The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Finally! An ugly bloody try! Another lovely conversion by Hendrikse takes the Boks to 38-5
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What the heck was that conversion? Doing trick shots now?
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TRY Botham!
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Refit – I know, that was unnatural!
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Happy with that! Not clinical, but lots of enterprise and graft, so good enough. For Wales? Not much to celebrate, hope they get the shit sorted!
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Unfortunately for Wales, I think the shit needs sorting at club level and below.
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Every level. But it can be done!
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For us to be properly competitive the shit needs sorting out below international level. In the meantime there isn’t any need for us to be quite this crap and Gats does need to go (which is sad and I wouldn’t normally be someone to say coaches should resign). Thought we were actually very committed in defence inside our 22 today, but what happens when the ball is further up the field whether we’ve got the ball, just kicked it or just lost it is horrendous.
Hope you’re all well by the way!
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Hello Clyde!
Yes, I think Wales need to go back to a running, offloady game, which isn’t really Gatland’s style. Cardiff are doing fairly well with it.
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Evening Clyde!
In today’s main game, Scotland A squeaked past Chile by 19-17, although Chile’s final points came from an intercept as the clock turned 80. Bit of a mish-mash team for us, youngsters, second choices and Edinburgh players.
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I like the way Chile play; they’re a bit like a South American Fiji without the monster bashers.
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Considering how hard Italy found it against Georgia last week, this could be bad for them with New Zealand.
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Hi Thaum. I think Wales have been trying to run the ball a lot more than used to be the case under Gats, but with not much idea how to go about it. Quite often we try to run the ball with our outside half standing ridiculously deep so even if it goes OK we don’t make the gainline. And then sometimes off an all too rare good carry our ten will stand deep and kick. Didn’t really see much of that today (though there was one awful example in the first half) as we had very little ball, mainly because every time we cleared we were immediately back in our 22 again. Our kicking game is rubbish, and our defensive organisation when we’ve chased a kick seems to be appalling. Feels like there are some basic things that someone could sort out to at least make things a little less embarrassing.
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Clyde – kicking the ball away pointlessly (literally and figuratively) is the thing that makes the mister shout at the telly most.
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Hi BB. Hope you’re enjoying Jac Morgan’s impersonations of various good Scottish back-rowers from crap teams of the 2000s and early 2010s more than I am.
And I also hope your lot go well tomorrow!
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This is a very different Italy to list week. First blood to them.
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@Thaum – I think most people can identify with that. In Wales’ case I don’t think we kick too much at the moment though – we kick poorly and sometimes at the wrong times (or with the wrong setup), but we also move the ball when it isn’t on and without anything going on to cause defences any problems.
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Good to “see” you again CMW.
I haven’t watched the WalSA match yet as I was watching Scotland A being throughly disjointed whilst playing Chile.
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Clyde – I was debating with myself whether to ask or not, but how is your daughter?
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Italy are currently leading 6-3, NZ have only been in the Italy 22 once in 20 mins and now Scott Barrett is in the bin for a croc roll.
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It would be lovely if Italy won! But I think we’d have flying porcines first.
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Thanks for asking Thaum. She’s about three weeks into her recovery from the open heart surgery which all ultimately went well. She’s been really great about it and is very much on the mend and it all seems to be OK. We didn’t feel that way about it when she was eight hours into a four hour operation (and we had no way of knowing why) and she did have some complications immediately after the op, but all good now.
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Oh, that’s great, great news, Clyde! :-)))))))
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That’s great news, CMW.
That must have been a harrowing time.
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Good to hear she’s on the mend CMW.
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I was really worried when we didn’t see you for a long time.
That wait during the surgery must have been absolutely excruciating.
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Oh, NZ woke up for a minute and Roigard walzed through the Italian defence to score. 6-10
They’ve gone back to being flaky again.
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Capuozzo has uncharacteristically knocked on twice … but the NZ try is scotched anyway! Come on Italy!
