The first week of November has come and gone – Diwali lit up the skies, Guy Fawkes (at least down here) Faded to Grey and Blondie wasn’t French Kissing in the USA, as she’d probably be pitchforked by the MAGA mob reprising their Halloween characters, whilst slobbering over their Freedom Fries and burning Kamala Harris in effigy, good, moral American-values folk that they are. So what next? Some Hemispheric Clashes, that’s what! Not just the usual North-South score settling, but some intriguing clashes between the emerging (or submerging in some cases) nations too. The Autumn Internationals are upon us, and we’ll be in the Joy Division, with plenty of Atmosphere:
Ireland v New Zealand
Kicking off proceedings on Friday night, two of the real heavyweights of world rugby at the moment in Ireland, ranked Number 1, and New Zealand, ranked number 3. If the Kiwis win and the Boks lose, the Blackness will be back on top of the world, improbable as that seemed a few short months ago. Ireland are a more settled side, at home, and desperate to avenge the loss in France last year and continue to be the best side between World Cups. Rest assured, nobody will walk away, in silence.
Score? Ireland by 5
Canada v Chile
A bit of a step down in class (difficult not to be!) with two sides trying to make it into the second tier of the global game. Canada have fallen Icarus-like from their heights of the 90s and are now scrapping it out with the likes of Chile below the second tier nations of Japan, Tonga, Samoa, Australia and the like. Chile, fairly battered at the World Cup last year (and by the ruthless, unsmiling Scots in July), have actually had a decent run in 2024, with only that loss so far to the Celtic Curmudgeons. Not much of a song, but Can-Canada do the Locomotion? Nope.
Score? Chile by 10
Spain v Uruguay
Another ‘emerging match’ between a Spanish side slowly making progress and getting the odd scalp (not as odd as Trump’s, mind), but also getting a bit battered by anyone decent. Good Spain beat Tonga and narrowly lost to Samoa on tour to the islands in July, and last year clobbered Canada, but got smashed by Argentina (nobody cried for them. Sorry) and the USA. Uruguay could be a growing side of note, having emerged from the World Cup with some credit – hammered by New Zealand, but not embarrassed by France or Italy and beating Namibia. They’ve built on that with decent displays against Scotland and France in July (although Argentina gave them a lovely, neighbourly beating). Should be a good match!
Score? Uruguay by 5
England v Australia
Ian Curtis coulda written Atmosphere for this match (if the respective fans stop singing Swing Low and Waltzing Matilda for a minute). Actually, it sums up the respective nations’ rugby philosophies at the moment:
Endless talking
Life rebuilding
Don’t walk away
Walk in silence
Don’t turn away, in silence
Your confusion
My illusion
However, the song is too beautifully painful and poignant to waste on this rabble, so Swing Low vs Waltzing Matila it’ll stay. Both sides are rebuilding (Sagrada Familia will be finished first) and bringing through stunning new talent like, um, Will Skelton and George Ford, so expect a clash of epic proportions, something akin to the Stonehenge set in Spinal Tap. No seriously, England will have too much for an Australian side playing with pride and mongrel and not much else.
Score? England by 10
Portugal v USA
Portugal were everyone’s second-favourite side after the Springboks last year, playing a brand of fearless, running rugby and delighting crowds along the way. They thumped the USA and drew with Georgia at the World Cup, and have beaten both Fiji and Namibia away this year. The USA, well, they’re crap. Not as crap as their election results, but pretty crap. And just to stick one to the Orange Furby, I’ll let Lou Reed get under his skin:
Donald came from Miami, F-L-A
Hitch-hiked her way across the USA
Plucked her eyebrows along the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says, “Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side”
Score? Portugal by 12
Romania v Tonga
I’m flagging a bit, to be fair, at this point, with no secretary to make coffee[Ed: make your own damn coffee; are you Trump?], so it’ll be brief: Romania had a miserable World Cup, getting thrashed by the Boks (quite rightly) and then suffered the indignity of Scottish one-upmanship and shipping 80+ points. Tonga battered them too, before a consolation victory over the USA. Oh, and even Canada beat them this year. Tonga should have way too much for them, but I did my Bru prediction before looking at the form book. Fuck.
