After a week of meetings, meals and general bonhomie in Yaoundé, it was time for the drive back to Douala. Mercifully, we didn’t fly and could experience the wonders of the rainforests and music all over again. As well as the increasingly oppressive security, with the elections less than a week away by now. However, our passports were with the driver, so the looks were more of curiosity at seeing South Africans driving hell for leather around the country than anything else.
We arrived in the early afternoon and were met in the foyer of our hotel (back at Akwa Palace) by Mama Denise, the local manager of the South African Airways office to ensure that we had our tickets for the flight – it was well before the Internet and the luxury of checking in that way were around – and that our luggage would be taken care of at the airport, so we could skip the queues and head for the bar on the other side. The flight was still three or four days away, but she was a gem, wanting us to feel reassured. It’s possible Eric, our host, had paid/strongarmed her into a little show so we could see he was an important man, but that mattered little at the time – we now knew we had legitimate, I think, visas and passports, as well as flights organised.
Mama Denise was a charming lady once we got chatting, and invited us to her home for dinner that evening – a wonderful gesture, although complicated by having our bloody minders around us all the time. With nothing to do, I persuaded Eric to take us to a local market so I could buy some tapes of Manu Dibango and other artists we’d listened to whilst driving around, as well as local chocolate, raw cashew nuts, dried plantains and the other things not accessible in South Africa. Apart from the Dibango tapes, I settled for a few ‘greatest hits’ type compilations of some of the artists to be found on this lovely tribute.
The market was an assault on the senses in every way for this raw traveller – it was by turns blisteringly hot and dusty, chucking it down with hot tropical rain, and sullenly humid. Perfect for a few 33 Exports and spicy goat skewers, then. An absolute kaleidoscope of colour – bright, unabashed and vibrant – underpinned it all, but at the same time, looking with less of a touristy naivete, the lack of proper running water at the food stalls, the piles of plastic and other garbage and the lingering smells of lack of proper infrastructure told its own story of poverty and the daily grind to simply put food on tables, roofs over heads and clothes on bodies: no luxuries for the bulk of people here, just the hustle of survival from day to day, whatever your age or gender.
We got back to the hotel in the early evening, with my head still spinning from the afternoon, a million thoughts about the potential of the country, the people, the culture, the abominable political class and everything in between, to be greeted by Mama Denise, loudly telling us, with a wink unseen by the security mob, that she had reserved a table for us at the hotel restaurant for 8pm. We should all meet in the foyer at that time. Privately, she told us to be there at 7pm to evade our detail.
7pm arrived and I sauntered as casually as possible into the foyer, scanning for the security, who mercifully weren’t around. Mama Denise met us and quickly escorted me and two companions into her slightly battered Renault and we sped off into the looming evening. She drove as fast as one can through a city of faltering lights, water-covered potholes and chaotic traffic and we arrived at her home about an hour later. I have no idea where in Douala it is, or even which direction we drove in.
It was fairly modest by the standards of someone who grew up in a privileged environment in South Africa, but warm and friendly with wonderful smells coming from the kitchen. Mama Denise put on a fantastic spread for us with all the favourites I’d been enjoying over the last week on display and much, much more. Her husband and children joined us and we swapped stories and experiences way into the night, before being driven back to the hotel. What a stunning evening, with a charming family, excellent food and music, and truly enriching conversation. A perfect evening! Except for the stony-faced minders waiting at the entrance, with a sheepish Eric in tow. Mama Denise stood her ground as they aggressively demanded to know where we’d been, finishing the conversation with the most gallic of shrugs and a dismissive wave of the hand as she sped off again. Eric was angry and told us in very direct terms to not do that again. Minders pacified, we went to bed.
The following couple of days followed a similar routine as in Yaoundé, with meetings, lunches and political grandstanding. It was our final night and I was fairly exhausted from the trip, which was something I wasn’t used to. One last dinner, I thought. Fuck, wonder if I can make an excuse? But no, I tagged along to a restaurant with a karaoke bar Eric wanted us to try.
Pretty rustic, wooden tables, plastic chairs, low lighting and very basic toilet facilities (for which he kept apologising, as if it was his fault). A tropical downpour ensured we were there for the evening, with large bottles of 33 Export needing to be consumed quickly to stop them from getting warm in the tropical heat. Heaven.
