Location: World Rugby’s Secret Mobile Headquarters
Attendees: The ‘Independent Judicial Committee’ (three Aussies), Owen Farrell and a high-priced lawyer, Richard Smith KC.
IJC3: Right, cobbers, let’s get started. The arvo’s wasting away. But we think matey’s got kangaroos loose in the top paddock.
Farrell [hanging head, looking penitent]: I’ve brought some refreshments for everyone.
IJC1: Good on ya! Let’s see what you have.
Farrell: I baked these biscuits myself. Well … a mate did.
IJC2: Choccy chip! Our favourite! Mate, these have an unusual and rather pungent flavour, but they’re bloody good. [Munching ensues.]
Farrell: Bit of Australian wine to wash it down, too.
IJC2: Cab Sav! Our favourite! [Slurping ensues.]
Smith [looking at watch, smiling, and counting the ka-ching in fifteen-minute intervals]: My dear chaps, I’m afraid this has all been the most dreadful misunderstanding. Poor Owen has been the victim of the most scurrilous campaign by internet trolls determined to do him down. I’m sure that once you consider that the RFU is the richest and most powerful union in the sport, and that Mr Farrell is key to their success, that you will reverse this terrible ‘bunker’ [said with great distaste] decision.
IJC1: Mate, we’re facking famished. Pass those biccies over again. [Giggles.]
Smith: Please, gentlemen, take your time. Some more, erm, Cab Sav? Delighted to pour for you.
IJC2: Good on ya!
Smith [after a fifteen-minute pause for chewing and slurping]: Shall we review the evidence, gents? If you watch closely, you will see that another player interferes with the trajectory of the tackled player, and that therefore the sad collision couldn’t be avoided by my client.
IJC3 [A vegan who has abstained from the biccies]: That’s not really what happened, mate, and besides, there is no attempt made to wrap the arms. Let’s watch the video.
IJC1: Ahhh ha ha, look at that drongo going down!
IJC2 [weeping with laughter]: what a bogan! Your boy’s just a bit of a larrikin.
Smith: Gentlemen, have another biscuit. Do we have majority agreement that the red card should be rescinded?
IJCs1&2: No worries! [Tittering.]
[IJC3 bangs head on desk.]
Farrell: Just wait till my dad hears of this persecution.
Onna telly this weekend
Friday 18th August
| Bayonne v Toulouse | 20:00 | Viaplay2 |
Saturday 19th August
| Racing 92 v Bordeaux | 13:00 | Viaplay2 |
| Leinster v Ulster (women) | 13:00 | iPlayer / TG4 |
| Wales v South Africa | 15:15 | Prime Video |
| Munster v Connacht (women) | 15:15 | TG4 |
| Lyon v Toulon | 17:30 | Viaplay |
| Ireland v England | 17:30 | RTÉ2 / Prime Video |
| Italy v Romania | 17:30 | Prime Video |
| Montpellier v La Rochelle | 20:00 | Viaplay |
| France v Fiji | 20:05 | Prime Video |
Ovally Balls 
And now they’ve just demolished our scrum!
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Woof! Ireland scrum absolutely marmelised.
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What the hell is going on today? England imploded after a half decent start, Scotland only clicked after oranges and now Ireland getting scrummed by Samoa, and trailing at half time? Not the smooth build up I was expecting. Wow!
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Chuffed to be in Bayonne right now
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Can’t wait to hear the match report from our man on the scene!
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Gonna be some sore bodies in Dublin tomorrow!
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Ahem, when they get back there?
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TRY Murray! Phew!
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It was Stockdale’s try, really: Murray just happened to touch it down.
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TRY Herring! (?)
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Yes, it’s good.
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Conversion charged down!
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Charged down conversion, nice.
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Irish bench has really upped the energy and agro levels! In a good way. Conversion charged down! There’s another rarity for you!
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Murray MotM? Seriously?
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Calamity. Sopoaga kicks for the corner, in the 77th minute, but puts it there wing side of the flag.
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He gets it right, on the second attempt.
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Fucking hell, the commentator is patronising towards Samoa.
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WHAT. A. MATCH.!
Shame about the Samoan errors in the closing moments, because they certainly looked like – and deserved – turning us over.
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That was a helluva performance by Samoa! Shit. Where do Tonga stack up against Samoa and Fiji?
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Blimey well played Samoa. Jeez, England need to get some improvement to get out of the group. Unless they can work up some serious physical commitment, they are going to get marmalized by both Argentina and Samoa.
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Deebee – good question. I don’t think they have the former All Black magic factor, but I’ll bet they’re better than we might have previously suspected.
This could be a very, very good World Cup.
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Refit
Fucking hell, the commentator is patronising towards Samoa.
His comment after Ala’alatoa was interviewed was, ‘He speaks well, doesn’t he?’ Fucking hell!