Score? Romania by 3
Italy v Argentina
Two sides that are – hopefully – very much on the up. Italy had a great 6N, beating Scotland and Wales, drawing with France and coming within a whisker of England, only getting humped by the Unsmiling Irish. Solid July wins over Tonga and Japan, but up against an Argentina that beat the Kiwis and Boks and hammered Australia in the RC (should’ve beaten them twice). On their day, they’re irresistible, with a beguiling and bewitching combination of power, pace and panache, and frankly, the best side in the world to watch when on song. Sometimes the Fat Lady has laryngitis though.
Score? Argentina by 4
France v Japan
This’ll be pretty one-sided, and a good leg stretch for the French before the serious matches to follow. No point in bemoaning Japan’s fall from grace; it is what it is. Eddie Jones will doubtless be pitching up in Europe with music on his mind, but even Alphaville can’t save him:
You did what you did to me
Now, it’s history I see
Here’s my comeback on the road again
Things will happen while they can
I will wait here for my man tonight
It’s easy when you’re big in Japan
Score? France by 30
Wales v Fiji
Can Wales continue to be as bad as they’ve been lately? To paraphrase the last decent US President “YES THEY CAN!” That said, there’s been some encouraging displays from a couple of their URC sides recently, so they have the ingredients for a decent side, but just seem to be struggling to make much more than a flapjack with them. Will they be luxuriating in the Green, Green Grass of Home, or frantically Holding Out for a Hero come the final whistle? The former, for me, against a frustrating Fiji, who just don’t seem to be able to transfer the brilliance of their 7z into 15z consistently enough.
Score? Wales by 15
Scotland v South Africa
Already getting twitchy for this Sunday afternoon clash. This is a high-quality Scotland side, brimming with quality, talent and intent throughout, but particularly in the back division and the back row. Their kryptonite may be the tight five, especially the replacement forwards, given what they’re up against, but Glasgow in particular have come to the spiritual home of rugby and smashed, grabbed and clubbed their way to wins, so won’t fear much. Will Finn Russell be back in the saddle? Bok fans will hope to go full circle and see him Lose Control; back to you Ian:
Confusion in her eyes that says it all
She’s lost control
And she’s clinging to the nearest passerby
She’s lost control
A titanic struggle, for sure, with the Bok defence scrambling to contain the Scots backs and keep them within sight, until the bomb squad tilts the match in our favour.
Score? South Africa by 6
Top Trumps and Tunes by deebee7
Onna telly in the next week or so
Showing matches that are televised in the UK and Ireland or on popular subscription services. Bold indicates that it’s on a free to view channel. Times are in the UK zone, so adjust as necessary.
Friday 8th November
| Ireland v New Zealand | 20:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Saturday 9th November
| England v Australia | 15:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Italy v Argentina | 17:40 | TNT Sports 2 |
| France v Japan | 20:10 | TNT Sports 2 |
Sunday 10th November
| Wales v Fiji | 13:40 | TNT Sports 1 |
| Scotland v South Africa | 16:10 | TNT Sports 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Doris has summed the match up quite well: Our set piece was working well, but our discipline wasn’t good.
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Marmion’s lucky. Bristol get a scrum penalty just inside their half and he tries to take a quick tap, but just punts the ball forward. However, he’s tackled by a Sale player not back 10 and Bristol get another pen inside the Sale half.
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Kick to the corner and they set the maul, but it’s stopped by Sale shenanigans and the culprit gets a yellow. Bristol try again, but end up turning the ball over and Sale win 0-38.
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Bristol weren’t particularly bad, but Sale seemed to be a couple of % better across the park, specifically in defence.
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That must hurt, Refit. Good decision not to go to the match.
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I’m getting savoury scones, as a consolation prize, from my step-mum (home made). I’ll think I’ll survive.
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Also got treated to some Xmas cake.
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I like the fruitcake bit, but can’t deal with the disgusting marzipan or icing.
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I’ve got used to marzipan, but when I was little, my mum used to have to roll it almost see through so I wouldn’t complain.
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“Not sure who would be available if they did get rid. Anybody in the backroom staff that might be worth looking at, or go for somebody outside the SRU structure?”
BB, I’m not sure on either front to be honest, but it can’t continue as it is.
The fact the SRU gave Everitt a two year extension to his contract after a failure to qualify for the Champions Cup whilst Glasgow won the league is, shall we say, baffling.
