The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Henshaw off for McCloskey, and props changed.
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Bizarrely, Murray on for Stockdale! Think Jacob has had a slight injury.
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Hendo on for Cormac.
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Ah well, Fiji score.
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Get in Fiji!
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Frawley with another forward pass that would otherwise have been a try for Murray.
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BOD not going to argue that wasn’t forward?
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Maul TRY by fuck-knows-who … oh, the new McCarthy.
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I like a darker roast myself, and I guess in the UK the weather is better for dark roasts, but some of the lighter roasts really are coffees you can drink all day.
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Lovely Fiji try!
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What i wouldn’t suggest is Vietnamese coffee if you prefer good, strong Arabica – they make sublime coffee in Vietnam, but their Robusta beans are largely crap.
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TRY Hansen in the corner!
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Deebs – I’ve ordered a little of the Kenyan Blue Mountain to see if I like it. :-)
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TRY Kelleher to take us over 50 points!
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Good side-step for a hooker!
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Well, I enjoyed that with the new players! Despite some mistakes – including the one that could have seen him off permanently – I think Prendergast is the business. Not too sure about Gus McCarthy; his line-out throws were terrible. But we had more attacking vigour than I’ve seen for a while.
I do think that, sadly, Hendo is past it now.
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Now come on Wales!
(HA HA HA!)
(It is the mister’s birthday….)
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That Welsh crowd and anthem should be worth plenty. Stunning!
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Great save by Costelow!
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Oh dear. It’s taken over five minutes for Mostert to score.
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Just about to say at least Wales have lasted the first 5 minutes without conceding, then SA score!
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And another 3 mins for Etzebeth….
Oddly, Wales look like they’re playing much better than lately.
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Oh dear. Etzebeth and Mostert the two scorers. Less than 10 minutes gone.
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I didn’t expect the first scores to be from the locks – in open play.
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Both Bok locks! In open play too!
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Costello going off isn’t going to help things.
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As usual, I’m late to the contact!
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While we’re waiting for play to restart, another thought on Ireland is that Frawley has surely proven that he’s not up to an international job.
At least, not yet.
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How have SA already made over 250m??
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Arendse with the third at 19 mins. Oh dear.
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At least Costello’s back for Wales.
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Costelow’s back.
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Bloody hell, that SA scrum!
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Great Welsh defence holding up a potential fourth try!
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And the defence from Murray 😮.
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Etzebeth going off….
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Oh, Snyman coming on. Not a big improvement from a Welsh perspective!
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Can everyone remember when Eben was just a thuggish enforcer? Now he’s so dynamic as a player.
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Kolisi for the fourth at 32 mins.
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Oh wait … there may have been a knock-on!
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No try.
Could also see a kick in the head to a Welsh player in the replay, but never mind.
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Dyer may have scored!
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Yes, he has!
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Well, Wales aren’t getting nilled. Good work by Dyer, getting the ball down.
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The Boks put 90-something on Wales in the late 90s (98?) and the talk was of Welsh rugby collapsing. The Kiwis put 57 on us and the Aussies 50+ as well in a season and everyone said SA rugby was dead. Both were proven wrong, pretty emphatically, and I hope Welsh rugby bounces back quickly.
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I kinda feel bad – I reminded my dad this match was on, he’s Welsh.
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Refit, Etzebeth has always been much more than an old skool thug – he’s matured a helluva lot but has always been a dynamic player. He also attracts a lot of ‘attention’ from opposing players trying to get under his skin. Doesn’t help that he obliges with the panto villian stuff on occasion, but he’s first and foremost a hugely skillful athlete.
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Bok intensity has fallen off a cliff. Someone needs to give them a kick up the arse.
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I think they heard you Deebee.
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Much better! Still a bit ragged, but good skill!
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