A skinny, lanky and impossibly dark-skinned guy got onto the stage and introduced himself as the karaoke compere. He then played a Sinatra track as I had my back to the stage, chatting to one of our local business partners who had joined us. Problem was, Sinatra had a very Francophone accent every now and then. I looked back and saw this incredible sound coming out of this most unlikely of singers – he was pitch perfect and loving it, as were we all! A few songs in and Eric joined him on stage (again, being Cameroon, it’s quite possible this was, well, staged, for a few dollars, but hey-ho) and they sang together: Dibi Dibi Rek, a song that Ismaël Lô had released a few years before. Eric could hold a tune, for sure, but not like this kid! But the best part was watching a Cameroonian version of Laurel and Hardy belting out tunes in perfect harmony. Dinner, sublime. West Coast sole, spicy rice and plantains. Heaven.
Waking up the next morning, our last in Cameroon, I wandered down to breakfast with a sore head, but fantastic memories. We went through the motions of eating, checking out and heading to airport, me trying to absorb as much as possible still and enjoy the ambiance, Rob and Felix from Gabon complaining about everything, including Eric our fabulous host, and Nomsa from the Tourism Council, who had joined us again after not bothering for a week, dismissive of ‘dirty Africa’ and hankering after Paris.
We checked in, said our goodbyes – mine fond and lasting for years – the others perfunctory and box-ticking, and headed to the airport bar. Had a few more beers, a couple of glasses of wine, chatted briefly to a few guys I didn’t know and got on the plane back to Joburg via Kinshasa and Harare again. It was an uneventful flight, almost too calm after the last couple of weeks, but allowed time for reflection on what a magnificent place Africa is. A rollercoaster couple of weeks that instilled a love and respect for the continent that will always be in my DNA.
Postscript: Eric and I stayed in touch for years after that trip and I saw him a couple more times on trips to Cameroon, but he then moved to Europe, and I think, the States. Mama Denise retired from SAA a few years later and I never got to meet her again. Nomsa is probably in Paris telling people how dirty Africa is and that she went to a swanky school in Paris, whilst Rob and Felix got hold of me a few times asking for favours through my work, but I told them to do one.
Wanderings by Deebee7
Onna telly this week
Friday 14th October
| Ospreys v Stormers | 19:35 | BBC2 Wales / Premier Sports 2 |
| Connacht v Leinster | 19:35 | RTÉ2 / Premier Sports 1 |
| Sale v London Irish | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 15th October
| Scotland v Australia (women) | 03:00 | ITV |
| USA v Japan (women) | 05:30 | ITV |
| France v England (women) | 08:00 | ITV |
| Lions v Ulster | 13:00 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Gloucester v Bristol | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Sharks v Glasgow | 15:05 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Edinburgh v Treviso | 17:15 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Cardiff v Dragons | 17:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Munster v Bulls | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
| Scarlets v Zebre | 19:35 | S4C / Premier Sports 2 |
Sunday 16th October
| Italy v Canada (women) | 00:45 | ITV |
| Wales v New Zealand (women) | 03:15 | ITV |
| Fiji v South Africa (women) | 05:45 | ITV |
| Harlequins v Leicester | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Monday 17th October
| Saracens v London Irish | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Brady has said – nudge nudge, wink wink – that if there’s only one candidate then it won’t go to the membership.
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45 days. Bet you the next twat is in for less time.
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So what now? How many current Tory frontbenchers haven’t served in cabinet in the last 18 months? Are there any sort-of-half-decent Tories left? Assuming there were any to begin with? I see on the lead in the Graun that Suella Braverman and Kemi Badenoch are being talked up as tilting at this particular windmill. Maybe they could ask the EU to step in and give a helping hand. Ask Dominic Raab to meet them in Dover, assuming he knows where that is now.
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Fair play to this man.
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My money is on Boris.
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OT – how did that Kamala bet work out?
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@craigs
That was a low probability/high payoff bet (1000/1). I did actually look at taking a punt on Boris and at 14/1 I was tempted. By the time I got around to doing it best odds were 5/1 so not worth it.
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“That was a low probability/high payoff bet”
If I remember rightly it was a bet on an old man’s failing health. I definitely got told off for this sort of thing on AoD when I won £70 by killing off Thatcher.