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Ticht & Thaum – If I’m honest I think that both me and Mrs CMW are a little traumatised by it. Only one of us could stay on the ward (though we could both have stayed at the hospital) so we decided to try and keep things as normal as possible for the other two and I stayed back in York (op was in Leeds) rather than calling the troops in for support. So she was on her own and I wasn’t there, neither of which was optimal for either of us. I actually spent part of it in a church attending the Little One’s harvest festival having what must have looked like a mental breakdown to anyone who noticed me, I got up and left three times and it was only 45 minutes. Not a day I’ll forget in a hurry. Seeing her sister in Intensive Care the following day was a bit of a shock to the Middle One’s system too so it’s been one of those times for all of us really (other than perhaps the Little One who wrote a list of all the positives such as getting to go on a train, getting the top bunk while her sister can’t use it etc).
And of course you inevitably see that there are much worse things going on in these places than what we were going through so you do end up feeling both sad and incredibly lucky on that front too.
Still as I say, all good now and things move on pretty quickly really.
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It was beautiful how that kick bounced of an AB leg for the Italian line-out!
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Clyde – of course it is a traumatising experience, and for the whole family. I think in these situations many people (understandably) focus exclusively on the ill person, so kudos to you for making sure the other two were also looked after.
I’m actually grinning like an idiot to hear that she is doing so well – it’s absolutely made my day/week/month!
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CMW, ten years on I’m only really beginning to realise the impact our oldest one’s anorexia had on me as the primary carer aka househusband.
She was taken out of sixth form because they thought her heart would pack in at any moment.
I remember being in Asda one day and one of the shop workers made light of my obvious distress – she had no way of knowing what I was going through. I know now that I was cracking up.
Anyway, my point here is look after yourselves as parents too.
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Ticht – I think the lesson there is that we all need to be a bit kinder to people, as we don’t know what they’re going through.
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absolutely, Thaum.
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Thaum,, she is finishing her PhD and already has a post-doc job about to start. She got a first in her degree and a distinction and award for her Masters dissertation and I am very close to crying as I type this as we almost lost her.
CMW, it may seem like it’s hard just now but it will work out
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It certainly puts things like Wales being shite into perspective. Though I would also say that there are times when you could do with your team cheering you up a bit and the bastards will let you down!
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My co-favourite uncle dropped dead of a massive heart attack at the gym about ten years ago. It turned out he had a congenital, undiagnosed heart problem. He had been having some chest pains, which the doctors had unaccountably not treated as urgent.
But he was probably the kindest person I’ve known, and always sought to find a reason why someone might be acting like an arsehole. I resolved to try to be more like him. Not sure I’ve succeeded entirely, but it has changed my outlook.
His lovely daughter was upset that the people who witnessed it must have been traumatised.
He was also a big Ulster and Ireland rugby fan, of course!
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Ticht – she’s done brilliantly! And so have you, to get her there.
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@Ticht – A colleague and friend of mine was in similar circumstances (he’d come back to work having been a househusband with an anorexic son) and I never knew how he and his wife coped. I believe the son is doing OK now too. I can’t say how glad I am that so far I haven’t had to cope with anything to do with the kids that I would put in the bracket of me ‘not really being able to understand’, I always think those things must be the hardest.
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Italy doing some exciting things! Not quite scored, but they have a line-out on the 5-metre line….
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… which results in another penalty, and the ABs are getting a talking-to.
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Italy go for the corner again….
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CMW, I always thought I could get my daughter through the anorexia. It was a far more formidable thing when faced with the middle one’s depression and self harm, which turns it turned out to be about gender and them being trans and not understanding that at school when they got horribly bullied.
I apologise, I don’t want to somehow undermine the enormity of what you’ve been through, I’m really trying to say that as parents we are sailing these waters without the aide of charts or experience and we make out own way as best we can.
What I can say is that you are not alone – this is a very much smaller community than before but I believe it’s a strong one.
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Another penalty, and a yellow card!
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Damn, the ABs win the ball back.
Ticht, I had an absolutely horrible childhood mitigated by my wonderful granny and some aunts and uncles, and then I was moved away from the support system to the US, and that was extremely difficult. I was a very angry – and also suicidal – person. It gradually got better after I moved out of the parental home.
So I salute you and Clyde for being great parents. Mine were shite.
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Sam Cane leaves an international pitch for the last time.
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Doing my best to ignore what looks a pretty impressive scoreline from the Italians. At times like these the ‘we don’t need them getting any better’ hat has to come out fairly regularly.
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Damnit, I had to go pee and missed the NZ try.
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Refit – same here!
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We need every component of the 6N to be strong.
Scotland were rubbish for far too long
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