The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Just switched on Bulls v Saints to see an Ulsterman scoring!
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Balzac wrote that a man.who enters his wife’s bathroom is either a philosopher or a fool. The same applies to any rugby fan who watches a game that involves Castres.
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The Bulls play in the same color as Castres. Coïncidence? Me think not.
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Flair – :-D
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Whatever happened to Welsh rugby is not good. The Ospreys are being spanked in Montpellier where the locals fight to avoid T-14 relegation.
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At least Castres manage to win at home.
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Sigh. Ulster drop the kick-off, and Bordeaux score off the line-out.
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TRY Izichukwu!
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Izichukwu with a fabulous run and kick from our 22 into theirs.
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Bordeaux have lost a player to the bin for a cynical infringement, and are on a warning for another.
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TRY Timoneeeeyyyyy!
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Bordeaux get awarded a penalty try against Dave McCann.
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Poirot earns a yellow card for cynicism in the 22.
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There might be another card for a shoulder to Timoney’s head!
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It is, and they are lucky it’s a yellow.
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TRY Kok!
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19-14 at HT.
Even if we go on to lose, I am pleased with how we’ve played in this half.
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Ulster worth their lead. Bordeaux might be the better team on paper but their stupidity costs them dearly, and deservedly. Let’s see if they can keep 15 players on the pitch. If they dont, I’d deport them en masse to Castres.
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You’re in fine form today, Flair!
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Pennaud scores off the back of a couple of uncalled forward passes, and it’s 19-21.
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Fuck! Bordeaux get the BPT.
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Obviously my threat worked.
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Well, it would. Imagine the shame.
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What a try!
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Well, it’s all over now. Bordeaux score again.
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Ulster just falling apart now.
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And the damned winos score again.
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19-40 at FT. We didn’t score a single point in the second half.
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I don’t see us getting out of the pool.
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Not denying Bordeaux’s superiority once they remembered they had a brain, but the score is hard on Ulster. They certainly deserved a BP.
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Thaum, I dont know how pools work, but in a pool with Toulouse and Bordeaux, it was always a huge ask.
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New look ASM rolling back the years.Won’t last but they lead 7/0 after 7 minutes.
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Wonder if Slimani will play for Leinster against his old club.
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Flair – yes, I think I wept for three days when I first saw the pool, and that was before we went to complete shit.
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Jaysus, Tigers are crushing the Sharks. 42-10 with 5mins played in the second half.
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Not sure what Leinster and ASM play should be called rugby. Dreadful game.
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Ha! Leinster get a tap-and-go in front of the posts, and forget to tap it….
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And that’s denied them the BPT.
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Thaum, don’t you need to score 4 tries to get the BP?
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That’s at least a yellow for the Bristol player.
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Wow, what a finish by Nowell! How he managed to keep his foot out of touch, his body in the air and get the correct end of the ball down first, was amazing. First blood to LAR, 7-0 after 17 mins.
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Flair – yes, I thought they had three? Or was it one converted, one not, and a pen?
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Two tries, a conversion and a penalty.
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That’s what I get for not putting on my glasses. Thought it showed 3 tries, and was surprised that Prendergast hadn’t managed to convert any.
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Cardiff have just scored a nice try to bring them level with the Cheetahs, and conversion to come.
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As the mister has pointed out, it was a very Shane type of try. Conversion is good, so Cardiff are ahead by 2.
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Cardiff have won 26-10 with a BPT. At least one of us is happy.
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LAR never seemed to get out of 3rd gear and beat Bristol 35-7.
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Stade Francais keeping up the weekend tale of French teams getting cards, Macalou getting a straight red for a swinging arm to the head of the Saracens 9, who was on the floor. He could also have gotten a yellow for tripping the player, which is why he was on the floor in the first place.
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Stade have now lost their 5, but only a yellow this time, for a shoulder to the Saracens 11’s head – saved by a step before contact.
And now Stade are on a warning for infringements on their line.
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