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“If [MPs choose the leader], they should probably do something else which sounds pointless, and almost like life in a communist country, but isn’t. Both in the parliamentary party and the rank-and-file, they should hold a vote for the single, chosen person. Then MPs would have to give their clear personal endorsement.
Some object to this idea, asking: “But what if it turns out that lots of people won’t vote for the chosen X?” I’m afraid the answer is: “Well, if that is so, you know you have a party that cannot be led. In which case, goodbye.””
That ‘but isn’t’ gave me a proper fit of the giggles.
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I definitely got told off for this sort of thing on AoD when I won £70 by killing off Thatcher.
Well, obviously you should have done it 30 years earlier!
Yes, that made me giggle too.
So now we know that candidates have to get 100 nominations, and if there’s only one, then they will be the PM. On Monday. If we end up with two, it goes to the membership.
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Charles Moore (who has the habit of sounding like he’s making well thought out arguments until you pay attention to the content):
“If [MPs choose the leader], they should probably do something else which sounds pointless, and almost like life in a communist country, but isn’t. Both in the parliamentary party and the rank-and-file, they should hold a vote for the single, chosen person. Then MPs would have to give their clear personal endorsement.
Some object to this idea, asking: “But what if it turns out that lots of people won’t vote for the chosen X?” I’m afraid the answer is: “Well, if that is so, you know you have a party that cannot be led. In which case, goodbye.””
That ‘but isn’t’ gave me a proper fit of the giggles.
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sorry, thought the previous attempt to post failed
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H from Steps has weighed in
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Jedward too
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And Dick & Dom yesterday
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How can this bunch of f**kwits even hint at bringing Bloater Johnson back from merited disgrace?
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Not just that, but why the fuck is he in the Dominican Republic, when he’s supposed to be in Parliament? (And who is paying for his holiday?)
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That is a question we could do with the media asking a bit more.
Also how much is it costing to have all these different PMs and ministers? The bill for all the severance payments, pensions etc would make interesting reading.
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A question was asked in Parliament about whether KamiKwazi would be getting the full pension after – what -three or four weeks in office? As Truss hadn’t turned up, Mordaunt declined to answer.
If I were a betting woman, I’d be putting money on Ben Wallace. Mordaunt second.
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Yeah, but the Boris-haters outnumber them, I reckon. I don’t think he’ll get to 100.
Although, if he did, at least he’d be the PM that had been elected.
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@thauma
That is very true. But if the calculation is that Boris is the candidate that will allow them to keep their seats then I’m sure they could be persuaded. Quite vain these politicians.
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Yes, but I don’t think his polling will save them their seats.
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Johnson has already been sacked for lying and for being not up to the job, he’s in the fucking Caribbean right now when he’s supposed to be working after a summer recess and a fortnight off for the Queens’ funeral.
If he starts on about being elected in 2019 then the answer is obviously that we don’t vote for a president.
As I read elsewhere, if Johnson wins, his MPs are going to have to vote down the findings of the Privileges Committee, assuming it finds against him, which it has to unless they are misled.
If they do this it’s an attack on parliament itself.
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“If they do this it’s an attack on parliament itself.”
By logical progression, I assume you are suggesting civil war and beheading of Boris ?
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SBT, Braverman’s last act on the night before she was punted into the long grass, was to get a public order bill through parliament.
If I suggested what you say there, I could be made to wear an electronic tag around my ankle by which the police could monitor my every movement.
I’m not exaggerating.
It’s worth reading this and following up on what Monbiot has to say about the bill
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That is, just suggesting dissent and protest, not actually taking part, but just promoting it.
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why the fuck is he in the Dominican Republic
Negotiating a triumphant free trade deal, unshackled from the restrictions of Brussels, he’ll beheading to Haiti afterwards for a similar Buy British you Bastards! engagement, and will sweep back in Downing Street, having conquered the entire island of Hispaniola, waving the agreements and declaring “prosperity in our time!”
Dominic Raab will have to Google whether they’re near Dover.
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According to Wiki, the Dominican Republic is known for its beaches, resorts and golfing. So the trade deals are probably a pesky sideshow. My previous post should have read ‘be heading’, but I think I’ll leave it as is. Seems more appropriate.
