Location: World Rugby’s Secret Mobile Headquarters
Attendees: The ‘Independent Judicial Committee’ (three Aussies), Owen Farrell and a high-priced lawyer, Richard Smith KC.
IJC3: Right, cobbers, let’s get started. The arvo’s wasting away. But we think matey’s got kangaroos loose in the top paddock.
Farrell [hanging head, looking penitent]: I’ve brought some refreshments for everyone.
IJC1: Good on ya! Let’s see what you have.
Farrell: I baked these biscuits myself. Well … a mate did.
IJC2: Choccy chip! Our favourite! Mate, these have an unusual and rather pungent flavour, but they’re bloody good. [Munching ensues.]
Farrell: Bit of Australian wine to wash it down, too.
IJC2: Cab Sav! Our favourite! [Slurping ensues.]
Smith [looking at watch, smiling, and counting the ka-ching in fifteen-minute intervals]: My dear chaps, I’m afraid this has all been the most dreadful misunderstanding. Poor Owen has been the victim of the most scurrilous campaign by internet trolls determined to do him down. I’m sure that once you consider that the RFU is the richest and most powerful union in the sport, and that Mr Farrell is key to their success, that you will reverse this terrible ‘bunker’ [said with great distaste] decision.
IJC1: Mate, we’re facking famished. Pass those biccies over again. [Giggles.]
Smith: Please, gentlemen, take your time. Some more, erm, Cab Sav? Delighted to pour for you.
IJC2: Good on ya!
Smith [after a fifteen-minute pause for chewing and slurping]: Shall we review the evidence, gents? If you watch closely, you will see that another player interferes with the trajectory of the tackled player, and that therefore the sad collision couldn’t be avoided by my client.
IJC3 [A vegan who has abstained from the biccies]: That’s not really what happened, mate, and besides, there is no attempt made to wrap the arms. Let’s watch the video.
IJC1: Ahhh ha ha, look at that drongo going down!
IJC2 [weeping with laughter]: what a bogan! Your boy’s just a bit of a larrikin.
Smith: Gentlemen, have another biscuit. Do we have majority agreement that the red card should be rescinded?
IJCs1&2: No worries! [Tittering.]
[IJC3 bangs head on desk.]
Farrell: Just wait till my dad hears of this persecution.
Onna telly this weekend
Friday 18th August
| Bayonne v Toulouse | 20:00 | Viaplay2 |
Saturday 19th August
| Racing 92 v Bordeaux | 13:00 | Viaplay2 |
| Leinster v Ulster (women) | 13:00 | iPlayer / TG4 |
| Wales v South Africa | 15:15 | Prime Video |
| Munster v Connacht (women) | 15:15 | TG4 |
| Lyon v Toulon | 17:30 | Viaplay |
| Ireland v England | 17:30 | RTÉ2 / Prime Video |
| Italy v Romania | 17:30 | Prime Video |
| Montpellier v La Rochelle | 20:00 | Viaplay |
| France v Fiji | 20:05 | Prime Video |
Ovally Balls 
Can you imagine if the England forwards weren’t completely stationary, when they get the ball?
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Wow! Courtney Lawes kids looked more feral than this England pack. Don’t think it’s a happy camp to be honest.
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Refit, at the moment they’re more stationery than stationary. Collection of folded envelopes and wonky paperclips.
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Hang on now Deebee – paperclips are useful.
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Fiji score again! :-)
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Crikey! Fiji in again! Conversion is good, 8-17 and England haven’t scored in 45 minutes.
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Habosi just steps past a ruck to score Fiji’s 2nd. Could we be looking at a historic win over England?
8-17 53mins.
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Ye dogs, we’re gonnae get 20 Kitson articles next week if Fiji win this.
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England not down & out? Ford puts a chip into the Fiji 22 and Smith gets it, to score under the posts.
13-20 57mins
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Marcus Smith shows some lovely nous to grab a try and haul England out of their slumber. Can he play 15 more regularly?
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I think Smith was VERY close to being in front of the kicker there.
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England score out wide, Ford nails the conversion! Just a point in it now!
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Good finish by Marchant, after Fiji manage to stop an England maul.
22-23 69mins.
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Lovely Fiji try!
