The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
It’s now Quins 24 – 45 Bristol. Bonkers game.
Also, Newcastle are somehow beating Sarries 17-5.
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Back to Leinster scrum penalties.
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Nice goings-on in the English Premiership!
Meanwhile, the ref has finally called a Leinster forward pass!
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Cooney now looking like an extra from Day of the Dead with a bandage on his head and one leg not working properly. Not sure we have a replacement.
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And Leinster score.
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Ross Byrne with a shocking conversion attempt. Prendergast won’t need to worry about him.
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Leinster not straight on a line-out, and Ulster offered scrum or line-out. Bizarrely, they choose scrum.
AND THEY WIN A PEN OFF IT!
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Ah fuck, it all comes to nothing, despite some hope that also came to nothing. At least we get a LBP.
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Switching over, it looks like Glasgow have turned the match around.
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Oh, but Scarlets win a penalty, and it’s not over yet. Two points in it.
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Well, Scarlets make a piss-poor attempt to set up a drop goal, which is charged down, and that’s it.
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Sounds like Mark Allen (our Irish hero in the snooker) was suffering during the Ulster match, but since we’ve turned back over to watch, he’s now up 5-3. Needs one more to win.
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Woo hoo! Mark Allen wins.
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Debbie here. Never been to Dallas (or anywhere in the USA). Your dinner sounded scrumptious, Ticht. I made the mistake of going out on Thursday night and drinking tequila. Beyond stupid. Completely useless at work yesterday and couldn’t muster anything more than a tarted up frozen pizza for dinner.
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Apparently it was Timoney who ended up on the ill-fated left wing last night after Cooney went off injured! We have a wee problem with wingers for the trip to Toulouse now….
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Bealham has turned into someone completely useless – why is he still on the team?!
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Dear dog, we’re getting nilled.
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TRY VdFLIERRRRR!
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Wassa score? Got the Sharks-Stormers on.
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5-10; Prendergast missed the conversion, obvs.
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There was nearly a glorious fatty try from the half-way line by the Australian tighthead, but Prendergast saved it. They do, however, score a penalty.
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Still 5-13 at HT.
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Ireland need to wake up a bit in the 2nd half. Only saw the last 10 or so, but Aus looking to run them from all over.
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Yes, Australia are a much improved side under Schmidt.
We are looking tired, and the best thing we have on the pitch is Prendergast.
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TRY DOOOOORIS!!!!
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With the conversion, we are now leading for the first time.
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We’re losing again after a penalty, if anyone’s wondering, and now they have another penalty. Which goes over, so it’s 15-19.
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Half-backs being changed for the Munster duo.
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All of a sudden, play has livened up!
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And we get a penalty to the corner, except Crowley only manages the ten-metre line, but manage to maul, but it’s held up. Fuck! 9 mins to go.
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But then we go again and manage to get it down! TRY (Gus) McCAAAAAARTHY!
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Conversion is good, and it’s 22-19 with less than 7 mins to go.
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We win! Surprisingly!
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Nice one Thauma! Tuned in after a very iffy match in Durban. Shoulda watched this one instead.
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We looked tired and out of ideas until the replacements came on. Casey in particular made a big difference.
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That’s a bit worrying with the Six Nations looming. France for the GS? With apologies to (almost) everyone, I’d love to see a fired up France deliver the goods.
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On current form, I think it’ll be France and Scotland fighting it out.
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Bulls score in the corner! Weather in the wesht looking almost decent?
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Maybe not. Raining and windy. But not gale force by the looks of it on TV.
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That’s a lovely summer’s day in Weshtern terms.
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Lovely weather isn’t contributing to a good game. Pretty disjointed so far, but then the other matches so far today have been too. Post internationals rustiness I’m assuming.
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Cardiff score their second try in the 42nd minute. It’s 17-9.
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Bucketing down! Connacht down to 14, but actually playing better for it. Red card for an elbow to the head.
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Filthy buggers.
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Bulls 14-0 up at the break. Could’ve been double that for both sides, but for some sloppy handling, probably weather related.
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Cardiff get the TBP!
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0-21 to the Bulls. Not sure the score reflects the game, but they’ve taken a few chances where Connacht haven’t.
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0-28. With 23 to go. Gumede gonna get red for contact to the eye area. It was dumb, fell for a giggle, but should know better. More you look at it, the stupider it is. Yip. Red. Evens up the numbers.
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Connacht kick to the corner but lose the lineout. Bulls turn over the next lineout too. Connacht struggling now. Except they’re putting some lovely phases together now… 5m out….and under the posts!
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Bulls can’t count. Pinged for wrong numbers at the lineout. From the free kick, Connacht recycle down the narrow side, have great support and score! 14-28. Too late? Probably for the win, but the LBP is on.
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