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Thauma, Tonga beat Australia ‘A’ in their first match, but then lost fairly comfortably to Japan and Fiji, twice, before beating Canada, twice. They’ve got five capped All Blacks and a Wallaby in the squad and (I think) are thr only side to have a World Cup winner in the squad outside of the Boks and Kiwis. Some very decent players here, if perhaps not enough depth in the pack:
Backs: Pita Ahki, Malakai Fekitoa, William Havili, Fine Inisi, Solomone Kata, Otumaka Mausia, George Moala, Manu Paea, Charles Piutau, Augustine Pulu, Sonatane Takulua, Kyren Taumoefolau, Afusipa Taumoepeau, Anzelo Tuitavuki
Forwards: Sosefo ‘Apikotoa, Adam Coleman, Vaea Fifita, Siegfried Fisi’ihoi, Feao Fotuaika, Solomone Funaki, Tanginoa Halaifonua, Sione Havili Talitui, Tau Kolomatangi, Paula Latu, Samiuela Lousi, Sitiveni Mafi, Siua Maile, Samiuela Moli, Paula Ngauamo, Semisi Paea, Ben Tameifuna, Sione Vailanu.
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Thanks, Deebee, a few familiar names! And Siegfried Fisi’ihoi, which is fabulous.
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Hey Deebs, if we lose to Samoa tonight, SA go to the top of the world rankings!
Bloody hell! Not THAT far off either – that penalty late on that the Samoans kicked dead could have been it!
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shiraz at the ready for this evening’s game……………………….. to be consumed with venison burgers (home made).
Couldn’t find any English humble pie in the freezer.
I loved the Fijians’ attitude.
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At £25 for a bottle of plonk here in Kenya, I’m unlikely to be slurping away with you, Slade!
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cheapskate!
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Deebee – if you want to save a couple of £, you could try what we did at uni – a £3 bottle of Valpolicella, mixed with Coke (to take the vinegar edge off). 😁
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Slade, I was going to write a novel about relative value and disposable incomes, but in a nutshell, yes.
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Refit, that was/is called a Catemba in these parts – guys who spent time in the bush war in Angola drank them and imported the ‘trend’ back here. Think it was actually originally a Mozambican thing, so may also have been all the Rhodesians as they were then that brought it to SA as well, because they all spent beach holidays in Mozambique whilst it was still a colony.
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I’m sitting sipping Tusker Lagers at the moment. Not bad. Not as nice as I remember them to be.
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I think this game in Paris will be much closer than what most people think. I just hope for no injuries and no RC.
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Flair, the last few matches have been surprisingly close, but I don’t think today will be another of those. Aus haven’t looked Iike much at all this year.
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That said, France have looked a bit panicky tonight. And then, they start turning the screws a bit and have the chance to go 8 clear.
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Doesn’t look like France have really rocked up here. They’re comfortable-ish, but not really putting their foot on the gas. Aus are spoiling well and looking for the sneaky counter punch, but the match isn’t reaching any great heights. Keeping the powder dry?
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Buggrit, I forgot what time the match was on and missed the first half.
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Tap and go and that’s more like it! Lovely break down the middle by Jalibert and Australia concede another penalty and yellow desperately trying to defend it! Glimpses, tiny, frustratingly tiny, glimpses of what France can do!
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After 50 minutes I was about to write that the Kiwis would be feeling a bit better facing this France, bit they’ve engaged the gears now and are out of sight. Damage limitation at best for Australia from here. 26-5 with 22 to go. France starting to stretch the legs a bit!
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Bitty game, lot of errors from both sides, but Aussies better than expected. At least they have a fighting chance. France did look kind of half throttle, but clinical when needed.
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Well, that second half was something of a statement! Superb from France and they’re back to being favourites in my book. So many options, so much skill, and most importantly, so much understanding between the players once they wriggled out the straight jackets and took a stride or two!
New Zealand will be stung by Friday’s match and will come out firing – it should be a classic of two instinctively attacking sides!
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Barrett cleared to play vs France .
NZ by 45.
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You mean cleared to start, Flair. France by 52
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Deebee, I too expect a classic on the opening night, when the cobwebs ( and the butterflies, see how bucolic it can be) are brushed aside. But I’d say if both teams have an instinct for attack, they both base their game on a strong defence. No that NZ showed it last week vs SA. And France also ship too many tries for Shaun E.’s liking. Ach…What was my point again?
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Flair, New Zealand actually defended incredibly well given the pounding they were taking, especially in the first half, to only concede two tries, the second of which was an intercept when they tried to use quick ball to attack. The other way of looking at it, is if they hadn’t constantly infringed, they would most likely have conceded more points – 3 times on the bounce early in the lineout maul.
I think though that a strong defence probably gives you the confidence to attack more, knowing you can scramble back if needed. Also having the skills to run, pass, step and kick without falling flat on your face helps France and New Zealand. Ireland, Scotland and the Boks aren’t too bad either. Argentina on their day are sublime too.
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Anyone have a link to a site with good player statistics for the weekend games, notably England Fiji ?
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a £3 bottle of Valpolicella, mixed with Coke
Xalimotxo (or Calimocho) in Spain…..
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BREAKING NEWS!!!!
There is NO article on how bad English rugby is in today’s Gruaniad! (So Far).
I’m shocked!
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Did we have Rhys Webb being suspended for HGH?
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/rugby-union/66628637
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