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C’mon Fiji!
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Careless from Danny at the restart. 10 to go. Fiji battering away but spill it. No matter, they just come again. And Fiji score another from sustained helter skelter! They’re so good at that! 22-30 with 7 to go!
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Fiji win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brilliant stuff.
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WELL DONE, FIJI!
(The mister is worried.)
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Well done Fiji.
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Make that 30 Kitson articles…
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Gobsmacked, especially after England’s confident start. Just didn’t expect that, and it looks like the England players didn’t either. I also with the twat on comms could’ve shut up for a couple of moments to hear the Fijians singing.
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This isnt a surprise, is it? Quite happy for Fiji.
Olivier Magne, who was not only an excellent player but a good U20 coach, now comments on l’équipe TV. He was furious at England , Ford in particular, for kicking away all possession, including when Fiji were one man down. Is it ingrained in the English psyche, is it an order by the coaches? Like Magne, I cant believe it.
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The biggest change for me is the progress Fiji have made in the set piece. In years gone by, they would have been shipping scrum penalties after 50 minutes and losing lineouts regularly. Not today.
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Georgia really don’t do ‘small’ players, do they?
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Well done Fiji, well deserved. England looked half way coherent early doors, and then it all went wrong. Manu and Lawrence experiment should have been ended early on, one of the two not both surely. Manu looked a little flat. Lawrence played well except for inexplicably tackling May instead of the Fijian 14, Mitchell looked good May and Malins OK, Steward probably needs a rest from international rugby.
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Georgia rampant! Well, 3-0 up and then overcook the kick.
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SBT, England’s pack was pretty anonymous today. Difficult to be too harsh on the backs when the pack did squat.
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Not sure why England are still so crap at organising themselves at rucks, but it is painful to see Jonny May spending so much time counter-rucking, trying to defend possession, which is then shuffled thru one out forwards, and why are there so many large holes in the defence around rucks when the opposition have the ball ?
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Georgia playing some very tidy rugby! Deservedly 6-0 up!
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Italy Japan is great fun. Just had a great try scored by Ioane, after Capuzzo hooked a kick from right on the touchline, towards the posts.
14-5 to Italy after 23mins.
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Georgia 0-6 up going into half time.
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Georgia deservedly in front at half time. Scotland improved in the last 15 minutes, but a bit too predictable today. Maybe we’re unnerved by the South African performance from last night!
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Italy leading Japan 17-11.
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That was strange from Scotland. They look comfortable with ball in hand, but just couldn’t get the final pass away. Winning the scrum battle too, but missing the vital link. Georgia great value though! Italy 17-11 up at oranges in the other match.
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Duhan! At bloody last. We’ve been well on the front foot this half. Also have to say, the Georgian scrum has been pretty awful today. Thought that was supposed to be their strong point.
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Oh, that kick to Duhan, by Russell, was sublime.
Also, boooooooooo! for Scotland taking the lead.
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We’ve scored another try! It’s been all us this half.
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Completely different from Scotland at the start of thr second half! Passes sticking, kicks accurate and boom!
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Just comparing Scotland and England. Everything seems to be more dynamic with Scotland – players are always on the move and almost never take the ball at standstill. They also seem to have more space, not all crowded together in a small area.
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This is a good last warm up for Scotland against a physical side who are making them work hard. Except, strangely, in the scrums. Should sharpen up Scotland for their opening match.
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Dempsey over for the third! Totally different game from the first half, we’re actually taking the Georgians on close to the rucks, not going out wide immediately.
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Incredibly unselfish play from Hansen. Could have gone for the corner, but passed inside to Jimmy O’Brien, to score his first Ireland try.
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Ireland’s hooker just conceded a penalty on the Samoan line, because he kept shouting at the ref.
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We are looking very disorganised. Not sure if it’s something Samoa are doing to us, or something we’re doing to ourselves.
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Uh-oh, was it Stewart? I thought it was Cian Healy.
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Healy going off in great pain.
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Cian Healy hobbling off.
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Glad England weren’t playing this lot today. Could have gotten really embarrassing.
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Oh dear!
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Samoan fullback intercepts an Irish pass, with his face, and scores under the posts. All square on 36 mins. 7-7
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