearing scrum.
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Penalty to England in front of the posts and they take the 3.
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Scotland with a super break down the touchline but get pinged for diving over the ruck!
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Wow! Again Scotland are hot on attack and again the England 15 rips them a new one! He’s some prospect! England lead for the first time… still 24 minutes to go.
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Connacht seem to have scored through a (nother) McIlroy mistake, but I think there was a forward pass.
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Well, if there was, refs didn’t think so. 21-12.
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England junior outside backs are sensational with a sniff of space. That said, they probably could finish better.
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Ah fuck. England running away with it now.
Still, we’re not Wales.
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Toby Knight batters his way over again, England looking in control now. 17-27 with 15 to go. And then more pain as the English backs flay Scotland. Superb! 17-34.
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