The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Menoncello has been very good
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TRY Italy!
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@Ticht – Don’t worry, I didn’t take anything you had to say like that at all.
As far as this place is concerned my absence has been entirely a me thing – a symptom of a wider malaise in my mental health over the last few years in which I’ve allowed myself to become very isolated on all sorts of fronts, especially from people and things that I enjoy (the kids being an exception to this). I do always aim to do better though!
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That was a wonderful try by Italy
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CMW – I’ve been to that exact place and I can only say that since moving back to Scotland and getting out and about and meeting old friends, my mental health has improved immensely
Though I can remember exactly how hard it is to get out that door and meet people/go for walks/ interact with others etc
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Shame, Italy didn’t deserve that scoreline
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Oh shit, Barrett has just scored again. Still, I thought NZ would put 50+ points on Italy, so they’ve done well really.
Clyde, it’s unsurprising that your mental health has taken a kicking under the circs. We are glad to have you back!
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What Thaum said, it’s good to see you again CMW.
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I don’t necessarily agree that we need all the Six Nations teams to be good. I do think we need all the ‘smaller’ ones (include Italy obviously in rugby terms) to be good (joking aside), but I can live with England and France being poor by their standards any time they like as their version of rock bottom will never be as low as it is for the rest of us and there will never be a risk of it lasting as long as it potentially can for the others.
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Thanks Refit.
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Clyde, if you haven’t been lurking, you won’t know that Refit has had some problems of his own.
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@Thaum – What a way to behave.
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@ Refit – More seriously that sounds like a tremendously awful experience – glad to only hear about it knowing that you’re on the mend to be honest!
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I’m taking care to position myself away from the edge now!
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Some good news for me, I might be nearing the end of my stay in hospital.
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Morning all! First up, CMW so glad that your daughter is on the mend, as are you and Mrs CMW – strength to you all. It does put the rugby into perspective. Second, one of the reasons I’ve always loved Ovally and its previous iterations, is the empathy and genuine camaraderie. Chapeau to Thauma, Ticht et al for the support.
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I can’t “like” posts here, for a reason. Had I been able to, I would have liked many in the previous pages. Bravo to you Clyde, and Ticht. Nothing worse than bad stuff happening to our kids. Hope it goes better, just like with Wales, sooner than later. Cheers.
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Ticht, I might be part of a golfing team vying for bragging rights with our British colleagues next October in Dornoch. Our little competition’s been going on for over 35 years. Last time in France was in Granville, the year before in the UK was in Gullane. Should I qualify, I’d love to meet you in person, as I would certainly extend my stay by a few days. Keep safe.
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So, have Australia made real progress in the autumn, or will Scotland put them back in their place?
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Maybe both?
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Yes.
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‘Mon Scotlaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!
More worried about this game than any other this autumn.
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Not the greatest of starts from us.
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That was quite the kick, by the Aus #8.
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Sione!!!!!
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That looked very easy for Tuipolotu.
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The league lad has just fucked himself, getting a tackle all wrong.
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Good half by Scotland. Are Australia reverting to type?
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He was lucky he didn’t get carded for how he tackled against Wales. Dog knows how many we’d have lost by if he had been.
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Dirty play. Mini-Nige in the box.
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Ooh, lucky there.
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DTH furra lineee!
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McDuhan in!
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That was magic by Graham and a hell of a finish by Bayliss!
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Baylisssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And what a break from Wee Darcy!
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Finn over! What a try. That should kill it (he says quietly).
And… DUHAN PASSED THE BALL!
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So, Scotland have decided to become unplayable? Excellent creation by McDuhan and nice for Russell getting the score.
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That is a magical try from Harry Potter!
Sorry.
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Properly impressive defense by Scotland at the end.
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Fabulous Scotland! Great win!
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BB, I hear Potter is being lured by a couple of English clubs. He’s apparently got the quid itch.
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Someone get Deebee’s coat for him
I enjoyed that match, Scotland were’t exactly purring, too many inaccuracies but when we strung a couple of phases and passes together we looked decent.
I was expecting Australia to outmuscle us after their two earlier games but it looked like we stepped up in that respect.
Aus look like they are very close to being a proper Wallaby side again.
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Sleightholme really does have a terrible haircut.
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Rowling on the floor laughing
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Ticht – I reckon before the 6N, the forwards should be practising attacking lineouts for hours, perhaps days, until they get the bloody thing right! (Or just pick Johnny Matthews).
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That was lovely and simple by England.
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Well done Scotland. Pleased for them and would have been disappointing if Aus had been able to win all their games at this stage.
Couldn’t watch it so did the Little One’s homework with her which amounted to making a poster about Stone Age cooking based very closely on a Horrible Histories book. I’m very proud of my cartoon caveman and quite impressed with the Little One’s ability to copy it.
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Impressive strength by Underhill, to transfer the ball while being tackled to his other hand. He is broken though.
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This is starting to get ugly for Japan. Lovely acrobatic finish by Freeman, for a 4th try – that is scrubbed for a knock-on.
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Oof, England just ate the Japan scrum. George gets his second try of the match from the resulting lineout drive.
28-0
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