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Ireland just thrashed the West Indies in the ‘proper’ match of the T20 World Cup. Dark horses? Probably not the worst bet SBT could ever take! And a cursory glance at the side, it looks like they’re largely homegrown too – well done Ireland!
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Correction – Windies were in the playoffs and have been dumped out of the World Cup proper by Ireland. What a sad state they’re in and have been for a long time. For years now the decline of West Indian cricket has been plastered over by sporadic success in T20 and ODI tournaments and a ritual beating of England in the West Indies, but boy, is the cupboard bare now?
The cupboard is so bare Izzy could happily open it without fear of someone coming out.
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Scotland are 24/2 against Zimbabwe in a shootout for the last spot in the main draw. If Scotland win, the group they’re in will be Ireland, Scotland and South Africa. Sounds familiar.
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Catching up…
I’ll have my Scottish Independence now thank you
Bottom line here is “if it’s a mess, it’s our mess”
the story of Derek Quinnell’s first cap
IIRC he’d already played for the Lions and subs were new phenomenon. I can recall BBC cameras filming him as he tried to get his tracksuit off – and get on the field – studs snagging in the trackie bottoms
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Scotland get to 132 in their 20 overs – you’d think it’s about 20 short of a defendable total and 30 35 short of a good total, but there haven’t been too many high scoring matches so far. They’ll need to bowl and field very well though, as Zimbabwe did, apparently.
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why the fuck is he in the Dominican Republic
He’s already been to the Almafi Coast, Cote D’Azure, Gold Coast, Full Moon Party in Thailand, California and Bognor this year.
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TBH I think the Tories know they are fucked and this BoJo talk is their version of damage limitation. I can’t believe those cunts in the video above. Unless they interviewed 500 people and they were the only ones who came up Boris (Karl).
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ZIMBABWEEEEEE!!! Cruised home with the odd wobble, but in the end, stood against them, proud Nicola’s army, and sent them homeward, tae think again.
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Big Bill becomes a club centurion tomorrow. I can’t wait to see Goosen, he’s been injured up to now
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‘Your’ Exeter team to wrestle with Saracens:
Hogg, Nowell, Slade, Whitten, Woodburn
Skinner, Maunder
Hepburn, LC-D, Williams
van Heerden, Gray
Ewers, Tschiunza, Vermeulen
Yeandle, I-Scott, Schickerling, Dunne, Simmonds, Maunder, Simmonds, O’Laughlin
I’d prefer both Simmonds on the pitch
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Beadles Glaws to play Irish
Team News
15. Santiago Carreras
14. Louis Rees-Zammit*
13. Chris Harris
12. Giorgi Kveseladze
11. Jonny May*
10. Adam Hastings
9. Charlie Chapman*
1. Val Rapava-Ruskin
2. Santiago Socino
3. Fraser Balmain
4. Freddie Clarke*
5. Matias Alemanno
6. Jordy Reid
7. Lewis Ludlow (c)*
8. Ruan Ackermann
16. Jack Singleton
17. Harry Elrington
18. Ciaran Knight*
19. Cam Jordan*
20. Albert Tuisue
21. Stephen Varney*
22. Jack Reeves*
23. Lloyd Evans*
*denotes academy graduate.
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Yeah, Ticht, I had no idea. Its quite amazing that that should be passed into law. Was it a vote thingy ? If so, every MP who voted for it should be sacked.
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SBT, it got through the commons on Tuesday, it’s currently in the Lords for rubberstamping
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Suzie strikes again – Glasgow’s squad has been decimated by a gastric bug, the game v Lions has been called off
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shit (literally) Ulster too now, their game v Sharks has been postponed
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Ulster 💩 too. Seems both squads were swimming in Durban seas. They should have been told to avoid that like the plague (which may have been cleaner).
Durban has been hit by flooding and hugely destructive riots in the last year, both of which contributed to smashing much of what was left of the water and sanitation infrastructure in the city. That’s on top of 30 years of almost pure corruption in the city that has seen become a bit of a slum to be honest. The city has pumped raw sewage into the sea for ages giving residents who complain the middle finger, because the ruling elite have private water anyway. Absolute scum. Jacob Zuma’s stronghold and devoid of any decent leadership at all.
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Shitty water sinks blog. Now a bog. With a floating log. Not even a frog. croak.
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@deebee- thanks for that background.
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