The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Thaum, you can try https://www.vipbox.lc/, but make sure you have a good adblocker first.
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The paddling pool and bouncy castle at the side of the pitch are cute.
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Cheers, Refit! I think some of them were on YouTube last year, but I haven’t been able to find it.
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I go away for a few mins and then Sharks are down to 12?!!!
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Missed the second half – my neighbour was going to the shops, so I tagged along. From the score and yellow cards, it looks like it was fun
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Saints are properly doing a number on Castres. 38-8 with 3 mins to play.
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Phew, that hit on Libbok has to be a red card. Poor guy got perfectly legally flattened a while ago, too, leading to a Toulon try.
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Yes, it’s a straight red. No bunker bollocks.
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Libbok is getting stretchered off. Hopefully just as a precaution.
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… With an oxygen mask.
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Toulon have just earned a yellow now as well. It’s 14-24 with 7 mins and change to go.
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Just switched over and rewound. That was properly nasty.
The Exeter 8 did similar earlier, but got away with just a yellow – probably because the other player wasn’t stretchered off.
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Now the Stormers’ 11 earns a yellow for shoulder to chin.
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Toulon are just fucking thugs.
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It’s looking a bit blowy at Thomond Park.
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Stade Français have come to play. Fast and furious.
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Well, since I wrote that it’s been all Munster, and now TRY Abraham!
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Crowley nails a stunning touchline conversion. 7-0.
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Munster 12 gets a lucky yellow.
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TRY Daly on his 100th cap!
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Munster get close to scoring again before HT, but SF’s defence is too good. 14-0.
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SF player red-carded for swinging an arm with force into POM’s head.
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And Munster score off the resulting penalty to the corner!
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POM’s just been attacked again on the floor. Not sure what’s happened, but he’s bleeding.
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Actually it started with a spear tackle on Casey. So that’s a second red for SF.
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Actually Casey was brought down on his back, but he was lifted upside down. Then POM reacted.
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TRY Farrell for the BPT!
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Fucking hell, Stade have just scored!
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Munster seem to have switched off a bit. That could be a mistake; there’s still 17 mins to go.
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SF have just got lucky not have another card for a shot to the head off the ball.
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TRY Coombes in the 78th minute.
Conversion missed, and it’s 33-7 at FT.
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Saracens have fairly easily dealt with the Bulls, certainly helped by the Bulls being down to 13 for nearly 10 mins in the second half. 27-5 at the final whistle.
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I can’t decide which of Quins, Sale or Connacht to watch now.
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I’m thinking Glasgow (Sale), but I don’t have the remote….
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Cool, I’ll put that one on. Cheers.
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Hopefully there’ll be no outright thuggery in this match.
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I don’t think Glasgow could have started any better. First try within 3 mins.
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Brilliant by Horne!
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Good lord, what a finish by Horne 😮😮😮
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Hero to villain for Horne. Yellow card for him & a penalty try for Sale, after he goes in at the side on a maul.
19-7
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I go to feed the dog, and three more tries happen!
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Took a whole 2 minutes for Glasgow to restore their 3 try lead.
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Sale woke up again and the lead is down to 2 tries again. 26-12
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Horne hat-trick!
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Bloody hell, Horne’s got a hat trick. Lovely fatty break by Bhatti (with a hitch kick) and Horne on hand to finish. 33-12 at half time
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I hope Farrell is paying attention, because I think we have found our Lions scrum-half.
Never mind that he doesn’t play for Leinster.
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I could’ve told Sale that signing Addison was a mistake, but I’m awfully grateful that they took him off our hands.
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Well, that was far and away the best match of the weekend so far.
Thinking Lions again, Horne and Russell would be a brilliantly creative half-back pairing, but I can’t see Farrell going for creative.
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I’m also thinking Scotland for the 6N.
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Hell Thaum, you trying to jinx us? IF we win our first two games, then we MIGHT have a chance, as one of those is against Ireland. Also got to go to WhateveritscalledTwickenham and France. And it would be just like us to be on for a Slam and then get beat by Wales in the last minute.
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