The pundits tell us that Ireland will almost certainly win the championship, as they only need a single point from their match given their enormous points difference. How wrong they are. TAO (pictured) wants to out-perform Predict-A-Bear, and has shared her wisdom and predictions through the medium of interpretive wags.
Wales v Italy
In a surprise couple of last-minute changes, Italy announce that Ange Capuozzo’s broken finger has been healed by the headmistress of the Italian branch of Hogwarts, and that Sergio Parisse will start at no. 8 as a tribute to Italy’s best Six Nations ever.
Ignoring most of the rest of the team for large portions of the match, these two players score seven tries between them, and Parisse succeeds in all the kicks at goal.
But Wales don’t take all this lying down, and score four tries of their own, including a hat-trick by retiring winger George North, who works out the tactic of simply stepping over Capuozzo. Parisse also gives away a lot of penalties.
Score: Wales 38 – 55 Italy.
Points: Wales 1, Italy 5.
Ireland v Scotland
The match begins well for Ireland with James Lowe scoring one of his trademark tries in the corner within thirty seconds of the kick-off. However, Crowley misses the conversion due to being discombobulated by the thirty-five minutes it takes the TMO and referee to decide that it was a try.
Then it all goes wrong.
The restart results in an Irish line-out that goes awry, Finn puts in a clever kick to McDuhan and he’s away and under the posts. (In fact, Ireland are to lose every single line-out.)
Then Andrew Porter gets injured, and Cian Healey comes on in the seventh minute.
Next, Peter O’Mahoney gets red-carded for taking out a player in the air at the next line-out, quickly followed by Aki Bundee for head contact in the tackle.
Shortly thereafter, Jack Crowley gets sent for an HIA and fails it, so Harry Byrne stays on.
McDuhan scores two more tries in the first half, and Darge gets one too.
The second half is unwatchable for Irish fans as Cian Healy is too tired to scrummage and Byrne misses/slices nearly all his kicks. JGP bizarrely gets replaced on the 42nd minute, and Conor Murray is nearly as slow as Healy.
Let’s cut to the chase.
Score: Ireland 5 – 55 Scotland
Points: Ireland 0, Scotland 5.
France v England
Lyon. It’s not the most glamorous French city, but it’s still a home match for Les bleus. A wounded side against an English side feeling Englishly arrogant and complacent after beating Ireland.
What could possibly go wrong for Borthwick’s team?
Well, first Elliot Daly replacing the concussed Feyi-Waboso. Second, George Ford continuing his obsession with drop goals but failing to execute them in any convincing manner whatsoever. Third, Le Garrec even more impressively causing people to ask, Antoine Qui?
The invoice-creating French pack marmelise England. Genge gets yellow-carded. Itoje gets yellow-carded. Penaud, Fickou, Atonio run rampant (well, it’s more of a waddle with Atonio). Ramos kicks superbly.
England score one lovely try through Slade, and Atonio also gets a card later on.
Score: France 30 – 10 England
Points: France 4, England 0.
The Result
Scotland for the Championship and the Triple Crown!
| Team | Played | Won | Lost | Drawn | For | Against | PD | Bonus | Points |
| Scotland | 5 | 3 | 2 | 0 | 157 | 103 | 54 | 4 | 16 |
| Ireland | 5 | 3 | 2 | 0 | 132 | 102 | 30 | 4 | 16 |
| France | 5 | 3 | 1 | 1 | 125 | 101 | 24 | 1 | 15 |
| Italy | 5 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 123 | 143 | -16 | 2 | 12 |
| England | 5 | 3 | 2 | 0 | 97 | 120 | -23 | 0 | 12 |
| Wales | 5 | 0 | 5 | 0 | 109 | 157 | -48 | 4 | 4 |
Onna telly this weekend
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 15th March
| Ireland v Scotland U20s | 19:00 | iPlayer |
| Wales v Italy U20s | 19:30 | RTÉ2 / iPlayer |
| Gloucester v Leicester | 19:45 | TNT Sports 1 |
| France v England U20s | 20:00 | iPlayer |
Saturday 9th March
| Wales v Italy | 14:15 | BBC1 / S4C / RTÉ2 |
| Ireland v Scotland | 16:45 | ITV1 / STV |
| France v England | 20:00 | ITV1 / STV / RTÉ2 |
Ovally Balls 
I’m fully expecting a return to business as usual from England this evening. France by 12+
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Well, this has started well.
