The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Good worms Deebee! Although when you mentioned ‘Atmosphere’, this is the first thing that sprang to mind, for me
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Things are going great at the WRU, why do you ask?
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Words, Deebee.
The SA tight five and their blitz defence are what has stuffed us against the Bokke. Finn can’t do much on the back foot, no fly half can and it all stems from there.
It would be good for rugby if we can find a way to win on Sunday, allegiances aside, there should be more than one way to win a game, this is no slight on SA, they have ridiculously talented backs and Rassie, for all the shithousery, is a truly innovative coach, I just hope that David can get the old slingshot going and fell Goliath.
Turning to tonight, this is an intriguing match up which is difficult to call. Furlong being out is a huge deal and it could be where NZ can get the upper hand.
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Can I also just say, re that top pic, it wasn’t the most surprising thing that man child, that toddler won the election this week, but it is very depressing all the same.
I truly fear for women and for minorities in the LGBT+ community.
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I think we will lose by about 7 points.
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Ticht – it boggles my mind that a single woman voted for the fucker.
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Thaum, women – he’s so obviously a misogynist – and so-called Christians – has there been a more obviously not-Christian Christian political candidate in any country in the last thirty years or so?
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Well … it seems to me that misogyny, hypocrisy and the worship of megalomaniacal liars are the foundation beliefs of christianity, and many/most other religions too.
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On to the match … I had no idea that we were back in the no. 1 spot again. How the fuck did that happen?
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Thauma, that Trump pic is brilliant! And no, I don’t actually have a PA to make me coffee. A few years back, after getting home from a brilliant holiday 4×4-ing through the Wild Coast, I suggested to Mrs Deebee that since I was approaching middle age and hadn’t got a Harley or banged my secretary, I should be allowed a Defender. She sighed, reminded me that I don’t ride bikes or have a secretary and promptly ended up with the Defender I wanted. Her Nissan I now drive is lovely. Cough.
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Is World Rugby still based in Dublin? Asking for a friend.
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I vow to thee my country is a favourite school hymn of mine. IRELAND by 15!
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Piss-poor haka. Ireland by 25.
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Ha, I wrote my last post before reading Deebee’s!
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We were doing really well until Aki fucked up the pass. You all know who I think should’ve been picked.
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Penalty! 3-0 to our green heroes.
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Penalty for the men in black. 3-3.
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Aki drops the ball again!
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Pop pass inside was surely forward. And then the faux handbags. Seen better quality in a Vietnamese sweatshop.
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Personally, I love it when the TV decides to cut to random crowd shots, when something’s happening on the pitch.
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How does Telea do that? Ryan had his leg and then all of a sudden he didn’t.
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Lowe and JGP have done some magnificent things.
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Bloody hell, a squint throw called.
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ABs get another penalty. 3-6.
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Brainless from Hansen, but we are lucky to have the ball.
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We are lucky again, and Crowley makes a shit kick for the corner.
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Aki loses the ball again, not forwards this time. He’s really not having a good game.
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Oh, on the replay it looks like it might have been illegally ripped from him.
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And we lose the resulting line-out….
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Jordie Barett (Barret? Barrett?) with a yellow-under-review for slamming his shoulder into Ringrose. Don’t think it will turn red.
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Ooh, yellow for J Barrett. Advantage Ireland.
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We shoulda gone for the corner, but instead it’s HT, 6-9.
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That’s the only thing in attack Ireland have done this half. Lucky to be within 3 points.
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BB – we are very lucky.
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It’s been a bit stop start and messy, but it’s been a good attack versus a good defence so far.
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TRY Van der Flier!!!!
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NOW they’ve decided to attack.
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Good stretch by vdF.
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Bloody hell. Ball falls off the tee for ABs’ kick on goal, and he slots it anyway after replacing it.
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Sexton would never have managed that!
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ABs’ kit very Puritan-looking. Don’t like the prissy collar.
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Ulstermen are coming on! (Herring and Hendo.)
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Frawley also coming on.
ABs take a long kick at the sticks and bounce it off, and Ireland win the ball. It’s 13-12 at 57 mins.
Hendo replacing McCarthy, which is puzzling. I’d like to see McCarthy and Izichukwu in the second row.
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Third Ulsterman on! Tom O’Toole.
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NZ looking a lot better since Roigard has gone on.
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Shit, Tom O’Toole looks to have been knocked out.
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Bealham back on. Who’s not been great.
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Then duly earns a scrum penalty.
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And the ABs convert the penalty to go ahead.
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Oops, now Hendo’s given away a kickable penalty.
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