The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
3-7, but Russell fucks up the restart and it’s a scrum to LAR in the middle of the pitch.
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Andrew Brace reffing, just to please Refit.
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Bath win the ball back, and Finn goes for a safe kick to touch.
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Comms have just called Andrew Brace “a top referee”. Clearly this is the first match they’ve seen him take charge of,
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I laughed at that!
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Aww, both sides having a big group hug to warm up.
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LAR maul over from about 20m!
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This kick a bit further out and a bit further to the side, but made anyway. 3-14.
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La Rochelle in again! There’s a whole lot of stuff falling out of the sky that looks cold and wet. Haven’t seen it down here in ages.
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Finn slots a seemingly-impossible penalty given the conditions. 6-14.
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The Finn strikes! Just a 3-pointer though. 14-6 to LAR.
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But now LAR have put one in the corner.
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Sneaky scrum-half try!
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That was a HUGE hole that Kerr-Barlow just sauntered though, to score.
Nice lead by LAR after 33 mins, 6-21
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And that’s converted too. 6-21, 33 mins in.
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What conditions? Great lineout, picks the ball up off his toes and twinkles over for LAR’s 3rd try. Converted and 6-21.
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Slower than a slug on an uphill. Think I’ll stick to just watching!
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Commentator’s just said something like, One of those nights where you put your pint down, and when you pick it up again, it’s fuller than you left it.
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And that’s HT with the score unchanged.
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Trying that with my wine glass, but for some reason it’s not working. A bit like Bath’s lineout as the hooker cocks it up. HT. Probably my FT.
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This could get real messy for Bath.
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This is a cameraperson’s nightmare. Lenses very watery.
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Looks like I might have underestimated LAR, I’ve got them by 12 on the ‘Bru. Although I’m the most confident in them
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Never underestimate ROG’s desire to win the European Cup!
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I hope he ends up as Ireland’s coach eventually. There’ll be none of this Leinster bias with him on charge, although there might be a Munster bias! But actually I think he’d just pick the best players.
Suspect he won’t want to move until his kids have finished school, and I think he has about a hundred of them.
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Dithering after the mark has not worked out well for Bath.
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RFU going the way of the WRU?
https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2024/dec/06/enormous-and-irreparable-damage-former-chairmen-call-for-resignations-at-rfu
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TRY Bath, but there’s another kiss’n’cuddle going on!
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Bloody hell, that conversion by Russell was bonkers.
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Finn bounces the conversion off the post, but it goes in. 13-21.
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Yellow for Nowell, shirely?
“Top class ref” my arse.
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LAR in trouble with the TMO. But apparently it’s nothing, even though it looked like a straight shoulder-barge to lesser humans.
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Try yes or no to Bath. TMO says yes, but we think it’s dodgy.
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With the conversion it’s 20-21.
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Every replay seems to show LAR getting the ball down, however briefly, before Bath. Oh well.
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Penalty LAR, 20-24.
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“Top class referee” Thaum, don’t forget.
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Mmm.
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20-24 at FT. Wouldn’t have guessed that at HT.
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Glaws win at home to Edinburgh in the challenge cup, scrappy weather, scrappy game. A bit shit from both sides, tbh. Neither side able to complete more than a couple of phases without knocking the ball on, Lewis Ludlow a deserved MoM.
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Boooo! Bristol v Exeter in the Women’s Prem is postponed due to the terrible weather.
Time to watch the Sharks beat up Exeter men, in much better looking weather.
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The Exeter 8, Fisilau, is lucky to only get a yellow for head contact on the Sharks 15. There was no attempt to lower the tackle height and no dip by the Sharks player.
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So Exeter go down to 14 and score a try. Then go back up to 15 and concede 2 tries? Supposed to be the other way about, no?
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Exeter opened the scoring but it seems like the Sharks wanted it to be a fair contest. Since Exeter have been back to full strength, they’ve scored 3 excellent tries.
19-7 after 27 mins.
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Sorry, make that 3 tries. Reckon Chiefs just annoyed them by scoring.
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Not sure who I want to win this. My first reaction, when I saw Exeter’s headache-inducing kit, was Sharks. But then we have Exeter at home, and I think we might be able to beat them, and any loss by the Sharks – whom we don’t play – has to be good.
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How did Exeter get a turn over at that maul? Half their players entered from the side.
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If anyone has a whiff of how to watch the Cardiff match without paying bloody EPCR, please let us know!
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Make that 4 tries!
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Oh, the little hitch-kick by Kolisi, just before he scored, was delightful.
I don’t think Exeter will be doing a Bath-esque comeback on this one.
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