I really don’t believe that Glasgow have a squad that is so different to Edinburgh’s, but the performances and results are like chalk and cheese.
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Williams being Liamability already for Sarries by batting a Finn kick into to touch. Gets a yellow and a penalty try to Bath.
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Sarries hit back!
No they don’t!
Forward pass to Earl just before the try line.
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Sarries number 7 off with a red for a high tackle. Williams just about to come back from his yellow, and they’ve had to replace 2 players already to injury.
Oh dear.
How sad.
Never mind.
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Bath now get their second try!
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Redpath in for number 3!
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Muir in for the BPT before half time!
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Try number 5 for Bath.
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Funny how good Ollie Lawrence looks playing outside a very good 10 and 12….
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Sarries doing an impression of Bristol? Getting a bit of a pumping by Bath.
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Look like Muncaster is injured in the warm ups – not good for Edinburgh since we’re about four guys down in the back row already
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68-10 for Bath. Finn imperious, Spencer and Lawrence excellent, forward pack all brilliant, hat trick for Muir, Big Joe gets two.
Sarries tried hard all game, but are really in a holding pattern at the moment. Lots of their big names getting towards the latter stages of their careers, youngsters still coming through. Their biggest ever Premiership defeat I think they said on TV.
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Think Saints want to try and keep up with Bath’s total. 14-0 up vs Falcons already, played 8 and a half minutes.
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Wrong, 21-0 up after 10 minutes.
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Saints get the bonus point within 15 minutes!
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Saints have 40 points in 40 minutes.
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Edinburgh just about beat Glasgow in a very tight game – the difference being a grubber kick from Schoeman which was carried on by Matt Currie before Schoeman took the pass and bundled over for a try – I shit you not.
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Saints thump Newcastle and keep them scoreless.
Looks like Embra have found what they were missing last week, and we’ve gone down a notch or two. (Or they realised Ticht was giving them his best TCod-like stare…)
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Quins Women have utterly thumped Leicester 42-17 (they were still playing in the 85th minute, trying to get a ninth try!).
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Leicester are playing better than they did last week, against Bristol. They’re 2 tries to 1 up, against Quins, after 20 mins.
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TRY O’Sullivan, after what seems like hours of battering at the gates!
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Ulster win a pen in front of the posts and unusually decide to take it. 10-0.
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Or rather, 0-10!
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Handre Pollard gets a conversion off the post, to even the scores and the game ends 34-all. That was a cracker of a match.
Was quite nice, seeing Mike Brown and Danny Care having a chat on the pitch, after it was all over.
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Dammit, Hansen’s scored.
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7-10 at HT.
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Fuck! Kok injured immediately in the second half, and EOS also going off for reasons unknown.
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Hansen appears not to know how to tie his own bootlace. He was down for ages struggling with it, and then someone came to help him, and he finally got up.
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TRY Timoneeeeeeyyyyy!!!
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Refit will like this.
Connacht are attacking in our 22, and Connacht have the ball, but Andrew Brace inexplicably blows the whistle to award them a penalty instead of playing on with the advantage. Connacht go for the corner and make a complete hash of it.
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As in, kick the ball dead beyond the goal line.
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Final score: 7-17. WE WON A MATCH!
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Timoney was fab and got MotM, but it could equally have gone to Doak, McNabnay or McCann. Sheridan was very good when he came on as well.
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The two academy lads playing didn’t cover themselves in shit either.
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We also had the interesting scenario where two sons of the Ulster coach were playing … on different sides.
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Exeter vs Gloucester is pretty tepid. Exeter leading 14-3 going into half time, although Glaws score a try at the start of the second half, through an Anscombe interception (I honestly forgot he was playing).
14-10 46mins.
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Healey & Kay desperately trying to big up a fairly, imho, dull arm wrestle of a match. Exeter retook the lead, with a penalty a few mins ago and Carerras has just missed a pen to put Glaws back ahead.
17-15 71mins
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Exeter scored another try, by Iosefa-Scott (a man with a mullet pulled back into a pony tail! Terrible hair still a thing in Exeter then). Exeter have their first win in 7 months! They’re off the bottom of the table, due to losing bonus points.
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You would be forgiven for thinking that game was up there with England v Australia, from the autumn, the way the TNT comms have been banging on about it
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a win, at last
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Fixed your name again, Slade!
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