The pundits tell us that Ireland will almost certainly win the championship, as they only need a single point from their match given their enormous points difference. How wrong they are. TAO (pictured) wants to out-perform Predict-A-Bear, and has shared her wisdom and predictions through the medium of interpretive wags.
Wales v Italy
In a surprise couple of last-minute changes, Italy announce that Ange Capuozzo’s broken finger has been healed by the headmistress of the Italian branch of Hogwarts, and that Sergio Parisse will start at no. 8 as a tribute to Italy’s best Six Nations ever.
Ignoring most of the rest of the team for large portions of the match, these two players score seven tries between them, and Parisse succeeds in all the kicks at goal.
But Wales don’t take all this lying down, and score four tries of their own, including a hat-trick by retiring winger George North, who works out the tactic of simply stepping over Capuozzo. Parisse also gives away a lot of penalties.
Score: Wales 38 – 55 Italy.
Points: Wales 1, Italy 5.
Ireland v Scotland
The match begins well for Ireland with James Lowe scoring one of his trademark tries in the corner within thirty seconds of the kick-off. However, Crowley misses the conversion due to being discombobulated by the thirty-five minutes it takes the TMO and referee to decide that it was a try.
Then it all goes wrong.
The restart results in an Irish line-out that goes awry, Finn puts in a clever kick to McDuhan and he’s away and under the posts. (In fact, Ireland are to lose every single line-out.)
Then Andrew Porter gets injured, and Cian Healey comes on in the seventh minute.
Next, Peter O’Mahoney gets red-carded for taking out a player in the air at the next line-out, quickly followed by Aki Bundee for head contact in the tackle.
Shortly thereafter, Jack Crowley gets sent for an HIA and fails it, so Harry Byrne stays on.
McDuhan scores two more tries in the first half, and Darge gets one too.
The second half is unwatchable for Irish fans as Cian Healy is too tired to scrummage and Byrne misses/slices nearly all his kicks. JGP bizarrely gets replaced on the 42nd minute, and Conor Murray is nearly as slow as Healy.
Let’s cut to the chase.
Score: Ireland 5 – 55 Scotland
Points: Ireland 0, Scotland 5.
France v England
Lyon. It’s not the most glamorous French city, but it’s still a home match for Les bleus. A wounded side against an English side feeling Englishly arrogant and complacent after beating Ireland.
What could possibly go wrong for Borthwick’s team?
Well, first Elliot Daly replacing the concussed Feyi-Waboso. Second, George Ford continuing his obsession with drop goals but failing to execute them in any convincing manner whatsoever. Third, Le Garrec even more impressively causing people to ask, Antoine Qui?
The invoice-creating French pack marmelise England. Genge gets yellow-carded. Itoje gets yellow-carded. Penaud, Fickou, Atonio run rampant (well, it’s more of a waddle with Atonio). Ramos kicks superbly.
England score one lovely try through Slade, and Atonio also gets a card later on.
Score: France 30 – 10 England
Points: France 4, England 0.
The Result
Scotland for the Championship and the Triple Crown!
| Team | Played | Won | Lost | Drawn | For | Against | PD | Bonus | Points |
| Scotland | 5 | 3 | 2 | 0 | 157 | 103 | 54 | 4 | 16 |
| Ireland | 5 | 3 | 2 | 0 | 132 | 102 | 30 | 4 | 16 |
| France | 5 | 3 | 1 | 1 | 125 | 101 | 24 | 1 | 15 |
| Italy | 5 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 123 | 143 | -16 | 2 | 12 |
| England | 5 | 3 | 2 | 0 | 97 | 120 | -23 | 0 | 12 |
| Wales | 5 | 0 | 5 | 0 | 109 | 157 | -48 | 4 | 4 |
Onna telly this weekend
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 15th March
| Ireland v Scotland U20s | 19:00 | iPlayer |
| Wales v Italy U20s | 19:30 | RTÉ2 / iPlayer |
| Gloucester v Leicester | 19:45 | TNT Sports 1 |
| France v England U20s | 20:00 | iPlayer |
Saturday 9th March
| Wales v Italy | 14:15 | BBC1 / S4C / RTÉ2 |
| Ireland v Scotland | 16:45 | ITV1 / STV |
| France v England | 20:00 | ITV1 / STV / RTÉ2 |
Ovally Balls 
Not what George North would have wanted for his last Welsh match.
