With four of the six nations on one win and one loss, it’s all looking very close; leaders France are only 3 points ahead of England and Ireland. Poor Italy are as usual languishing at the bottom of the table, although they have a glimmer of not-finishing-last to play for, should Wales go down and Italy actually manage to win one. (Not this weekend, obviously.)
Having consulted my crystal ovally ball, I can tell you how it’s going to go.
Scotland v France
According to Toonie, “France are one of the top two or three teams in the world right now. They’ve got a huge pack, momentum behind them, results behind them, so it’s a great challenge for us.”
Awa’ with yer underdogging. We see the secret weapon: Darge at 6 and McFuckface at 7. Poachers of the world, unite!
Prediction: home advantage to seal the deal. Scotland by 2.
England v Wales
England’s desperate toss of the dice in Manu-shaped form has been unsuccessful due to ham sandwich problems, throwing the coaching staff into such a tizzy that they aren’t even going to name the match-day squad until the day of.
Food-related issues continue to plague the side as captain Courtney ‘Two Brain Cells’ Lawes has a scrambled-eggs problem.
The Northampton forward said he “was worried about my head” when he first came into camp “not feeling great” after numerous incidents on the field.
But after seeing a specialist and getting a brain scan, Lawes told BBC Sport he was relieved to find it was “nothing to do with my brain”.
Instead, an issue with his inner ear meant “the connection between eyes, ears and neck was a bit scrambled”.
Meanwhile, Wales are having selection problems of their own, with talisman Alun-Wyn Jones still out, and the bizarre decision to drop Louis Rees-Zammit and bring back card-magnet Josh Adams in his place. However, fit-again Taulupe Faletau starts at 8.
Prediction: Never, ever write Wales off against England, especially a slightly discombobulated one. Wales by 3.
Ireland v Italy
This one is easy: first-cap Ulsterman Michael Lowry is going to bedazzle and befuddle the hapless Azzuri and score about six tries.
In the second half, fellow Ulstermen Herring and Hume will come on with Sexton (Carbery is starting) and complete the annihilation.
Leprechaun JGP at scrum-half – who should rightfully be a (fit) John Cooney or Nathan Doak if it weren’t for the bizarre and troubling vendetta against Ulsterpersons – will make a series of bad decisions and also, annoyingly, score a try.
Prediction: Ireland, with home advantage, by 56.
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Onna telly this week
Friday 25th February
| Scotland v Colombia (women) | 15:00 | BBC iPlayer/website/Alba |
| Zebre v Bulls | 17:30 | Premier Sports 1 |
| England v Wales (U20s) | 19:00 | BBC iPlayer/website / S4C |
| Leinster v Lions | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
| Worcester v Harlequins | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
| Ireland v Italy (U20s) | 20:00 | BBC iPlayer/website |
| Scotland v France (U20s) | 20:00 | BBC iPlayer/website |
Saturday 26th February
| Connacht v Stormers | 13:00 | RTÉ2 / Premier Sports 2 |
| Scotland v France | 14:15 | BBC1 |
| Treviso v Sharks | 15:05 | Premier Sports 2 |
| England v Wales | 16:45 | ITV / S4C |
| Brive v Toulon | 20:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 27th February
| Northampton v Exeter | 13:00 | BT Sport 1 | ||
| Ireland v Italy | 15:00 | ITV | ||
| Montpellier v Stade Français | 16:30 | Premier Sports 2 | ||
| Toulouse v Bordeaux | 20:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Oops – Jaminet not having a good day. Knocks it on.
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Jaminet looking a bit shaky.
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Series of errors result in Scottish scrum, which is holding up well after the first couple.
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No, French scrum.
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Oh Hoggy.
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OH BLOODY HELL!
Fantastic phase of Scottish play that looked sure to result in a try, but Hoggy knocks it on!
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Oh hoggy
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To be fair, it wasn’t the greatest pass.
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AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH
Pass JUST in front of Hoggy.
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He was full stretch to br fair . Aargh
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Oooh Hoggy.
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Oh crap
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Booo! Fickou scores (very well) in the 42nd minute.
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Two dumb penalties and France cut loose again.
*sigh*
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10-19 at oranges.
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Scotland. Please wake up and do not let France get a BP try.
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Great game. Apart from the score.
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Quite entertaining half. Scotland punching far more holes in France’s defence than I have seen lately.
If France weren’t so lethal with crumbs, Scotland’d be ahead.
Their set pieces are better than France’s but their handling hasn’t been as good. Should be a cracker of a second half.
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Oh hell, Chris Harris hasn’t made it to the second half.
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Harris off. Ugh.
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Ffs.
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Fuck! Scotland, you weren’t listening.
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That’s the killer.
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Think price thought he had a penalty. Play the whistle ffs.
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Atonio is about 2.7 times my size.
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Exciting break by Scotland, but play stopped as Price is injured.
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He’s going off for an HIA.
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I’ve met you Thaum, I’d say Antonio is at least 5x
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Nope, hands on floor first and dragging back, wrong way Karl.
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Refit :-)
I’m 9st and he’s 24 I think.
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Think I’d settle for trying to get a non embarrassing scoreline at the moment
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Zander should have been subbed before he hit the stupid button again, does it when he is getting tired I reckon.
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Bollocks, he was off his feet
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Woki on his knee there. He also jumped across the line at the last lineout.
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Chimpie – yep.
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Woki on his knee there, so should be a penalty the other way. Sub the ref.
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Oh bollocks.
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Darge had his knee down there.
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Darge’s knees touched the ground
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France are deserving the win but Dickson is having a shocker.
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Some nonsense calls in the last few minutes
Not that we’ll win but it’s aggravating as he’ll.
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Only three tries for the draw. He’ll miss the kick.
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Playing in wrong areas of pitch. Too easy for French defence
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Chrissakes stop playing in our own 22 when it’s not on!
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Can’t see anyone else beating France in this Championship.
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Massacre.
(Whimper)
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Hellfire and damnation. I’m taking the dog for a walk.
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France have been very good
But jeez we haven’t half laid it out on a plate for them
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Great display by France.
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I only saw the second half but Scotland were third best at the breakdown.
France look like world champions
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