The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Beirne is from somewhere in the East though isn’t he?
Doris is from Mayo though it turns out so that’s one for the Wesht!
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Born in Eadestown apparently. McCarthy was born in New York, but his parents moved back when he was young.
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Beirne is from Kildare – let go by Leinster and picked up by Llanelli.
Doris – notionally from Mayo, went to school at Blackrock – very SoCoDu*.
south County Dublin
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@cmw
Though some of the Leinster players could be from other parts of Ireland I guess and been picked up by the rugby schools or academy?
Generally, the opposite – Leinster fee-paying schools churn out so many that a good number of players in provincial academies or the actual teams are Leinster exiles (Cooney, Timoney, O’Connor at Ulster), Beirne. Loughman, and Paterson at Munster (and historically Conway, Carbery), Connacht … how long have the you got?
Only one who fits the reverse is Henshaw – and Athlone straddles the Leinster/Connacht boundary. Story goes he was all set to join Munster but the then girlfriend / partner wanted to live in Dublin (no idea if it’s true or if the current “other half” is the same one as in the story)
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Think everyone in the starting XV is from Leinster, Australia or NZ.
This is not a good look – nor is putting your previous starting 10 up for a press conference and then dropping him to the bench
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McCarthy was born in New York, but his parents moved back when he was young.
You recall the Twitter account Tier2Rugby trying to make a big thing about the number of Irish players born abroad – but including O’Gara (San Diego) and Heaslip (Tiberias in Israel – when his soldier father was with the UN in Lebanon)
Nature of the Irish diaspora is that there’s always a few …
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Same with the Scottish diaspora (as I know from doing my family tree, loads in Canada, a few in USA, Australia, New Zealand and 3 in South Africa! That’s just my dad’s side so far, and I’m only in the 1800s, so there will be loads more. Don’t think we can claim for descendants of 3rd cousins 3x removed though).
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Just looked at the fixtures: Ulster v Leinster tonight!
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C’mon Ulster!
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Although I backed Leinster on Superbru..
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Traitor!
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More importantly, the URC Champions are playing tonight…
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I have some in Canada, BB, some in Nrn Irn too :-)
I’ve just had steak with a fresh green peppercorn sauce with cajun spiced potatoes (in the absence of seasonal Jersey Royals) and mixed veg.
Two large glasses of Malbec and a slice of chocolate orange.
I feel like I’ve been to lunch with Debbie.
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Ha! Deebee you autocorrect minx!
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I was wondering WTF Debbie was! Maybe the one who did Dallas?
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In other Norn Irish sport news, Mark Allen’s just taken the first frame of Lisiecki.
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Lisowski, even.
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And ‘off’! Bloody hell.
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Uh-oh, no-one from the Ireland squad is back.
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York County, Ontario for me Ticht. Pure hunners. A few went across early, even before Canada was a country. Not all with my surname though.
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Watch out for that untried youngster on the Leinster bench, Thaum. Looks like he could be good. Snyman is his name I think.
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TRY Moore!
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BB, some of mine were Morrisons from Lewis, my maternal Grandmother’s side, who went to Nova Scotia and Cape Breton and were part of the Gaelic-speaking community there
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Can’t get anything right tonight. Carson, I think.
Anyway, it’s 7-0!
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BB – pah, who’s even heard of him?
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Fuck, Luke McGrath scores off the back of a scrum in our 22.
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Leinster 5’s head straight into Aidan Morgan, which somehow earns only a yellow.
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Quite a shocking decision.
Anyway, Doak scores off the resulting penalty, so it’s 10-7.
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Earlier in the same play, Kok also got bashed on the head, which wasn’t looked at, and has gone off for an HIA. Seems that Morgan is still on, which is weird.
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Leinster slotted a penalty while I was feeding the dog, but now we’re going to the corner after a good break from Doak.
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And then give up a penalty during the maul.
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Ulster with a good attack in the 22, but EOS drops the ball for no particular reason except that he bizarrely didn’t seem to be expecting it.
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We get another penalty. 13-10.
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We’ve now lost Moxham (knee injury?), who replaced Kok. Looks like Cooney coming on to the unlucky right wing.
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Still 13-10 at HT, but I’ll be amazed if we win this. At least three scrum penalties against us, dodgy line-outs, dodgy mauls and a fair few players already replaced due to injury – although Leinster have also lost a few.
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Timoney’s now got a yellow for standing there while a Leinster player ran into his head.
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Scarlets’ defence is definitely getting the better of Glasgow
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Snyman on. We are doomed.
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Their attack is doing pretty well too
Scarlets in for their second try
7 – 13 with the away team’s conversion to come
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7 tries so far in Quins v Briz (17-28), Bill Mata just scored on his Prem dayboo.
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The inevitable happens: after any number of ignored forward passes and at least one knock-on, Leinster get through some very good Ulster defence.
I’ll wake my other eye up tomorrow, perhaps.
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Glad to see you, Refit: I was starting to worry! How’s home?
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It was very cold – the heating part of my boiler broke, so I got that fixed today, Starting to warm up now.
I’m also sleeping bang in the middle of my bed.
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Lovely Ulster TRY by I’m not sure who!
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Carson again.
Refit, I hoped you wouldn’t return to find issues like that. Glad it’s working now.
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And maybe invest in a bolster to put between you and the floor, on the bed.
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Bloody Leinster have scored again. We gave away a stupid penalty.
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A quite exciting passage of play full of undeclared Leinster forwards passes and knock-ons again, but finally one gets called.
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Ulster win a free kick at the scrum! That would not have happened in the first half.
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And it’s all fucked up despite a nice opportunity.
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