The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
On a completely different topic, this must be the most Guardian list ever:
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/nov/23/best-christmas-gifts-2024
Now, obviously I am a Guardian reader, but the only thing I’ve considered so far is:
Femme dark milk chocolate
Organic chocolate made from beans grown by a women’s co-operative in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.
Because I know someone who likes dark chocolate a lot. But the air miles???
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Thaum, I’m a fan of specialist tools and that spreading knife looks good.
In fact I used Opinel pocket knives for years when I worked on farms – to the point where I made up the phrase, if you ain’t got your Opinel you ain’t got an ‘ope in ‘ell.
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You missed your calling in the marketing world Ticht.
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A £45 Stanley drinking cup, for a 10yr old?? (I’m assuming the child is at the upper end of 0-10)
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I do hope that a lot of the featured companies have some good pro-LGBT owners/workers, just to piss off the likes of Sonia Sohda.
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What, is she a TERF?
I saw her on the telly once – a quiz show, I think – and she was a moron.
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Sonia is one of the main anti-trans voices at the Guardian. Almost all of her columns have at least a mention, if not being the main theme.
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Ah. I never read anything she writes, for the previous reason.
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All the new boys (and Stockdale) are impressing! And it’s TRY Doris!
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Ooh, they was a lovely line by Doris.
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Poor Casey’s been knocked over like a ninepin twice in last few minutes. :-D
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Shoulder to head there, Shirley?
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Oh it’s Holly, I’ve only just tuned in
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Oh dear, Prendergast is going off, possibly for the rest of the match. Shoulder to head.
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I’m not sure the new lad putting the shoulder into a Fiji face is great.
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Prendergast in trouble.
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Hollie even
why the hell are they booing, it’s obviously shoulder to head?
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Some of those Fiji lads don’t half bring the bosch
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Fattie on the charge!
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There can’t have been more than a blade of grass in that! Very good scrambled defence, but disappointing for Fiji.
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With that haircut, I’d knock Casey over too.
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Yellow remains yellow. I’m glad for Prendergast, although I wouldn’t have argued with a red.
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Ooh, Prendergast is a lucky boy.
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TRY Van der Flier!
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I wonder if Hollie’s been studying Nigel. She put Fiji on a yellow warning, and when the captain tried to talk back, he got: This is not a conversation. That is my message.
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Augh! First Cormac is denied catching the first line-out by a squiffy throw, and now he’s denied an international try by a forward pass to him!
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Fuck off Brian, that pass was a good metre forward. “Not a lot in that” my arse.
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Because I know someone who likes dark chocolate a lot. But the air miles???
Thauma, given that over 70% of the world’s cocoa is grown in West and Central Africa, it would be less damaging to produce the world’s chocolate in Africa, not Europe or the USA. And (hopefully without sounding like a dick) the balance between what it means to women in the DRC, some of the most abused and marginalized people on the planet, and air miles can’t be compared, in my view.
Sorry, back to the rugby!
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Stockdale looks like the baddie from a really cheap made-for-TV movie.
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Deebee – I thought of the cocoa after I posted that! It’s going to be either Africa or South America, isn’t it?
I might order some of it. :-)
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Refit – he’s a lovely lad! But that did make me laugh.
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Please do – if you can find properly certified coffee, tea or chocolate made by women from Central Africa, you’re doing more for them than their governments or the UN.
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Got any recommendations for coffee? I like your basic espresso roast, no silly flavours.
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Best coffee I’ve ever had was some Jamaican Blue Mountain, direct from Jamaica via a relative who was living there for a while.
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Silly Haircut scores a sneaky scrum-half TRY!
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This time the line-out throw-in was so not-straight that Cormac couldn’t catch it, and could only put a fingertip to bat it backwards.
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I’m hardly an expert, but I’ve had some sublime coffee from Burundi and Rwanda; light roast that almost gave it a hint of mint – some tea flavours, almost. If you liked the Blue Mountain, Kenya does a very good one, but the Yirgachefe from Ethiopia is sublime. Most coffee from Ethiopia is excellent.
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BOD’s becoming a bit of a whinger in his old age.
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Mint? shudders
I’ll look at the others!
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As for BOD: There isn’t a glut of scrum-halves coming through.
Errrr … Doak? Cooney?
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TRY Hansen in the 41st minute!
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Ireland in again and that’s game over (if it wasn’t over already).
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Thaum, you missed the unsaid “at Leinster”…
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And Prendergast hits the post smartly, but it bounces in! 28-3 at HT.
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BB – yes, I think there’s a good lad at Munster as well? Trisk will obviously know!
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Hmm. I’ve looked up Yirgachefe.
Those who dislike strong, full-bodied cups of coffee find the lightness of Yirgacheffe appealing.
It’s probably not for me. But I know I’ve had other Ethiopian coffees I’ve liked, so I’ll keep looking!
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I’m sort of surprised Gats hasn’t called up the Go Compare guy that we keep seeing on TNT. After all, he does offer him a jersey at one point.
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BOD worried about FIJIANS coming through the gate at a ruck?!?!?! It’s like he’s never watched his own country play.
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Lovely Irish TRY, started and finished by Aki!
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Good clearout by Fiji. Shame it was on the ref and created a gap for Ireland to score.
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