Location: World Rugby’s Secret Mobile Headquarters
Attendees: The ‘Independent Judicial Committee’ (three Aussies), Owen Farrell and a high-priced lawyer, Richard Smith KC.
IJC3: Right, cobbers, let’s get started. The arvo’s wasting away. But we think matey’s got kangaroos loose in the top paddock.
Farrell [hanging head, looking penitent]: I’ve brought some refreshments for everyone.
IJC1: Good on ya! Let’s see what you have.
Farrell: I baked these biscuits myself. Well … a mate did.
IJC2: Choccy chip! Our favourite! Mate, these have an unusual and rather pungent flavour, but they’re bloody good. [Munching ensues.]
Farrell: Bit of Australian wine to wash it down, too.
IJC2: Cab Sav! Our favourite! [Slurping ensues.]
Smith [looking at watch, smiling, and counting the ka-ching in fifteen-minute intervals]: My dear chaps, I’m afraid this has all been the most dreadful misunderstanding. Poor Owen has been the victim of the most scurrilous campaign by internet trolls determined to do him down. I’m sure that once you consider that the RFU is the richest and most powerful union in the sport, and that Mr Farrell is key to their success, that you will reverse this terrible ‘bunker’ [said with great distaste] decision.
IJC1: Mate, we’re facking famished. Pass those biccies over again. [Giggles.]
Smith: Please, gentlemen, take your time. Some more, erm, Cab Sav? Delighted to pour for you.
IJC2: Good on ya!
Smith [after a fifteen-minute pause for chewing and slurping]: Shall we review the evidence, gents? If you watch closely, you will see that another player interferes with the trajectory of the tackled player, and that therefore the sad collision couldn’t be avoided by my client.
IJC3 [A vegan who has abstained from the biccies]: That’s not really what happened, mate, and besides, there is no attempt made to wrap the arms. Let’s watch the video.
IJC1: Ahhh ha ha, look at that drongo going down!
IJC2 [weeping with laughter]: what a bogan! Your boy’s just a bit of a larrikin.
Smith: Gentlemen, have another biscuit. Do we have majority agreement that the red card should be rescinded?
IJCs1&2: No worries! [Tittering.]
[IJC3 bangs head on desk.]
Farrell: Just wait till my dad hears of this persecution.
Onna telly this weekend
Friday 18th August
| Bayonne v Toulouse | 20:00 | Viaplay2 |
Saturday 19th August
| Racing 92 v Bordeaux | 13:00 | Viaplay2 |
| Leinster v Ulster (women) | 13:00 | iPlayer / TG4 |
| Wales v South Africa | 15:15 | Prime Video |
| Munster v Connacht (women) | 15:15 | TG4 |
| Lyon v Toulon | 17:30 | Viaplay |
| Ireland v England | 17:30 | RTÉ2 / Prime Video |
| Italy v Romania | 17:30 | Prime Video |
| Montpellier v La Rochelle | 20:00 | Viaplay |
| France v Fiji | 20:05 | Prime Video |
Ovally Balls 
Ooh, that was a nasty head clash.
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Wales do a try! Sam Parry bouncing over in the corner.
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Cai Evans has a nice boot on him, too!
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Willemse’s card stays yellow.
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WHAT?!! Not a red?
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16-52. 73mins.
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It’s the ‘Farrell Defence’ – Welsh player was tackled just before the head clash, therefore mitigation.
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BB – reckon we’ll see the opposite of the Farrell effect, and it gets upgraded upon review.
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It was reviewed, Thaum. Don’t know if they can re-review it.
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Yes, I mean World Rugby review in the week.
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Oh my god, that last penalty was hideous 🤢
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I reckon any random Saffrican prop could kick better.
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Dylan Hartley is an ungracious twat.
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Ha! I muted the sound for the godawful GSTK, but could see Steward start singing ‘queen’, and then change it halfway through.
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Took me a second to realise Ford isn’t playing fullback and Steward at 10. Thanks Amazon and your weird team layout.
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Mack Hansen looks weird, without facial hair.
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Refit – apparently he’s dyed his hair green in honour of Keith Earls’ 100th cap.
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It’s not just a colour job
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I’m sure Ford was offside there.
Lovely kick from Lowe.
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TRY Aki!
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Daly looks like he’s had some tackle training. He’s stopped going in upright all the time.
Nice break by Ireland. POM in full flight.
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Remind me to tell you about gooey duck in flight some time when we’re not in the middle of an important match.
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I like Prendergast.
Still not sold on either Byrne brother or Frawley at 10. Would rather see Cooney or Doak, neither of whom has it as their primary position. Mind you, Cooney is getting on a bit, and Doak hasn’t impressed in his couple of outings in a green shirt; but he’s young.
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Maybe we could have one at 9 and one at 10, after watching that pass of JGP’s.
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England are very ponderous.
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England were lucky with a generous advantage there.
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Irish line-out not going well without an Ulster hooker. Luckily we have one on the bench.
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I don’t believe you should be able to go the full width of the pitch and back again and still retain an advantage.
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Fucking hell, the ‘banter’ with Hartley.
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He’s unbearable.
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I would have loved to hear the discussion between George and the ref just then, but commentary team thought it was better to hear from Hartley.
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Ulster hooker on early!
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TRY Ringrose! There were some bits amongst the rust.
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Zebo’s fucked off somewhere with his Guinness, so we’re stuck with Hartley. Sigh.
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Felt like Ireland made slightly heavy work of that try. But it was a really nice passage of play.
Bastards.
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England actually not terrible at the moment. Not great, but not terrible.
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RED RED RED!
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And as I type that, Billy’s on review for head contact. Yellow and a review .
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Stupid game. Thank God for women’s football, and all cricket.
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TRY Lowe! (But a team one, really.)
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Oh dear still 25 minutes to go.
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Red for Billy
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Farrell Sr looks like he has mixed emotions about the red card.
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Ooh, that didn’t look good for Aki.
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Aki and Lowe probably both need an HIA.
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Zebo talking sense, regarding red cards.
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Yay Keith!
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The choice of a single 8 is looking a bit dumb now.
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Well, if he’s off the squad I suppose you can call another up.
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TRY Hansen!
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