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How nicely did that ball sit up? :-)
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Cotter has completely lost it.
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Yes, we were going WHAT? He has corrected himself, though!
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Not sure Wales deserved those last two tries, but the second one was at least well taken.
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We did do most of the attacking in the second half so although we were shit it wasn’t like they were all over us so I reckon about 10 points would have reflected the match. I mean really they were out of sight from having kicked 12 points from penalties when they weren’t even really attacking so a 20 point win would have flattered them. As most of the game felt like us being crap rather than them doing very much perhaps we ‘deserved’ to lose by 60 or a hundred, but the other side needs to contribute more for that.
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Damn. Wales scoring at the last second kills my perfect prediction.
No a game I’ll remember besides the result. Gatland will have to be a genius to turn this poor team into a good one, when Quesada should be very pleased with Italy’s progress.
Now onto Dublin.
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Jordan fucking Larmour – wut?
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Keenan injured in warm up I think.
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Won’t be nilled then.
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Sheehan scores off a line-out steal – that’s a first!
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Turner you absolute muppet!
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Lead didn’t last long then.
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Ireland kind of let them off with the original lineout and then they do that.
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That’s the second kick to the corner Crowley has over-cooked.
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Ireland’s main tactic seems to be to score tries from Scotland throw-ins on their own 5m line. I guess we can understand why that might be, but it’s nice to see them kicking it dead instead.
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Scotland trying the same, but they kick too short instead of too long.
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Christie seems to have been a real find for us this 6N.
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BB – you jinxed him! But yes.
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Well it’s better than watching Wales have the ball, but it does feel like two teams coming off the back of surprise defeats with neither of them really on top of their game. Hope it gets better.
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We only have points through sheer luck. .
One of the commentators said that Ireland were predictable, and I think that’s right.
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The deservometer says Scotland should be winning 6-3, but so it goes.
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You’ll probably still win Thaum as I don’t think we can keep this up for 80 minutes.
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Both teams a shadow of what they are when at their best. Scotland dropsies and Ireland ponderous predictability make it a strange half. No idea how this will end up. Quite interesting actually.
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Clyde – BOD agrees with you!
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*twinkles*
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BB – we’ll see. You seem to have worked us out.
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Nah, Ireland have upped the pace already this second half and now have a penalty. They just need to keep the scoreboard ‘ticking over’ and they’ll tire us out.
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Now Finn kicks it out on the full. Our usual 3rd quarter meltdown is under way.
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Ireland looking much more like the Ireland we “know and love”
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SLMC – except for the actual finishing bit.
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Every time we see the camera on McDuhan’s face, he’s saying fuck.
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It was kind of fair enough that time.
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BB – third quarter is over and you’re still well within touching distance.
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Then it’ll be time for our 4th quarter meltdown.
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BB – does the yellow count?
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I used to sometimes think people kicking penalties was boring and that refs should play longer advantages. Now I just wish they’d blow up and someone would kick the goal.
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Finished now.
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That kick out on the full might be it too.
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What a sunset over Landsdowne Road!
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Harry Byrne is an idiot.
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Come on Scotland!
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I would have been happy for Scotland to win that.
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Yeah, that song is quite irritating.
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congratulations to Ireland, they’ve been the best side overall
we got a lot closer that I thought we would on the scoreboard but the game itself wasn’t close
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Hold the phone! POM nearly smiled when JGP called him a legend.
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What would they have done if Ireland had lost? They’ve got the cup and all the medals in Dublin…. Ask Rishi for a helicopter?
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Deservometer’s not sure about that try at the end. Kind of needed to punish Ireland a bit for not converting pressure into points, but there was probably more between the teams.
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The Deservometer is hanging limply down in the middle.
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The Deservometer says congrats to Ireland for the Championship. Better team by miles in three of their games, quite a bit today and nearly dug out a win against England despite being outplayed. Of course if England win later on then it really ought to be shared, but Ireland would be the more deserving given that someone has to have the trophy.
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