The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
As for Ulster, we are away to Toulouse today. I expect them to put 50 points on us. Then things might get really rocky in the second half.
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Tiggers winning at HT. Boo, hiss.
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Never fear, the Beagles score twice in two minutes.
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And again!
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Leicester unfortunately get the TBP after the clock goes red. 42-26.
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Nope, 28. Thought he’d missed the conversion, but apparently not.
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Yep. Toulouse score after a minute and a half.
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We get a line-out in their 22 and fuck it up.
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Toulouse don’t fuck up their line-out in our 22, and Ntamack goes over.
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TRY Ulster! Only the ref could see it under the bodies….
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Lions! 0-7 after 12 minutes in Wales! Ospreys very sportingly have an empty stadium to make the Lions feel at home. Is that weather related?
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Toulouse score again, of course.
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And Ntamack scores again.
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That’s the BP after 20 mins.
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Ah wait! Ntamack was off-side. Hooray!
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Inevitably, Capuozzo gets it anyway.
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And then Dupont goes over.
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10-7 to Ospreys after 30 minutes, but the Lions have a penalty for taking a man out in the air. 2nd penalty missed.
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TRY Ulster!
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And then we drop the restart.
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Toulouse score again after Ulster get massively fucked over by the ref (he awards a knock-on when it was a clear header).
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40-14 at HT, which is frankly better than I expected.
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Re the ‘knock-on’, the ref’s excuse was that the touch judge had called a knock-on, and he couldn’t go back. This was only seconds later.
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13-7 Hairsprays at the break. Consensus down here is SA sides have no idea when to kick. Who woulda thunk?
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Again – Ulster ask about a Toulouse knock-on and the answer is, ‘nobody saw it’. Well, we did.
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Another penalty given when the ref was in the way, whose answer was, Well, I’ve gotta stand somewhere’.
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Well, complete bullshit. Ospreys sealed off the lineout, one Lions guy got through the middle, turned it over and conceded a penalty to an offside player on the ground. Ospreys score off the penalty. Hometown horseshit.
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Wait a second. Is Bielle-Biarrey actually Capuozzo wearing a scrum cap?
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Herring’s come on, the line-out was fucked up, and Toulouse score off it.
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Oh sweet god. Ospreys guy completely interfering with play, (picking up the ball on the Lions side of the maul) should be a penalty advantage, fuck all, Lions go wide, intercept and under the posts. I seldom have a go at the officials, but this is appalling shit. Dunno who the ref is but he’s been swayed by the crowd in an empty fucking stadium!
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Ramos really does have the ugliest place kicking style.
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And we fuck up the restart (again).
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Capuozzo scores again.
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Dupont’s off!
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Jac Morgan was never onside but looks like they’ll get another try. Picking the ball up in the maul. This is simply pathetic. Finally. After 20 odd replays the ref is calling it offside. It was obvious from the live footage. Jesus.
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TRY Hendo! And Toulouse should be losing a man, because they were on a warning and infringed again.
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Lions are playing like shitanyway , but suddenly getting the rub of the green. Finally – 60 minutes in – the ref pings the Ospreys for hands in, offsides, basically cynical fouls. Lions cock it up anyway.
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No, how silly of me.
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54-21. We just need one more try for a TBP….
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And it ends with a penalty try for Toulouse.
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61-21
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Lions score, coxk up the restart and that should be that. They didn’t deserve to win, but two crucial calls were pathetic and cost them 14 points against.
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Time for the big match, Bristol v Leinster
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Jesus, MacGintey just got absolutely folded by Ringrose and is hurt. Excellent tackle – bastard.
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New flyhalf please.
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Yellow for Kelleher, dropping a Bristol maul. Bristol then cock up the quick tap and Leinster clear their lines.
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Ooh, looks like Max Deegan tripped a Bristol player, as they broke into the Leinster 22. A second yellow card is being brandished. There was cover, so no penalty try
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Bristol stick it in the corner. Long lineout and Lahiff ends up with the score. 7-0 after 30 mins.
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Leinster score almost immediately. Bristol don’t gather a chip into their 22 and Larmour gathers to score. 7-all
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Another trip by a Leinster player. For some reason the ref lets them off with just a warning this time.
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