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It annoys me intensely when commentators mis-pronounce players’ names. It’s literally their fucking job to get it right.
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I think Underhill needs to go for an HIA.
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This match is looking a bit unscripted so far! Fine by me!
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This is utter chaos. I’d love it, if it wasn’t England playing.
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Bugger. Furbank crocked.
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That’s un-fur-tunate for England. (Thought I’d beat CMW to it.)
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This is now a furgone conclusion.
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God, I hate the ruck caterpillar.
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Someone should invent the ruck bluetit.
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Lovely French try!
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The deservometer sees no way back for England after that. Seems to have awarded France 25 points for it.
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This is wonderfully and unexpectedly bonkers. England usually throttle the life out of any match.
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France a bit unlucky with the bounce on Penaud’s kick, but could have been a great try if he’d passed or taken on the fullback.
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Penaud is just brilliant. Wish we could take French players on the Lions tour!
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That was a very nonchalant touch down by Lawrence. England only 6 points down going into half time.
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Good try by Ollie Lawrence to keep England well in it at the break! Been a helter-skelter 40 minutes.
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well!
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Seriously, how hard is it to find out how to pronounce 46 names before a match, especially when you’re paid a lot of money for it?
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Disappointed in Marcus Rashford, advertising for Meta.
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looked like Ramos was going to kick us to death from anywhere near the half-way line. Fabulous strikes from France. England really needed that try from Lawrence
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second one comes in very useful
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now Marcus following a break by that man Earl
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Third one a bit handy too, SLMC.
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The contrast between Lawrence and Smith scoring is quite amusing – bored & slightly annoyed by it and giddy over-joyment.
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Deservometer’s blown up.
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Refit – Smith tosses his head around so much that I wonder he doesn’t concuss himself.
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French muscle to the fore there. 23-24
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Thaum – if I had hair that bouncy (tbh, if I had hair), I’d toss my head around as much as Smith.
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Marler patting the head of a French player, after being smashed into a ruck, was amusing.
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Oh, that was a cracker of a try too.
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Refit – being quite gifted in the hair department, I tried tossing my head around in imitation of Smith, and it hurt a bit.
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we really don’t need to gift tries to the French 30-24. Could this get as silly as that really silly 80 pointer a few years back ?
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Why oh why are France subbing Le Garrec?
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WoooO! Freeman in the corner.
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Glad Ford put his kicking boots on tonight.
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Well, that was a bum-clencher! Well done France.
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Bugger.
At least the final day ended on the best match.
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as I said. Kicked to death by Ramos. Cracking game though with two much better performances by the teams compared with their start to the 6N
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TAO is very pleased* that she’s got two out of three results right, even if the scorelines might have been a bit out.
*Actually she’s fast asleep.
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Great game.
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Somehow we’ve ended up watching a live Van Morrison concert that may be in the Tollymore forest.
Reminded me of the earlier discussion, because Van is a thoroughly horrible human being, but a great artist.
While Rowling might not be described as a great artist, she has written books that have got kids into reading, and that’s a great thing. Anecdotal evidence suggests that they are not happy with her stance on trans issues. Funny how things pan out.
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Hopefully the kids find one of the many better authors to read.
If you want to know the actual extent of what JKR was denying, and the goal-post moving involved, this is a good video.
(and I’ll now shut up about it)
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Although, on related news, Liz Truss didn’t have time to try and ban pro-trans healthcare, because other MPs decided to talk about ferrets. Which is very funny
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Great game tonight in Lyon. A draw would’ve been a fairer result. Well played England, tough and fast. The better team won the 6N, no doubt about this, but for me the most entertaining ones wore blue shirts ( Italy, Scotland and France) or white ones.
Next year tournament should be a cracker. Strike that: how about we had a summer 6N, with reverse fixtures, instead of meaningless summer tours ?
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Refit – that was well done by MPs!
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And a very happy St Patrick’s Day to all the Irish and Irish-envy posters out there! Enjoy the craic!
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“Irish-envy posters”
I wish Sag was still around.
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After all those years of flinging dung in the direction of Scottish rugby, I wish TomP was still around.
Boa too for that matter
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