The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
So fickle, Ticht.
McCloskey looked like he might have hurt a hamstring, but didn’t look terribly injured walking off, so hopefully can recover quickly.
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Thaum, I’ve got to support my mate’s daughter – the rugby club Christmas dinner is tomorrow night and he’ll ask if I watched :-)
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Aye, but ye’d already switched around a bit before that. Slut.
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Munster score again.
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Fortunately, Crowley’s missed again, so it’s 7-10.
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I think Kok is my favourite signing since Pienaar. He’s a winger, but involved in every damn ruck and maul.
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Ulster may have scored, but on-field decision is held up. But it goes back for an advantage if so.
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Yes, held up, and Ulster go for the corner.
Which results in another penalty, so Munster are on a warning.
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Corner and TMO again!
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Fuck! Held up.
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Wave after wave of Ulster attacking, and Munster defending, which results in a yellow against Scannell.
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Lots of huff and puff in the Glos Quins game, not a huge amount of quality.
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TRY Sheridan after what seemed like years of penalties and line-outs and mauls.
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Cooney has made the strangest miss at goal, so it’s 12-10 at 66 mins.
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Well fuck, Munster have scored again.
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Fortunately Crowley misses again!
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I’ve just been screaming at the monitor as my mate’s daughter picked up at number 8 at the base and made a 50m carry, swatting players aside.
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What a charge by Wilson! Shame he was tackled just before he got to the try line.
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I don’t know what the fuck has happened. Ulster looked to go over the line, Munster got warned again for infringements (I think it should have been a card at that point), and Ulster did a tap and go and seem to have lost it.
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Munster scrum, brilliant take of a kick by Kok, and Ulster go for the corner again.
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But they fuck up the line-out and Munster run half-way down the pitch, with Kok again saving the day.
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And now she’s scored from a scrum where Embra pushed Glasgow off their own ball, Faye picked up and ran through the defence for the final try of the game.
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And TRY Ulster after many more shenanigans!
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G’wan Ulster!
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Another rampaging run by Wilson on the way to that.
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Cooney converts and it’s 19-15 but there are still 3 mins to go.
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NOOOOOO!!!! Munster score again, almost predictably.
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Oh, so many gaps in the Ulster defence. Try Munster ☹️
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Fuck\s sake. We lose.
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Thought I heard the TMO saying ‘clear shoulder’ for the hit on Kok shortly before the Munster try? Never mind….
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Quins have been nilled by Gloucester. 14-0.
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Well that’s mildly pleasing.
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Just watching some of the highlights of the Ulster match, and I simply can’t believe the Munstet 10 (i think) got away with a boot to Werner Kok’s shoulder/chest – Aphelele Fassi was yellow carded for a similar offence against Wales last year. Ref and bunker here didn’t even review it.
Thauma – glad you’ve come around on Kok, a few weeks back you said he was useless (or similar!)
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Did I? I thought I had previously praised him also!
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C’mon Bristol!
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La Rochelle vs Clermont is currently running at 3 yellow cards each, although Teddy Thomas should probably have got a red for a shoulder to the head.
Oh, LAR are actually leading the game 20-15, with 63 mins played.
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Stormers 22-5 up against the Lions in Cape Town. Lions lock Ruben Schoeman straight red after 20 minutes for a shoulder to the head clearing a ruck. Stormers have been the better side anyway, but our scrum was severely depowered by that red.
Haha! As I type that the Lions take a sneaky short pass to the front of the lineout and reserve hooker Marais goes over in the corner. Six tries in the match, only one converted!
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End-to-end stuff at Welford road. Bristol leading 2 tries to 1 (both scored by Oghre). 5-14 after 16 mins.
Wait, Leicester have just scored again, MacGintey dropped the ball in the tackle and Hassell-Collins gets his second of the game. 12-14.
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It’s all the Lions now, but crucial errors are keeping them at bay. Stormers defence has been solid, but the Lions should have had at least one more try.
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Ravouvou has just scored for Bristol, mere seconds after completely cocking up a break by not passing as he was tackled just before the line.
12-21 21mins.
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Bollocks! All that pressure for nothing and the Stormers go downfield and seal the game. 29-10 with a couple to go.
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They’re going to have trouble cutting this game down to just highlights later.
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Oh FFS! MacGintey’s knackered again – looks like he’s done his knee this time. Bristol play do much better when he’s on the pitch.
Saying that, Ravouvou breaks the Tigers line. He’s tackled short, but Bill Mata takes the ball at pace to score the bonus point try
12-28 30mins.
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Ye gods. Leicester were just bearing down on the Bristol line, then they get turned over and break down field. The pass from Ibitoye to Lane, the FB, is a little loose, but he gathers and scores. 12-35
Hang on, they’re going back to review a possible knock-on during the turnover. It’s ruled a Tiger’s hand and the try stands.
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6th try for Bristol in the 42nd minute. Bristol plug away for a bit at the Leicester line, before finding the ball wide to Ibitoye to score on the other side of the pitch. The teams go into halftime with Bristol leading 12-40.
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Ox Nche and Vincent Koch getting hammered by the Bulls front row. Kinda tells you there’s bugger all ballast behind them. Siya Kolisi rumoured to be heading back to the Stormers and possibly Etzebeth too, which would take much of the muscle out of their pack too.
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Oghre got a yellow just after halftime and Tigers got a 3rd try 5 mins into the second half. Just as the yellow comes to an end, Bristol get their 7th try, van Rensberg charging down a Leicester kick to score 19-47
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Leicester have just spent about 10mins trying to get into the Bristol 22, but then they get turned over and Ravouvou runs 80m to score. 19-54 with 7 mins left to play.
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Leicester get their BP try in the 84th minute. They try to maul over, but Bristol pull it down illegally. With advantage, they go wide to Bassett who scores.
Final score 24-54 and Bristol are top of the table 😁.
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Sharks beat the Bulls 20-17 in Durban in a strange match: the Bulls battered the Sharks in the scrums and the loose, but simply couldn’t keep it together for long enough periods to make it count. Flyhalf Goosen was horrible. The Sharks played much of the match on the back foot, but contrived to score just enough (including a penalty try) to stay in front.
A far better match than the Stormers-Lions affair, but still far too scrappy and disjointed. Handling skills in both matches were sub-standard. Watching Leinster Connacht, they’re a step up in skills, awareness and intensity.
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