The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Rhys Carre decides to even the numbers a bit, by using his elbow to fend off a Stade player and gets himself a yellow.
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Benneton have let a 17-7 lead slip; Bath 21-17 up with 14 to go.
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Isiekwe gets a tackle horribly wrong and knocks himself out on a Stade player’s hip.
Shortly after, Stade are down to 13 again, as the ref lives up to her word and bins one of their props for in-at-the-side, as they defend a maul on their line
17-28 to Saracens, with 5 to play.
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Glasgow’s away kit being the same as Racing’s home kit is very confusing. The match against Toulon just looks like a Top 14 fixture.
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… Or it could be Argentina v the All Blacks.
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Continuing the trend, Toulon have got themselves down to 13, Serin and Lewis Ludlum getting themselves binned a minute apart.
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The French really don’t like playing with full teams.
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Am pretty sure we could get a full XV out of all the French players Y or R carded over the week-end. Who’s next, Dupont?
Send them all to Castres!
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Or they take levelling up a bit too seriously.
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Phew. Toulon lucky to escape with the win. Hope the two BPs will be enough for Glasgow to qualify.
Now to watch the team I’ve waited for all week-end. Which position are we missing for the Y&R card team?
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(Andrew) Brace yourselves.
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Oof, 5 tries to Toulouse in the first half. 7-35
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Just hope nobody ever shouts his surname while on an airplane….
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Exeter 9 joining my Y & R card team.
Some nice tries but this is just a training run for Toulouse. Not fun when it’s too easy.
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Can’t help but feel the Hcup’s been a bit devalued. What’s the point with the addition of Castres like SA teams, depleted Welsh and English teams who look like the proverbial italian whipping boys, even Ulster not frightening anymore.
Meh…
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One of the proverbial Italian whipping boys beat the top English Premiership team today
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500 year old Royal Mail to be sold to Czech billionaire. Tory scum……..Oh, wait.
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And yet, Labour tanking in the polls is a complete mystery 🤷♂️🤦.
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Bristol have trounced Exeter, which I predicted beforehand. Score was something like 290 – 30.
(University Challenge.)
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Starting to feel a bit sorry for our Andy. Maybe him and Harry can get together.
On the rugby front, entertaining, if not overly inspiring weekend of games , watched Saints and Glaws, and a few highlights, looked like Northampton in SA was the right pick. DO like Blair Kinghorn for the Lions, and Dupont. Funnily enough, I watched a couple of highlights reels of King Carlos last week after his son signed for Auckland Blues, and was mesmerised ( again) by his ability to carry the ball in two hands, while concurrently flicking his eyes, shruggin his shoulders, throwing a hint of a dummy, flexing his hips one way while sending his knees and feet in the other direction, and ending up waltzing thru the gap he created as four defenders dive the wrong way and end up clutching at thin air, and then spinning a pinpoint pass thru a crowd to Doug Howlett or Jonah Lomu. Lovely, and Dupont seems to do exactly the same thing, in almost the same way.
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It took me ages to work out who you were talking about! I thought, Andy Goode?
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Nah, fuck Andy. He’s at the very least nonce-adjacent. Harry did the unforgivable thing of marrying a not-white, not-English and not-posh person, but Andy gets away with just not attending Xmas, cause he kept it posh.
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See dear old Robert (Kitson) is at it again. “Let’s re-arrange the Champions Cup so it suits the English Premiership” seems to be the main theme of his article. It may be that I’m mis-reading it (but I doubt it).
https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2024/dec/17/rugby-union-champions-cup-reboot-south-africa-global-calendar
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Marina Hyde on Andy: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/dec/17/prince-andrew-royals-duke-of-york-scandal
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Fatties using their feet!
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Steven Kitshoff being interviewed on his neck injury:
In an interview with Rapport, double Rugby World Cup-winner Kitshoff spoke openly about his recent neck surgery and the injury that led to the operating table.
The injury occurred when playing for Western Province against Griquas in September and not in a glamorous Test match setting.
“It was just another scrum, then three cracking noises – pop, pop, pop,” Kitshoff told Rapport. “I kept playing, thinking it was a pulled muscle. But now I know; I was two millimetres away from catastrophe, from death.
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Thauma, that Marina Hyde article is superb – when she decides to go for the jugular, she’s quite brilliant.
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Seems like my Royal commentary obscured the main point of my last post, so I will jus leave this here:-
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Sorry, SBT, but you should know it’s like a red rag to a bull!
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Spencer (Carlos, not that other mob) terrorized the Boks for years. Even under pressure, he had a great step and acceleration to get out of trouble. My fondest memory of his days though, is Bok prop Richard Bands bouncing him on the way to a famous try. We still lost.
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Fuck, it’s Friday! I thought it was Thursday.
That means it’s watching Ulster getting stuffed by Munster at home tonight.
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C’mon Ulster! And Lions!
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“A great choke tackle to stat the game”
oh dear
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They must be able to find a better commentator than Robson?
I like Trimble as a pundit and I don’t think I’ve heard Zebo before, but Robson does my head in.
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TRY O’Toole!
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Good patience from Ulster
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That’s not a phrase you hear every day.
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Blimey, there are some howlers happening from both sides
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I think Ulster have the nudge in the scrum at the moment
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Dammit, Munster have scored. I thought there was a forward pass. Crowley misses the conversion (again) anyway.
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Apparently McCloskey has carried over 100 miles for Ulster in his career.
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Love Herring’s knickers.
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TOT’s on a red for a dangerous tackle.
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That’s a properly 80s mullet, that Wilson (Ulster 18) has.
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I switched over to Glaws v Quins for a bit.
The young Gloucester tight head looks terrific, he was very impressive for the U20s, he looks better now.
Afolabi Fasogobon – a name for the future
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That’s a fantastic name!
Ah fuck, McCloskey is going off injured. We are truly doomed now.
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Looks like Fasogobon’s knackered his knee, being tackled. Shame, he was a force of nature in the first half hour.
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I had forgotten that Edinburgh women were hosting Glasgow women tonight – my mate’s daughter is in the Edinburgh side, so I’ve switched over to that now.
Embra leading 34-10 at half time
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Ah, I must have just turned over when he did that Refit, he was having a great game.
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